A Baker's Dozen (Plus Two) Limericks

A BAKER’S DOZEN (PLUS TWO) LIMERICKS



MONEY, MONEY, MONEY



It’s a pity the money’s all spent.

I don’t really know where it went.

The party was great,

we could all celebrate

and hope there’s some left for the rent.



GOSSIP



The duchess became very bitter

‘bout the duke and their cute baby-sitter.

They denied it, of course,

with great vigour and force

but the rumours are spreading on Twitter.



DRAGONS



A normal sized dragon will eat

every day half a ton of raw meat.

Then finish its feast,

the ravenous beast,

with a nubile young maid as a treat.



VAMPIRES



The vampire came slowly awake,

and said to himself, “I must make

a new sacrifice.

A blonde would be nice,

but I’d really prefer chocolate cake.”



LOVE’S LABOURS WON



As I charged through the sitting room door

two bodies lay sprawled on the floor.

My beautiful mother

entwined with her lover,

without any clothes on, what’s more!



JUST ONE KISS



“Come give me a kiss, my sweet maid

and don’t be alarmed or afraid.”

“Oh no sir, I can’t,

I promised my aunt.

Besides, I’m too young to get laid.”



BAGPIPES



I’ve been playing the bagpipes for years,

and driven the neighbours to tears.

They’ve begged and they’ve pleaded

‘til at last I conceded

that I’d buy great big muffs for their ears.



PLUMBING



There’s a very bad smell from the drain.

I don’t think it’s due to the rain

It needs a good flush

not just with a brush.

One more time, try explosives again.



HUMPTY DUMPTY



An egghead who hailed from Japan

was a truly remarkable man.

He sat on a wall

and had a great fall.

The king’s men took him off in a van.



IMAGINATION (1)



The dark cupboard under the stairs

is a haven for runaway bears.

There are tigers there, too,

escaped from the zoo.

Says my little son; no-one else cares.



IMAGINATION (2)



Our daughter’s a Barbie Doll fan.

She gets some each year from her Gran.

But the tigers and bears

who live under the stairs,

will eat them, if ever they can.



A CAUTIONARY TALE



A drunken truck driver named Morrie,

while driving a seven ton lorry,

ran red lights and “Stops”,

was picked up by the cops,

and tried to pretend he was sorry.



A FRENCH DISASTER



The news that is coming from France,

warrants more than a cursory glance.

No more Can-Can I fear,

‘cos they can’t-can’t, I hear.

They’ve had to invent a new dance.



EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHY (1)



I’m facing the future with fears.

I’ll be there in not many years.

My old crystal ball

isn’t working at all.

So I’m left with depression and tears.



EXISTENTIAL PHILOSOPHY (2)



I’m facing the future with hope.

I’m not going to sit here and mope.

I’ve got things to do

I’ll achieve them all, too.

For I know very well I can cope.