A Soul Sister

Soul Sisters

"No, no, no, I don't mean that being a mom is bad, or sad you know? It's just that with my busy schedule, and all the craziness surrounding me right now, I don't think I can manage another responsibility, you know?" Sreeja said in a breathless dialogue and proceeded to take a long calming breath. It was hard talking to Rhea about kids, precisely about her hesitation to not have kids right now, thought Sreeja. She sincerely hoped that Rhea would just drop the topic altogether, so they can whine about their husbands like they usually do. Instead, Rhea gave a hearty laughter, and said, " Sree, you are too cute. Of course, I don't believe that you would think being a mom is bad, or sad, or whatever. I am just curious about the discussions you have with Kiara and Nita about, you know, 'not having kids'. Come on, I am not going to judge you, just tell me!!" Rhea was actually jealous that Sree, her best friend, would have a heart-to-heart conversation with others about something that she didn't want to talk to her about. She didn't add about the jealousy part, though, it sounded stupid in her head, and a bit clingy. "Ok, fine, "said Sreeja, exhaling with a finality, that sounded more like giving in to Rhea's insistence, "this might sound crazy, but I think that babies are exhausting. They are moody, cranky, smelly, and at times very insensitive of their parents' feelings. Besides, Avi is such a baby sometimes, that I don't know how I will feel about loving my kid more than my husband. Also, there is one more thing, but I don't want to say it because it might hurt you, Ree." Rhea was listening with rapt attention, and added instantly, "No, what is it? I want to know, tell me." With another sigh, Sreeja started again, "Well, you know, I have seen people who have lost their kids, and I don't know how I will be able to handle something like that."

That day Rhea had choked on her juice while laughing at Sreeja's reasons about not having kids, instantly feeling dizzy at the childishness of her usually prudent and sensible best friend. "Honestly, I think Sree, you are going through a phase. You are nervous about graduating and the impending job search. You will get there soon, you will see. And besides, I will have you know that while your reasons are quite entertaining, they are trivial. When you have a baby, it messes with your head. You suddenly start prioritizing everything based on the baby, that includes your life, your career, and yourself. That is the main challenge of being a mom, in my opinion," Rhea had added. "You love me too much Ree," replied Sreeja warmly, "that's why you think I am funny, if anyone else would have heard me, they would have thought I am absolutely cracked." And they had moved on to their typical topics of husbands, career, colleagues, families, old friends, college, first loves, awkward encounters, and so on. Until, of course, Rhea had to leave to attend to her toddler.

It was almost five in the morning when Rhea managed to get Sid, her twenty months old toddler, to finally nod off. Just like other toddlers, Sid had been suffering from a series of cold, fever, and diarrhea for the last few weeks. And just like every other parent of toddlers, Rhea and Kris, were going through a series of restless and sleepless nights. Except, it was mostly Rhea going through the motions of rocking Sid back to sleep every few hours of the night. Kris, although very appreciative of Rhea's endless hard work throughout the day and night, was too busy and overworked to notice the effects of this ordeal on Rhea. Rhea didn't blame Kris. In fact, they didn't blame each other at all on good days. Then there are days where Rhea loses it, and so does Kris, and they blame each other for everything. Deep down, Rhea didn't really blame Kris. She knew she had a choice in every decision they had made together. Still, there were days when she wished that she could just turn back a few years, and become that fresh-faced graduate student in a doctoral program at a prestigious institute, going through the motions of research, teaching, new friendships, blossoming love, and so on. Or, she could just leap a few years forward and be a successful researcher again, along with being a super cool mother to her Sid.

Rhea quietly hummed and put Sid back in the crib. Knowing well that sleep will elude her, she grabbed her phone, her glasses, and her kindle, and quietly moved out of the bedroom and went downstairs to the living room couch. The living room had a glass door to the backyard, with pine trees and green grass, and squirrels. But Rhea had seen this a hundred times before, and it didn't look any different today. She checked her email, more out of habit, while her mind wandered into her graduate school memories. It was then that she noticed the email from the secretary of a prospective researcher, for a research position interview that Rhea had applied to and promptly forgotten about sometime in the last few weeks.

This was it. This was the first lead that actually had the potential to blossom into an actual career direction, thought Rhea. The situation demanded coffee. Rhea noticed while sipping coffee and opening her kindle to her newest favorite book, that the morning was really beautiful in Michigan. It was something she would miss once they moved away, that is, with Kris's new job in Atlanta, and hopefully her own research position as well. The morning had a dreamlike quality, soft, almost untouchable, with the pine trees and the fog, and the overall quietness of the morning. What wouldn't she give to go for a morning walk, but then again, Sid might need her any minute now. Rhea didn't mind. In fact, she couldn't wait for Sid to wake up and bug her. She couldn't wait to talk to Kris and Sree. The morning was turning out to be a serene one, after a very long time.

Rhea felt light-hearted, happy, and hopeful after a long time. Sure, she had a few setbacks in the past year. Sure, she had a hard time explaining her decision to take a break after her graduation with a doctoral degree, in quite a few interviews. She had, in fact, a much harder time explaining to her family that she needed to take a break after Sid was born. At a subconscious level, though, Rhea knew her decision was one of the side effects of her post partum depression, as was her struggle with breastfeeding and a horde of other responsibilities that every other new mother seemed to be seamlessly performing, but had seemed unbelievably and inexplicably challenging to her. Sure, she had misgivings about her abilities, a feeling as new as the feeling of motherhood. Still, it all seemed possible today. It all seemed to be organically falling into place for her. Maybe, she would feel like an empowered woman once she went back to being a researcher again. Maybe, she would be a role model to many others treading the same path as her. Over breakfast, Rhea mentioned the email about the possible interview to Kris, in what she hoped to be an indifferent air. It somehow seemed like a good idea to hide her actual excitement. Although, she felt that Kris could see right through her, when he smiled and said, "Good job baby", and reminded her to work really hard this time. "What does the guy do anyway, is he kind of famous in your field of research? Did you check his funding? Does he have a diverse group of people in his research group?" Kris asked her conversationally. Rhea stared at him and proceeded to concentrate on the pattern of design on her coffee cup. As if, she was not embarrassed that she didn't take a minute to check these obvious facts since she received the email. As if, it didn't scare her that she didn't care about any of these and that she was doggedly decided to go for the interview no matter what. As if, she was not mildly annoyed at Kris for not being simply excited for her, and for being blunt about his obvious concern about her impending interview. She replied, carefully avoiding meeting Kris' eyes, "Well, you know, I think he has enough funds for hiring me. I think his research group is of good size for me. I have to check, though. Well, I will just go through the interview and see what happens, you know. We are anyway planning to move to Atlanta if your new research position is confirmed next week. It doesn't harm to have an interview for me along the way. What do you think?" Kris nodded distractedly, "hmm," and moved on to check his emails and go ahead with his breakfast and getting ready to go to work. Sometimes Rhea was thankful that Kris was really busy with his current research and his interviews to actually see how vulnerable Rhea felt these days. She was nowhere close to being as confident as Kris, or Sreeja, but she could at least hide her self-doubting self from them. Kris was a different person in the morning. He was brooding, quiet, thoughtful, and usually quick tempered. Traits that sometimes seemed quite annoying to Rhea, but there were days that she found that they made Kris ruggedly handsome. Today was one of those days. Today was a rare day. It is going to be an interesting week.

Just when Rhea got done with Sid's lunch and dropping him off to her neighbor for a play date, Sreeja called. "Hey, busy?" Sreeja said. "Not busy, what's up?" replied Rhea. Rhea was never busy since she started being a stay at home mom. In her busiest moments, even when she was breastfeeding Sid in the middle of the night, Rhea wouldn't feel too busy to talk to Sree. It was like a whiff of freshness to her. She would have felt the same thing for Kris, except that Kris hardly had time to spare for petty chitchat. That too, she constantly felt the lack of fodder for any sort of intellectual conversation with Kris. With Sreeja, she could keep talking and Sreeja would keep listening to her, the same complaints repeated over and over again, without feeling conscious. It was unfair, really, how she was allowed to bore Sreeja so much, without a hint of dissatisfaction coming back at her. "It's Stacy. I just.., you know the project that we were working together on. It turns out that she is getting the first authorship on the paper, and I will have to be happy with a second authorship. Then there is another paper with Stacy and Ka, the super talented researcher, with Stacy as the first author again, and Ka as the corresponding author. I just.., you know, I feel that I am much more capable, and much much more deserving than her. But, ugh.., I don't know." Sreeja ended her rant with a resigned tone, as if, there, I said all I could, now make me feel better about everything. Rhea should feel bad for Sreeja, and she should feel mad at Stacy, for being lucky and for being herself. But, she couldn't do any of them. She almost smiled and said, "hmm.., so what's wrong with Stacy?" "Everything", came the instant sharp reply from Sreeja. "I mean, I know that it is not Stacy's fault that Ka helps her too much, and that she just gets lucky with her research and her papers, but, it is not fair sometimes, you know," said Sreeja. "I know, Sree", Rhea replied, "You know, the one good thing that comes out of all this is that the next time something like this happens, you will be better prepared to handle it. Besides, it wouldn't matter in a few years, after grad school. You need the talent to carry on in your career, no matter how many papers you have, or how much help you had in your graduate school research. You will be fine Sree. I am sure you know that already." "I know", Sreeja, replied, "I just want to yell at someone today." "Why don't you wait and just yell at Avi once you are home?" said Rhea. "Yes, that's the plan right now. Besides, he has not been helping me with the dishes recently, so he kind of deserves to be yelled at anyway." Sreeja was perked up by that time. Noticing that Rhea was silent, she asked, "What's up, Ree, what did you do today?" Rhea, waiting for this exact moment, replied, "Guess what, I got an email for an interview from Dr. Gao in Atlanta." "Good, great", said Sreeja excitedly. "Yes, I am happy about it, I just hope it works out this time," replied Rhea, the uncertainty, the fear, and the self-doubt plain in her voice. She didn't feel like she could hide anything at that point. "It will be ok Ree," said Sreeja, "Just, work really hard ok, get up in the morning, prepare for the interview, keep following up with the guy, be positive, and don't worry too much." "Hahaha, ok, I will," Rhea replied. They soon moved to whine about Stacy some more, when Rhea said, "You know Sree, I can't wait to have an annoying colleague, who would take all the limelight away from me, and I would just love to nitpick about her." "It will happen, and it will happen soon," Sreeja replied, "and then when someone will wonder about what you do all day, and how you are not bored out of your mind, you can just throw the email on their face." "What email?" said Rhea, partly amused but still confused. Sreeja replied, "You know what I mean, the email that you got from the Gao guy, and the email that you will get after he decides to hire you in his research group."

Months ago, when Rhea was struggling with her job interviews, Alia, her so-called close friend, who had just landed an impressive job at Microsoft right out of graduate school, had innocently asked Rhea about her daily routine, and if she was bored at home, and if she was still planning on going back to work. Rhea was hardly able to hold back tears at the seemingly innocent inquiry about her life. Life had never seemed more clueless to her. The feeling of insecurity about herself was too clear to hide and too painful to evade. Needless to say, Rhea had turned to Kris and Sreeja for comfort. While it was painful to see Kris struggling to provide words of comfort while he himself was going through a similar frame of mind, it was Sreeja's constant comforting words and assurance, along with a heavy amount of criticism about Alia and her unfounded curiosity was what helped Rhea go through the days. Looking back it seemed to Rhea, that Alia might just have been innocent after all. She had landed a new job and that was exciting enough to blur the usual senses of empathy and compassion. "When I get a job, I will still be attentive to others' feelings", thought Rhea.

"Oh, that!" smiled Rhea and said, "yes, that's what I will do, I will print the email out, and keep it with me, so I can throw it on someone's face, just because they made a rude comment." And the room filled with their laughter. And suddenly they almost became their old selves: the shaky teenagers, barely out of high school, giggling at the lamest of the jokes, trailing behind their new college friends, Debolina, Puja, Priya, and a few others. Sreeja had felt the need to protect Rhea from the most innocent teenage troubles then, and in turn, Rhea had stuck to Sreeja like superglue, as if, in the sea of new faces, the confusion of new class schedules, new lab experiments that were always failing or leading to minor accidents, and relentless college exams that were following them like an infection, Rhea would have been lost, unless at every innocuous crisis, she could find Sreeja in about five feet radius around her. It was still the same for Rhea. She still needed Sreeja in about 5 feet radius of her emotional locus. They had been through their first infatuations, first relationships with oh so ridiculously embarrassing 'boyfriends', first heartbreaks, first real relationships, marriages, and career, all of these while being in each other's emotional radar. As a result, they could hardly keep things away from each other, and the physical distance of a thousand miles between Boston and Michigan, between Sreeja and her, didn't seem to matter at all. If Kris, and Avi would get any idea of how much Rhea and Sreeja had been sharing their embarrassing bedroom situations, they would avoid their wives' best friends like a curse.

The next week was peaceful and exciting at the same time. The day of the interview was arriving soon, and Rhea was feeling surprisingly comfortable, instead of the usual feeling of excitement, dread, and numbness. She was more anxious about the Diwali get together the evening of the day of her interview. What with Kris' endless number of cousins, their in-laws, their friends, and their kids, Rhea was not quite looking forward to an evening full of smiles and small talks. Not that they were not fun to be with. In fact, one of her woes was that they were too nice to her, so much so that, she felt a tang of guilt for the feeling of exclusion and detachment she sometimes felt about her in-laws. They were nice people, and they were sweet people, and they were also fun. But, it was always they and she in any gathering. She still couldn't feel herself be a part of the endless sea of Kris' family and cousins. She was almost similar, but never quite the same.

On the day of this particular Diwali get together, Rhea, Kris, and Sid got dressed up in a swirl of feeding the hungry baby, shushing the cranky baby, ironing the clothes, and wearing the elaborate saree in less than a minute, topped with the impatience of getting to the party late than most of the guests. Somehow, after a round of shouting at each other, and quietly apologizing, they reached the venue. Kris was in an elated mood, what with his job offer finally getting an official stamp, he quietly, in a matter-of-factly way, announced it to everyone they had any conversation that evening. Congratulations poured in their way. It was a happy day after all. On his way back from the lab, Kris had shared his happy news with Rhea. She had hugged him, and kissed him warmly, with her eyes moist with happiness, she had told Kris, how happy she was for him, and how proud he had made her. Kris, her husband, the father of her Sid, looked happy and light after a long time. He almost looked like the young boy that she had met in grad school, with a confidence so strong, that it was oozing out to the world, and a gentle tenderness towards her that she had so dearly been missing recently. She was happy for him, she told herself. For a moment she needed to forget about her interview, and just be there for Kris. She was happy, she told herself.

That night, they reached home late, and by the time the baby was put to sleep, Kris was falling into a quiet slumber, like a tired kid who had too many candies, and sugar rush, for one day. Sleep, however, eluded Rhea. She devoted her night to reading her kindle. Somehow, it was easier to delve into the miseries of imaginary people, and feel sorry for them, than face her own dark thoughts. The night seemed long, crawling slowly, like a snail trying to climb up a tree. What was she doing, Rhea thought, reading kindle at the black of night, waiting for this one night to be over. As if tomorrow morning everything will be better again. What will she do the night after this? What will happen then? How will she explain the dark circles under her eyes? She waited patiently and started a movie on Netflix, the one she had seen a few times over already. As if to make herself believe that she hadn't lost her mind. That she still could laugh at the same things she used to laugh before. That she still could laugh.

At last, when nothing was working, and she was losing her temper, she went for the tried and tested method and called Sreeja. "Hey, busy?" Rhea said and cursed herself for sounding shaky. "No, not busy, what's wrong?" Sreeja asked quickly. "So, guess what, Kris got the job. Yeyy." Rhea said. "Oh, that's great, congrats, wow, this is really great. Tell Kris that I am very happy for him." Sreeja replied. "Also, yesterday I suffered through a family get together. It was not that bad actually, it was ok. It was just exhausting. I don't know why I can't handle situations with people anymore. Anyway, how is Stacy?" Rhea said. "Hmm, it is usually hard for everyone Ree. If it were me, I would just fake being feverish, and avoid seeing anyone, or spend the whole party being in the restroom." Sreeja said. Rhea could sense that Sreeja was trying to make her see the situations in a lighter note like she always did. It was not working. She still couldn't figure out how she could bring up the topic of her interview and not end up crying her heart out. Almost on cue, Sreeja asked her, "So, wasn't Friday your interview? How was it? Why didn't you call me after it got over?" Rhea sighed, this was it. She had to talk about it and get it out of her system. She started, "Guess what happened, the interview got delayed for an hour, and then Dr. Gao's secretary emailed me that they are going with some other candidate, so I am actually no longer considered for interview." Rhea finished in one breath. "What? That's ridiculous. That is so not a professional way to handle job candidates. You know what, you dodged a bullet." said Sreeja. Rhea couldn't bring herself to say anything, and before she could utter anything Sreeja said, "Are you ok? Are you crying?" that was it, Rhea started sniffing and weakly replied, "no I am not, I am fine." Sreeja said, with all the tenderness she could muster, "Oh Ree, don't cry. This lab was not worth it Ree, you will find a better lab soon. Did you tell Kris?" "No" replied Rhea, "I wanted to tell Kris, but when he reached home, he looked so happy, and then we had that party, and I didn't want to tell him before the party you know." "You have to tell Kris, Rhea, " said Sreeja, almost impatiently, "he needs to know that you are upset." "I know, I will, as soon as he comes back from the lab," replied Rhea quietly. She will have to tell Kris, he deserved to know. But, why was it so hard to share this failure with Kris. It would surely not be the first time she would have to share something like this. He would understand. Did she really not want to tell Kris because she didn't want him to be upset for her? Was it harder now that Kris had reached his destination and she hadn't? They both had been job searching for a while now, with Rhea being unemployed and at home, and Kris being a much loved researcher in his present lab. Talking to Kris about her failed interviews had never been easy for Rhea, but it had never seemed as nerve-wracking either. Rhea was lost in her thoughts, when Sreeja suddenly said, "Guess what, Stacy had her data meeting and she couldn't answer the simplest questions." "Wow, really? That bad? Well, I am not surprised", replied Rhea, and they went on to their typical topics of husbands, career, colleagues, families, old friends, college, first loves, awkward encounters, and so on. Rhea was going to be ok. They talked for a long while, until Rhea had at least a few giggling fits, until she was crying happy tears, until she could face the day again, she knew Sreeja wouldn't let her hang up the phone, until she was ok.