 Comedy: September 12, 2012 Issue [#5250] |
  Comedy
This week: Throne On--Thrown off! Edited by: I might be here, now.  
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If you've ever been the unfortunate victim of a toilet malfunction-mishap, then you're going to want to read this one.  |
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Happy 12th Birthday, WDC! Congratulations and thanks to SM & SMS! This site rocks on. 
Hello, folks! It is also my fourth anniversary as one of your Comedy Newsletter editors.  It remains an honor and pleasure to be doing this. Now to the part that can really bum ladies out when it happens ...
We all do it, ladies. You know those trips to the john late at night when you creep in the dark, plunk down on the porcelain throne and get down to business? I guess that's why they call it the wee hours of the morning. We don't need all the lighting like our male counterparts. Our aim is perfect all the time. I suppose that's nature's way of getting even. I mean guys can practically go anywhere; behind the bushes or a tree at a golf course, under the hood of the car while checking the oil and various other hidden-in-plain-sight ways of relief. So, it's only fair that we can take care of business in the dark.
Our only enemy in this whole scenario is the left-up seat. Yes, gentlemen, we are deeply offended by the feel of cold porcelain or worse still, the near falling in and contact with the cold water on our bottoms. It doesn't put us in a good mood which means your night isn't going to turn out all that great either.
I have had a few mishaps with the Web-Throne in the past. Most of the time Web-Lock and Web-Son remembered to lower the seat. So, I count myself as a lucky witch. However, this time I had every webby fiber of my being go into primal agitation.
It was a trip to the john in the dark. There was the usual lowering the bottom toward the throne to make contact. Everything was in perfect harmony--I guess you would call it one fluid motion. 
Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh! The scream left my mouth. I got no response because WL is profoundly deaf. It wasn't the mere contact with cold porcelain, it was much more ...
I have a bum-and-a-half, hip problem. That means that one hip is totally shot and the other is about to be the next clay pigeon in line at a skeet shoot. Not good. So, I have to use the old hold-on-to-the-sink method to lower myself into position to avoid a sharp pain in the hip. This time though I felt the cold, hard surface. I tried to lift-off, so to speak, without my handy broom being present, to right the wrong that was done to me. Upon lifting up, I reached back for the seat while holding on the the lid for support, which made it twist in such a way that the seat tore off the anchoring on one side; making me fall back down on the now half-seated, half-unseated throne, followed by the lid hitting me on the back because it wasn't centered properly. I tried to get up but the lid kept holding me down because of my awkward sitting position. At this point, I felt it would be wise to finally turn on the light so I could really assess the situation. Yup, the seat was broken off the hinge, all right!
After that ordeal, I found WL reading quietly. He was oblivious to the trauma I recently suffered.
"Web-Lock, why did you leave the toilet seat up? I endured unspeakable horrors at its mercy!"
"Oh, WW, I'm so sorry. I was just in there doing the Clorox-scrubby-thing. I was going to let it soak in for a while before flushing and lowering the lid. Oops, I guess I got so involved with reading I forgot to check back. "
"So, You mean I didn't fall into clear water, I fell into Clorox-scrubby-thingy water? Is that even safe for a Web~Witch's delicate hiney-skin? Well, it doesn't matter, it's done, and we need a new seat. I'm really pissed-off, now!"
Well WW, you're the one who's always telling me, it's better to be pissed-off than pissed-on."
"Smart-ass!"
After that little exchange, WL warned me that I really should put the light on in the bathroom. I guess he's right. It's not about the pride of the aim. It's kind of like being a rear admiral. You have to know your enema enemy. With me, it's making sure I keep my half-bum hip in the zone of safety so I can sit long enough to complete the paperwork.
That's all she wrote for this edition; looking forward to another year as an editor of the Comedy Newsletter. 
Until next time--laugh hard, laugh often!
Ta,
Web~witch |
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Comments on my last Comedy Newsletter: "Comedy Newsletter (August 15, 2012)"
troy ulysses davis 
Enjoyable. Intrigued by the suspense.
Thank you, Troy. I'm glad you enjoyed the newsletter!
billwilcox
Yeah, it won't be long now when all the kiddies are back in school. It's funny how you can't live with 'em, and you can't live without 'em. *scratches head* God's sense of humor amazes me sometimes.
It's just the wonderful world of parenthood, Bill. I totally understand.
LJPC - the tortoise
Holy moly - the tales of your son's rented apartment, neighbors, and roommie make me SO GLAD my days of doing that are far, far behind me. You have to be really young to see that stuff as an adventure.  Thanks for making me appreciate being old even though it comes with some problems, too, like hip replacements.
~ Laura
Wise words, Laura. I wouldn't want to go back to those years, either! (Bum hips and all!)
NickiD89 
You need to spend more time in WS's whacky apartment building, with so many potential character sketches!! Sounds like there are some good stories there...!
From what I've learned so far from my visit, I could probably write a horror story!  Nah, just kidding--they are all just simple, normal folks--like you and me! Um--perhaps I was right with my first observation. Be afraid--be very afraid!
drjim
Reading this, WW, led me to think of two well-remembered sayings: 1) No news is good news and 2) Never a dull moment! Our man Web-Son has proven to the world (or at least the part of the world that actually PAYS ATTENTION TO HIM) that he is more-than-capable, more-than-ready to deal with whatever Life throws in his general direction. All one must do is sit back and watch him become a CEO of a Fortune 500 conglomerate! Proud of our guy!!
It's all good, WL.
Thanks for your feedback, folks. We editors really appreciate it!
See you next month.
WW
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