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4th installment of "Perspective" |
| 4th installment of Perspective |
| A lesson on marriage: The faint hearted need not apply. The things they don't tell you about marriage: Your spouse will be the bane of your existance. At one time or another you're going to wish you'd never met the individual you've sworn to love honor and cherish. That moment may happen everyday for 5 years. You swore til death do you part and Lord help you if that doesn't hurry itself up. That will be, at times, the only thing that keeps you from leaving with everything including the kitchen sink. While you might have meant your vows to the very bones of your being, your spouse might have not realized what they meant. You'll find yourself asking questions like "Do you even know what those words MEAN???" Marriage sucks. It's suppose to be the greatest thing you do in your existence. They don't mention what it takes to have that. |
| I'm running on five hours of sleep. Just got a call from my family as they had the consult with my mother's cardiologist. The news isn't good. A double bypass, effective as soon as they get a second consult from another cardiologist to rule out any blockages in her neck that could put her at a risk of stroke during surgery. Effectively eliminating any possibility of my parents watching me graduate. Effectively risking my ability to go to my own graduation if in fact the surgery can not wait. My mother has asked that I be there for it. Hopefully we can wait until after the quarter is over. I don't even know what the situation would be if I had to leave in the middle. Pretty much the exact opposite of what we were hoping for today. |
| The beginning and the end are always blurry lines of in between. The beginning can be defined as the moment you meet someone, the moment you recognize who they are to you. The end doesn’t have to be with trumpets blaring. Sometimes, when you aren’t even looking at it, it can be the stepping on a landmine that begins to count down the last moments of life as you know it in a whisper. Sometimes the beginning is the end. Or the end is just the beginning, as the saying goes. But ultimately, wherever you decide to count your in-betweens in one direction or the other, the results can be paradigm shifting. Marriage is a funny thing. No two marriages are alike. The definition tends to be a constant work in progress that starts out as a nebulous idea and blossoms into a living breathing monster in your living room demanding to be fed constantly and the very best you can give it. Marriage, turns out, nobody would ever enter in to, if they knew what it took to maintain it. Not because they didn’t want it, but because if anyone ever mentioned the work it took, most of us would quail at the sheer weight of it. We met at a wedding. One could argue it was meant to be. I caught the bouquet, he caught the garter. We were introduced to each other repeatedly, so that people knew we’d met. My roommate, whose word I took for gospel, asked me why I wouldn’t give this normal nice guy a chance. If we had been more romantic we could say that we were meeting in circumstances that were more for fiction than real life. Looking back on it now, in the wake of the ticking of the landmine we unknowingly stepped on, I should have been in awe of our story’s beginning. I should have been swept away by the beauty of how rare it is to meet in such circumstances. If love is a battle field across which marriage must travel, mine is the bloody soldier that's been found ripped apart in the base of a smoking crater. There’s been insurmountable damage, the body so broken it seems that there’s no hope. But you got to it in time, it’s possible save it if you try. It’s the beginning, not the end. Over the course of our relationship, we weren’t sure we were going to make it. It was touch and go for a long time. The damage was so extensive, the wounds so deep. They weren’t healing; merely scabbing over only to let fresh blood flow at the first strain. We were too different; there was just no basis to build on. All the professionals said so. Then infection set in. The bandages we’d desperately wrapped around the wounds weren’t working. The heart was still beating, the lungs still taking in air but the body was decaying around it. The prognosis wasn’t promising, fatigue and sickness setting in. We stopped trying so hard. Wouldn’t it be better just to let it go than to suffer so horribly? As we waited for the inevitable death of our marriage things began to change; the infections began to come under control. After everything, all the time and hardships, we finally got the dosage right. The spread of the decay was slowing, the wounds beginning to finally heal. There would, of course, be scars but they would finally be closed. Two very different people arguing over the amount, the time and the concentration were finally able to come to an understanding. Looking into one another’s eyes we could see the hurt in the others. Hands that struggled against one another stilled, fingers intertwining. If we couldn’t save our marriage, save this form we were building then no one else could. It would be dead on the table and we would only have ourselves to blame. We had, each of us, spent so much time insisting that we were right and the other was wrong. Two different opinions about what should be done, two different opinions about how we should do it. In that moment we knew that if we couldn’t work together then it was all over. Like the landmine our marriage had stepped on the timer was ticking and we had only seconds to take our foot off the trigger and run. We had only seconds to save the beating heart that had struggled so valiantly against the worst the world could throw at it. The landmine didn’t affect our marriage the way it might affect another. Like us, it’s conditioned to fight, that heart of yours will beat, goddammit, because you don’t know how to give up. You didn’t come this far, suffer through this much, to let something as trivial as a landmine blow your whole life up. You can hear the ticking better than anyone else can, you can recognize the disk being triggered and systematically plan your escape. You might spend those last moments contemplating the end, the taste, the sound, the smell. You might even consider that it might be better, might be the way it should be. But in the moment you can calculate how many steps your heart can take because that’s information you know like the back of your hand. You run for it because you know what you’re heart can take and what it can’t. |
| I've started p90x 8 days ago. I've honestly missed one workout, I made it up, but that day still sits there. So today when I almost didn't do my workout, I put my shoes on. Even though I didn't want to. Even though I could have done something else with my time, less worthwhile. Now I sit here with my laptop, writing, while there's laundry being done and a dishwasher running. This day could have gone very differently. I'm grateful that it went the way it did. I had my first creative writing class yesterday. It's the first official class I've taken on this subject. I'm so glad I did though. It's going to be an excuse to write and work on this craft that's been sorely neglected. I have alot to be focused on, in truth, that is when I'm happiest. This time though, these are all things I want to be doing. |
| It's amazing to me how in these advanced times, we still manage to take things for granted. The elections for this year are coming. It's a way of life we've grown up expecting to happen every four years. What an advanced civilization. We have managed to form a thought that took root in every single member of its society and be acknowledged and respected without question. What a powerful idea. And yet, we take for granted that whole lifetimes were spent fantasizing about freedom and the possibilities about what this country would look like, how this country would be shaped hundreds of years from then. We never consider the bravery it took to think those radical thoughts and defend them through the the dedication of daily life in that new life. Men who were bankers became farmers. An incredible history when you consider what the founding of a country represented. And yet, we argue over the rights of a woman to do with her body as she sees fit. We argue over the ability of a man to devote a lifetime to another man. Astounding. |
| My week started out with a 5am flight to start my vacation. I had 3 different planes to catch this day and all I could think about was my 45 minute layover where my family had driven to the airport to see me before I caught my next plane. The first flight went well and the first layover offered a promise. Stay and take a later flight, we'll pay you some money for your time, and you'll get a longer layover with your folks. I agreed immediately. A four hour layover for an additional twenty minutes with my family was a steal of a deal. The second flight was delayed due to bad weather. I began to get worried that I wouldn't get to see my family at all, because I'd have to sprint to catch my next flight. We set down late and all connecting flights were delayed. I was in luck! I still got my 45 minutes. They brought me some brisket and sat with me while I stuffed my face, just grateful for the time I got to share with them. They'd been waiting 2 hours for me to get there. We knew it was going to be short, but there wasn't any tears because it was more than we would have gotten otherwise. We said our goodbyes, I went through security a second time to go back to my flight. I looked up to confirm my gate and CANCELLED flashed in big red letters next to my flight number! This means more time. I called my folks, screamed at them to "WAIT!" and "Don't leave the airport!" I track down an agent and ask what the deal is. All flights are cancelled due to bad weather. I can't get on a flight until 6pm tomorrow. YAY!!! She tried to set me up with hotel reservations and with the biggest smile on my face I said, "No thanks. I've got family here." I ran outside to the car, where my family was waiting, threw my suitcase in the trunk and climbed in the back seat. "I'm spending the night!" We get 24 hours together. I've won the lottery as far as I'm concerned. A week later and I'm still overjoyed by the way that day turned out. Never in my wildest dreams or hopes had I even thought that a whole 24 hours was possible. I had only asked for 20 extra minutes. I hadn't dared to hope for more. It was truly a charmed trip. A "regular safari" to be sure but it was an adventure. |
| Going into the Elections this year, I find that I keep coming back to a thought that just won't rest. The critique of this fine nation is summed up in the vasted bloat that exists between what is necessary and what is preferred. I keep coming back to the concept of "lean business". One of the key principles in any good business is that it keeps itself "lean". Find the cheapest way to produce a product or service, pay your workers fairly and reward them with reasonable bonuses or perks, and return your excesses to the nature of building a better company. This is a very basic example but for this purpose it'll do. I believe we need a "lean" government. Starting first and most importantly is the reduction of Congress' ability to give itself a pay increase. The second is the reduction of politicians who have spent their time in office ineffectively. If you can not prove your worth through the ledger of your daily work, by showing how you've managed to improve the wellbeing of those who've elected you to represent them, you should be dismissed. Given the current structure of our system, this is not an easy task to undertake. There are alot of uneducated voters out there who lack complete information to make a well informed decision. Part of that is our current system's lack of accountability. We have Congressional oversight committees and hearings but ultimately my persception is that there is nothing to enforce the investigations that have been done. I'll be the first one to tell you how ignorant I am in regards to how these things go. As a citizen of this country, I have an obligation to my government to question the leadership of those in office. I feel there is a disconnect between what the media portrays as my government's values and my own. My generation's inability to define what our demands are signifies this disconnect at a basic level. We know there's a problem. The difficulty is we can't articulate what it is. Because when our elected officals take the stage, they aren't talking about the real problems. They want to talk about abortion or gay rights. They want to talk about how the other guy is screwing it up. They want to sell you on the idea that the economy is "heading in the right direction". The last thing we need are more people arguing about private affairs of the individual. Have an abortion if you feel it's best for you. I don't want my government to be involved. The problem, from my perspective, is that this government is bloated and bleating about the discomfort. The problem from my perspective is that there isn't a single, note worthy candidate out there for my vote. I don't want my next president to be encumbered by the chains of an ineffective system, not focused on the problems. I don't want my next president to be on one side or the other of an old and antiquated system. This two party system wasn't the dream of our founding fathers. This isn't the United States of America that they invisioned. More gun legislation isn't the answer. More pep rallies for "republicans" or "democrats" aren't the answer. What a waste of resources given these technological advanced times. I hope my future president would know that. We need a lean "for the people" government. No more rallies that cost cities thousands of dollars that could have gone into funding for education. Our country should have a better focus on education. No more legislature to go towards private affairs. Gay people should have the same recognition as hetrosexual people. The fact that we live in a day and age where that's even an issue is astounding. When my future president stands in a room full of people asking hard questions, I want that person to look them in the face, tell them the news, for better or for worse, and give them a solution that makes sense. When my future president is asked in a televised interview what his or her thoughts are on gay marriage, I want them to be offended that their time was being wasted with meaningless personal questions. I want my future president to have the integrity to stand in a country full of corrupt, jaded, desensitized and disconnected people and say "We can fix this." The next thing I want my future president to do is prove it. |
| Yesterday, in celebration of a birthday of a friend of ours, I headed out with friends to a little slice of perfection in the middle of the mountains. Driving up, it was the greatest feeling in the world because it was a little like going home for a while. Some folks live a certain way and even if it's not your way of life, it can be a welcome change of pace. It was a brilliant day. You could get lost in the fields there and not even be bothered to care about it. It was tranquil and soothing. |
| David Miller - Should the "day" come - I have you to thank for getting me there. |
| There may never be a day when "My day" will come. I believe however, that the day will come when it won't need to. At this point in my life, I need "the day when...." I'll have more money, I'll be doing what I want to do, I'll be at a different place in my life, etc.... I wait for that day because I'm working on a bunch of stuff here. I'm busy. It won't always be like this. For my dreams, writing wise, I want the day to come when something I've written strikes irrefutably the very essence of someone's soul and it sticks. Forever. I've had those moments, recalling a phrase, a thought - that just said it better than I ever could. I'd like that moment. |
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