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4th installment of "Perspective" |
| 4th installment of Perspective |
| The higher up in math you go, the more glaringly apparent it is that everything in the entirety of the universe can be explained with mathematics. That its declared as the universal language is true. But it's almost like it's a language everybody can touch and see. The weird thing is - when you reach a point in math - where you begin to see how someone could make the argument that it's all predesigned. That's a stretch for some to get to, but hear me out. If things are adding up in your life - you could argue that the "chips are falling into place" and there's a sense that this is where its suppose to be. When things aren't working out - things just are "adding up" you feel like there's been an error somewhere. I solved some economics the other day with geometry. This fact initially disgusted me. That I'd finally done so much math that it began to overlap on each other. But really - after I thought about it - it's pretty amazing actually. Math is a language. The further up you go, the more well versed you get in it, the easier it is to understand that language and what it's trying to tell you. Secrets of the universe begin to unlock, mysteries begin to unravel. And the simplicity of it all - a formula wrapped up in another formula...... It's easy to see how some folks get lost in it, give themselves in to it. The sad thing is - there are so many people out there who have no appreciation for learning this. Have no idea what it means to know mathematics. They wish to persue other avenues of interest, while I don't begrudge them their passions - I have to ask - can you truly appreciate the things you love if you can't see them completely? |
| It's so interesting to see all the folks you went to school with in their various stages of life. I find myself thinking of these people as still in highschool because that's where I saw them last but really - they've gone on to do exactly what I did. I have found myself lately panicking about what happens next. That I won't have a well paying job directly out of highschool, that I won't ever get to do something enjoyable and fun that I love. Then I wonder if I'll hate my next place of living - which really is just a fear of the unknown. If experience has anything to tell me, I'll be ok. The experience will be challenging but rewarding. |
| Unlike last time, I'm going to be doing weight watchers while beginning to train for this half marathon. We'll see how this works. I know it's alot of work - all good things are. I just need to find a race. :) |
| New years resolutions are usually forgotten - weight loss or gym memberships being popular to choose from. I just don't want to kid myself if it doesn't turn out to be something I follow through on. There's a family reunion in August, a healthy 8 months away I could be motivated for. It's also the turning of a new page for me, as I finish my degree then. Looking faboulous for this next part is appealing. It just seems like I am already committed to so much - one more thing seems to be like asking for too much. So - in true form - I'm going to commit to another half marathon I think. Cause really, if I have a race to train for - it's the only thing that will keep me focused on doing the training. Training for the sake of training has no motivating factors for me. We'll see. |
| I'm not sure what makes today different over any other day. Maybe it's because I put my wedding ring back on. But its got me thinking about my life long friendship. My attitude today regarding it is different than usual. Life long friends are something like a marriage. There are rocky parts and there are great parts. The rocky parts, if you both want it to work, won't matter. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what happened, what was happening day to day and I have to wonder. Was I looking for an out? Was he looking for an out and I just never saw it? Should I be thankful that this ending happened as fast as it did instead of being a long drawn out affair? Today I'm different because I didn't want to give up on my marriage. That does include excluding people who wish it ill will. My friend David pointed that out to me, especially after this recent situation. He was talking about any girl who wished he weren't married. "It doesn't matter how much you have in common, how much I like you as a person, or what you could be in my life. You wished I weren't married. We can't be friends." This adds new perspective for me on the "We don't have to be friends" thought I'd had a few months ago. |
| My husband has done something terrible through his mindlessness that's caused terrible damage to our relationship. Somethign that will take years to correct. To the point that I took my wedding ring off and have refused to wear it. He didn't physically cheat on me, but it was pretty bad. Imagine my suprirse when I unloaded on an acquainance I know from school about it, and she gave me the strangest look ever. What she told me next floored me. She said she was the bad guy. That she was the cheater in her house. Now, hear me out. I had just explained to this woman what happened, as a sounding board - a passive outlet for my anger and frustration. And she quietly listened to everything I had to say and then told me "It's exactly reversed in my house. I'm the bad guy." The conversation that followed was enlightening and completely unexpected. I am astounded that this conversation ever happened in the way that it did. That it was as enlightening as it was and offered perspective for me about my own situation |
| -'ve mentioned that there are some things that happen in my life which seem to glare with a certain sense of purpose. Things that just happen that sometimes blow my hair back. Things like asking for things out loud and then having them happen exactly as I asked for them. Then there are other things, things like surprise lunches with mayors which seem random and crazy but then seem to be edged with purpose. Like I was meant to be here. I was meant to be doing this. I am not a believer in fate, I believe life happens the way its meant to. Sometimes though, it seems like someone's pointing a huge neon sign at something saying "GO HERE". For example, I've mentioned the Light Keepers. What's cool about it, aside from my fantasizing about it constantly is the fact that everyone I meet seems to be supportive of the idea. It's become a pet project of mine that I think about regularly. I went to lunch the other day with my husband to go see an old coworker of his. My expectation of what I'd find was not even on the same planet as what was waiting for me. I've pictured in my head a group of young teenagers who like to party and drink, who are all planning to drink with lunch. When we got there, it looked like a bridge club full of 60'ish folks who were out having a very decent lunch at a beloved place. I was introduced to this group of folks and immediately ordered a drink (an Otterpop) with my biscuits and gravy. This caused an uproar because who drinks liquor with biscuits and gravy? Who has biscuits and gravy for lunch? I mentioned i was from Texas and it was such a delight for these women to talk to someone from Texas. How did I get here? What was I doing? It was during this conversation that the "How everybody knows everybody" conversation came up. The connection wasn't immediately apparent. Matthew worked with Lou, who was friends with others at the table. Lou was married to Carl Maxey. He was spoken about with such reverence that half the conversation was spent talking about how great he was, this man I had never heard of. Turns out, he was kinda famous. He was Spokane's first prominent black civil rights attorney in the 70's. He is credited with single handedly desegregating the northwest. And here I was having lunch with his widow. Then if that wasn't cool enough, the lady I held a majority of my conversations with while we were there, turns out to be the former mayor of Spokane. Sheri S. Barnard of 1990-1994. A woman who after lunch, was going down to the courthouse to deliver a card and a letter for the current mayor of Spokane who just lost her reelection. Because she knew how much she was going to need some comfort after the loss. The sad reality that the dreams you'd planned to impliment in the next few years were going to vanish with the enterance of the next leader. So here I am - ASTOUNDED that I've chanced upon this random meeting of two very cool people - and they were just as fascinated with me. It makes me laugh. Then, they asked me what I planned to do after school, immediately the Light Keepers came to mind. I was informed by Ms. Barnard that I should run for office. I laughed and said that I might be pretty busy. Then she asked what I'd be doing. So I casually, gently mentioned my pet project. When I gave her the run down, what I have of it so far, she looked me square in the eye and said "Go talk to Cecile, Ann Richards daughter. She's the one you need to talk to." For those of you who don't know, Ann Richards was the 45th Governor of Texas. This woman casually mentioned someone HUGE as if I could just call her up and tell her my project. Sometimes - its hard not to think that there's something big out there, telling people where to go, if they're brave enough to go there. And it was all by chance. All because Lou liked to bus tables at the casino where my husband works. |
| I am surprised to find out how the ugliness that happened a year ago could color so many experiences towards the negative - that I know - in my heart, weren't negative experiences. Every time I have to write a check, its the worst reminder in the world. The amount involved is a buy off amount. I'll pay whatever it takes so that at the end of this, I'll never have to guess whether I paid enough. The amount itself is nowhere close to what the real number is - inflated to cover emotional damages or the cost of whatever time I did take up at the end - a consulting fee as it were. But when this is over, when the last check is written - I won't waste another agonizing moment on it. If I'm lucky, my thoughts won't seek out the saddness or sense of loss. If I'm a better person, I won't fantasize about the things I'd say or do. How completely wasteful and unproductive that meeting would be. When it's over, I want it to be over. |
| It has taken almost 4 years for Yes to come before No. One of the highest forms of love - is the ability to say yes, to anything, simply because you could. For women, it has something to do with the openness or the loyalty to follow through with any desire big or small. For men, it could be the same - but I can't vouch for that. It has been my desire to be given the openness of yes from my loved one. Something that I've never gotten before today. The answer has always been no first, and then, after reflection - has been changed. For me, it's the initial response that has been the most important. For example - I had said I wanted chocolate and that I wanted my loved one to go get it. I knew the answer would be no, because it always has been. I expected to hear "I'm not going to the store right this second to get you chocolate. You can eat the chocolate ice cream that's here in the house." He said he would. For me, he would. If that's what I truly wanted. Which changed the course of our entire conversation. I was completely content to eat ice cream, not even the chocolate kind, because the Yes was enough - soul quenchingly enough. And in true waxing romantic form - this was worth the wait. Even the realist, who suspected an ulterior motive, had no real voice here. Love had won. |
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