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4th installment of "Perspective" |
| 4th installment of Perspective |
| I just cleaned out my truck to sell it and I find that while I wasn't emotional I find that as I sit here I'm getting more emotional about it. I remember climbing into it for the first time. The bright and beautiful day I drove it from the house I lived in. The white nail polish I spilled in the console, trying to make my toe nails perfect for a date I was going on. The boy and the field I'd gotten lost in, in it. The first big move. The second BIG move. The first two winters here, that were the worst, where the truck got me through. The blow out that happened at 70 miles an hour going to Gainsville, Texas. The two times in my life I'd changed tires in it, the third that a nice old man helped me with because I was in my nice work clothes. The cop that pulled me over to talk about his family in Louisana because he saw my Texas tags - EXPIRED by 9 months. These are memories that could have happened in any vehicle. This one I almost had repoed , but paid off, every penny, by myself. I ruined my sister credit with this vehicle - something that I'll live with even if I am still terribly sorry about it happening. Kevin Costner's character in "A Perfect World" said it best. He called a car a "time machine". Which is exactly what it is. I spent countless hours in that vehicle, making countless memories in it. I recommend a Chevy Blazer LS 2001 if you can get it. It has been a great vehicle. |
| So my life long friend and I have agreed to do P90X together. We officially started yesterday and I have to say not as sore as I could be and hopefully it's a sign of good things to come. My husband was suppose to be my buddy but if the first day is any indication, I'll be buddy-less. This isn't about forcing my own choices on him though. Better to lead by example than to try to hold him accountable to hold him up to my goals for myself. I got to thinking about children yesterday - a more frequent occurence in the last year more than any other - sure signs of the bilogical "tick" if there is one. I wondered if my children would be intimidated or inspired by my goals I've set for myself. Whether or not they'd even know all the things I'd done before they'd come along. If they'd get to share in those things with me. interesting thoughts. |
| I love you. I love how you make me laugh because you thought about something exactly the way I think about it. I love how you don't make excuses for you who are, what you like or how you like it. I love that your spirit and your insides match you so perfectly to your beautiful and amazing outsides. I love that you car park a truck backwards next to a carport beam and still have room to get the door open. I love that you can walk circles around girls in high heels and still have enough left over to be carefree and funny - making it look effortless. I love how it can be a 10 dollar scarf or a 10,000 dollar ring and whatever "it" is - is still just an accessory to you, it doesn't outshine you. I love that when I see a picture of two girls looking at each other and laughing, all I can think is "Why the f*** don't we have one of those?!". What I love most though, among all of those things, is the fact that you're the only person I've met in my whole life who I'd get a tattoo for and yet nothing comes close to signifying what you mean to me enough to put it in ink. |
| Everyone waits for it. The moment when the curtains will part, robes will open and the heavens will erupt in trumpets blaring. The "Day" that was coming. It never happens in real life. You wait for it your whole life and it never happens. And even though it doesn't, you don't even recognize it. Because you were so wrapped up in something else trivial, fascinating. That consumed your attention. So that you didn't notice how the "Day" had come, because you'd been busy waiting. You'd had a whole life during your "wait". And it was incredible. In this you find that integrity meant more than arrival. The person you were at the lowest was a better measure of you on your best most perfect day. And that the knowledge meant more to you than the pandimonium from the rooftops because you could sleep peacefully and soundly through the night. |
| From the looks of things - it doesn't look like I'll complete in Summer of 2012. A demoralizing realization this close to the end. I'm waiting for the final word on that to know for sure but it doesn't look good. While time will tell in regards to whether or not this is as big a deal to me 10 years from now however, it's sucking the will to continue right out of me. I don't want to jump through any more hoops. I don't want to fill out any more paperwork. I don't want to add on another 90 days to my countdown. I don't want my diploma to say December 2012 instead of August 2012. I wanted the chance to walk in front of my family and friends or at least the option to choose for myself that I wasn't going to. |
| Someone told me once that I had the ability to "artfully tell someone they were a piece of s***". It seems my ability to be artful has turned into no finesse whatsoever. Now, I find I lack the ability to phrase things eloquently or efficiently. It seems I'm still struggling with getting the right picture to the person I'm talking to. I do remember a time in my life where I wanted to be focused, not flower things up into something they weren't. Now it seems, that's all I've got. It has come to my attention today that others may view me as being self centered. I have to wonder if they're right. The context in which this was brought up involved my conversation with customers who visit my store. They hear about my cats, my husband, how I got married, how I was introduced to my husband. But really, they're the same 5 stories to every person I meet. Nothing personal in the personal information. A way to connect to a stranger. Somewhere along the way I picked up the complex. Which leads me to several complexes about myself. I am worried others find me self centered or selfish. I am aware that others find me loud and offputting. It's strange to know that your keyed to react to what your sensative to, without ever knowing the moment that you became sensative to it. My arguments for the first complex is that the people here, would assume that I am selfish or self centered - I openly show that I don't care about them. I'm aware that others find me loud, something I've worked to supress, as for the off putting - it doesn't hurt my feelings. Usually if I'm off putting to someone it's because I've chosen to be. Usually by pointing out frankly where a person is messing up - with hopes that they correct their mistake. |
| In a recent conversation with my mother in law - regarding my possible delay of graduation - I admitted that I had a slight crush on her husband. When you hear about his life and what he's accomplished - it's hard to imagine him as anything other than ten feet tall and bulletproof. He's a great example of what I person can do with their life if they have a mind to do great things. He dropped out of school, earned his GED, went to college to go on to get 2 masters' degrees and excelled highly in the miltiary all while having kids, being married and several stations through out the world. It was in this conversation, when I was explaining my delimma with the drive to finish on time - regardless of the consequences - because I said I would - or dragging it out and taking my time - enjoying the ride - that she mentioned nobody's going to remember 3 extra months 10 years later. They will remember the manner at which they arrived there. What kind of experience did I want to have? Then she mentioned that her husband lucked out in a lot of ways because he got paid to go back to school for his masters. Going to school was his job. Then, like a lightbulb, it occurred to me that he didn't do it all at once. He wasn't ten feet tall and bulletproof. The shock, the utter delight, the bewilderment at "How'd he DO it?" vanishing in thin air. There were times when it was hectic, times when it tried his strength of character. But he's not a machine. He managed to have his share of fun along the way. There are those who'd find this information disappointing, once the illusion had been explained. I have never felt better about where I am in my life, possible failing included. Because at the end of the day, I'll finish. I'll move on to anothe project that takes me somewhere different. And if I'm lucky, someone someday will believe for a while that I'm ten feet tall and bullet proof, not understanding how I managed to be as flawless. And if they're lucky or if I'm lucky enough to see the admiration and wonder for myself - I'll be quick to tell them it took me a life time. It wasn't always easy, it looked like a train wreck at times. |
| Sometimes, it looks like I'm a pretty arrogant person. You could misinterpret the meaning of what I said, just because I wasn't apologetic about how I said it. What makes me different from you is that I can take the critique. I can take the ridicule and the humiliation at being dead last/worst at something. I can humbly approach a table full of those who excel and completely acknowledge that they are my superior. They are faster, stronger, than I am. Be the first to admit that I might slow them down, might hold them back. If I could just sit quietly and listen - I'd try to stay out of their way. It is this - that makes me better than you, the vast majority of people I meet. Because the majority of people I meet, can not take the humiliation, can't stomach the agony of being openly identified as being the weak link, the slowest person, prey. If I reacted the way the vast majority of others do - quick to anger, to point out the flaws of others, to place blame elsewhere to escape the scrunity, to defend myself - I'd have missed every valuable thing these folks had to teach me - some much younger than me. I wouldn't have noticed their acceptance and their praise (that I wasn't as terrible as I thought I was). Later though, when someone else - not at this table - had blatently laying my flaws out in the harsh unforgiving light of day, going for the kill, there was a small part of me that felt shame. Shame that I couldn't grasp the concepts as fast as others. That I didn't seem to be able to keep up. That I had surpassed the limit of what I could do. And with that shame came the irrefutable truth. I may not be the fastest, but I came this far on my own. This may not be where I'm my most graceful, elegant or powerful - but I'm here. Doing what I don't do naturally, with the same folks who do. And because it doesn't come easy - because it's painful to learn - it'll stick with me in a way that it'll never stick with them. Because they take it for granted. And when the day comes - I'll be able to do what I do naturally, powerfully, gracefully and elegantly and what I painstakingly struggled to learn to do the same way. So in the end - I'll be better because I had what it took to be worse. |
| Unless something changes rapidly, it looks like I’ll have to repeat this economics class, if not my finance class too. This risks delaying graduation another quarter, despite my counting down the days. As lesson, to not count your chickens before they hatch. There is a part of me that says to extend graduation – to take the customary 3 classes each quarter, a pace I’m familiar with and enjoy the last stretch of time here. There’s the other part of me that says just fit it in somewhere and then be done with it- on time- like planned. This would answer the “Do I walk or not” question. If I delay graduation – I doubt I’ll be allowed to walk in June. Is it the journey? Is it the destination? Is it the manner in which you get there? Something to note here. Math is not my strong suit. Or at least, I’m not as fast as others. We all knew this. I chose my weakness and have attempted to strengthen it. I didn’t pick something that I was naturally good at. Honestly at this point, nothing really comes to mind in reference to my strengths. The ego has taken its beatings, today it’s seeking to Unless something changes rapidly, it looks like I’ll have to repeat this economics class, if not my finance class too. This risks delaying graduation another quarter, despite my counting down the days. As lesson, to not count your chickens before they hatch. There is a part of me that says to extend graduation – to take the customary 3 classes each quarter, a pace I’m familiar with and enjoy the last stretch of time here. There’s the other part of me that says just fit it in somewhere and then be done with it- on time- like planned. This would answer the “Do I walk or not” question. be comforted and reassured. I know that if I called my dad to let him know it’s highly likely I’ll have to repeat this class – his response will be “WHY?? You should have been preventing it!” in the way that all “tough love” kind of dads are. While immediately, he’s the first person I want to call regarding this – I have not. Which leads me to where I’m going regarding people being who they are. I had a conversation with my friend Jeff the other day, where he’d said something along the lines of “people are who they are” – in reference to personalities and their responses. I (in rare form) was defending the argument that all personalities could be taught – the manner in which the lesson is learned – for some- could be tragically difficult. I was thinking of Sense and Sensibility – in reference to Colonel Brandon’s comments. He was making the argument that some folks (one in particular that we were talking about) do not. That people are who they are. She was never going to see where her fault was. Is never going to want to look too closely at it to address it. Which leads me back to math and what that says about my personality. Is it in my nature to never be good at anything – always being medicore at everything? Why I’ |
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