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 |   A day in the life of... me! |
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A HUGE Thank you to Emily   for the beautiful ribbon  First place in "The Bard's Hall Contest"  for July/August 2012!A day in the life of... me! Sometimes I need to rant. Sometimes I have something burning on my mind. Sometimes I'm so angry I feel like reverting back to old coping mechanisms. So I thought a journal was a good idea! I feel ranting is an important part to life, everyone does it to some degree or another and it's not healthy to bottle things up inside. So for those moments where I feel a rant (or just a general thought) and want to get it off my chest, here it will be! However, ranting is not everything. Sometimes I just feel like I want to share something with someone, and often there is nobody to listen (wow that makes me sound sad! I do have friends but I tend to let them do the talking rather than share). So here I can get things off my chest, rant or be happy, whatever the mood ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| I always assumed that having insomnia would be pretty cool. I guess, I always imagined the amount of time you'd have to spend doing what you wanted. Of course, I didn't think of the negative consequences of such a thing. I love my job and doing the actual night shift I find okay, but when it comes to my three days off, that's where I really struggle. I couldn't sleep at all last night despite how tired I was. I lay in bed, snuggled my partner and felt myself drifting off. But after an hour when still I wasn't asleep, I got up to write some. I thought that would tire me out so I settled back down, but yet another hour later after hearing two episodes of Family Guy without being able to fall asleep I got up to get some hot milk. That usually does the trick, it's warm and comforting and makes me drowsy. But not last night. Another hour later and I put Twilight on. Not that I was watching it, but I like background noise when I'm trying to fall asleep. But I heard the whole damn thing. It was after five when I last looked at the clock. Today I am exhausted. Drained. I have absolutely no energy. The headache pounding against my skull is as a result of lack of sleep. I don't think I can do this too often and survive! I don't really want to take sleeping tablets every night when I'm trying to sleep. Not only have I found out that I'm not supposed to take them because I'm asthmatic, but I don't want to become dependent on them. Perhaps good old lavender is what I need.... any other suggestions? |
| Since starting my new job and really beginning to get into the swing of things, I've realised I had a tough decision to make. As well as a full time job, I also have a sessional job and volunteer with two different places (the local Rape Crisis Centre and Brownies). While I love everything that I do I've come to realise I can't do it all. It's leaving me tired, with very little energy and even taking up my days off. I can't have that anymore and it's not fair to my partner. So I've come to the decision I have to step back a little from the Centre. It's been a really tough choice to make; I've been there for five years now, volunteering first in an admin capacity and then moving onto the helpline after completing training. I've been on the helpline for three years and loved every minute of it now. But, that is what I'm going to step back from. I couldn't bear to completely leave, not at this point anyway, so I'm opting to do project work which I can do in my own time and leaves me the time and space to do what I want on my days off. When I told the Development and Volunteer worker tonight I cried. I didn't expect it at all but you know when the tears come no matter how hard you force them back? Yeah. And I guess I felt kind of stupid, I've never cried in front of her, not once. I don't cry in front of a lot of people in all fairness. I think I was just shocked that the tears came so easily, but when I think back to the relationship I've had with the centre, as well as all of the staff and volunteers there, I guess it's understandable. I first started there when I was just out of my teens, still in Uni. It was something I wanted to do for a long time and it took me a while to pluck up the courage to even make contact. But I did. My boyfriend at the time hated it, it's an all women's centre (and for good reason, I believe) but he hated that he wasn't allowed to come in. He put me down and made me feel like shit but I did it anyway. When I first started volunteering there were only a couple of others who did admin work there too, a small volunteer team, but it was lovely. When the new development worker came in, she put on helpline training and recruited new volunteers. I took part in that training because I knew I wanted to grow and develop and that was the real reason I wanted to be there. Through the training I made some amazing friends and had some unforgettable experiences. We laughed and we cried. We shared and we comforted. It was an amazing experience. My confidence sky rocketed through this course and I passed, going onto the helpline in a relatively short time. I began to volunteer Thursday nights on the helpline. I can't remember the first call I took but I do know how much the butterflies in my stomach were twisting when the phone first began to shrill. I haven't looked back since. I've made some lasting and brilliant friendships along the way with women who are amazing and passionate and brilliant. I guess maybe that's why it's so hard to say that I won't be seeing them every week now. Though I will not lose contact, I couldn't bear that. I've grown so much in the last few years, particularly through my time there and through doing my Masters degree. I flourished around those positive and welcoming people and realise that before, I'd never really had that. I was a confident young woman and felt able to do more than I'd ever done before, all of that thanks to the love and support of my friends. I wonder what will be next... |
| You know when you have one of those dreams that shake you up so much and they hurt when you wake, lingering even in the early morning light? I had one of those last night. I dreamed my partner was into another girl and had been for a long time, only he didn't tell me and I found out. He admitted it then and we broke up. I woke up feeling sluggish and hit with a pounding headache. I must have been pretty young because I was heading to school that morning too. My friends offered some comfort. And then, my alarm went off. Ever have one of those? Sometimes with dreams I think that they're a part of your subconscious, passing messages onto you in your sleep, making you see the way. Other times I think they're there just to manipulate and make you feel bad, playing on your fears and playing them out even in your sleep. Sometimes I think they're just dreams. A random concoction of nothings stuck together that when thought about feel spontaneous and without meaning. I think I like those ones best. They don't hurt. |
| I am disoriented. I feel myself moving, performing actions, following routine. Habitual. But I do not feel it. My limbs are not mine. I have little control over them, what they want to do, where they want to go. My mind cannot focus. And then I am detached. I'm seeing myself, just for a moment, reaching out to open a door. An arm that doesn't belong to me, a strange hand grasping the handle. I feel the sensations but it is not me. |
| Well, the funeral has come and gone. It was a nice ceremony, a great way to remember my grandma the way she used to be. My aunt read out a beautiful tribute to her and while evoking some tears, it also got a lot of laughs from the people in the congregation. Afterwards, a wake at a place my grandma had been several times. That was also a lovely time, a place to remember and spend time with family. And I know how awful this might sound, but the fact that my partner came with me to the wake, really made my day. He has anxiety and depression and for this reason he often does not feel able to join me at such big events , especially when there are a lot of people present. But he came with me yesterday to support me and be there and it really meant the world to me. I have no idea how to tell him this. I've tried but the words don't seem like they're enough. He met, or at least set eyes upon, the vast majority of my family yesterday which is a really big deal for him. I know how anxious he was, but he did it for me  And now, back to reality. I'm at work tonight and after four days off, I think I'm ready for it. While it was nice having that time off (nothing to do with the funeral but instead, training for work) I like being in the order and logical nature of a set pattern. I like to know what I'm doing and when. I guess I'm a creature of habit |
| You know when you have that horrible cold that comes from nowhere and hits you Bam! i have one of those right now, I think I caught it from my dad (who seems to be suspiciously recovering rapidly). I woke up this morning with the sniffles and sneezes and I knew it wasn't good. But the part that truly gets me is the stuffy head. I can't deal with feeling like my skull is full of mashed up cotton wool. I can't think for myself and I hate it! I've just had one of those magical hot lemon drinks, let's hope it works! I think that maybe it could be stress induced. The recent bereavement of my gran coupled with the fact that we're getting our new bathroom fitted so the house is upside down, it's a mess and we haven't got running water a lot of the time. Plus, someone always has to be in to babysit the house. The past couple of days that has fallen to me and I don't mind doing it but like today I didn't get to bed until 4 in the afternoon and I had to be at work at 10. So I'm pretty tired. But it's nobody's fault. I'm feeling a little better about my gran. My partner has been really great and supportive. I've been kinda snappy with him in the last few days and he's been patient and caring. It's lovely and just what I need right now So let's just hope I get through the next few days. I just want to apologise in advance that because I have so much going on and a stuffy head to boot, things might take a while to be seen to! |
| I planned to go and visit my gran yesterday after having a few hours sleep after my last nightshift. I woke at dinnertime and headed home (I've been staying at my Aunt's because we're getting our bathroom done). My sister and nephew were there but no sign of parents. So there I waited waking myself up with tea and playing with the bairn. It was alright, but I just felt like something wasn't right. It got to about 3:30 and my dad called to say that my gran had passed away earlier at quarter to one. I was still asleep at the time. Knowing that's she's passed over is sad but in a way I feel better for her knowing she's not suffering anymore. I guess I was just able to see her before it happened. But I will always cherish her memory |
| Dealing with death can be a difficult and traumatic experience. I think everyone deals with death in their own way, everybody has their own way of coping. I've always thought to myself that I deal with death in a really calm and collected manner. It's a natural part of life and I understand that. Often when people pass away it is at a natural time in their lives and often it can be mentally prepared for. Those deaths which are sudden, unexpected and seem so cruel are harder to deal with. They rip pieces from your heart until it bleeds, pained and aching. I've experienced both. I've had people in my family, older people, grandparents, a cousin with cancer. So with them, it has seemed a natural part of life and almost like they are ready for it. I was able to prepare myself. I've also had the opposite. My first boyfriend was knocked off his bike a couple of years ago now and killed instantly. That was a shock and I found that harder to deal with, particularly because he was my ex and we hadn't spoken in a long time, I had a new partner and I just wasn't sure how I was supposed to cope. But now my gran is dying, she's in palliative care as comfortable as possible and it's hit me hard. I can still function, go about my daily tasks, but when I stop and think, that's when it hits me. I feel like I'm losing a link to a part of my childhood, a time of nostalgia and fun. I've known this was going to happen for a long time. Alzheimers is a slippery slope and on top of that frequent visits to the hospital with UTI's have been detrimental to her health. The last time she went in she ended up with delirium. She's in a trance like state, she can't open her eyes, can't speak or eat or drink. She has no awareness. When she does open her eyes for a brief second there is no recognition at all. I don't know whether it's because of the delirium it's harder to take or whether it's because I feel like I'm losing a part of my past. Or whether, just whether, it's finally all catching up on me and I'm feeling overwhelmed. |
| I found out that today my gran has been moved to palliative care. I know what that means. End of life care and support. Making the individual as comfortable as possible before the inevitable time comes, but somehow, it still feels surreal. I know what's happening and I know that she hasn't got long but I think, up until now, my parents have always really tried to shelter me. When my granda was ill and spending his last few hours at home much of the circumstances were kept from me and my sister. Yes I was younger than I am now, but not so young as to be unaware. I was old enough I knew exactly what was going on yet it was as if they felt they had to protect me from the awful things that happen in life. Things have changed. I had a conversation with my family the other day about the possibilities for the chair they had just purchased for my gran. It was like we were talking as if it had already happened. It was so surreal and I guess it felt a little like we were betraying her, though in reality, I know that isn't the case. I'm still going to work at the minute. In a way it feels right and in a way it feels wrong. I know that I can deal with being at work at the minute and there's nothing I can do. I don't feel like I can spend my days and nights in the hospital with my gran and for that I feel selfish. She's dying and I can't seem to bring myself to want to go there. I feel guilty. It's just so hard seeing her like that. But in a way too, because I know those other people around me in my life, my parents, my aunt, my sister, I feel like going down there and displaying any emotion other than what I am now, will cause them to feel burdened with me and want to protect me. They all have enough going on without having to worry about me, that's not fair on them. I'm on my last nightshift tonight and after having a few hours sleep tomorrow I plan to go and see her. I think I'm going to go on my own. My partner has said he will be there for me, that he can be my support, but I don't feel like I can ask him to come. He hasn't really known her, and because of his anxiety hasn't had to chance to get to know her. I know he'll be there for me when I get back but in a way, I want him there. I want to be able to be free and have him support me and cry if I need to. |
| I've always considered myself to be a girl after the truly dark hearts. I've always lusted after horror, longed for the feelings of terror creeping upon me as I read late at night. I always sought out the darkest writers, even from a young age. It was only natural that when I began to write, my writing reflected this genre too. I wrote about dark things, scary things that go bump in the night, gory things with dripping blood, axe wielding maniacs and evil clowns galore. So now, I find myself confused by my seemingly rapid change in genres. I still read a lot of horror and thrillers, a lot of suspense but I mix it up with others things. But when it comes to my writing, I feel like my style is changing. Particularly when considering longer pieces. The few ideas I have in the pipeline at the minute are based in fantasty, in alternate realities and not necessarily dark ones at that. I'm not sure where this change has come from but it has and it's left me wondering why. I feel lost in the fantasy world. I've never really read fantasy books or watched movies of the sort so writing it, feels somewhat alien to me. Perhaps this is why I'm struggling to write... |
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Just for you BJ Hope your have'n a good day. 
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