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When one blog is filled, another one must open. |
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Coming soon: more work from someone creative, ambitious, and determined - often called a variant of insane/crazy. Notes: Genderfluid. Preferred pronouns (they/them) [& denotes married couples] Immediate Family: soon-to-be-ex-Dilbert, Tempest, Dogbert My Extended Family: (s)Dad, cousins (K, D, G, J, F, N) I guess it's good to be on speaking terms with someone. Voluntarily. AuntS Dilbert's Extended Family: SIL (+5 kids)& BIL, FIL's gf (only for holidays, mostly) Important People I Don't See Enough: Owl + Partner, Paradise ICON crew (which owl is a part of) People I've Known a Long Time/Long Distance: Doc & [husband], Sheer & DocSheer, Mrs. Light & [husband], Trillium & Diego (not married but close enough), Steph Local People: MotherDroid, Owl&Partner ... There are about to be new people on this list, because, well, I'm evolving. And it hurts. DnD: used letters, S (DM), D(doctor), Y(because I like him!), K(old RPGer friend who also attends church), P(church guy who does game night and is local and our families are also friends), A (went to church but moved back to Chicago, moved back locally then i moved) Tempest's friends: I don't know very many of her local friends. She's got an internet buddy who also talks to CousinK's younger daughter. the younger daughter is DRAMA. Dogbert's friends: Has a new group of friends based on a Pokemon thing and they have a DnD club at school and outside of school. Lucky kid! |
#24 "Is it warm enough to go ice skating, Mama?" She looked up at her seven-year-old girl from where she sat at the table. Of course Sedonie wanted to go skating. "Well, it is almost 20 degrees. If you dress warm enough, we can go." Sedonie danced away, grabbing all the necessary bundling clothes. She already had her thermal layer underneath, and she grabbed the light jacket and pants and then the heavier stuff for the top. She had to skate slow outside so she wouldn't get too hot or too cold. Too cold meant going inside. Too hot meant removing layers, which would translate to getting too cold and going inside. She'd been inside all during the past week with the below-zero temperatures, and all she wanted was to stretch her legs for a while. Mama went with Sedonie, both of them with their ice skates. They stayed on the courtyard of the town square, where the ice had been created out of the lowered area that generally served as a gathering place in summer. But the no-rise fountains poked out of there during the warm months and the children played to musicians. In winter they piped in music and allowed everything to freeze solid for skaters. Sedonie watched her mother chatter with several friends while she took herself around at a slow pace. But Sedonie often had trouble keeping it calm, so she added a few jumps and backward maneuvers. Her own friends were absent just yet, but they might emerge before her mother dragged her back indoors. The weather felt too warm, but if she removed her coat she worried she'd need to quit. She skated faster, feeling the heat build within her and sweat trickled down her back. Jenna joined her, and the two of them practiced the syncopated moves they had studied from the internet. Ice dancing lived another day. Mama's frown at the clock stopped Sedonie. Mama tapped her wrist, meaning time to go, then flashed five spread fingers. Sedonie nodded. Jenna skated away, leaving Sedonie to practice a couple jumps. Back inside they went, Sedonie feeling the walls enclosing her again. "Can we go again tomorrow, Mama?" Mama dutifully checked the weather. "We'll see. For now, go clean up and help me with dinner." Sedonie lived for their outings. Please, she thought, please let it be warm enough to go out again tomorrow. |
| #23 He couldn't believe the oblong package tucked behind the tree. What else could it be, but that snowboard he had asked Santa for? Yeah, okay, he was too old to believe in Santa, but if his parents wanted to play that game, he'd ask for one thing he really wanted each year. "Santa" hadn't let him down yet. Some of his gifts might not have been the most well thought out, but the opportunity to have one item free of his parents' judgments. Which led to wondering even more about what made Santa gifts different. A philosophy discussion best left up to his new high school friends, who would definitely stop chiding him about where the gifts came from once they saw his new snowboard. He held it in his hands, excited and ready, but he had learned to wait for Mom and her camera moment. When she was ready, she nodded, and he ripped into the paper. The snowboard emerged, shiny and dark blue with a purple flame pattern along the edges. It didn't matter. The thing might have been pink, but it was a snowboard. He held it reverently. "I'm so taking this on that ski trip next week." His mother nodded, looking resigned. "Just be careful." The other gifts showed his mother's practical and well-meaning nature. Clothes in one box, learning aids and one whimsical LEGO set that still aided higher thinking in her mind. He thanked her for all of them, though his mind never strayed far from the snowboard. The ski trip dawned, and the guys all drooled over the new board. He loved it, and he couldn't wait to go out on the slopes. He was first among all of them, ahead of the girls with their cute outfits who wouldn't dare even a bunny slope to mess up their hair, ahead of the serious guys who just needed to have a good run, ahead of the others in the middle still deciding whether to start slow or to impress the girls. He centered on the board as he had practiced so many times with the playstation. He tapped himself forward with a one-two that always looked impressive on the screens. Then splat - he fell flat on his face in front of everyone. The board sailed in the opposite direction. The powder crept into every crack and crevasse he hadn't thought about in his outfit, and suddenly he felt cold, silly, and expected the laughter from the spectators. The laughter didn't manifest. He looked down and saw himself face-first in the snow with rocks beneath his head and face. He drifted farther away, not seeing what the paramedics saw when they flipped him over. He was gone. |
| There has been a lot of sad-faced husband-brooding today. There has been some talking. Highlight- some game playing, including one I've had for years (bought in Vinton) and never played. It's confusing. Not up to explaining it to Tempest yet, but it has potential. The kids got too rowdy to finish Sorry and we played the farming game kids' version fairly successfully. I don't know what I need to move forward, except to move out. Dilbert wants to entertain any other option. There must be a compromise, or he becomes just another obstacle. Career options: Personal training and other fitness options (boot camp is a class i haven't taught, along with spin), substitute teaching, return to enginerding (the dark side) Enginerding might require some refresher, since I've been out of the field almost 8 years. Subbing requires about $300 for background checks and classes to get licensed, which lasts 3 years and only needs a couple credits to renew. Personal training requires a certification which I already have the manuals to study, as well as passing a test $400 (https://www.acefitness.org/certificationexams/) I need to check my PiYo cert to be current. I'd like to bump my yoga to the next level. And I want to go to three cons this year. One step at a time. Also dreamed about Dogbert and his preschool thing last night. I think I know which direction I might be heading. At least for now. |
| #braindump So he i wanted to talk last night, and we talked. I finally brought up what i have been feeling for a long time- that i need to move out. And he worries that if i move out for a break, i'm not coming back. Well, probably not. but whatever. i used the arguments that he had provided, that i've been holding these grudges for years. That i can't let go. and i added later that i don't feel like a partner. and he asked why i can't let go. Too much has happened. It's little things piled on little things piled on bigger things that have taken on their own dimensions. If I'm still thinking about how all he wants tto do is watch tv - and he watches a lot more tv than he realizes, every time he turns it on, i feel it. i feel it as him checking out. and then i checked out- with a book, with something to research, or knitting or crocheting, or writing or talking to people on the computer. he used to ask what i wanted to watch, like a movie. i stopped playing that game, because we never want to watch the same things. if i was in the mood for something, he either wasn't, or he'd watched it recently (when i was asleep) or something else. so i stopped caring about it. I stopped inserting myself into it. I just pulled away. You can't win in those games- so why play? Now he has a list of shows that i watch with him, and i get sucked in every time. i don't mean to, but that tv is so damn distracting. I can pull some attention away, or i can be in other room. But he thinks that isn't "spending time together". but i don't think we're spending time together with a tv on in the room at all. and i notice, over the years, how he only wants to do other things to please me in some way. and that only comes when he thinks something is wrong. so i feel like playing games is something he dangles in front of me, and that is going to go away when things are 'fine' again. So we both got emotional. We both admitted fault. But he wants to sit and talk with the tv off every night to help. But i don't see that being enough. and i don't see that being something that stays together. He did not mention going back to counseling in any form. He did not seem to want to do much with the kids- though that is something i keep mentioning. I do think the way to my heart is through my kids. I do so many things for them, and I'm wrapped up in them completely. And I need my own space, too. So that's the next thing that I have to work on. But every time he talks about repairing our relationship, i don't really care. I care about fixing the relationship with the kids. And that's something I'm not sure he can fix in me. Or if I even want to try. [This follows another emotional conversation from the night before where I was saying how unhappy i was. not nearly as emotional. i spent most of last night crying- over an hour- and he cried at least a couple times too] The other matter: Dogbert's preschool teachers spoke to me yesterday. They're not sure Dogbert listens well enough. they're not sure he's ready to move on with his class. They think socially he needs more time. Not academically. So i talked at daycare, and they don't see the same thing at all. Different situation, i'm sure, but it's interesting because he doesn't turn 4 until next week and they're promoting him this week. It's hard to keep all of that together. I'm going to ask another question or two, and talk to Dogbert's actual teacher at the daycare, but if he needs another situation, i can put him in a different program. If he needs to have another area, then maybe i can find it. but i looked into another preschool, and it would be free. He wouldn't get spanish, or dance, or the literary program, but it would be free. Makes it hard to think about other options, when i could get him education. I know for certain that i don't want to put him through the same program two years in a row. I worry they'd be too similar and he'd get bored. and i know my mini-me will get into more trouble when he's bored. So he spit on a girl in his class yiesterday. He hasn't spit on anyone in a while. They don't know exactly what happened... but yeah. A lot to think about at once. And i'm stilll thinking about a two-bedroom apartment without a tv |
| The timing sucks, of course. Tonight Dilbert asked if I had figured out a schedule to edit. Because we had spoken about that on NYE, around his brooding in the car on the way to my parents'. Sigh. I had thought about that. But... I don't know. I do need to figure that out, but so many other things get in the way. Like the interview tomorrow. S's mom will watch Dogbert. Still waiting on money to get the lease for the apartment. I feel bad not feeling worse for Dilbert, now that he has pneumonia. He sprained his back coughing. I'm sorry he's sick, but I'm also slightly annoyed he's going to be home all week. Trying also to figure out the new schedule that starts this week at the Y. Whee. If only everything weren't so darn hard. I feel like my brain rattling around the entire situation and it's draining. |
| I know he's trying to be nice. I know he's working to see that we're doing things together that I enjoy. So... we played games yesterday. And I realized I didn't get to choose a single one, though I do have the ability to veto what he chooses. And that's been a theme throughout the time we've been together. He used to ask if I wanted to watch a movie, and even if my answer was 'meh' he'd ask what i want to watch, then say no for a variety of reasons. I quit playing that game, I thought, except I don't think I have. It's sort of what we do with everything. We played The Farming Game, Star Wars Trivial Pursuit, Sorry (with Dogbert), and Chronology (twice). I won 3 of those, and only lost dismally both times in Chronology because I got really difficult questions for the cards I had. Sorry came out really close, with it being anyone's game until the final card. Farming Game I had to finish that year, and we were within $7k to score (goal is $250k), but Dilbert complained about his game performance throughout, even though I knew he had more assets than I did. He was just complaining. Star Wars Trivial Pursuit he also complained he got hard questions, but so did I, i just happen to know the original trilogy a ton better than he does. Which we both know. But I didn't complain a lot about Chronology. I just acknowledged I had a difficult time, and I didn't go on about it after the game was over. Unlike Dilbert. We went out to lunch at a Chinese place, and while Dogbert wouldn't eat it (Tempest was at my mom's), it was nice. The waitress really took a liking to my son, and it was funny. Had a good yoga class, and Dilbert asked me how it went. And in the evening, we watched Reign. We've been binge-watching. Only 5 episodes left until we catch up. And I tried to say goodnight, but he was headed upstairs, so I gathered my stuff and went. I did say g'night in the kitchen. Perfunctory kiss and all. Then I was getting ready for bed. and then- he followed me to the bedroom. To say good night. Which annoys me because he does this when he thinks we're not in a good place, but it serves to make him hover and cling, two ethings which are guaranteed to annoy me. So I didn't blog before bed, because I just had a headache. And he asked what was wrong, after I told him I had a headache. He followed me to the bathroom and asked if I'd taken anything for it even though he'd seen me with the pills. (I guess he can't tell the difference between OTC ibuprofen and Rx prozac, but i take the prozac in the morning, with my alarm, but he wouldn't know that, would he?) Then he gave me another hug and perfunctory kiss and said "i'm sorry you're irritated with me." . WELL I AM NOW! And that phrasing is going to do it even if I wasn't before. My head ached. I could barely focus on my words (did them at night, not good, but i did enjoy gaming abit?) and i had a game going on Tempest's tablet. I should have given up earlier and went to bed, but I didn't. I hear him coughing downstairs. His back hurts, too. I pity him in the way you'd pity anybody who's not feeling well, but I don't want to be around him and I was coughing a little earlier and I worry i'll catch his crud. Remember the Ten Commandments? Sometimes I hear the narrator voice in my head "Again Pharaoh's heart was hardened." And that had better work for me, because I need to keep myself from staying. I need space to just be me for a while. With my kids. I wish I could keep them fullt-ime. [Friday I visited Trillium, Diego, and their daughter. Dogbert stayed home with Dilbert, because Dilbert wasn't feeling well and Dogbert had run around with a half-chewed hot dog and he threw up. I had anticipated him going, too, but I was glad he didn't. I feel like ar otten person for being glad he's sick so I can go by myself. But I've jsut been pushed past my limits.] |
| We had a bit of a fight this morning. And I told him I was unhappy. Not the leaving part yet, but unhappy. Not the part about unhappy to the point of miserable. But it was a start? Like how he wouldn't put his clothes away. Like how he didn't support me after the car accident. Like how he wasn't joking when he said we should get rid of my books (and it wasn't funny). Like how he always is telling me what to do. Like how he accused me of losing Tempest's mittens yesterday. He said he wasn't accusing, he asked her. But she wouldn't know. And she actually liked having her mittens attached to her coat. But his apologies are more about he's sorry I feel this way, not that he's done anything to deserve it. When he first said I was holding grudges, of course I wanted to deny it immediately. but I've had most of the day to think about it. Maybe I am holding grudges. He talked about the guy at the car accident, that i was so quick to forgive him but i wouldn't forgive dilbert. I might need to meditate on that a bit, but no, I don't forgive him. Because he's not sorry, either. he's sorry i *feel* this way, not sorry for anything he did or didn't do. He mentions going out as a couple more often but not spending more time with the kids, even though I brought those things up, too. So he practically made me hold his hand through the last episode of Reign. "Do'nt you want to snuggle with me? Don't you want to hold my hand?" Well, no, but if i say that out loud this hurting act will continue. He's still putting up the cooking and saying it doesn't take me very long to put away his clothes. There's something wrong here, and it just sounds like the same dilbert. i accused him of not changing. And he swears that getting rid of the books was just a joke. But it wasn't funny. and it couldn't be funny. and how could he not get that?! I cannot stay. I can't let him get to me. But damnit. This is HARD. |
| The difference is, plans are more easily darned. I read the apartment application today, especially the part about income requirements and income history. I don't have either, right now. Except I do have some  from my father, and that'll have to grease the wheels. And I have a little time to make a new plan. Or modify. Whatever. The good news is my car will be fixed ahead of schedule and they'll bring it back here tomorrow. One thing! Scheduled to teach 4 classes this week, and people showed up to two of them. (ha!) But I signed in anyway. Three of those classes were outside the normal schedule and downtown for the special holiday week. Glad four people showed up to one of them. *sigh* The weather has been abysmal, which hasn't helped a bit. Freezing rain and snow. I need this separation and I need to have my own space and I need it as soon as possible. {e:determined} |
| Him: "Where are [Tempest]'s mittens?" I looked at him blankly. Because I was trying to put the kids to bed and I couldn't imagine what it had to do with anything at that moment. Him: "The ones i clipped to her coat This Morning?!" Still had no idea. Then I remembered that Tempest had gone out with friends. I hadn't gone, Trillium, Diego, and their baby stopped by, and she was out with G, S, and G's parents. They went roller skating. I was sorry to miss that. It was her first time. G's mom sent me many pictures, which I am happy to receive. When that dawned on me, I found the mittens close to the door where she had come in. They had been unclipped, but they were there. But he accused me. Like I had attempted to do .... ? And to think I had softened a little this morning. I can't do that. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Dilbert asked if it was just him. Because I'm snapping at him .But he's being so annoying, I just can't help it. I did go to yoga this morning, but icalled in the other class. No one showed up for the first one, so i highly doubted they'd want to leave home for the second - writer's was cancelled, too. He decided to tell me all about my car when he figured out I got home. WHILE I WAS IN THE SHOWER. Can't I have five minutes of peace? I can only hear him when he's facing me. So then I have to ask 'what'? because the water and the fan are going and he mumbles. And i asked him if he was going to talk to me at any other point today. Turns ouit, not really.  He decided to clean up Tempest's room. Not like he discussed anything. So he dragged her in there (after Dogbert and i came home). I said we needed to break for lunch. And we did, late. Kids kept snacking. And we didn't really have a meal together. More leaning of Tempests room - it looks nice now, but dange it took a lot. Cleaned out her drawers of too-small stuff, too. Dogbert's room is next. Carpet people coming tomorrow to fix my office, so I had moved everything out. And of course, toward the end, I had emptied "my" stuff into one tote and 'his' stuff into a different tote - and he wanted to use one for Tempest's room so he basically repiled them all together into a third tote.  And the financial dude called, and the kids were loud, then dilbert came upstairs, and i had to run to a different room to talk to him, and i lied and said it was another one of those political surveys. Then he looked up the number on the phone - right then - and said 'oh, 209, yeah, that looks like one of those political calls. we should block the number.' ... dead pan silence ... There's a cold feeling in my gut. Why doesnt he trust me? Why am I lying? Why can't I just FUCKING LEAVE NOW?  I will call tomorrow to get an appointment consultation with a lawyer. Gonna see the Islander tomorrow after PiYo and I'm sure I'll be able to get a phone call in without the kids listening. Plus fill out that apartment application and maybe even drop it off. Fingers crossed. My ducks are almost in a row. |
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