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When one blog is filled, another one must open. |
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Coming soon: more work from someone creative, ambitious, and determined - often called a variant of insane/crazy. Notes: Genderfluid. Preferred pronouns (they/them) [& denotes married couples] Immediate Family: soon-to-be-ex-Dilbert, Tempest, Dogbert My Extended Family: (s)Dad, cousins (K, D, G, J, F, N) I guess it's good to be on speaking terms with someone. Voluntarily. AuntS Dilbert's Extended Family: SIL (+5 kids)& BIL, FIL's gf (only for holidays, mostly) Important People I Don't See Enough: Owl + Partner, Paradise ICON crew (which owl is a part of) People I've Known a Long Time/Long Distance: Doc & [husband], Sheer & DocSheer, Mrs. Light & [husband], Trillium & Diego (not married but close enough), Steph Local People: MotherDroid, Owl&Partner ... There are about to be new people on this list, because, well, I'm evolving. And it hurts. DnD: used letters, S (DM), D(doctor), Y(because I like him!), K(old RPGer friend who also attends church), P(church guy who does game night and is local and our families are also friends), A (went to church but moved back to Chicago, moved back locally then i moved) Tempest's friends: I don't know very many of her local friends. She's got an internet buddy who also talks to CousinK's younger daughter. the younger daughter is DRAMA. Dogbert's friends: Has a new group of friends based on a Pokemon thing and they have a DnD club at school and outside of school. Lucky kid! |
| I just realized this today- so i started looking at furniture online. To get an idea what I might be looking for. 1. the 'guest bed' is the futon my parents purchased for me 22 years ago. 22 years? It wasn't made for that, or nearly as many moves as I've made with it. 2. the new furniture is in dilb's entertainment room (purchased 2007ish) 3. the loveseat upstairs we bought together 15 years ago- our first joint furniture purchase. So i really started looking around. Plastic night stands with drawers. Antique table from his grandmother (that i happen to love). $1 (purchase price) monster desk we moved today that dilb bought at the auction house right after he moved into his first apartment. Still using the bedframe given from my parents (no headboard), though a wheel broke off sometime this year(?) The bedroom set i got with the futon (again, 22 years old and a lot of moves) in Dogbert's room. My father's old dresser in Tempest's room with the bed Dilbert's father made for him. I have a newer re-purposed dresser, but it had been purchased originally for Dilbert's upstairs TV because I wanted to be able to hide it away. Then turned into a coat closet in DSM and now a sort of dresser. The TV could still be hidden behind the doors above the fireplace, but they're often just open. So I'm wondering if I ought to just create a lovely budget and buy myself some new furniture. A chair or two, maybe a loveseat. beds for the kids. a bed for me. With a fucking frame and perhaps a canopy. Something. Just, maybe not all the first week I move out. He wasn't pleased when I got the curtains for the bedroom, either, but I couldn't handle the light in my eyes anymore when the sun came up. They look lovely, but damn. I should have nice things, too. |
#22 The photograph on the wall showed the kayak going over the falls. "We're not going to do that, are we?" Her voice squeaked. She didn't want to show fear in front of her friends, but this was her first time on a river. "That's for the experienced, doll. That guy wasn't even supposed to go to the falls, but we couldn't stop him once he was out there. He had certifications and his own camera crew. This isn't a typical river run." I must not have looked convinced. He continued, "You have to show the photographs of people doing insane things. The river you're going on won't even have falls, just a couple rapids. We plan to train you on how to handle everything you might run into, and you'll have two experienced guides to make sure you don't run into trouble." My best friend caught my eye. "How is this worse than skydiving? You didn't have any trouble jumping out of a perfectly good airplane." I frowned. Somehow all of it had to be a trick. Death defying stunts wracked up one vacation at a time. "All right. Let's do it." |
| #21 I watched the people take their turns riding the camel. It looked interesting, but I had no wish to get closer to the smelly animals. I'd been spit upon once, long ago, and since then I gave the camels their space. Even at the zoo, or a carnival like this one. There's no reason to get close enough to risk that again. But the camels came closer on their own. People rode them, and the others had leads. What is it that screams 'come close and spit on me?' when everyone is milling around? I took matters into my own hands. You can't spit on me if I'm on a camel's back. Even that idea was flawed, because there wasn't just one camel. If it came to a spitting contest, I was doomed. Soon as my turn was over, I hid out in my car with the sunroof cracked and a good book. No one could make me play with these dangerous creatures. I couldn't wait to go home to snuggle with my pet skunk. |
| How to Photocopy Your Ass Loretta landed a position at the Sex Toy Shoppe Online. She's heard rumors about Mr. Graber, her new boss, and dying to get his attention. She will do her best to gain her boss's attentions, despite the other office personnel and regular office activities. She must decide if it is willing to do what is required to deserve special treatment. [Would you buy this book?] In christmas news, I'm struggling with my disappointment in the gift I received from Dilbert. He gave me a list of one item, then he complained when I bought it because he knew what he was getting - the link directly linked his email to the updates. I sent him, after that, a list of three items, any one of which I would have been ecstatic to receive. Instead, I got a ring. A different design than any I have, true, but still, jewelry. *slumps* My "kids" (Tempest with shopping with Dilbert early yesterday) got me a LEGO Tie Fighter. That was damn awesome. Santa's elves have no flipping clue how to sew mermaid tails, so I will be fixing that over this next week. Any tips are appreciated. |
| Went to the State Farm estimator for my car. And i got a check almost 3x what i expected. The original quote may have left some stuff out. Of course Dilbert immediately went on a rant about how I should have been more careful when I took it in the first time. It's almost Christmas. We were going to go see Star Wars next week but having issues getting a sitter. |
| if he said he was bugging me while I'm trying to write (and I'm working on a newsletter, really, but he wouldn't know the difference), why does he keep coming in to say something? Why is it when I'm busy doing something he's forever interrupting me? Oh. Right. What I'm doing isn't as important as what he's doing. Plus I'm always attempting to do something. The good news is he paid my credit card tonight. Just over  3k. I'm not sure I've spent that much in a MONTH before, but 700 was new tires and a significant portion of the rest was gifts. He did question the $65 to jamberry and $55 to BAM. Which i explained. But it wasn't that bad as far as credit card payments have gone in the past. He didn't even really bring out much of a lecture. He asked if i had a budget or a log for how much I spent, and I said I often did but not this year, especially with the extra birthday gifts I purchased. Some for OUR kids. He didn't say anything to that. I realized today - before moving furniture and before the credit card- that today wasn't that bad. And that my resolve wavers because I can handle it when it's 'not that bad'. Then I gave myself a hard look inside and said that if it doens't get better than 'not that bad' it's a sad, sad life. And I bolstered my will to leave. I also spent three hours at church today. Three hours?! I went a little early. Tempest decided to stay home but Dogbert went with me. [Tempest has a new app on the android that's really addictive for cooking food and stuff....) Anyway, we went a bit early. Ran into Rascal and Daisy and the chime choir having breakfast. We socialized. Then service. The chime choir played a lovely song. And I felt like the pastor was talking directly to me - about finding your own path. I think I forgot the actual words but it struck a chord. Then I spoke with different people after the service. People I knew from the Y, a few I'm learning within the church. It was lovely. And apparently I've connected to the proper person within the hierarchy, because I just might be able to teach yoga there in the new year. Fingers crossed. Dogbert had brownies and cookies and ran around like a crazy kid/kitten. He charmed and meowed at several of them. Good times. Also, I called SIL today to wish her a happy birthday on the day. She appreciated that. |
| I have an empty house. it needs a bathroom. Just give me a month or so. That house is in iowa city, but it's still a lovely offer. He even mentioned my engineering 'golden arm'. *sigh* But it's true, I might fall back on that. And he tells me how my mom is really doing. And it's not good at all. Despite the second surgery, she's struggling with recovery. He could also commisserate on the dilbert way or the wrong way - because dilb gets that from his dad. Tempest had a good recital. She loves Tumble Cheer. Dogbert was reasonably good, except he fell in love with the video camera and didn't want to let it go. Dilbert and my mother missed it due to illnesses. Then Dilbert had to check the sump pump at 10pmish (after i'd gone to bed around 830 to read, then packed it up and slept by like 915?) and woke me up. I had been asleep. He wanted the specific light, which i found for him, and then i went back to bed. He sort of apologized for waking me. But i had a headache last night, too, and he kept asking what was the matter. I hate it when he keeps asking questions I've already answered. Maybe he does see what's coming. Just another example of how he doesn't listen to me. Plus he's merging the damn phones today. I just have to roll with it. |
| So.... I redid the math. It's not as bleak as it first appeared. And that is helping my confidence level. Which is good, because I seriously needed that. A lot of these things turn around in my head, and I'm having trouble keeping track of them. But i Figure if I can commit to this two-part-time-job schedule from Jan to end of school (end of May), I can at least get the hang of how much I need to change. Doc and Trillium know Dilbert from college, from way back when things were different. Both of them support me wholeheartedly in this coming change. Both of them know Dilbert to be a not-evil person, but not a good husband, father to kids, partner, companion for me. S's mom, G's mom, R&D are also right there with support. Not to mention a bunch of writers who remind me that I can totally do this. (Do I need to name y'all?) Even my mom came up with a comment yesterday- "I don't know why you wouldn't get [dilbert] to move out and keep the house for the children." and "Make sure you get a consultation from a lawyer." That might not seem as supportive out of context, but she meant well. Probably ought to also mention she doesn't feel safe in an apartment structure. I saw an apartment yesterday. It's far from perfect, but I think it'll do. So my mind is twisting scenarios about how to decorate it and what I'm going to put in it and how I'd use the space. It's starting to feel like a lifeline. Because of course Dilbert hasn't gone dormant during my internal struggles. This week the carpet guys were supposed to get the padding back and stretch the carpet... but that hasn't worked. Sounds like they've had some struggles this week, too. Not that Dilbert cares. I was trying to get his space done first, but they needed everything moved. Had I known that, we would've had it all moved out Tuesday night, but what's done is done. So the carpet guys were going to come back Friday between 1 and 3. But their other job ran late. And Dilbert complained that I ought to have scheduled it on some time when we could have been the first appointment of the day. And he was adamant that they had to come and finish ours that day, because we had spent so much time taking apart his precious entertainment system and moving it out. When that fell through- he insisted on moving it all back in. Because we cannot go the weekend without the tv. *sighs* I told him I didn't want to move the couch, it was tough to move. But he didn't listen to me. I told him the kids and I could sit on the floor (and we could, it's just the weekend). So of course I ended up moving the couch back in. He's merging our phones today. I told him I didn't want to do that, but I was focusing on Tempest while he asked sideways questions. Then I started to figure it out, and I said no. Guess how much he listened? I suppose what can be merged can also be unmerged, so I'm not putting up too much of a fight just yet. But he was hovering as I brushed my. teeth, talking about the moving and carpet i think? Then he said but now do you understand why i wanted to merge them? And i replied something about the moving and the carpet. So he complained that I changed the subject. So i retorted that HE had changed the subject on me, but I was still on the old one. I said I would have been okay just going to the old plan after it rolled over and just thinking ti had been a fluke. He kept asking what was the matter, and I told him I was trying to get ready to write my words, because I hadn't yet yesterday. He asked a second time, I was getting ready. He asked a third time. I told him he'd already asked and I'd already answered that twice, and how many times was he going to ask? I was tired, I wasn't lying when I said that. I'm not sleeping well. I'm not eating well. And tempest came in at 4 am and startled me awake with "MOMMY!" Dilbert says he tried to stop her, but I don't know. I just cuddled with her and dozed while he took a shower and coughed up a lung. All the moving is too much for Dilbert. He's not recovering from his illness. His knee is inflamed and we had to switch cars, and I have this rotten feeling that it's because he's not getting enough exercise, he sits a lot, and then the only workout that knee gets is when he's shifting the car. The kids aren't apprecating being in Daddy's car. Tempest mentions it's clean. Dogbert points at our car and wants to get in each time. She's had strep throat this week, and e. coli in her urine culture. Both are responding to amoxiillin, i hope. But it was a strange call from the clinic yesterday about it, and I was worried something had happened to Tempest. But she's okay, she was still at school, and I finally could listne through the woman's thick accent to understand what she said. Whew. She's getting squirrelly since Dilbert started taking away shopkins if she doesn't say she had an accident. And she didn't say about it last night, but i whispered that it was going to beo kay, I wasn't going to say anything and neither would she. That the clinic had called about her trouble going potty, and that she would be okay. I do'nt feel this was a strong parenting decision, but I do think she needed a break. Today's another day, and I'll try to help her stay on top of that, too. Because of the carpet, Dilbert worked from home in the afternoon. I got Tempest from school, then Dogbert from daycare, then ran Tempest to gymnastics, then we got a pizza and stopped by the house, then ran to her recital rehearsal. We were only a couple minutes late, so that was happy. But... Dilbert texted that he had been vomiting, and could G or S's mothers take her while I was doing yoga tomorrow? So S's mom will take Tempest. G's parents both work. And we'll all be setting up to be ready. My parents are coming, with a flower, and Tempest is starting to expect it. What a sweetie. Tempest's gymnastics instructor is graduating (occupational therapy) and we're going to miss him. We forgot to send the picture that she painted, and so we'll drop them by today. He had been the once who helped soothe the hurts from the teacher before (the one who yelled all the time). This guy is always calm, never yells. I swear the most I've seen from him is an eyeroll or a sigh at the kids' antics. He is encouraging and he is friendly. He'll do well. Pretty sure Dilbert was only vomiting because of all his exertions. Got in a coughing fit and then threw up. (Empathy is not strong for Dilbert these days). But whatever. I can get through the weekend. I have to spend $15 at Kohls (free money!) and $10 at JCP (again, free money). I can get through holiday. I can get through the end of the year. And in that time, I'll get my  s in a row and I'll be out of here. And I'll be telling Dilbert that he's not my companion nor my partner, and I'll give him examples, and I'll explain how I need some time and some space, and that I'm doing this for my mental health. I keep turning the words over in my head. This has been too long in coming. |
| Every little thing sets me off. Like this morning, when Dilbert was heading out the door and told me "gotta get the trash out." which had been my intention after getting Dogbert into the house after getting Tempest to school. I did take out the trash. And the recycling. And more laundry from the lice-scare over the weekend. We might have been exposed, but took pre-emptive measures. Because no one wants to deal with that crap again. Dilb's first response to that we might have been exposed to lice was "g-ddamnit" with some venom behind it. Working on the phone calls today, too, and meetings - Met with supervisor at Y about possibly beefing up my schedule. She gave me a few options that I can look at. Also talked with the other woman at Y in passing about meeting to discuss silver sneakers, etc. And I received a favorable response to my input for math tutoring, which is also awesome. I don't know if it'll be enough, but it's something. All of it is coming together after the first of the year, but I expected that. It also set me off that I gave Dogbert a bath on Sat (Dilbert complained one of the kids smelled, he didn't specify which) then Dilb said I ought to do Tempest, too, while I was at it. But I'd given her one the day before, but he said do it anyway.  I'm having a lot of trouble distinguishing whether or not I'm being reasonable here, but I feel like every little thing is just too much. He did spend a little bit of time cooking on Saturday (smoking a beef roast) and he watched the kids while I napped 2 hours, then I took them out of the house for the next 4 hours. We went to the museum and then to a church thing, and then Sunday we went to church again and Dilbert of course didn't go. Mom came to watch Tempest sing, and I didnt know until afterward that Dogbert knew the song and was going to do it, too. Next time I'll be sure to figure that out. They both sang it to me in pieces on the way home. Sweet kids. This week will be busy, too. The people are coming for the flooring on Wed and Fri and passport renewal on Tues and probably a few things I'm forgetting. I don't know if it'll be enough to make ends meet until I can make the meetings and make commitments. That part is scary. On the other hand, it'll be a bit more than i'm doing right now, and that is all positive. There are other items i could do to fill in the gaps, too, so I'll be researching those, too. |
They stopped on the top of the ridge, no longer just scouts looking for anything that moved. They had found something, though they didn't know what it was yet. They had been to this spot several times before, but something had changed. Something. They didn't have a name for it, so they radioed it back. Something. Come back. Retreat. The only reply they received, and it did not calm them one bit. One parting glance to the wave that could not be water, and they turned around. Stone shouldn't move that way. It didn't move that way, from their experience, but this was a new place with new environments and new obstacles. They arrived inside as the gates closed down. All the scout reports in each direction mentioned the same idea, a wave that had the look of solid rock, but moved exactly like water. The idea comforted none of them, now trapped behind walls of stone that could betray then as easily as the formations outside. They milled around the stockade and the central courtyards. No commander could keep them from the panic as they churned inside the structures. Flags along the corners changed into warning to danger to imminent threat. Then the wave hit the walls, and the stone felt the changes. That Something felt earlier emerged from the hybrid of the rock wave and the stone wall. Its presence menaced the caged people inside. They slowed their panicked steps to stare transfixed at the wall in flux. No voice emerged, but the meaning was felt. You trespass here. Go back. There is no back. No way to show them that their world had been destroyed. That they came to a new place, hoping for a new start, finally wary of the damage they might cause. Yet the rock smelled their destruction. Go back. Return to your ruined home where it could not protect itself. You will not be the conquerer here. The resources had been gone. There could be no trip back. They bowed heads, unable to face the force or hold on when the brunt of it hit them. Then the walls came down, the people absorbed, and the entire place returned to its pristine form. The rock wave left behind a figure, all done in stone, of the people who had come and been conquered. Not enough worlds knew how to keep the invaders from winning. Yet it could not leave and teach them, so it existed on its own. |
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