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When one blog is filled, another one must open. |
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Coming soon: more work from someone creative, ambitious, and determined - often called a variant of insane/crazy. Notes: Genderfluid. Preferred pronouns (they/them) [& denotes married couples] Immediate Family: soon-to-be-ex-Dilbert, Tempest, Dogbert My Extended Family: (s)Dad, cousins (K, D, G, J, F, N) I guess it's good to be on speaking terms with someone. Voluntarily. AuntS Dilbert's Extended Family: SIL (+5 kids)& BIL, FIL's gf (only for holidays, mostly) Important People I Don't See Enough: Owl + Partner, Paradise ICON crew (which owl is a part of) People I've Known a Long Time/Long Distance: Doc & [husband], Sheer & DocSheer, Mrs. Light & [husband], Trillium & Diego (not married but close enough), Steph Local People: MotherDroid, Owl&Partner ... There are about to be new people on this list, because, well, I'm evolving. And it hurts. DnD: used letters, S (DM), D(doctor), Y(because I like him!), K(old RPGer friend who also attends church), P(church guy who does game night and is local and our families are also friends), A (went to church but moved back to Chicago, moved back locally then i moved) Tempest's friends: I don't know very many of her local friends. She's got an internet buddy who also talks to CousinK's younger daughter. the younger daughter is DRAMA. Dogbert's friends: Has a new group of friends based on a Pokemon thing and they have a DnD club at school and outside of school. Lucky kid! |
| You need to go get me my blanket. I might be more sensitive after this week, but that's not gonna fly. I made him rephrase it with please. But he needs to go get things himself. Gah! |
| Today, upon leaving, he said, "If you could put the laundry away today, that'd be great." |
| Yesterday he did ask how my day went. And he followed up with a question so he was listening. But that small thing is not enough to assuage this torrent of anger and resolve that is moving me out and on my own. |
| I refused to put his clothes away, and I cited my response this morning that I thought he should do it. That I'm trying to get the kids to do that and it's a good thing to see everyone doing. To which he turned around and said, "I work 60 hours a week. Do you do that on the housework?" And he gestured to our bedroom. "I mean, look at this room." To which I replied that obviously it wasn't good in there. Of course it was my fault. He said that wasn't what he was saying, but what else could he mean? I don't like how my bedroom looks right now, either, and every time i get around to trying to clean it I get called away or distracted or something. Every Time. I was mad at that point. Too mad to point out that 60 hours per week is 12 hours per day, and most days he leaves between 730 and 830 in the morning and returns by 6 or 7 in the evening, sometimes as early as 5 or a little before. He only works 5 days per week. He has a 20 min drive to and from work (total 40 min) plus he goes out to lunch every day near as i can tell. [something not allowed when i worked full time.] I had mentioned the dirty socks downstairs and the dirty dishes, and he said he'd picked them up. Whatever. And I rushed out the door with Dogbert late to preschool. He kept standing around and making comments about my phone (i was talking on the cell rather than the home phone) and he asked how i could get up to 5 hours without knowing it when the previous two months i'd only used 30 minutes. I told him I had used my phone time the same way the last several months and that had obviously been a mistake. Then he said he needed to combine our accounts if we're both going to have unlimited because we'll save $5 per month, but i'll have to change my number. WTF? We have the same mobile company. (another thing I was too mad to say at the time.) If they can't flip my number over to another account, that's asinine. What i did say was why he couldn't switch his number. and he said because his was associated with all the billing stuff. He shouldn't be signed up for the damn unlimited plan anyway. He *never* uses his phone. If he wants to save the $5 per month he can take his own damn plan down. Doesn't matter. I'm not staying for this shit. The calm has settled in, because I know what I have to do. Thursday I'll do the call for apartment openings. I'll call tomorrow about the cashing in of the last bit of money from my father. I'll need more. But I'll find ways to manage it. He does ask why I'm so mad a lot. He really, really doesn't get it. After I took the little guy to preschool and he went to work, he texted me three times. Once at 945. One at 947. and the last at 1025. "Sorry if it seemed like I was nagging this morning that was not my intent." "Though the conversation this morning tells me we shojuld discuss what bugs us and expectations of both of our contributions to house work." "Any comments?" On S's mom's advice, I ignored them. Rascal was at an eye appt, and I just needed an outlet. She gets it, I think. So I went to the Y and I taught my Silver Sneakers yoga, and that was a riot. Almost literally. But I smoothed that over the best I could, and I went on to pick Dogbert up just after noon. I was maybe 5 minutes after the door opened, which is good because I hate to be late, but today was a necessity because of the hubbub at the class. And he said he wanted to play at the museum. And I was calm, I'd had it earlier, and the yoga helped me center despite the drama. And though I was hungry, we played. I played with him like I'm not sure I've done in a long time. 45 minutes later, I dragged him to the library to get a book, then he dragged me into the back to play with the library trains. 45 min and a dozen books and movies later - we go home. Dilbert's car is in the garage. I thought, oh. He got it. He came home to talk. And I had that nervous feeling in my gut when a hard conversation is coming. But I called Hello twice to no answer, so I looked for him. Found him downstairs, watching tv, and I realized he didn't get it at all. He was only home because he was coughing. And he fell asleep a few times in the afternoon - he wandered upstairs once after we picked up Tempest and again after we were home from TumbleCheer. He almost sat with us at the table to eat, but he complained/explained that the table had too much stuff on it so he'd eat downstairs. I did say I could clear it offf, but he said that's ok and went downstairs again. Where he is now. As I'm about to start getting the kids ready for bed. Alone. Like I usually do. Today during TumbleCheer I made a list of probable expenses. So I could start a sort of budget. I'm also putting together in my head what is reasonable to take with me when I go. The only reason I'm waiting for January is because logistically I cannot get this done before year end. And when it rains- my artist finished a cover for me.  It's only two years late... But I'll figure something out. I'm tenacious that way. And of course the work is fantastic. The Y drama, for whomever is curious: We've been bounced around a l s t during constuction, and one of the guys had simply had enough. He yelled at a woman who was not at fault, and I tried to smooth it over. And i started going in making a scene: Feel like rubber? Someone said they hadn't thought of it that way. And then "I'm rubber and you're glue, it bounces off me and sticks to you." To which someone else replied (I had about 16 people in there with me} "You definitely have kids." So I powered up the immaturity and told them my kids aren't saying that yet. That I remembered it from when I was a kid. Because it wasn't that long ago for me, as they're constantly reminding me by calling me baby. Yeah, feisty me. That's not a bad thing. And talking to dilbert .. about 'house expectations' |
| What he said this morning: He announced he was upstairs. I asked how he slept, and the answer was done equivalent of eh. I also mentioned tempest would stay home from school, but i took her in two hours later for being rowdy with her brother and not coughing. 1. Remember to take the garbage out. 2. You need to put my clothes away. 3. You need to call about the carpet pad. The carpet thing started late Friday so it would have to continue today-i knew that when i called about it. I also have my own list of things to try to accomplish. One of those things had always been to get my kids self sufficient. How can i get my daughter to put her own clothes away if he doesn't? |
My world narrowed to just the woman in front of me and my footsteps. She knew the way, somehow, in an elephant like generational memory. I could only follow. The thin layer of water covered everything beneath, fogging both my senses and my sensors. Helpless, I continued marking the points to set my feet and hoping I didn't overshoot the narrow ledge. This trek drove home that she wasn't like me, despite how much we had been raised together. She was one-quarter something else, and that had never mattered until now. Her senses were like mine. Her family had been mine. And yet, this dark secret brought us to a different pass than I could have expected. My sister, my friend, and my confidante for my lifetime had turned into someone foreign and unknowable. I wasn't even supposed to be here. She was supposed to take this trek alone, and I would remember that. Except I couldn't abandon her. But if I couldn't leave her alone, I also couldn't forget that I had no place here and I was the expendable one. It's hard to think of myself that way. I who had managed not only through medical school but also engineering school beforehand and had been generally understood as the sister who was going places. This planet cared for none of that; its unknown composition fouled up everyone but her, this foreign sister who had one native grandparent to the mess. No one accurately explained how her grandmother had gotten away. No one explained how her father hadn't been able to understand the impulses from the planet but my sister could. She changed directions, and I followed at that spot. I couldn't allow more than three feet between her and me or I worried I'd lose sight of her completely. The entire planet objected to my presence, and I could feel it as surely as she could. My sister's only other blood relatives were male, and as unhelpful as her father had been. He had nearly been lost to the shifting seas. But why she needed me? No one could put that into words. I just couldn't allow her to do it on her own, and she couldn't do it without me. Our mother had kept us together despite all the costs, and we wouldn't be parted despite the wishes of everyone involved. Her mission had become mine, no matter the stranger she would now always be. She stopped. Her arms spread wide. I only saw the middle of the lake, with mountains at the edges all around us. It made no sense to me, but I stopped near her. Near enough to feel the difference. The winds changed here, rolling over both of us from some unknown origin that only my sister could see and touch. She reached back for my hand, and I took it gratefully. Was I providing her as much comfort as she to me at this moment? She stepped forward, and I saw no more ripples in the water. I put my feet exactly where hers had been, and after two steps there were no more ripples from my feet, either. But I couldn't see where we were. Were we standing just over the lake, or had we passed through to something else? I closed my eyes, disoriented by the mismatch. My sister's hand was warm, warmer than it ever should have been. Her touch burned me, but I couldn't, wouldn't let go. My fingers felt like ice, even to my own touch. Another bout of rejection from this inhospitable place? Light broke over us, funneling aroud and around us. Rainbows cocooned us within this spot my sister had chosen, and I felt the wind ripping her away from me. We held both hands. Foreign she might be, but nothing would separate us. The resolve in me strengthened and the wind died down. The thunder clapped then, like a sound wave breaking over us. My senses changed, seeing the world as my sister did, possibly, for the first time. It was beautiful, but it was deadly. The razor edges of the path we'd walked came to me, and the lake completely disappeared. The water was still there, but it merely floated. That was one reason the sensors couldn't make anything out. The consciousness behind all of it wouldn't allow them to work. My senses tingled, my body shuddered, and I no longer felt the chill. She turned to me, smiling. "You've been accepted. You're one of us, now." If only I had any idea what that would mean. |
The hunters approached cautiously. The village remained tucked within the forest, awaiting whomever might come. Except it hadn't been there before. The dwellings blended into the scenery, but they would not have missed it. No one lived in this forest, and certainly not in the middle where all the myths originated. They looked among themselves, each one unwilling to be the ambassador to this village. Strange things happened when the natural order was disrupted, and someone had to warn them. Korai stepped forward. His duty dragged him onward despite the warnings in his brain. He could tell the others sighed with relief as he moved toward the village. People emerged from the dwellings. A tall woman, nearly as tall as he - and his people were tall, walked to the edge of the village where a barried marked the edge of their territory. Korai walked up to her. "You see us." She flipped her hair around, long waves of black silk fluttering. "Welcome, Hunter." Korai tingled from this greeting. Warning bells exploded within his brain. He couldn't figure out why. "Greetings, stranger." "A stranger, Hunter Korai?" Her eyes twinkled amusement and her laughter bubbled out. "Shouldn't we be acquainted already?" Hunters had friends once. His kind had another people they traded with and they could count on for protection. All the old myths had been specific about who these people had been, but no one had seen them in a century or more. He dredged up the pieces of the tale, searching for the proper wording. A child played in the background. A wolf, overgrown, stood watch over her. Another woman stayed nearby. Korai shook his head. "You cannot be those Foresters. You disappeared long ago." The woman blinked. "Did we? Or did you stop believing?" "No. Not that. Else we wouldn't be here now." Korai thought about that. "Would we?" "I am Jila. I need your help, Hunter Korai. I had to do all in my power to lure you in here. Will you assist us?" She stared at him with her indigo eyes, then he saw the cat-slit within. He bowed his head. "Yes, lady. I will do as I must to help you and your people." She pointed to the child. "We need someone to know the world without. Take her, teach her, and return her when she approaches adulthood. I will be watching." The little girl rose, and the wolf with her. The girl's nose quivered as she approached the Hunters. Korai figured she was at least half wolf herself. That tended to run in the forest communities, at least in the myth. Could that be true? Did he really just speak with the deity's representative? He gulped. "I am Korai. I am to be your escort and your guardian until you return." "Hunter Korai." The child blinked fast, a mannerism Korai coudn't fathom. "Well met. I am Mina, and I will be your ward." Her hand reached to the wolf, never looking for it, but knowing the wolf would be where she reached. "Sasha, my traveling companion." Korai bowed deeply to all three, the girl, the woman, and the wolf. "Happy Hunting." When Korai turned to look for the woman, the village had vanished again. But the child remained by his side, and the wolf next to her. The girl didn't speak, but the wolf prowled endlessly around her. Korai couldn't understand why the wolf child would need to go through this journey. No one had in too long to remember. He wouldn't know if he would be believed, despite the rest of his hunting party who had seen what transpired. They had two days travel to return to his home, and he would figure out what to tell the elders by then. The youngest looked near her age, though Korai knew looks might be deceiving. They frolicked together, neither quite acting what their age should have been. Korai stopped. He forced his steps when he might fall behind. He knew. He understood. The two children would be mated, a bridge between their worlds. He went cold all over. What did it mean when the gods reached out and sent one of their children among the people? Something was coming, and it couldn't be good if they needed a liaison who brought her own wolf. The elders would know the myths better, but the last wolf-child hadn't been seen in centuries. The last mated pair between Hunters and the forest village was supposedly with a bird-child who flew away after the ceremony, dooming them to years of drought and misadventure. Korai would watch over this one. Perhaps the time of favor would come again. |
| It's gonna be tough to overcome this bump in the road. Why is every little thing something worse in the scheme of things? 1. Dilbert is sick. That makes him hard to live with in the best of times, and these aren't really the best of times. He had a meeting yesterday, which put me squarely in charge of the water damage downstairs. I thought that was okay, but of course i never think about how dilbert will respond to things. The guys were here. The guys worked. Rascal came over to pick up Dogbert from preschool (instead of watching him during my class, which i cancelled for an emergency). I needed her to tell me to let these things go. I need to relax, and I can't seem to help myself. I keep trying to do one thing or another thing and it's all just too much right now. But Dilbert's been cranky and yelling at the kids and generally difficult. He's upset there's no food in the house, but I'm still unsure what to get. So it's hungry man and frozen burritos and frozen lasagna and bananas and yogurt. 2. The water damage in the basement is coming along. I repeat what they tell me, but it's never enough for Dilbert. He wants to know how dry 'dry' is. Uhm, whatever's normal for drywall, which would be less than 12% moisture. The water wicked up the bookcases near the walls. Dilbert quote "Well, that tells us something. Books are bad." I told him not to go there. Seriously? YOU LIVE WITH A FUCKING WRITER. [my shirt arrived today, the one from failbook "I'm the psychotic writer everyone warned you about." Currently in the dryer. Trying to decide whether it's in bad taste to wear it to preschool dropoff and pickup tomorrow.] 3. My mom had surgery today. To correct the problems from the surgery about a month ago.  I mean. That's tough. Dad said she was recovering well. But... uhm... I am worried about my mom. She had surgery, she hemorrhaged, she went anemic from wrong medication - and she switched doctors with good effects so far. But it's still scary. 4. Tempest devolved into tears today. She was worried about G. G seems to tell her and S what to do all the time. And she says she'll get mad if she doesn't get her way. So I told Tempest today to tell G that it was T's turn to pick what they did. Apparently S made a suggestion after T said her piece, and G went along with it. Feels like a success, but I'm still waiting for a shoe to drop. G's parents thought I did okay. Parenting is just so dang hard. But I'm proud of Tempest. 5. Dogbert has a difficult time in child watch at the Y. He likes it there. He likes running around. but he doesn't listen to most of the people there - just two (S's mom and a girl who thinks he's awesome). It makes me glad that someone likes him (considering this new girl for a babysitter because both kids like her and she seems very responsible). But it also really makes me wonder about all the other women who aren't watching him well, not talking to him like he can understand, or anything else. He's too much like me, it seems. At FIL's house, he knocked over my can of soda. I picked it up, but some spilled. So I told him to go to the kitchen and ask for paper towels to clean it up. He left like a boy on a mission, but he didn't come back like I expected (the kitchen was one wall away.) SIL gets up, goes to kitchen, gets paper towels. We'd had napkins to sop up the worst of it, but we had to clean it to continue our game. SIL talks about how her girls are very helpful but the boys not so much. And that Dogbert must be like that. Two minutes later, Dogbert returns, real hand towel in hand! He gives it to me. I asked him where he got it, and he points upstairs. We hadn't been to FIL's house in months. I've never really showed him where to get things ,but he picked it up.  I'm proud of him, too. 6. Saturday morning on the way to DBQ to meet Dilbert and the kids at FIL's house - I cut my finger. And it hurts. It's got that infected look and it hurts all around and I can't seem to do anything to fix that. I've been wiped out from taking care of all the stuff. Dilbert is glued to the loveseat and tv upstairs since downstairs is out of commission. I feel like somehow i ought to be a little more sympathetic since he's miserable. But I'm not. I know he yells at the kids a lot more when he's not feeling well. And the water damage- our sump pump quit and he called me to come home and both kids were antsy in the living room upstairs - Dogbert just bouncing and Tempest crying. I soothed them first and started to get them into bed. What use is anything else if the kids are a mess? Tempest had several accidents while we were gone. Dilbert wasn't happy at all, and I'm sure he yelled about that, too. It's all just too much. And I don't know how else to say it. And how would i ever live without books? I mean, I'm already living without a cat. 7. I had this dream where Dilbert and I had separate living spaces in a temporary fashion. And he asked me how he would know if it were permanent or not. And i said - when I get a cat, you'll know.  |
I don't have to live like this. I don't have to love like this. I don't have to do anything. I deserve to be happy. Sometimes it takes a lot to believe this, but I really need to work on it. *Excerpted from today's brain dump at 750.com I can't sleep again. It's going on 6am and i went to bed around 1, and I've been kinda awake since 5. Part of this leaving plan includes dumping out the savings account for the money from my father - I don't think it's gone anywhere yet. Gonna check before I head to DBQ this morning. Then get it transferred to where I have control over it. Gaming went well last night, except for the part where I laughed so hard I fell into a coughing fit and couldn't breathe. My back still hurts from this and other laughing fits that broke out during the evening. Since Dilbert had sent me one idea for christmas, and I purchased it, I decided I could send him ideas, too. So i sent three things: a serger, a dress form, and a pair of snow boots. He said, "So, you're tired of jewelry?" Well, yes. He even said he didn't want me to tell him I was going to buy that idea because he wanted to be surprised.  So, I gave him acouple ideas where I would be happy with any or all of them. We shall see.He got me a braclet for my birthday. And while it is pretty... *shrug* It just doesn't thrill me. Maybe part of it is the obligation he has placed over all the jewelry that he's given me. Whatever it is, I need to figure out what will make me happy. Because I want to be a happy and successful person. |
| The panic set in about how it all is going to go down. I'm terrified. |
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