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A continuation of my original blog, "Surviving Motherhood". |
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Welcome to my world of middle school, high school, and motherhood. The life of a mom is never easy, especially as children grow, and especially when you have a special needs child. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| Ten days out of the hospital, and it's all same shit different day. The first few days I was home, it was fantastic. I was able to stand up and shower the whole time. I didn't have a problem with going to the bathroom-in fact, going to the bathroom was a breeze again. I could sleep with little to no hassle, life was grand. And then I started relying on the insulin again that we believe got me into this trouble in the first place, and guess what? I'm swollen as hell, and I gained back the water weight. I'm wheezing and out of breath for everything, and it's ridiculous. my legs are constantly swollen, doesn't matter WHAT I'm doing. I could be walking, I could be sitting, I could be working on the elliptical or the exercise bike, I could be LAYING DOWN, and nope, still swelling. I can no longer work my arms to put clothing over myself...this is a fucking nightmare. I feel like I'm drowning. I can't even get a proper breath in. I'm absolutely TERRIFIED to go to sleep. I'm scared my throat is going to collapse under all this swelling, and I'm going to suffocate to death. I've been sleeping sitting up for the last week now. Don's been having a helluva time sleeping because he's watching to make sure I don't stop breathing at some point. This has to end, now. I can't keep doing this. It's not good for me, it's not good for my family, it's not good for anyone. I can't live like this anymore. I follow the rules, nothing changes. I go rogue, nothing changes. It doesn't matter what I do at this point, it all just ends up the same, me swelling and suffocating. I want to cry. I have an appointment with my endo tomorrow. I hope that we can get to the bottom of this and get some answers. If I have to be put in the hospital for testing again, that's fine, I don't care. I'll do it. I'll do almost anything to just get all this water weight off me, and be able to live a normal life again. I'd give almost anything to just be able to be mobile again, make dinner without help again, take a shower without assistance again. I've been robbed of all of this in the last 5 months of my life. I loathe this.It's like, everyone thinks this is fine, because it's not my heart. Well, I'm super thrilled it's not my heart, but I want to know what it is so we can stop having to deal with it. I don't want this anymore. I feel like I'm choking every time I swell. So, if I can get passed all this bad health BS, my girls are going to be working their first encampment ever! Because they're Cadettes now, they're considered a teen troop, and encampment is an event that's put on by girls for girls. Adults don't do anything there but supervise. This year, my girls offered to help, and our event coordinator took us under her wing, and helped my girls shape ideas and plan out stations to put together for the younger girls. My girls had a great time doing so, and are super excited to do this! We're going to spend the night there at the camp, and have a good time with that, and then we're going to wake up, eat breakfast, clean up, and do our stations all day. The girls are going to have a blast I think! This is actually the first time ever that we've had full troop participation in encampment before, and before, all we had to do was go around stations! I think this is going to be a cute and fun experience for my girls and I hope it gets them thinking about the other things they could be doing for the next few years. We're gearing up for the end of the year coming. Lots of end of year happenings are starting to come into the picture, and I'm not quite sure I'm ready for them. Most especially because of my health. Hopefully things turn around soon. |
| So, I just found the most expensive way to find out that my heart is perfectly healthy! Figures, right? So, there's good news, and bad news. The good news is, I don't have congestive heart failure. Yay! The doctors were sure at first that I did-I was presenting with all the signs and symptoms. I had gained 30 pounds of water weight (KÃ¥re Enga in Udon Thani  , you were right! I DO need diuretic water pills) and suddenly I was having pulmonary issues, my breathing was shallow and rapid, my heart was racing, and it was impossible for me to do anything. When I was suffering the most on Tuesday, I walked myself into the emergency room of our local hospital and hoped that they were give my some answers before my time was up. Lemme tell you, Journey is quite the little trooper. I'm super proud of her for not losing her cool, the entire time I was in the ER AND the hospital. She didn't fret or shed a tear. She stayed strong, and we got through it together. Don raced to the emergency room after work that day to make sure I was okay, and found me there in the back, still getting tests and looked at. I stayed in that ER room until midnight that night, where I was transported in an ambulance to a different hospital that had better resources to try and give me the best care. The tests that they gave me at the ER came back clear, but they knew something was wrong, as my arms and toes were numb, and I was swollen like a giant water balloon about to pop. When I got to the other hospital, they decided to observe and test me to see if there was anything dire they had to do with me. The biggest threat was getting a cardio catheter placed in me to see if there were any blockages in my heart that they would need to put a stint in for. Now, heart disease doesn't run in my family. My paternal grandfather died of a heart attack, but he was never diagnosed with heart disease or hypertension, high cholesterol or anything like that. Does that mean that he didn't have it? I'm not entirely able to say yes or no to that question. I was only a young adult, not privy to that kind of information. But I do know that he's the only one in my family so far that had something like that happen with their heart. One the first things they did with me when I got to the new hospital was put me on a diuretic to help bring all the swelling down. Because of this, I lost close to 9 pounds of water weight. Can you believe that?!?And it makes me wonder, how much more water weight is on my system? If I were to start taking diuretics all the time, what size would I actually be and go down to? It amazed me. My heart was working overtime to try and compensate for all the new body weight that I had put on, and because of it, I was presenting as someone with congestive heart failure. The scans and tests and everything that they did at both the ER and the hospital came back clean. No fluids in my lungs, no fluids around my heart, no leaky valves, no weak walls, no weak valves, no blockages...nothing. My heart is super healthy, and just fine. (Believe me when I say, it's quite the relief to hear that I'm not going to keel over of a heart attack any time soon!) The bad news is, we have no idea what the hell is causing all this. I know that when I was made to switch my insulins from what I had been using for years without problems to things I had never used, and somehow coincidentally my problems seemed to start up then. Nothing ever pointed to the insulins or anything else that I took being problem, but here I was, taking all my insulin and remembering my regimen, and yet I was feeling and getting sicker the whole time. Do wants to go with me to my endocrinologist's next appointment so he can yell at her and tell her she's trying to kill me. I think he's overreacting, but whatevs. It's fantastic to have him in my corner, ready to fight anyone and anything that goes against me or the kids.I love that about him. So...while ecstatic that my heart is perfectly healthy, I'm seriously wondering what's causing all this weight gain, and why I'm retaining so much water. This isn't good at all, and I hope they consider looking into it further. |
| ...but lemme tell you, I'm pretty damn scared to find out. Spring break came, and is about to leave. Today's the last weekday day of it. Tomorrow, our weekend starts, and then Monday, everyone's back to work and school, and we start all over again. I do have to admit, not waking up at 6 am has been nice. I have other things going on though that doesn't make sleeping any easier. This week was somewhat of a break...last Friday, we were supposed to have a painter come in and paint our walls, which is weird because we're still living here, but I digress...our place was NOT painter friendly ready. And, because of them having to walk over the mess that was by the drawers on the floor, we got a violation on our lease. They were said to come back and re-inspect on Monday, but for some reason they didn't. I talked to my manager, who said that she's going to call the painter and see when he's able to come back in, and they're going to inspect it then and start painting. We were so freaked out about the violation and being told they were coming back to inspect on Monday that we cleaned up everything we could and took everything off the walls. currently, almost all our stuff is away from the walls so they can get behind it and paint, and all our pictures and such are off the walls as well. It looks really weird, like we just moved in, and we haven't settled yet. I kinda wish things could go back to normal now, but I guess we have to wait and see. I made four big purchases this tax season. One of them is the chair I'm currently sitting on (which is a lightweight glider, a million times better than the busted up junky recliner we tossed), another two belong to Journey now (an adult sized dresser and a new loft bed, which, the bed, I'll get to in a minute), and a 2 in 1 elliptical and exercise bike. All of these purchases were a huge win in my opinion, though the verdict is still out on the bed because it hasn't been fully put together yet. We were waiting on a part that didn't come in pre-cut from the manufacturers. We received it today, so I'm going to assume that Don will be working on her bed to get her back into her room and out of ours this weekend. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed having her in our room this whole week. It was almost like having a hotel stay, and it was really nice to be able to whisper conversations to her while Don slept and she and I couldn't really sleep. At the same time though, it sucks when she's passed out with the cat sleeping on top of her, and you wake up at 3 am to go to the bathroom, and nearly step on her and the cat. Oy. Hopefully once Don gets her bed up and running, she and I can finish off the rest of her room, and get things in order. Don and I pretty much cleaned up our entire room, and now we have room for our new exercise machine, plus Journey's toy bin and mattress. Imagine the room we'll have when Journey's mattress and toy bin make it back into her room! LOL The elliptical/bike though, that thing is HOPEFULLY going to save my life. I remember when I started at the gym after Journey was born, and I hopped on that elliptical like it was nothing and went for a full 45 mins straight. Now when I try to go on this one in our room, it takes me quite some time to build up the stamina. I start off sitting on the bike seat, and pedal for awhile, get my heart rate a little faster, and just keep chugging along.Sometimes I have to stop, because I'm having a hard time breathing, or my thighs are chaffing against my stomach, but I just pause, peddle backwards for a few, and then rest, take a drink, and go again. Today I was able to be on it for 3 songs, and I stood up twice to do the elliptical part of it. Though it wasn't for very long, it was still some good time. I told Don I was going to start using it whenever I felt tired, like I needed to take a nap, and see if that would keep me from falling asleep. So, my sleeping has been really erratic lately. When it comes to the night, I just can't seem to wind down and fall asleep. And even when I DO fall asleep, I can't seem to STAY asleep. I fight with myself over this until morning comes, and by the time 5 am rolls around, and I'm finally done arguing with myself and ready to sleep, I have to get up to get Journey ready for school. Don is the one that's kind enough to take her out to her bus stop every morning, thank god, but it's a real doozy to try and finally get some sleep and not be able to do it all that well. And then i go into Jamie narcoleptic mode, where the stupidest things will make me drop into snoozefest. If I try to take my meds after I eat my breakfast, I fall asleep again. If I take my meds before I eat my breakfast, I fall asleep again. I've finally found that if I take two of my three shots, and the third while I'm in the middle of eating breakfast, then my chances of staying awake are better. My chances of staying awake are also better if the heat is turned up to 60 degrees, instead of the frigid 55 it is in the house while we're sleeping. If the temp is still 55 when I'm eating breakfast, I'll probably end up falling asleep again. This happens off and on throughout the day. If my blood sugar starts going low, I get sleepy, go lay down and sleep. If I need to eat, I get sleepy, I go lay down and sleep instead. I feel like I have to constantly be grazing just keep myself alert and awake, and being of such large size already, I don't want that. I don't know what to do. And then there are other things that are getting me worried. This whole blood sugar thing is messing with my head as well. I'm being as good as I can be, following the rules. Insulin before breakfast, before lunch, before dinner, before bed. Checking my blood sugar at the same intervals, except AFTER breakfast, lunch and dinner. There have only been a handful of times that i've been over 200 lately, and it's RARE. So what's wrong with me? Why am I lacking sleep? Why am I lacking energy? When my endocrinologist put me on this new insulin regimen, I gained 30 lbs in a week and a half, and my whole back, legs, stomach, and what all else has been messed up since. I have no answers, I have no idea what to do at this time but just try to do what they say to do. My original doctor Deborah feels that the new endo is doing me some disservices (she put me on a statin, and those things are REALLY bad for me. Like, I become numb in my extremities, my breathing gets shallow and rapid, and I feel like jumping out of my skin. Doesn't matter what kind of statin I'm on, that always happens. I tried telling the endo this, she said "Well, i just want you to try". Well, I tried. I tried both her 20 mg, and my trusted rnp Deborah's 10, and guess what? they both did the same damn thing. I weaned myself off it I can't take it anymore. I just can't. I feel like whole entire body and health system is trying to compete on who's going to break down the fastest. Not to try and scare a million people here or anything, but I happened to find a small lump in my left breast that's quite sore. I am going to my doctor immediately this Thursday to find out more. I also seem to have a weird growing "mole" (for lack of a better word) on my left hip, that's growing and changing constantly. I don't know what either of these are, or how they started off this way, but I need to get looked at ASAP, because I feel like at any minute, something is going to give out, and my time is up. I've never been in this bad of a position before. I've never had stuff like this happening to me all at once. Arms going numb, and back going out, etc. I feel like I'm running out of time to find a solution. That's the biggest reason I bought the elliptical. I figure if I start building stamina on it every day, I can start to calm some of this down, and I can get back to normal before something really bad happens. I'm not going to lie, I'm scared. I've never gone through so many health issues before in my life. I don't know what happened, or how it got to this point. I was just fine when I went to my best friend's place in Minnesota in August. I start going to the endo, and then I go to Florida, and now it's like all these bad things are raining down on me, and I don't know how to fix it. I take the medicine, I do the things I'm supposed to, why is nothing working right? I mean, I guess it is, because my blood sugar isn't out of control, but the rest of my body IS out of control, and I don't know what to do to calm it down before something blows up on me and then my kids are without a mom and my husband's without a wife. |
| By the time cookie season comes, everything is just speeding by. I'm barely holding on, and it's just this race to the finish, where it ends at the end of April, I'm left gasping for breath and asking what the hell just happened. It happens like this every year. I should be used to it by now. Different factors into play this year though, such as the kids going to different schools, etc. Still though, always speedy this time of year. As far as how I'm doing: good so far. The tide comes and goes, but that's the same for everyone, is it not? It's taking a little extra time in me to notice what's setting off my alarms lately, but I'd rather take that extra time to try and find out than just lash out at the next person that talks to me. I have found that I'm getting a little short with my girls though. When we're at booths and there are a ton of them talking at the same time and not really selling anything but busy making commercials with each other, I get flustered and frustrated and get a bit snippy. I've been working really hard to not do that anymore, but sometimes it comes out. It comes from me wanting everyone to have a good work ethic, stay in the sale and work towards that. Anything else is play time, and we're not here for that. The same goes for the kids and/or Don these days. I get a bit snippy with them too when I need them to follow through and do things so we can keep moving. I need to stop holding everyone to a higher standard like I do myself. It always backfires. Ryan has really thrown himself into this all band all the time thing. He participated in Festival for both bands in the high school, he's required to do solo and ensemble because he's AVPA, and he's needing to practice Carmen for SMYOC. He also went to Festival assessments with his chorale, but I don't know how far they made it. The symphonic band made it to states, which is next month. I hope he doesn't burn himself out. We got him set up with private lessons with his old middle school teacher, and they work really well together. I've seen and heard a lot of improvement from Ryan since he started seeing her, and I enjoy knowing that it's good money spent on something that's definitely helpful. I guess the first reason we never thought to do this is because we thought he would be fine learning by himself. He seems to get himself into good things without having a private instructor, I just didn't think it was necessary. She's proven that she is, and I'm thrilled that we're able to do this for him then. If it improves his abilities, especially in the technical aspects, then I'm all for it. We had an IEP meeting for Journey today, which I was kind of flabbergasted about. I don't recall LES calling this many IEP meetings since she was in pre-k, kindergarten. I just remembered today that Chrissy said they're going to be doing new assessments on Journey when 6th grade comes, and true to form, she was right. They're asking to do assessments again. I went into the schpiel on Journey was finally diagnosed with autism, because I know they're going to probably call the school psychologist and the autism specialist Lisa Dean again to do this study, and I'm worried they're going to come back to the conclusion that they first did when they gave her the AIDAS test; there's no conclusive evidence that she is or isn't. Don and I explained that Lisa Dean gave that test, gave that answer, and the retracted that answer through a series of topics covered at the meeting, and explained how she was pretty sure Journey DID have autism, and that we all had a hand in giving her coping mechanisms to help make it through any deficiencies she may have that would show. She's pretty good at coping-she had Miss Kristen tricked into believing she could get away with the bare minimum. When she showed that she DID need occupational therapy, that she wasn't just there to spend fun recess time with Miss Kristen, Journey would get PISSED. She hates showing her weaknesses and deficiencies She likes to carry herself in armor, looking as tough and put together as possible. She's such an amazing little thing. Middle school has been such an amazing experience for her. I'm so thrilled about that! The adults love her, the kids love her, she weeds out her tribe and sticks with them, and she just does what makes her happy, and I love that. That's what people are supposed to do. Don't bother with the entire world, they're not worth your time. Just stick with those that love you, and have a good time. Nothing else matters. I was so worried about bullying for her. It was a really big concern for me. Not to say that she had any at LES; on the contrary, she mostly had people who didn't recognize or care. There were acquaintances that would every once in awhile offer a hand out, but not often. Journey spent a lot of time on the playground at LES with Blake and Linda at the Meowstic Cabana. I hear now that she and her friends wander around outside talking and playing, which I just about cried over. I'm so glad to see that socially she's become so much more able, and it makes me just feel so lighthearted. That's the thing that scared me most at the IEP meeting though, was that the school psychologist suggested she "outgrew" her autism (if it even is autism, according to her), because of how much more social she's become. It almost felt like she was trying to rip her off the IEP, and I'm not going to have it. She needs supports in place. Don't deny her those supports just because she's much more social now than she's ever been before. She just happens to have found her tribe, that's all. I hope they listen to everything and go with all the evidence and diagnoses when they make the decisions. Journey was chosen as one of the students of the month this month,which I was quite pleased about! I didn't even know they had such a thing in middle school! She and her fellow students of the month got their picture taken at the front of the building and then it was posted on Twitter. I decided to save it for posterity to my computer. So, lots going on, and it's all flying in at once, like usual. I'm waiting for things to slow down some here in a couple of months, and then we should be okay again. By that time though, school will almost be over, and the next thing you know, we'll be into summer. I'm not ready for that. I can't believe how fast this year has gone so far! |
| This is always the time of year where time goes absolutely bonkers and all you can do is hold on tight as you fly through it all. I don't know why, but that crunch right after Christmas till Spring Break is just...auuuuuuuuuuuuggghhhh. Throw Girl Scout cookie time in the middle of it, and it's maddening. I feel that something is off this year with cookies. I'm kind of slacking. Journey didn't sell as many as she usually does during initial order, but i don't think that has any reflection on her whatsoever. This year, we weren't allowed inside of her old elementary school. Kind of sad, but there's really nothing we could do about it. We still have friends there and would rather not burn bridges. She still did pretty well though, even though we slacked quite a bit. She was usurped as the top seller in the troop for the very first time. One of our other troop girls got the position of top seller this year, with good measure. Her sister just this year decided to quit Girl Scouts due to a new leader ruining the experience for her, so my girl got every order that was put in to her family, instead of splitting it with her sister. I'm proud of her and the work she put in. I'm proud of all my girls, they do a great job. Helping with the initial delivery was an interesting experience this time around-I've been there when it's absolutely frigid, I've been when trucks were missing, when one broke down, when two were lost, when it was starting to rain down, when we were short cookies...oh heavens, we've been through so much! But I do have to say, this is the first time i got soaked to the bone! I'm just glad it was relatively warm out while it was raining. Last thing I need right now is pneumonia. Booths are starting this weekend, and I'm afraid I'm not even prepared to do this. I need to fill out my statistics book on what we've sold, and who was there, etc. to input to the website. I also need to get my ass in gear and put together the Thinking Day board, since we didn't get to place everything down before the meeting was over. We have a date set to get annual pictures-Feb. 19th. I hope the pictures come out good! |
| So, for the first part, the apathy...I don't understand it. Cookie season is here, and I'm just.Ugh. I can't wrap my head around it and make it as urgent as I need it to be. Things are coming, things are needing to be picked up, and signed off for. I haven't heard anything from anyone since initial order went in. I haven't heard from my ACM, from council, from anyone. So I'm just kinda sitting here, going, what am I supposed to do now? Crazy time is coming. They know it, I know it...but I just can't seem to get myself prepared for it. Does this mean I think I'm always prepared, or it's not as hard as people think it is? I dunno. Maybe? Probably not. Usually I'm so psyched around this time, making my booth tally notebook, etc. but I just can't seem to get there these days, and I don't know why. I feel like this whole GS season has been off. We haven't really gotten much of anything done. I feel bad, but I don't know how to fix it really, except bring out the book and start working from there again...we're not even finished with journey yet, which is what I really wanted to do. We need to work on that sometime, get it over with so the girls wanting to pursue their Silver don't have to be held back from my fuck up. Anywho... I was talking to Don the other day about how for some reason, getting the kids to school on time this year is so much easier. I'm not sure why, considering I'm up at 6 am, which is not conducive to Jamie awake time. Somehow though, I pull it off, get her ready to go to school, set her up, get him up, set him up, and then I go back to bed if I'm tired still, and if not, just go downstairs. I guess because they leave around the same times now, makes it that much easier on me. Didn't see that one coming. Ease makes me happy. I get aggravated how I have to go pick her up from the bus stop, but honestly, she's the only one I get, and I don't even go all the way. I guess I just want to not have to get out of pj's and go outside at all. Gotta keep moving. Everything moves, so should I. |
| My birthday has come and passed, and with it, I am another year older and I suppose wiser. To be honest, ever since my 21st birthday, I haven't seen much of a difference that each year makes, sans the worst year of my life in the winter of 2005. Spring and summer more than made up for it though. It's so interesting how a few months in a year can change everything. Looking back now, I'd have to say that winter of 2004 was one of the worst of my married and child rearing life, but 2005 was a life changing year. Who knows what could be a life changing year? Sometimes they spout it out into the open air and let everyone around them know "this is a life changing year! Don't forget it!" and sometimes they stand silent until that life changing happens, and you can see it from the other side. I knew this school year was going to be a life changing one for the kids, and we've done well with it so far. That in itself was something I was hoping we were going to have a semi-decent time achieving. So far, so good. There are other things to be had though, that constitute as life changing. For starters, my new regimen for my diabetes. They took me off Lantus, which was doing me wonders, and put me on Basaglar , which doesn't seem to be working as well. It's kind of fitful for me, and it frustrates me to no end how this stupid insulin pen is supposed to fix things the way the separate needle did. I'm having severe issues with the pen, especially for the fact that it doesn't go up the dosage that my prescriber put me on. That right there makes me mad. I'm not a very big fan of these pen needles to begin with. All in all, I can't see this as being a productive way to sustain my life. I will if I have to, and that's what it comes down to, but to be honest, it's a lot of suffering and work all for little to no justification. Both my general practitioner and my endocrinologist have begun to suggest talking gastric bypass and bariatric surgery. I'm of a couple of minds about this. The first thing they're going to ask me to do is lose 30 lbs. The other thing they're going to ask me to do is get my pdoc to talk with me about it. I already let him know that both doctors want me to look into this, and he said he has no problems running the mental health check for this for me. At that point, it would be meeting with a dietitian, a nutritionist, both doctors, and the surgeon that would be performing this. This would be LIFE altering. I would literally be changing my entire life, from the way I eat, to the way I sleep, to the way I go to the bathroom. What I consume, how much I consume, how often I consume...this would change all of it. Sometimes in a good way, sometimes in a bad way. For better or worse, this surgery would change me forever. There's no going back. Both doctors say that there would be a lot of positives for me, such as the possibility of getting off needles altogether, and getting off my cholesterol medicine altogether. Exercising would be a lot easier, which I would appreciate as well. Right now, walking is getting me out of breath, and it really upsets me. In the last few months, I've gained a significant amount of weight, and because of it have had trouble keeping my sugar under certain numbers, sleeping, walking, exercising, etc. I rely on being self sufficient, so having all these drawbacks is killing me, probably literally. I can't foresee myself having to go on like this in order to live a healthy life, so even though I'm scared, I might look into this surgery a little more seriously than I would before. I want to be around for my kids. They need me still. } |
| We were all gifted a wonderful surprise when we found out that Don's aunt could help us travel down to Florida after Christmas to come spend time with her and Don's brother. This is the first time we've ever had a car that would be able to make the trip without any issues, so we took Sadie and drove her down to Florida to stay for a little while. At first we were going to leave Dixon with a friend, but I worried that, because he's so smart, he might decide to take any opportunity they accidentally give him to run out the door and try to find us. (I know it sounds ridiculous, but he's a very smart cat, and I wouldn't put it past him.) We made an audible and decided to bring him with us instead. I really believe that Dixon was taken in and out of a shelter his first year of life, so when we try to put him in a carrier, he struggles and cries, scratches and tries to escape. He got Don real good when we were leaving our house to head out. Thanks to this trip though, he's become more tolerant of his carrier, harness and leash. We stopped in North Carolina for the night, and Dixon was thrilled about our hotel room! He took to it quite well, almost as if he thought that we were going to be living there from then on out. It was very cute! We were stuck in traffic for most of South Carolina and also into Jacksonville, so Dixon was kind of trapped in his carrier for awhile, but he was a real trooper and did quite well. We would stop at rest areas to try and get him to use his litter box, drink some water or eat some food, so we could give him a little breathing room and a chance to stretch his legs. I know he wouldn't really partake in any of the offerings, but it was good to get him out of his carrier so at least he wasn't trapped in there for hours at a time. The kids did fantastic as well! We thought we would be into Florida by 6:30 pm, we ended up not getting there until almost 11 pm. It was quite frustrating, but there wasn't really anything we could do about it. I'm just happy we made it all in one piece! So far, we've seen Don's brother and his wife, got to see their cat at their place, which is really nice, and swim in their pool. It was pretty surreal to be swimming outside in 70 degree weather at the end of December. Only in Florida! It was a lot of fun though. I love being able to swim, so I enjoyed it. We haven't done much else at this time, but really, the trip is about seeing Don's aunt and brother, so spending time with them is more important than going or doing anything else. Today I'm supposed to make a turkey dinner. Hopefully there's enough for everyone! Don's aunt seems to be inviting everyone she can think of. I hope there's enough room for everyone! Dixon has been taking to the surroundings quite well since we got here. At first he was living on the guest bed like an island, and now he's wandering the house, keeping wary of the dogs. There haven't been any fights or physical attacks thank goodness, but there has been some growling and hissing. The dogs are quite small in stature, but they're very curious as to who Dixon is, and where he came from. I wonder what they'll do when we leave tomorrow? Hopefully we have a safe trip back tomorrow. Don says he'd rather not stop at a hotel room if we can help it, and I don't blame him. Money is kind of tight at this point, so if we can get by just by stopping to stretch, eat, and get gas, we should be okay. All in all, I've enjoyed this little impromptu trip! Maybe sometime soon we can make it again. |
| This year has been somewhat hard for us financially, and I'm not quite sure why. I know that we've had a lot more things to pay for this year, such as a full year of SMYOC, and band and chorus fees now that Ryan's in high school, as well as some uniform fees, and tuning up his clarinet. I never thought it would affect Christmas though the way it has. We are very lucky that we can get assistance when asked. I applied for gift cards to help us out, as well as other places, where I could get some wishes of the kids granted for Christmas. All three wishes the kids asked for were answered, and I couldn't be happier, as those are mainly their Christmas gifts this year. My family ordered a few things for the kids, like the video games that they asked for, that I was just unable to afford at this time. Thank god for Papa and Nana and Uncle Jason. Thanks to the magic of gift cards, I was able to afford the other video game that Journey asked for this year. This has never happened before. Usually I'm able to spend our money on these things, and call it done. I've never really NEEDED assistance before. If someone offered and wouldn't take no for an answer before, sure, I'd let them, but it wouldn't be such a big deal if they couldn't. This year, I need all the help I can get. I feel terrible that it's come to this, and I don't even really know how it has, but it has, and all I can do is be grateful every day that it has, so the kids have something to open and look forward to on Christmas day. They're good kids, they don't ask for much. They know the truth about Santa, and they understand we don't have all the money in the world. I'd rather not tell them how far we had to go this year. All that matters is that they got the things they asked for most. There are a few things going on in the background right now, such as Don's aunt trying to put it together that we go to Florida for just a few days to visit. I'm not entirely sure it's going to happen, but if it doesn't, it doesn't, and if it does, then it'll be great to see her. I'm not too put out either way. I'm just used to things falling through is all, I'm not trying to be cynical about this per se, just life in general is all about things falling through and how you respond to them. The best thing to happen to us this year has been Sadie. Thank god for her. We would be so screwed without a car. She means the world! |
| There seems to be some things going on with me that I'm not quite fully comprehending. Last week was a little more foul than usual, only because it was supposed to be the week the hormone fairy visited. However, she hasn't been anywhere to be seen. I am now currently running 10 days late. The chances of me being pregnant are pretty slim, so I'm not TOO freaked out about it, but it bothers me that I still get the symptoms but not the course itself. In a way though, I don't mind. Not having to use feminine sanitary things makes me breathe a sigh of relief. I've always said, if I'm through having kids, I wish I was through having everything else. I've got a tubal ligation, they burned them to make sure nothing else passes through. That should be the end of all of this. The usual act itself though, is what leads me to realize why I'm currently down in the dumps. Because it never showed up, I kind of had to realize the time of the month and match it up myself. Not that that's a bad thing, but...I dunno. Just odd, at least I thought. Weight is currently influx still, blood sugar is less influx, but still influx. Still haven't seemed to find the magic dinner number or bedtime number. Not sure what else I need to do. I would call my endo, but she's currently on maternity leave, so I'm not really going to get any answers at this point. I did drop my a1c from 12.8 to a 7.5. If I could drop it another .6-.8, I'd be in the controlled diabetic range. I fight for that range every day. It's definitely an adjustment. Nothing I haven't been through before, but I do have to admit, I've never been in this range at this weight before. It's foreign to me, and I don't like it much. I don't like this weight range much either to be honest. Walking used to be my jam, and now it hurts so bad it makes me cry. How did I get to this point?? Don and I were talking about getting me a stationary bike at tax time probably, so that way I can hang out and exercise on it constantly, maybe shed some of this weight and start to be able to walk again. That would be great. The season is in the air, and I'm only barely feeling it. This is the first year that I haven't had anything already bought before December. I kinda hate that I have to guess if everything is going to still be there by the time we can afford to get it or not. I'm just lucky that my kids are too old for toys now, and they don't require the latest and greatest. I don't know what the hell an "LOL ball" is, but I'm certainly glad it doesn't hold Journey's interest. Likewise, I'm glad Ryan's not one of those teenagers that requires a new Apple product every gift giving season. In fact, Ryan fried his laptop in a moment of boneheadedness, and has been having to make due with his old tablet until we're able to purchase him another laptop. Rest assured, it's not going to be an expensive one, and he'd better take more care of this one than he did his last one. (Between you and me though, it was actually a blessing in disguise. He was becoming borderline obsessed with Rocket League, so him frying his laptop means that he can't play Rocket League, which means he's less likely to slack off and more likely to do his homework...now if only I could find a way to put a lock on the Discord forum.....hmmmmmmmmm.) Slowly but surely, things are trickling in, here and there. A friend of mine said that technically, we HAVE been giving them Christmas presents since before December-in the gifts of doing things like SMYOC, and Girl Scouts, and admission into the AVPA, upkeeping his clarinet, etc. I mean, maybe to the kids, these are normal things that just get done for all kinds of kids, but to be honest, they're expensive experiences that most kids in our income bracket don't get. To afford a portion of tuition for the year for SMYOC is no small feat, but I know how much he loves playing for them, and I know how much they love having him, it's an organization that feels at home to him and having him there feels at home to them. He gets to shine his talent for all to see, and it's an amazing experience for him, so I do what I can to make sure that it's covered, so that he can play there. Not everyone gets in when they audition, and even if you do get in when you audition, it still costs tuition to play. This is, I feel, one of the best gifts I could give him for his talent of clarinet. Hopefully soon, we'll be able to afford private lessons from his former middle school band teacher, who specializes in clarinet. That's another gift to him that I want to give to help him along his way. He's an amazing clarinetist, he could go really far if he tries, and I want to help aid him in that area. If he asks for me to, I'm going to try and find a way to do it. If it means less physical things under a Christmas tree, so be it. Same thing for Girl Scouts-the skills and opportunities she gains as we go through the year is a pretty amazing wide range. Girl Scouts is honestly hands down the best thing I could have ever signed Journey up for. I guess because we've been able to do it before, the kids kind of take it for granted and figure it's an all the time thing. I wish I could help them understand that it's not. $35 fees add up, uniforms and such add up. Being able to afford that, as well as some other things under the tree, I'm going to call that a win. Cookie season is underway. I'm gearing up for it. It's not as hard as it is fast pace, no breaks, try to catch your breath. Sometimes it's a little overwhelming, but I think it only is for me because I'm basically the TCM of ALL the TCMs. I have some very brave ladies who decided to take on the task of being TCM to two troops. I wish them all the good luck! Because I mostly just oversee everyone's accounts and make sure everything's okay, they're actually working on two separate troops, and trying to keep those two troops separate and working well is going to be hard. I give them all the credit in the world though. I believe in them! |
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