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Review #4109903
Viewing a review of:
 Sitting on The Sidewalk  [E]
A poem when I was going thru a hard patch and needed someone to understand
by gaudil0cks
Review by Dave
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Access:  Public | Hide Review (?)
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*BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome Wagon" ! *BalloonR*



Greetings, gaudil0cks !

Welcome to this wondrous writing community. I saw your poem featured in this week's Noticing Newbies Newsletter and wanted to congratulate you on receiving that kind of recognition in such a short time. The following observations are offered in the interest of hospitality and constructive support, but they are nothing more than one man's opinion, so take them or leave them for whatever you think they may be worth.

TITLE:
The title is a critical element of your composition, because it is the portal through which a prospective reader must pass to enter the realm of your imagination. If that entrance does not spark some sort of interest, chances are he or she will move along to the next item, or maybe even the next author. A name gives the poem a specific identity. It sets the tone and prepares the reader for what is to come.

Your title invites that browser to observe an activity of questionable interest. You might be able to strengthen that attraction by using the direct plea from the sixth stanza to "Stop/Stay with Me," which would appeal to a visitor's sense of compassion.

FORM & STRUCTURE:
Your poem is constructed in the Free Verse form, without any preset patterns of rhyme or meter. In traditional poetry, the fixed shape of the meter, rhyme, and stanza creates an emotional distance which facilitates universal acceptance. The poet writing free verse must compensate for the lack of traditional structure by designing the title, line, stanza, and rhythm to provide the greatest impact in an efficient manner. Otherwise, the poem will be nothing more than prose in disguise.

Dividing the composition into several stanzas helps to control the pacing and sharpen the focus, providing the reader a better opportunity to absorb each thought before moving along to the next. Variation in stanza structure generates a sense of tension, which keeps your audience engaged throughout the narrative.

Abrupt shifts in line structure ranging from seven to two syllables creates a sense of anxious agitation, and the short, staccato phrasing projects a tone of intensity to reinforce the circumstances being described by your narrator.

IMAGERY:
Imagery is the lifeblood of a poem. Like craftsmen carving, sculpting or painting in various mediums, the poet uses words which paint pictures to evoke some reaction. Rather than TELLING about some vague concept, he SHOWS it through images that clearly project aspects and associations with other entities or events, stirring an emotional response from the reader.

The distinct action of "sitting on the sidewalk" provides a concrete image with which your audience can easily connect to become part of this experience in a vicarious manner.

The "ants" metaphor in the fourth stanza paints a very clear picture of the tedious regimentation which many of us encounter in our own lives.

POETIC TECHNIQUE:
Poetry is all about compressing the language to its barest essence, as described in the following link: http://allpoetry.com/column/7541033-Compression-Saying-Much-with-Little--by-mico...

There are a few places in this presentation where extraneous verbiage could be trimmed, in my humble opinion. For example, the second line of the fourth stanza does not seem absolutely necessary. Likewise, the need for the second line of the seventh line appears questionable at best, because the main concern is that "you stay," regardless of how long.

OVERALL IMPRESSION:
You have effectively translated a singular personal experience into a universal concept with which we can all relate. Keep tinkering to trim it up for maximum effect.

If you would like to learn more about the craft of composing poetry, or merely chat among like-minded wordsmiths, we would love to have you join our discussions in "The Poet's Place "  group.

Here's wishing you fair winds as you continue to navigate this universe known as Writing.Com.

Let the creativity flow from your soul! *Cool*
Dave
"The Poet's Place " 

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