Hi Nixie,
I'm reviewing this item for the Power raid.

GENERAL:
Sometimes it is our strongest feelings that are hardest to put into words. It can be easy enough to write an ode to a summer's picnic or a rant about a bad day at work. But our deepest, strongest feelings have a way of tying us up in knots so we barely understand them, let alone have the ability to put them in words. I am so proud of you for putting your grief on paper (paper, screen, you know what I mean) and giving yourself that outlet. I know it wasn't easy.

This piece is flooded with grief. In reading it, the reader really gets to feel your sadness, your anger and your loss. It is quite heartbreaking to read, so I can't imagine what it must have been like to write. I only hope that in writing it you were able to release some of those emotions to some small degree.


CONVENTION:
You've called this 'prose' but I think it's actually poetry. Well, I'm not sure about that, but that's my initial thoughts. I thought poetry was set in lines and stanzas, and prose was written in sentences and paragraphs. Which would make this a free verse poem. I know you claim not to write poetry, but I'm tempted to playfully disagree and use this as my evidence.

With poetry it is up to the author to use punctuation and grammar as the author sees fit, with no requirement to adhere to regular punctuation and grammar rules. With prose (and again, this is just my understanding) normal rules of punctuation and grammar apply. As poetry, I would suggest that while it is fine (and indeed common) to use a capital letter at the beginning of each line, it is disconcerting for the reader when you do this for every line except one. It highlights that line, and perhaps that was the intention, but the second line is far from the strongest in the piece. So I respectfully suggest that consistency would be more appropriate, and that a capital letter at the beginning of the second line would help the piece.

I loved your use of figurative language in the line 'Your eyes implored me'. That is a really strong, powerful line. And it is descriptive enough to drag emotion out of the reader, but still vague enough that we must use our own imaginations. Those readers who have lost a loved one, or been in a similar situation, will no doubt seeing the eyes of their loved ones when they read that. Very powerful.

You use the word 'you' or versions thereof repetitively throughout the piece. Including you, your and you're, the word is found eight times in only 11 lines. That gives the poem a strong voice speaking to the reader (putting us in the position of being spoken to).

The flow is a little choppy, with harsh consonants breaking it up here and there, but this mostly occurs at the end of a line, which actually works really well. 'Mask' and 'dead' give final punctuation marks to their stanzas. It really gives a solid pause for the reader. Well done. 'Despise' has a strong d sound, but the s's help with the flow there, so that one works well too. The last line is the most jarring, with few soft syllables and no s sounds. It is harsh and unyielding, and it leaves the reader with a real sense of dissatisfaction and negativity. But you know what? I think that's perfect for this piece. It's not a sweet poem. It's not a gentle poem. It's a poem of grief and anger, and leaving the reader feeling unsettled is exactly what I imagine you set out to do (well, other than being an outlet, but you know what I mean). You were unsettled and angry, so you want the reader to feel that. I think you've done that very well.


GRAMMAR/SPELLING:
There are no spelling errors, but there are some punctuation issues that bother me a little bit. For perfect punctuation, the trick is to write out the lines as if they were regular sentences, punctuate them, then break them back up into their lines again. But, as I said earlier, in poetry punctuation is at the poet's whim and you can choose to use it or not as you choose. So please bear in mind that these suggestions are merely that, and you need not use them if you don't want to.

Your eyes implored me
When next I saw you
I think both these lines need commas at the end.

Now you've died and gone away.
This was actually a question, so I want to suggest a question mark rather than a full stop. However, it is likely a rhetorical question, so perhaps no question mark is necessary. The pedantic side of me wants the question mark though.


SUGGESTIONS FOR IMPROVEMENT:
I would say you'll rarely get suggestions for improvement on pieces like this one, because we as reviewers understand that this is very personal, and very close to your heart. Who are we to suggest that your grief should be structured in another way? I'm going to take the plunge and make a suggestion, BUT I do want to reiterate that I understand that this is a personal expression of your emotions and you should never feel like it needs to be adjusted to meet anyone's approval.

My suggestion is to remove the second and fourth lines. The second line is weak and dilutes the piece right at the beginning. It is a very visual line though, and I understand why you've used it. For pure art's sake, I think the piece would work better without it. And once you've taken that, it would work well to have the first and third lines together, without the fourth.

The last time I saw your face
Your eyes implored me

Anyway, it's just a suggestion. Just a thought. Use it or not as you choose.


FAVOURITE LINES:
Your third line was easily my favourite. As I said, very powerful.


FINAL NOTE:
For someone who doesn't write poetry, Nixie, this is a powerful, emotive poem. I think you should reconsider your stance.
Thanks for sharing this,
Elle

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .