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 |  Middle-Age Spread is NOT a Condiment!
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| This is my second attempt at keeping a daily blog. I'm hoping I will be able to enter something everyday, just to keep my creative juices flowing. I plan on writing about my day, and infusing it with my "quirky" way of viewing things. If you read my blog for a few days, you'll see what I'm talking about. I'm in my fifties and see things slightly different than mainstream. Hopefully you will enjoy what you read, and maybe even get a laugh or two along the way. |
| The day after my bleach and carpet incident I awoke to a bright sunny day. My husband had recovered from his shock at the size of the bleach stain. We even talked about when we would look at new carpeting. Things were looking up. But then IT happened. My daughter and I piled into the car so I could give her a ride to school. As I SLOWLY pulled out of the garage I heard a loud CRUNCH - CRACK - SMASH! The driverside mirror had caught on the side of the garage door and pulled off. Great! "Oh Mom! Look what you did! You can't hide that from dad" were the words of wisdom from my daughter. Of course she was right. This was bad. This wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't caused a major expense the day before - you know, the carpet incident. If I had a job, it wouldn't have been so bad either. How would I explain this to my husband? I slowly trudged to the bedroom where my husband was getting ready for work. He was happily watching Sports Center unaware of what had just happened. Then I broke the bad news. "What the hell, Vick! You can't just go flying out of the garage. What's wrong with you? First the carpet, now this. We're going to be broke from you and your crap!" To say that I felt lower than an ant would be an understatement. I went through the day fearful of what I would break, spill, smash or otherwise ruin, next. Now I am banned from parking in the garage, and my husband is seriously thinking that I have brain damage. Maybe I inhaled too much bleach. |
| They say "the best laid plans of mice and men often go awry." Well, speaking from personal experience, I know this to be true. This past week I thought I would give my bathroom a thorough, good old-fashioned cleaning. I diligently gathered my supplies and headed toward the bathroom. I mixed-up a concoction of bleach and water and began the arduous task, making sure to scrub, polish and scrub some more. Satisfied that I had done a great job, I carried my bucket of bleach and water out of the bathroom, making my way to the kitchen to pour the lethal mix down the kitchen sink. One thing that hadn't occurred to me as I carried the mixture through my living room was how clumsy I am. As I casually walked through the living room, my foot, or feet, - not sure if it was the both of them or not - tripped on the mop that I also carried. I stumbled, lost my grip on the bucket handle and - yep - dropped the bucket of bleach and water. Panic ran through me - OH NO! Bleach and water on the carpeting - that can't be good. I watched the lethal dose of bleach and water puddle on the carpet. Quickly I grabbed the nearest supply of towels and began soaking up the liquid. I went through a whole stack of dish towels and felt confident that I had gotten most of it out of the carpet. In fact, the carpet was still the same color so I began to think that I had more water than bleach in the bucket. Thinking I had dodged a major bullet, I went about doing other chores around my house. When I made my way back to the living room, the bleach had done a number on the carpet. There was a huge blotch right smack in the middle of the floor courtesy of the bleach. There was no hiding it, no pretending that I didn't see, and no acting like there wasn't a spot on the carpet. This was way too big. I decided to call my husband to fess-up. Better to let him know before he comes home than for him to walk into the living room and find it himself. "Hello Vick" he said cheerfully. "Hi Michael" I said - not so cheerfully. "What's wrong?" After explaining my accident, my husband proceeded to give me a ten minute lecture on being careful with bleach. Biting back my response of "I know you have to be careful!" I listened without comment. "How big is it? Is it as big as a basketball?" he naively asked. "Oh it's bigger than that." Why sugar-coat it? We hung up and I began looking for a throw rug to hide the blotch until we could figure out what to do. Meanwhile, my husband called the carpet warehouse to see if they had any remnants left of the color we needed. After they laughed out loud, they informed my husband that was impossible since we bought the carpet about eight years ago. However, they suggested that we call our insurance agent to see if our homeowner's insurance would cover the accident. I quickly dialed our agent and much to my surprise, it was a covered accident. Whew! Who knew that clumsiness was covered by homeowner's insurance? I felt this was good news, but my husband saw it differently. "We still have to pay the $500 deductible, so, how do you figure we saved money?" I'm still working on an answer to that one. |
| It was a strange feeling waking up this morning. The first thing that popped into my mind was "you don't have a job to go to". What a way to start my day. The weekend was stressful as my husband is in an extreme freak-out mood. "We're going to lose the house, the car, and you're going to be stuck with a minimum wage job now." He feels I won't be able to get another bank job. Between you and me - I'm not sure I want another bank job. Banks are becoming more and more strange to work for, and quite frankly, I don't know that I want to be a part of that culture any longer. However, that is all that I've done for the past 22 years of my life. So, getting a job in some other industry could very well mean starting at the bottom of the barrel. I realized, with this last job, that I don't want to be responsible for other people - I'm not crazy about having a staff report to me. Of course, when I mention that to my husband, he has a mini-stroke from the panic that I might not bring in the income that I once did. Don't worry, he'll get over this phase and calm down. I guess I have to allow him this lapse in support - for now anyway. My daughter is happy that I'm home with her, and the cat is too. And if my husband is honest with himself, he's happy I'm home. The house runs so much smoother when I'm home all day. So, it's back to the drawing board for me. Regarding my potential greeting card writing career, I contacted my instructor from the two courses that I recently took and gave her my bad news. I forwarded the email that I received and she had a great spin on it. She told me that they did mention that my work was great and that they wanted to see more, so I should believe them and send another set of ideas to them right away, while my work is still fresh in their minds. She even offered to look over the new batch and give me her input - free of charge. How great is that? Today, and everyday until I find another job, I'm pretending to be a stay-at-home mom. I'll get to walk through the supermarket with all of the senior citizens blocking the aisles with their motorized scooters and zigzag my way through the maze of unruly kids, just to buy a quart of milk. What fun. My final thought for the day concerns all of you who wrote such great and supportive comments to my last entry. It was nice to know that I do have some value to others outside of my family. You all made me feel better about what happened and you also made me feel great about being back to my blog. I missed all of you too, and truly loved your comments to me. A great big THANK YOU to all of you. Hope you all have a great day! |
| Hello everyone - I was fired on Friday. To be honest with you, it was a bit of a relief. The suspense was killing me. You see, I somehow fell out of favor with my boss and for the past month I got the vibe that she was trying to find a reason to fire me. Everyday I would go to work thinking "today may be the day". So, when it happened, I was mentally prepared for it. I had already packed up my belongings and was set to go when the event actually happened. I also got a major blow in my selling my writing. Since taking the humor courses I began writing greeting cards. I got the courage to submit seventeen ideas to a small greeting card company that specializes in humorous greeting cards. I had all of my hopes set on selling at least some of my ideas. Well, that all ended last Wednesday. I got the email that gave me the bad news "Although you didn't sell anything this time . . ." As soon as I read that, my heart sank. With everything that was happening to me at work, I still had my writing in the back of my mind. So, I went into my bedroom, closed the door, and preceeded to bawl my eyes out. That hurt me more than all the crap that was going on at work. Now I'm in the "licking my wounds" department. On the positive side I will have PLENTY of time to write, so you will see me as a regular once again. It feels good to be back at my blog, and believe me, you will all now become my therapists as I work my way through yet another of life's challenges. Hope you all have a wonderful day! |
| I just finished my first humor course Funny One from the Long Story Short School. I started Funny Too - the second course in the series, and I'm enjoying it. I'm learning so much about timing, punchlines, exaggeration, etc. all of the things that will give my humorous essays that extra punch. I have gotten some great ideas on how to punch-up some of the essays in my portfolio. In Funny Too we will be learning different markets and selling different types of humor - not just essays. Right now I'm trying to come-up with jokes for several prompts. Here's one I came up with for the 'target' of Rosie O'Donnell - let me know what you think: JOKE: I ran into Rosie O'Donnell the other day. You know she's leaving The View, right? I asked her what she would do next. She told me she got a job working with the circus. Apparently the lead elephant died and they needed a replacement. Can you hear Jay Leno saying that in his nightly monologue? If not, then I better get back to the drawing board. I haven't forgotten about my Blog, but I do want to learn as much as I can about making my work funnier, snappier. |
| I need to apologize to you for taking so long to get back to my blog. I've been so drained with day-to-day life that my mind has completely left me when it comes to my writing. I have hit the wall known as "writer's block". This happens to me on occassion and rather than write something that is mundane, I choose not to write at all. I know, I should still write even if it is about nothing. However, I've been sleeping slightly later than I normally do too (yeah for me!). I just started a humor writing course which will run through the month of April. Hopefully this will get my writing back on track and I will be rejunvenated. As I said, "hopefully". So, bear with me as I start this new challenge. I'm sure I will have more to say about it as I get deeper into the course. Have a great day! |
| I'm so glad the week from hell is over. I went back to work on Tuesday, after my mini-vacation, and found out an irate customer that I opened an account for, was in the branch while I was off, making a BIG scene. She was the type of customer that I knew would be a pain in the ass. I could tell when I opened the account for her. Anyway, her savings account fell below the minimum balance requirement and therefore she was charged a fee. Well, she blew a gasket. She insisted that I never told her there was a minimum balance requirement and therefore she felt that the bank she give her $10 in cash for her inconvenience. I had to deal with her which was not pleasant. She ended-up closing her account. Good-bye! Anyway, I went to work on Thursday only to find out that internal auditors were there to do their annual audit. Surprise! We did excellent on the audit, but there were stressful moments. Especially when they asked the tellers questions. But, it is over. Anyway, just wanted to make a quick entry to let you know that I am still alive. I know I've been negligent, but I've been trying to re-charge my batteries, so to speak. Apparently turning 44 took the wind out of me. My week was downhill from the 25th straight through to the end of the week. Hopefully, this week I will be back on track. Have a great day! |
| I took some time off from my blog since it was my birthday on the 25th. So, below I'll try to catch you up on what has been going on the past few days. I scheduled Thursday and Friday off from work, and didn't tell my family. That's right - you read that right. I faked going to work just so they wouldn't know that I had the days off. I know that might sound mean, or even crazy, but I had my reasons. First of all my husband would have made a list of things for me to do. I didn't want to do anything. Secondly, my mother would have called me non-stop. Her conversations are always more than an hour long. And finally, my daughter would have whipped-up some illness just to stay home with me. I love my family, but, they are draining. They suck the energy right of out of me. I didn't want to deal with them. I'm in a weird frame of mind lately, and I just needed the time off. It had nothing to do with my turning 44. But it may have everything to do with the whole menopause thing. I just needed a breather from them. I hung out at home and Licorice (my cat) and I just did nothing. No laundry, no cleaning, no errands - absolutely nothing. I never did get to see the hippie chicks to ask about some kind of natural aid for dealing with menopause. I just didn't want to go and explain myself to them. And I do feel better since I've stopped taking the hormones my doctor gave me. I go to see him next week and I'll have to discuss some of my issues with him. As for things around the house, well, it seems that my husband and I are going through a rough patch. My daughter feels it too. My husband is super-sensitive lately. We have to watch what we say to him and how we say it, or else he feels we are yelling at him, or being hostile to him. (We aren't.) Plus, he starts arguments over the dumbest things. (That's a blog entry itself!) I'm beginning to think maybe he is going through male menopause. I know there is such a thing, but I'm not familiar with all of the symptoms. When we were talking to each other - yeah, we're going through the silent treatment right now - he told me that he was going to talk to his doctor about his low sex-drive. Maybe there's something in the water here in Pennsylvania. |
| Have you seen my sex drive? Me neither. I'm wondering where it went and I know for a fact my husband is too. Therefore I took it upon myself to do a web search to find something that will help me get it back. I searched under the phrase "aphrodisiacs for women" and instantly a page of information appeared on my screen. I clicked on one of the topics and was directed to the website. This site reviewed the various products that are on the market and gave them a rating. The highest rated item was what I decided to research further. I copied the URL, and off I went to the website. This product was a topical cream that you apply to enhance foreplay. Okay, stop right there. That is essentially a problem - foreplay. I can't get to that point. I have no energy at the end of the day to think about foreplay. I need something that will have me in the mood without a lot of preparation and ritual attached to it. Besides, I wondered if they shipped in "discreet packaging". The website didn't mention it. That's all I need is to have the mailman know that we are having issues with sex. Not that he is a blabber mouth. Then again, maybe he is, I really don't know. I do see him fairly often, and it would be awkward for me. I'm more of a pill-popper anyway, so, I went back to my search page and read some of the other product reviews. They pretty much discounted all of the pills that are on the market saying they lack spontaneity. Well, so do I. I didn't see anything in the pill selections that caught my eye and made me want to try it. I went back to the topical creams page. I decided to try the one that was rated the highest. They had a 'menopause help' tab on the website, which I immediately clicked on. It went into the whole "libido declines in menopausal women" thing. Something I already knew. So, after reading the full page of information and feeling somewhat confidant that the product may help me, I decided to buy it. I purchased the trial-size which only cost $5.95. They did offer express shipping at a special price, so I took advantage of that too. The quicker it gets to me the better. This should be interesting. I've never tried anything like this before, but desperate times call for desperate measures. So, in three to five business days, I will give you a full report - well, maybe not a "full" report, but I will let you know whether or not it works. First I have to find energy pills that I can pop before I even think about foreplay. I'm off to Google! |
| I stood in my boss's office having a pleasant conversation with her, when it hit. It came out of no where and without warning. At first I didn't know what it was, but then I realized what was going on. I was in the throes of a hot flash. I'm a little slow to recognize them for what they are. I always misdiagnose the symptoms and blame it on needing something to eat. Well, of course I would do that - any excuse to eat something sweet. I think my blood sugar is low, so, hit the candy and you'll be fine. I walked back to my office, sat down, and began fanning myself with the nearest file folder. It was that bad. I felt like I had just come in from doing yard work on the hottest day of the year and the air conditioning wasn't working. My boss looked at me and knew what was happening. She told me to go outside and cool-off, and she also told me that my face was red. Okay, if I have to live through these hot flashes, fine. But, I don't want my face to look red. That's unacceptable. I don't want the whole world to know, just by looking at my face, that I'm afflicted with a hot flash. Isn't it enough that you heat up like someone lit a flame under you? Do we really need to have visible signs too? How do I pull this menopause-thing off without the whole world knowing? Talking to you about it is one thing. Having the whole world know is another thing all together. I want to have some kind of control over this 'condition'. And therein lies my problem. I, the consummate control-freak, have no control over this. Can't I schedule hot flashes for early in the morning, or later in the day? Do they have to hit me while I'm at work? Don't they know how inconvenient that is for me? What if I had a customer during one of these bouts? The more I experience with menopause, the more I dread it. And this goes on for years? Once, before I entered menopause, I said I wouldn't buy one of those mini-fans to use during hot flashes. Oh how I'm eating those words. A mini-fan is sounding pretty good to me right about now. |
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