This poem is whimsical and entertaining. I enjoyed reading it very much. That said, as a reviewer, there are a few faults, one of which tends to run throughout, and all of which could be fairly easily rectified.
I'm so sick with the 'flu.
I'm not sure what you are trying to accomplish with the apostrophe, but you should get rid of it. Even if you think of "flu" as short for "influenza", this wouldn't be the way to abbreviate it, and people refer to "the flu" all the time.
(And my nose is cute too).
And you could think of ANYTHING else that would rhyme?
He gave me some pills,
And said, "Go home to bed.
"But first get these x-rays,
"And bring them back to be read".
Throughout the poem, one can find this odd reliance on starting lines with "And". The oddest thing is that in virtually every case, the line sounds better and fits the rhythm better if you just leave off the word. Try saying that whole stanza out loud, then try again with
He gave me some pills,
Said, "Go home to bed.
"But first get these x-rays,
"Bring them back to be read".
It reads and flows better. I found six places where you use "And" at the beginning of a line, and one case where you use "But", and in all but the last use of "And", I think it would be better to just leave it off and make no other changes. In every case, the poem then sounds better read out loud, as poems really out to be.
So, again, the poem was fun and well written, but with just a little more care, it could be so much better.
Well written and poetic. I was impressed with how the raging wind is an actual character, and one you can discern from the dialogue. The setting is very clearly drawn as well. I could visualize the garden, yet the actual description is such that any other reader might visualize it equally well, yet differently.
My favorite visual cue is
trying to garden pompous
flowers in a stately fashion
and my favorite lines are
Otherwise, it's nothing more than prostrating
in front of a
saffron-clad mountaintop figure
who thinks he has all the answers
but cannot even speak.
Overall, I could find no faults and no issues. Very nice!
Very nice poem. I like the language and imagery, and the general flow. I think you rely a bit too heavily on the pseudo-contractions such as "defeat's" and "Solution's" and "abor's", which are okay on occasion, but when used frequently seem to detract from the readability. Other than that, a very well done piece.
Very well described, and a very good system, it seems to me. I especially like that you separate out The Dialogue as a separate element, because it is a hard thing to get right and is one of the parts of a story that often loses the reader if it is wrong. The reader may forgive a flat character in the midst of a good plot, or even a weak setting, but the dialogue will jump out as "sounding wrong".
But here I go commenting on the content, when a review should get to the writing itself. Your writing is very clean, very concise (I'm a fan of Strunk & White's Elements of Style) and covers almost all the bases.
I say almost all, because there are two weaknesses I found in this article which might be improved on. The first weakness is that you give this great layout with all sorts of wonderful symbols, and even say "created the following format because I was using WritingML all over the place in my reviews anyway, and I'd started making mistakes.", but for the newbie such as myself, you don't suggest how to leverage your hard work to make us more productive. Is there a way to share all or part of that Word file you mention? This information is a glaring omission for a newcomer (and I'm interested in it myself, by the way). The second weakness is that you gloss over the whole question of ratings, merely showing where, but adding none of the wonderful why and how which you add to the rest of your sections. Even if that information is in a separate How I rate article, it should be linked to from here.
So, a very good guide that could be a bit better. Thanks for putting this together, and it really would be a help if there is a resource for pre-made styles rather than just learning all the WritingML ourselves. Write on!
This was quite entertaining and whimsical. I did have a few issues with it, but I must inform you that I have never played a guitar, nor lost a guitar pick, in my life. Hence, these are writing issues...
You write "among them are thinker, philosopher", but it would sound better to leave out the "among them are" entirely, and you wouldn't lose any meaning.
I guess that "It would only seem natural that throwing all these attributes of mine into a blender, would be a cause for consternation, and I believe I would have to agree." is a humorous aside, but it distracts some from the flow of the essay, and keeps us away from the point - guitar picks!
You start one part "I'd like to entertain the notion that...", and I say, what's stopping you? Why not write this as "I think that" or at least "I like to think that" or "It's possible that" or, if you just can't stand the assertiveness, at least "I like the notion that...". Anything that is more active and less passive than (and I paraphrase) and if permitted I would like to possibly kind of sort of entertain the notion that perhaps, blah blah blah.
The conclusion is great! It almost justifies ignoring my second issue (about the blender), but not quite.
I do very much like your writing. This piece didn't seem as finished and polished as your article on BioBlocks, but was more interesting to read. Write on!
I liked your article. It was clear, compelling and well reasoned. It absolutely made me want to go back and check my Bio Block and see what I am projecting about myself. I'll try to get to that today.
Thanks for writing this. My only minor technical issue (you just knew I had to find one, didn't you?), is that you need to decide whether to refer to these as "Bio Blocks" or "BioBlocks" or "bioblocks", since you use all three (in your article, you description and your title, respectively).
Your tall tale was very good and enjoyable. There were some technical issues which I have listed, and I also want to say generally that the first two paragraphs could be left off completely and not detract from the tall tale at all. They only made sense when reading the last line, but still were not necessary.
Anyway, on to the technical issues I noticed.
"and culminated into a" should be "and culminated in a"
"It had been an awkward week for me; the Lady could not hide her desires." would be better with a dash instead of a semicolon.
"At first I thought whale; then no this was something else." would be better as "At first I thought whale, then, no, this was something else." with the commas and not the semicolon.
In the paragraph starting with "I tighten the mainsail and expanded the jib", you slip into present tense after using past tense in previous paragraphs, then slip back into past tense by the end with "I secured the wheel". You have to stay with one tense. I'm betting you switched after writing one way, and just missed this part.
"It swallowed my fish that was as big as my arm." is a bit awkward and should be a pivotal point, not a pedestrian one, more like "The fish I had hooked was as big as my arm, but this thing swallowed it like it was a minnow." or something like that with more punch.
"what I had just seen, could not be true." should not have the comma before "could".
"Then it slowly dove, I watched it disappear." would be better with a dash instead of a comma.
"on shore wind" would be better as "on-shore wind", but "run-a-ground" should be "run aground".
"Before I went back to the wheel I grabbed my gun." should have a comma after "wheel".
"Come on Lads" should have a comma after "on".
Well, after all that, I still enjoyed the story a great deal. I just think you could make it great with a bit more revision, even if it did win a contest before. Write on, you do it well!
This was a very enjoyable story within a story. I liked the tone and most of the work flowed well. There were a few parts that needed work, though:
"as the town grew, the forest shrank" sounds strange in a children's story, although it would sound fine in a story for older people. I would use something more like "as the town grew, the trees were cut down until the forest's edge was near the hut" or something like that. If you say "the forest shrank" in a kids story, they'll think it literally shrank.
"like roaches in an all-night diner" is completely inappropriate in a children's story.
"scanning the darkness" sounds a bit off. A small boy doesn't "scan", he "searched" perhaps.
"hoping it was his sister and not a monster." is wonderful, and really gets across a young boy's thinking.
"Well, you didn't have to smack my hand with that tuna, mister." doesn't sound like any kid I know, but certainly not any young boy. He might say "Well, you didn't have to throw it at me." or even "Well, you didn't have to throw that can at me." but would never use "smack" and would never stop to identify the contents of the can.
You mention the "summer of 1950" and I'd just advise avoiding a specific date if it really isn't necessary. In 1960 or even 1970, that would be funny, but in 2008 it sounds idiotic, and in 2030 it will sound worse. No matter when, it drags the reader into a specific reality which drags him or her away from a fairy tale other worldiness, which works best in children's stories. Just say "ten years ago"
You say "the cow began eating the tuna.". In a can? That doesn't sound believable. I'd pick a different food that a cow could eat and could still be thrown.
Anyway, you have the makings of a very good story, but I do think it needs tightening. It seems worth the effort to me, so let me know if you do make changes, although I know this was last modified a couple of years ago.
Very well written and compelling account. I could feel the pain she was going through, and the characters of both the girl and the neighbor were well drawn. The dialogue was well done as well, with just the appropriate amount of language to give a feel for the characters without being hard to read. I did not see any obvious spelling or grammatical errors, but it is a sign of the quality of the writing that I was too caught up in the story to be able to see them.
Beautiful emotions expressed well. There are a few places where a bit more work would make it even better.
First, you have a typo: "unkown" should be "unknown".
Second, the line "my love for you is not covered with a disguise." is awkward, and seems to be so in order to rhyme. It is easy to slip into this, but there must be some better way. Perhaps you could write "my love for you I simply can't disguise." but something needs to be done.
Third, the line "There's only one true explanation I can implore;" is a little off - not terrible, but it could be better. Of the top of my head, I don't have a suggestion, but I think you could work around this.
Again, a lovely poem, but with a bit more work, it could be great. Write on!
Very clever story, and intriguing to the end. I understand that it was flash fiction, so there was not a lot of time to spend cleaning up, but there is one weak points. I will try to be circumspect so as not to give away anything important to people reading the view who want to read the story.
The "He distinctly remembered..." line doesn't stand up on inspection given the conclusion. Hard to say much more, but this could be more ambiguous, in a good way.
Very good job with the sonnet. Good iambic pentameter for the most part, good couplet at the end (very important in my mind), and clever but not "too clever by far" phrasing. I'm impressed.
That said, the second stanza is confusing to me and seems slightly off. The "odium of years" seems too strong for the situation, unless I misunderstand it, and the "I prayed for you but gave you naught but frost." as it is confusing whether you or he was being frosty. Finally, the line "Until you came the mile, my heart was lost!" seems like it should be "But once you came the mile, my heart was lost!" if I am reading this correctly.
So, either I am really misreading the intent of the second stanza, or it needs work, or possibly both. Still, a very good sonnet even with those oddities. I look forward to seeing more of your work.
OK, that was pretty disturbing. But, in the interest of honest review and critique, I'll take a stab at reviewing this, maybe even a couple of stabs.
The story is generally well written, but suffers a bit from excess, as such stories often do. There are also a few weak points due to repetition, as for example in the first line:
A small insignificant click breaks the silence. In the darkness, a small white glow
The repeated word caught my attention as if it was supposed to mean something, but it didn't. I'd try something like:
A small click breaks the silence. In the darkness, a white glow
which would not lose any meaning but would sound better.
In a different vein, "Amazement and horror are strange bedfellows on her once pretty features." is just way too overdone. The focus is completely shifted from the compelling story to the writing, and while I strongly believe in vivid imagery, I'd don't think it should get in the way of the story. This happens in other places, such as ", like a swarm of angry bees.", which I would just remove.
And "Her eyes quiver in the night-time gloom, slowly opening to the subdued light. The concern is evident, as she opens her mouth to speak."? Her son is standing in the room with two screwdrivers, and you say "The concern is evident"? How about "She opened her mouth to scream.", which would communicate the same basic thing but sound like a story was being told.
In short, I think the story is strong, but overwritten and undertold. Leave something for the reader to do besides grimace in horror - like maybe imagine the horror rather than listening to it. You write well, but try not to overwrite.
In general, a well written and entertaining story, but it seemed to lack some oomph. Comedy can be hard to critique - one person may laugh hysterically and another yawn - but the issue for me seems to be the characterization. We start with the general idea that Bonzo is rich and powerful, which is odd in a clown, then move to Bonzo as weak and easily cowed with what sounds like extremely weak evidence, them move back to Bonzo as rich and unstoppable. I think you might have spent a little more time showing us "the real Bonzo", or perhaps "the real Larry Henderski", so we would care more.
You do write well, but this piece doesn't quite work for me. I think you could make it much more potent with a bit of pruning and shaping. I'd be happy to re-review if you do and would like a re-review.
Oh, very intriguing. Do you write longer pieces? You do have a bit of a tense issue in "Tobane was in Vietnam for three months now. During that time, he was already transferred twice", which should probably be "Tobane had been in Vietnam for three months now. During that time, he'd already been transferred twice".
I'll have to scrounge around in your other writings, but these are definitely interesting.
Entertaining and provocative - I can't really tell where you are going with this. I really like "their frail forms crunching under the heavy stomp of sacrilegious feet". I like the idea of a drastically different description of nature's processes. I just can't tell whether to consider it a scene or character sketch or what.
I'm looking forward to more of your writing, as this is very well done.
I enjoyed your sonnet (I am crazy about sonnets lately). The iambic pentameter was well done and handled gracefully. The message and flow was consistent, and I liked the use of imagery to harken back to biblical themes.
There were a couple of slightly rough spots, but not huge issues.
"That out of water You won't keep Your fish" seems a little strained, although I like the fish reference. I just think this could work better somehow.
"Please make sure that the Satan never wins." - I tend to think of Satan as a proper name, hence the capital, so using "the Satan" reminds me that you are writing as poem and need a certain meter. Being reminded of that distracts me from the poem, which is what you don't want, even thoughthe meter should be correct. This is especially bad as it is in the closing couplet, which is the focal point. It migth be better with
"And please make sure that Satan never wins."
although starting with an "And" isn't perfect. I'd recommend think about that line a bit more, although obviously the best judge of your poetry is you.
Very interesting and powerful. I liked the flow and the almost-prose/almost-poetry way of tackling a difficult subject.
There were a few technical issues which made it a bit harder to follow, and one spelling error.
The use of capitalization seemed somewhat random. There may have been a pattern or reasoning behind it, but it just seemed random. For example, why did the fourth line "uncaring," use lower case while the fifth line "Trapped," used upper case? I found this distracting, as if I was supposed to see the rhyme and reason but was not smart enough.
I don't know the context of the piece, but the highly specific date, "20/06/2008", seemed inexplicable. After a certain amount of thought, I'm guessing that you are referring to a graduation, but it certainly isn't clear (and would be even less so to most Americans, who are not used to the dd/mm/yyyy date format.
In place of "personel", I assume you mean "personal", although I guess it is vaguely possible you mean "personnel".
Good work - keep on writing, and editing. I'm sending along an encouragement as well.
Creepy, but fun. I'm not a big fan of the horror/fantasy genre, but this seems fairly well done. The punctuation is actually pretty good, despite your worries, except for a real scarcity of commas. Let's do a quick comma hunt:
First paragraph: After Pulling my blanket around me, after Desperately, after inky blackness, after Paralysed with fear (and Paralysed is spelled wrong unless you're British, in which case it may be right), after I am afraid to see it.
Second paragraph: After taunting me, after ts voice changes.
Third paragraph: After and look closely, after Small and sharp, after Choking.
Fourth paragraph: After eyes for the last time.
Aside from the commas, the biggest problem is just too darn much description. Read the following two parts out loud:
Blistered, peeling, infected skin, deep dark eyes
Small sharp irregular teeth set in a large mouth with thin lips curled into a self-satisfied smile.
What is added by all the specificity? Nothing but a sense of boredom with the narrative that is out of place with the excitement you are building otherwise. Trust your reader to get that this is a nasty, nasty demon, and don't feel you have to describe every fetid detail.
Keep up the writing, and do some careful editing, and this could easily be a piece worth hanging on to.
Well done. I didn't expect the twists the story took, and read raptly to the end (always a good sign). There were a few technical points I'd make:
The words Honey and Silly should not be capitalized when they are used affectionately the way they are, and it is somewhat distracting.
This would be a tough thing to change, but I find the present tense in this piece somewhat intrusive. As much as some people like to use present tense to add immediacy, it sometimes makes reading the piece harder. I think I'd prefer past tense in this writing.
This is merely a vague opinion, but when you say It's okay, Bri. I know you're the sensitive one it rings a little false. If a person on the outside is describing two twins, he or she might say one is the sensitive one, but if a sister is talking to her twin sister, wouldn't she be more likely to say It's okay, Bri. I know you're sensitive?
I thought imagining how devastated he and Brittany will be when they find out I'm dead seemed a little awkward. Wouldn't she be more likely to wish she could hold them once more or see them once more or something less "third person"?
Those issues aside, I do like the story quite a bit, and think with a bit more work, it could be really something. Keep on writing!
I read the story through, or actually only about two thirds of the way through. I take the process of reviewing very seriously, and try to give constructive criticism and suggestions, but I am having a hard time knowing exactly how to proceed.
Your story is interesting in parts, and show some promise in plot, but the writing seems inappropriate to the age group being described. In other words, if you were writing about a fifth grade class, the line Steve's last name was Bach, which was kind of funny. Supposedly he wasn't related to the famous Bach, Johann Sebastian, from a billion years ago. would fit in fine, but it sounds completely wrong about the age students you are describing. There are also way too many parts that are just bland:
He was right. The sight of blood bothered me. I couldn't even stand it to watch slasher movies on TV with Steve and Jenna over summer break when my parents were at work. My sister Penny was supposed to be watching us, but she was usually off somewhere doing something else.
There is a lot that could be done with this, but mostly it should just be rewritten. My sister Penny was supposed to be watching us, but she was usually off somewhere doing something else? I'm sorry, but that is pretty weak.
I think you need to back up and write something shorter, and practice adding zing to your sentences. Don't lose heart, and keep on writing, but practice it more as a craft and less as an exercise. We'll be here cheering for you. I am sending along some gift points to encourage your efforts.
Great start! Your characterization of Ellen was very real and believable. The characterization of Dave seems less consistent, but I can't tell whether that is intentional. It seems odd to start with a slump replaced the broadness of his shoulders and ennui had dulled his spirit, which gives one very clear image of a person, and then later have "Can't someone just be content? Can't someone just be happy with their life?" he responded patiently, with a hint of a smile in his voice. A hint of a smile doesn't seem to go with ennui or the rest of the early description. It is almot as if you were going in one direction with his character and then switch to another.
I'll be interested to see where you go with this. There seems a lot of promise in the story line, and you write well. Keep on writing, and let me know when it is done. I've rated it a bit lower to give room to go up when it is complete.
Great story telling. Your writing made it a pleasure to read about an experience that doesn't sound like a pleasure at all. My favorite line was near the beginning, where you wrote But my biggest worry was how Jeremy was going to get my body back down the mountain after I died.
I did notice what seems to be a mistake, where you say "You guys made it through okay?" he asked surprisingly. and I think the word should be surprised.
Great sense of humor, great story telling, totally idiotic decision making about going on with twisted ankle and other injuries. What a combination.
The writing is very good, and I particularly liked the characterization. The dialogue, which can be a real challenge, is well written and believable. The only problem I have, and I am not sure what you could do about it, is that it was a bit too easy to predict the end. I am not sure how much of an issue that is, but I wonder of it would be possible to throw in a red herring or something to lead people astray.
This was both powerful and a little confusing. My difficulty may be partly that if a 45 year old male who has trouble getting into the perspective, but it seems just a bit too vague to quite get it. I want to understand just a bit more, and need a few more clues to really understand the woman's meditation. I think I understand, but... I'm just not sure.
Keep on writing, and editing, as I think you have something powerful here, but it needs just a bit more.
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