 Note: As a reviewer, I only offer my opinion, hoping you will find it useful: you decide what to keep or throw away! 
We get a lot more background information on the character in this chapter, and the budding relationship between the two main characters makes good progress. Once again, we have some major issues with telling instead of showing, particularly in regards to Christina's background and teaching. It's a lot of information just thrown at the reader, not really woven into the story. You might hear people call that an 'infodump', which tells you how common it is - they've got a name for it!  It's hard to get the balance right, but there's definitely too much information being given to the reader in one big chunk, instead of little snippets here and there. As well as holding your reader at a distance, it slows the pace of a story quite dramatically. If you can keep the reader in the 'present' for 90% of the story, and show instead of tell, they'll start to care for your character and cheer her on.
I'll point out any errors or other suggestions for improvement below, but it's not a matter of fixing a few words. You need to take out everything that's not happening NOW and just weave bits of it back in as the story goes along. And the NOW story needs to be shown instead of told. If you want to write about some of her students, you need to take the reader into the classroom and show us her interaction with her students, instead of just telling us about them. I know, I'm repeating myself a little, but it's the most important feedback I can give you as a reader/reviewer. I'm not saying that the plot isn't good or isn't worth telling - I'm just trying to help you tell the story in a way that will win your reader over.
I like the idea of including the emails, but suggest the ones that say 'You've received a new message' aren't necessary. Show the reader the messages Christina sends, and the ones she gets in reply, but the automated messages showing that she's received a response don't need to be written out in full. I've always loved the inclusion of letters and notes in books, especially when they're copied (not typed in as part of the story) or even placed in envelopes for the reader to take out. So keep the personal emails, just not the automated ones.
 "Inacreditável!" she though and this is what she read:
You're missing the t on the end of 'thought'. Also, it would probably be helpful to have some way of letting the reader know what that meant, although we can assume it means 'incredible' or similar.
You could probably get away without 'this is what she read' and just put the email afterwards - we can deduce that she's reading it too.
Somehow, she had slept 9 hours non-stop. Like as if she was free.
This doesn't tie in with the first sentence which tells us that she woke up earlier than normal. You could remove this sentence altogether and just extend the first one to say 'Christina woke up earlier than usual, refreshed from a surprisingly restful night's sleep, and went straight to her computer to check for new messages.' Something like that.
Also, she wanted to keep this treasure, this feeling of success, this h-o-p-e thing to linger on during the day, until she returned home later that night.
That line gets her enthusiasm and excitement across to the reader. Good work!
She was a free spirit and had always been one maybe because she was a GEMINI.
She never believed in astrology, though.
Those two sentences contradict themselves. Either she believes in astrology and thinks that being a Gemini (which doesn't need to be all in capitals) has something to do with it, or she doesn't believe and it doesn't need to be mentioned.
As a Wicca she was a lonely, solitary and good "witch" but she honestly hated cats, especially black cats.
This idea of Christina being lonely and solitary doesn't seem to fit with the idea of an 'outgoing' person who 'loves to help and make a difference in other people's lives'. How can such an energetic and enthusiastic person be described as lonely and solitary? Perhaps you need to explain this to your reader, or show us what you mean.
She was a dog lover (and a canary lover, a small, green and yellow turtle lover, a Beta fish lover, an orchid lover and she respected little spiders very much).
The spider comment made me laugh, but a list like this could be delivered in quite a different way. Let us see the turtle, the fish and the orchids in her apartment as the story goes. Perhaps she talks to the turtle or the fish?
She knew that traffic would be terrible at this time in Brasilia but she would listen to Dire Straits and probably arrive home earlier.
I'm confused. Why would she arrive home earlier because she listened to Dire Straits? Or is she arriving home early because she has no afternoon class? If that's the case, it doesn't need mentioning, we can deduce that ourselves. I do like the detail of the music though, which could be a great addition when showing and taking the reader from the lesson back to the apartment.
When she got home, she took a long bath and had some wine, checked her mail - mostly bills, and appreciated the silence and sweetness of her apartment.
As a reader, I want to know why she delayed reading her email. What was her motivation behind having a bath first? Tell me. This is a great opportunity for a scene with lots of showing (not rude showing, but letting us see the candles (or smell that cinnamon scented one you mention later!), luxuriate in the hot water, hear her explaining to her turtle why she's putting off reading the email).
She had bought it with her own money, money given to her by her Dad and that she had invested so wisely, not her Brazilian diplomat Dad but her American Dad that died because of the 9/11.
You can't just casually mention something like that and then carry on with the story. This is the first we've heard about her dad, but you mention it like we should know she has two dads. That's actually pretty unusual, and if you're going to let us know it, then it needs additional explanation. HOWEVER, this chapter is already way too heavy on the explanation which is overpowering the action, so I'd suggest this information isn't necessary. We don't need to know where the money to buy the apartment has come from. Most readers will assume she earned it. Is it important that we know otherwise?
She checked her e-mail and then she carefully read about that charming man's profile:
I'm sure he is charming, but neither Christina nor the reader know that at this point. If anything, he's probably mysterious right now!
My only comment about the profile list is that a) you need to explain those readers who have never used a dating site what is meant by an 89% match, and b) put your comment about Christina's thoughts on sailing seperately.
For instance 'Christina reviewed the list and liked what she saw. Except for the sailing, she hated sailing and threw up easily when onboard a boat of any description. Maybe that was why the site said it was an 89% match. They had most things in common, but a few differences. If they liked everything the same, presumably the site would have rated them as 100% match. Hmm, would it be a good thing to like all the same things and have no differences? Christina mused over the idea as she reviewed her own profile, refreshing her memory of what he would have read about her.'
You probably don't need to list Christina's profile in full. Some of those things we already know about her, and others we should learn through the 'showing' that needs to be done. I think the questions she asks herself afterwards are far more telling and more interesting to the reader.
The musing needs to be worded so that instead of Christina TELLING the reader what she thinks, we hear her thoughts. Would Christina think 'On her way to the USA, last year, she had seen an article in a plane magazine: "Fall in Love Again! Join eheart.com." It was a relationship site.'? Or would Christina think 'It had been a risk, signing up for that relationship site she'd seen advertised in that magazine...' Christina knows she saw the article on the plane, she would hardly 'tell' herself that. You're telling the reader, but we need to either learn it from Christina's thoughts or speech, or see it in her actions or her vision.
And so she answered his questions with all her heart and soul. After a week of messages and after he called her in Brazil she was head over heels in love with him! In love with a man she had never touched or seen; not even imagined existed before. It wasn't a blind date or a lunch/dinner date; it was just a fantastic-pure-deep-cyberspace-interactive-self-directed-alternative-modern way-Internet love.com relationship!
You need samples of their emails after that sentence 'And so she answered his questions with all her heart and soul.' Show us her emails to him. Show us his replies. Show us them falling in love. Because without any proof whatsoever, we go from panic, confusion, worry and determination to 'head over heels in love' and your reader simply won't believe that. Take us along on that ride. Share those emails. Share Christina's growing emotions with us. Include us in a conversation with a trusted friend or family member as she giggles over something he wrote or she panics over what he'll think of her reply. Make us want to know how he responds. Have her lie in bed, trying to sleep but unable to because her mind keeps replaying what he wrote. I would have expected this part (the part between her reply and her being in love) to be the main focus of the book/story. THIS is the romance, the falling in love. Share it with us.
I hope this feedback helps you. I think this could be a great modern romance and I sincerely hope I don't put you off sharing this story with everyone, I only want to help you tell it in the best way possible.
 ~ Elle
 WRITE ON!
** Image ID #1918914 Unavailable **
|
. See my reviews below for examples.
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
, if we need to disappear for any reason, we are not questioned, we are not penalised, and we are welcomed back with open arms.
