Creative and touching. I'm sorry for the loss this is in regards to, especially if it was of a personal nature.
In your first sentence I'd consider switching out the comma for a semi-colon. I'd probably eliminate the "to" before "try not to cry" in the second sentence.
I like the turn of phrase used when you wrote "smile her back". Nicely done.
Thank you for sharing this item, and good luck in the contest you entered this in.
Well, this is cute...it's short and simple, and it could open doors for all kinds of ideas. Is he a troublemaker? Is he industrious? Mischievous? Or just curious and clumsy? Maybe this isn't about a boy, but a dog or cat? The potential is limitless.
Just a thought..."a sleep" is one word: "asleep". I'd probably throw some periods or commas in there too, to show where your sentences/thoughts truly end and where new ones begin.
Thank you for sharing this...it's amazing sometimes how you can see so much in six lines.
A sad and touching piece. It's hard being critical of something so personal like this, because I know it's not an easy thing to go through.
That said, where are the periods? I usually think that punctuation, if used at all, should be consistent, and not every line is also the end of a sentence.
Also, your last six lines are a bit repetitive in driving home the "Iowa cornfield green" points, but perhaps that's part of this item's charm in homage to your mother and how you've chosen to remember her most. I think most of us can relate to different family members and how we remember them by things they always seemed to say.
Interesting take on the subject. I'm slightly curious on how you researched this topic...do you have sources or is this just a general observation? I only ask because I suffer from anxiety and occasional panic attacks and have only begun treatment for them within the past year.
From strictly a writing standpoint, I think "a head" in the second paragraph should probably be "ahead". Also, your last sentence in the first paragraph is a bit of a run-on. Other than that, this sounds like a well-informed (or at least well-intentioned) article.
Cool piece. I like that this sort of has a "commentary" feel to it, and not in an arrogant way. One line that sticks out for editing purposes is "He’s cutting through the air, his gravity’s hitting zero."...I would either make it two sentences by replacing the comma with a period, or use a semi-colon instead, or stick a word in there after the comma and before "his". The last two lines need some kind of punctuation too. Besides that, I enjoyed reading this.
Hi...I'm just doing some random reviews and came across this item. A couple things grabbed me about this...
In items like this that aren't very long, duplicating words a few lines apart was something I was always taught not to do. For example, "escape" and "cry".
I like that you punctuated throughout, but I think (just my opinion) there are too many commas in spots that don't need them. If you read it out loud you can kind of get a really good idea where good breaks are in lines, and what works/doesn't work as far as sentence structuring (and if you're not concerned about sentence structuring, I suggest skipping punctuations and capital letters altogether).
These are just suggestions...I was drawn to this item because I can kind of relate to some of the emotional places described in this poem.
All valid questions, certainly. I'll attempt to answer them:
1) Yes, but sometimes it happens at the expense of other emotions too.
2) Yes, but it takes a long, long, long time.
3) No. Think of an item that's fragile and comes in elaborate packaging to protect it from breaking. Take it out of the packaging, and then try to put it back in so it looks like it was never opened. You might get 'em close, but entirely exactly back to where they once were.
4) I think that's, like, physics or psychology or some kind of science question or something. I'm not good at those questions. So, ummm, the answer is "It doesn't work like that".
Though I'm no expert at all on this subject, it does interest me. This item is very well-researched and written. The only flaw I note, and it's more of a personal thing than anything, is the font used in relation to the size of the lettering. The combination of the two makes this difficult to read at times, but admittedly I also need my eyes examined. Other than that, this is a fine piece of work. Good luck!
Interesting essay and point of view. I know this is categorized as an essay, but the use of spacing and formatting makes this read almost like a poem, which isn't a bad thing.
By definition, the teenage years do start at age 13 (it being the first number ending in "-teen". And I don't really find any fault in how you've summed up what it's like and what teenagers go through. Some of the sentences could use a little work, like "Because of you don't care to the people, who surround you, you tend to hurt them." and "In terms of problems, teenager use to big deal with it." I can't entirely make out where the typos might be without changing what I perceive the meanings to be.
But overall, this is an informative and inspired work. It really sheds light on the difference between stereotypical teenagers and the attitudes of most teenagers that we don't often see. Thanks for posting this!
I like the overall theme and feeling of this item. I just have a few suggestions...
In the second stanza you mention "No heartbeats drum beside me" and in the third you again use heartbeats symbolically by referring to your own...in an item this size I'm not sure if I would repeat the same word like that in consecutive stanzas. Also, I believe "boney" can also be spelled "bony", although neither seems to trip up the spell-checker.
My favorite line has to be "An abyss of apathy" Overall, great work.
Fascinating. I really appreciated how this item kept me sucked into a story I really didn't understand. I think if I had any qualms about this item, it'd be the need to use spacing after every line. But that's the traditionalist in me, I guess. Outside of that, great work!
Oh. Wow. I've never seen such a vehement argument against chocolate before....and nothing so persuasive! I'll admit that I'm a Reese's (Hershey) fan, right off the bat. I'm not passing any judgment on you at all. I like my candy and there are definitive reasons here not to. I'm good with that and how it's presented.
I like where this is going, but I need more. Maybe some background in the description as to what prompted you to write this. But I do like this item...you send a message saying "Why? Why are you important?" and back it up with an "I'll figure you out" pose, only to question your own space in comparison. I think you have it in you to continue this, maybe into something more. I feel like I've written the same item when I've read this over and over. Not that that's a bad thing. Or a good thing, I guess. But I hear this in my head..."Invalid Item" . But I smile a little more cynically when reading yours than I do mine.
I absolutely love this, mostly for the visuals and the experience that we should be sharing in 2013...youth was filled with ideas that we'd be wearing jetpacks and piloting flying cars by now. Shoes becoming butterflies just makes it all the more beautiful.
I just take a tiny issue with grammar...the sentence that starts with "They stop"...there should be an "and" or something in there. It's not complete. And the separation between "A thought strikes..." and the next sentence should probably be a semicolon and not a comma.
But I adore this item! Clever, thoughtful, and awesome. The nonchalant ending is great!
Excellently spun story! It almost has the feel of an Irish sing-along or something along those lines...I can kind of hear an acoustic guitar or another stringed instrument being plucked while someone recites the story of this day. This piece has a nice flow to it an the lines keep the reader interested in what's going to happen next. A fine read!
Wow, what a thrilling tale! The dialogue was excellent...setting up the scene and gripping the reader.
The one thing that really threw me off visually was the double-spacing between each sentence. I don't personally think it's necessary.
Other than that, what an ending! Because we don't know the age of these kids, I think the reader might get the opinion first that they're young teenagers-innocent, and almost like children...the slight twist at the end shows that at least one is old enough to have the capacity for murder. This is an excellent piece; too bad it missed the deadline for the contest you wanted to enter it in. I'd keep an eye out for a similar contest this year as we get closer to Halloween and enter it again.
Hi Snow...just doing some Random Reviews again. Always nice to come across your poems. I did notice a couple of things...the double "a" in the description, and the lines the traffic signals go out/you're stuck in rush hour traffic could probably be separated by a comma. Other than that, it's another lovely piece written in your unique voice. I enjoyed the little factoid in the end as well. Write on!
Hello...I came across this while doing Random Reviews. With Halloween approaching, I'm sure more people will be intrigued by this story. I noticed a few things that could use some editing; I hope you don't mind me pointing them out.
The first paragraph...the tense in "finishing" should be "finished"; the way you describe the mother and father by name; "The"; and "cob webs" can be one word.
A few lines of dialogue later, “That didn’t work out. Here, give this to that poor kid.” He said..., the "He" doesn't need to be capitalized.
Along the way there are a few more quotation marks in the wrong places, or an apostrophe in their place.
There are a few other things too, but you probably get the idea. Most of the fixes are easy.
You have an interesting story here. All it really needs is a couple of quick run-throughs and some edits.
You know, I'll have to admit I never really though much about the difference between charisma and tact. I can't agree more that charisma is more external and tact is internal. This is a very well-structured and informative essay, with excellent points and examples laid out for the reader to easily understand. Great work!
An excellent and almost haunting read. It's very well-written, and I like how you fit actual sentences in over the rhyme scheme. The only real question I have is (and maybe it's more of a pet peeve than anything) is it really necessary to capitalize every line, even if it's in the middle of an actual sentence and correct punctuation is in place? I see it often and it tends to throw me off visually (so maybe it's just a personal thing). Content-wise, I think this is a sad but truthful reminder of what living with someone in this condition is like for both the family and the individual. Nice work.
Interesting work. I like the way the sentiment behind the words is woven throughout. A couple sentences within the structure of the poem are a little off (I'd probably use a semi-colon after the very first line instead of a comma, and the last line in the third verse doesn't seem complete, for example), but other than that I enjoyed this item and I hope it did well in the contest you entered it in.
A beautiful and moving read, for sure. I really only have one issue with this item...the second sentence after the opening letter ("I was named after..."). It's written in 1st person, while the rest of the item is in 3rd person. Other than that, this is as flawless an item as I've ever come across.
Oh, and how is Tighe pronounced? I've never heard that name before.
A very well-written and thought-provoking item. I have to admit, I'm a male of short height and average-to-slightly more than an ideal weight (not sure if that matters), and I would have probably thought the same things when looking at the box of teabags...how can anything proclaiming itself to be of better nutritional value (low fat, less sugar, etc.) still be considered "full body"? That never happens!
Ever since I really started paying attention to the "Weekly Goals" on my newsfeed, I've felt a little stronger sense of direction when I'm involved in WDC activities, along with a better sense of purpose and fulfillment. I'm glad to see that "Weekly Goals" has finally been made into its own forum! It seems like a natural progression for this activity, and so far it's proven to be successful. I'm looking forward to seeing how I'll approach each week and what challenges I can set up for myself to improve my already-fantastic WDC experience.
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The first paragraph...the tense in "finishing" should be "finished"; the way you describe the mother and father by name; "The"; and "cob webs" can be one word.