Hi,
I like your story, or rather the beginning of your novel. I find the topic interesting,and the way you entwined the coyote tale in your personal life is intriguing.
I did a thorough edit of the chapter which you'll find bellow. Quotes from your story are marked with black bold letters. My suggestions appear in red.
Please regard my comments as mere suggestions.
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"but I had seen the ostracization, some weeks before."
verb – ostracize - does not exist in the form you wrote – ostracization
I couldn't find a replacing word. Perhaps you've just invented a new word...?
“He was alone, and because he was alone he was in danger”
Repeating the words “he was alone” does not emphasize it . I'd rather say: “Being alone meant he was in great danger.”
“I had learned their habits and their range and had managed closer observations.”
The sentence is heavy and complicated (Twice the word THEIR and twice the word AND.
Try: I had learned their habits and range, gaining a closer observation.
“but there was no possible way one could say that I had achieved some acceptance by them either.“
You should write clean and clear sentences. These long complicated sentence are fine in speech, but when you narrate a story, it must be simple, no repetitions and with carefully chosen words as not to beat around the bush. This is a novel you're writing. If you're not careful, you'll end up with a manuscript thicker than the bible. In this sentence, the first part is immaterial. All you need is: “but in no way am I saying that I had achieved some acceptance by them either”.
“There are creeks, a few with water year round, but most are dry most of the time.”
Simplify this sentence: There are creeks, most are dry but some with water year round.
“There are oak and live oak trees.”
I'm not an expert on trees. I had an oak tree in my garden, but what is a “live oak”?
“There are some flat areas that are open pasture, and there are the occasional patches of mesquite trees.”
The previous sentence started with “There are”. In this sentence you wrote it twice. A reader gets tired easily with repetitions. Try joining the two sentences, as follows:
There are oak and live oak trees and some flat areas that are open pasture with occasional patches of mesquite trees.”
I like the way you've woven your personal circumstance into the coyote account. I always believed that humans are no different from the beasts...
The description of your estate is basically good, except for some long sentences which manifest the same idea - the land was vast and isolated. See if you can summarize them all and make it shorter.
“I retired here at 40 years of age, because I had saved enough money, and was modestly fortunate in some investments, and because I inherited enough money with the land that combined with what I had, I could retire and live off of the small pension; and because I was sick deep in my bones with dealing with death and it’s crew.“
Again, long sentences. I would re-write:
I retired to my ranch after saving some money and investing it successfully. Some more came with my inheritance and enabled me at the age of 40 to retire and live off my small pension. Other than this, I was sick to my bones with dealing with death and its crew.
The description of your work with the police is extremely well written.
"with a few short incursions into the edge of the swamp from time to time, scary little trips that send the visitor scurrying"
When you find yourself with a very long sentence which is separated by several commas, use a semi-colon when the two parts can stand on their own. Like in this sentence: Put a semi-colon after the words "from time to time".
"But there are some who live deep in that swamp and even some who never come out of that swamp at all."
No need to use the word "swamp" twice in this sentence. Try: But there are some who live deep in that swamp and even some who never came out of it at all.
"I put in specific work out stations..." Please hyphenate "work-out".
"Finding the coyotes an interesting diversion I had become a consistent watcher." Grammar and punctuation. Should read:Finding the coyote was an interesting diversion. I had become a consistent watcher
"The lone coyote had trailed behind the pack for several days...."
In this paragraph, you used the word "several" twice. Try to replace one of them.
I was waiting to see whether you're going to name the coyote. I thought it was coming... and it did. Great choice for a name!
"He was trying to survive, and he was hunting in..." - Omit the word HE.
"where I spent most of my time that was spent in the house." Repetition. Try: where I spent most of my time indoors"
"I mostly use two rooms in the old ranch house, the bedroom and the kitchen..."
Use colon after the word HOUSE. It will do wonders for this long sentence.
"...log beams overlaid with rough hewn cedar planks, over the decades the floor had been..." Put a period after the word PLANKS and start a new sentence.
"A great deal of labor and thought had gone into its construction, and it was built by a craftsman of the oldest school."
After the word CONSTRUCTION, please try:having been built by an craftsman of the old school.
"relatively decent temperature even in the summer, even without air-conditioning." Erase the second EVEN. It's not needed after the comma.
"Electricity was a relative newcomer" - The word RELATIVE appears in the previous sentence. No need for it here.
"this is the only place I wanted to be." - You want to be A PLACE??? Or that was the only place you wanted to be IN?
"Once Frank was seated with a cup of coffee at the kitchen table" Not necessary to mention the kitchen table. Where else would one sit in a kitchen with a friend and cups of coffee? Avoid cluttering with unnecessary details. They tend to clog the story.
Keep writing this novel. If you don't turn it to yet another police story, I'm sure you'll do well. (Psychological thriller - man Vs. beast?)
Best of luck,
Hanna
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