The Latest Man in the World

              Of all the people  I've known in my life, no one was as late as Hal.  By late, I mean he couldn't be on time if his life depended on it.  People who knew Hal got so used to him being late they too became late.  It was contagious.  Even as a child he was always late to school and after a year of pink tardy slips his teacher just gave up.  To Hal, it was a way of life.  He actually thought it was normal and everybody else was too early. 

    However,  Hal was a good worker... he just couldn't get to work on time.  He would get up early, eat a leisurely breakfast, then jog to the bus stop at the end of the block.  After that he wouldn't arrive to work on time.  He would shuffle in fifteen minutes late with the flimsiest excuses.  The sheer variety and cleverness was amazing.  You could write a book on his imaginative excuses.  Few of the excuses were repeats though once in a while he would slip up but he was never embarrassed about it.  His coworkers often joked about his more interesting  excuses.  Sometimes the office would have a lottery on his most original excuses.  ( once I won $23)  At lunchtime, if Hal wasn't around they would laugh about his latest story.  One of  their favorites was:  "A man choked on a bagel and I had to apply the Heimlich Maneuver"  Another was:  "The bus driver had a heart attack."  Or:  "The bus ran out of gas."    The last one, his coworkers didn't have the heart to tell him the buses in town were all electric trolleys.

    When his first child was born he didn't even get to experience the birth.  Delivering his wife to the hospital on time, he parked his car behind the hospital but when he locked the car his coat caught in the door.  As his keys dropped he couldn't reach them and it took almost twenty minutes to get out of the embarrassing situation.  Of course, when he finally reached the delivery room, he was too late.  His first child had already been delivered.

    Actually,  he himself was late in being born.  The doctor was sure his birth was within a day or two, but alas, Hal was born five days late.  His poor mother was in great discomfort but she loved him.

    Once in a while he would make a mistake.  One day  his watch was fast and he actually got to work on time.  When he saw the surprised look on everyone's face he knew something was wrong.  Then, as his boss came into the room, shocked to see Hal was on time, he promptly had a heart attack.  When the boss recovered a week later he called Hal  into his office and told him, "Don't you ever do that again."  As Hal grew older he honed his skills on being late to a fine degree.  After arriving late with you, he would make you think you were  just too early.  Many people ended up apologizing to Hal for being late.

        Hal was a good man.  It's just that to him, the word 'punctual' was a dirty word..  His favorite saying was, "better late than never".  Then one day, Hal passed away.  He was late catching  the bus and running across the street another bus flattened him.

    Everyone loved him and they were going to miss him always being late.  At the funeral the minister gave an eulogy and he mentioned some of Hal's habits.  When he said " sometimes Hal was late"  the congregation snickered.  The minister spoke so long about Hal, even the funeral procession ran late. 

    Finally, they all joined the procession, but on the way to the cemetery, the hearse  ran out of gas.  Going ahead, his friends waited at the burial site, murmuring, "where is Hal?"  Then a man in a black suit ran up to the minister whispering,  "We ran out of gas and Hal will be a little bit late."