Hello Prof Moriarty , my name is Just an Ordinary Boo! and I am part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" [E]. The review is made in a spirit of friendliness, please accept it as such.
This review is made as a gesture of friendship and community, please accept it as such.
The Title: 'Two Wise Women', it has a ring of the familiar, perhaps from the association with 'Three Wise Men'? It gains immediate attention by such an association, even a pleasurable anticipation of a good read. The addition of an incongruity or dissimilar object often takes it one level further. The grouping of three things in a title is also popular, so I might have gone for 'Two Wise Women and One Lucky Man'. Not that this was not a good title, I am only mentioning some of the thoughts in my mind when I search for a good title to cap my tales.
The Beginning: You do it all, introduce the main characters, give us a bit of setting, some emotional background - yet it falls short of being riveting enough to 'hook' the reader-fish and make him/her want to be reeled within your write. I think that might be because there was a lot of 'telling' in there. For example:
"Sid smiled at Linda when she entered his study, holding a mug." Try and give us a peep into that study, let us see Sid's pleasure for ourselves. Maybe something like: Linda pushed open the door to Sid's study with one practised foot, being careful with the steaming coffe mug in her hand. She saw her husband scrunched up against his workstation, his customary after-dinner relaxation was juggling figures and equations to finetune his project. It might have been the aroma of coffee, his head swivelled to take in his still-svelte wife of twenty years. A welcoming smile drove away the frown lines that had gathered on his forehead. Does that make a picture that takes the reader within the tale? You be the judge.
Or take this bit of dialogue between husband and wife: “Don’t you think I know my hubby long enough to sense it when he is tensed?” she asked, running her slender fingers through his thick hair, graying at the temples. We fail to get an idea of where she is when she does this. A moment ago she was perching on the edge of the desk, does she lean forward? Does she get up and stand beside him? The banter could be emphasised too, with a comment like: 'Haven't you learned by now that you can't keep secrets from me?' Or even 'Maybe not to everybody, but you're an open book to me.'
The Setting: The setting has two parts, to be effective the contrast should be emphasised. The rural setting in India, perhaps new even to many urban compatriots, it needs to be shown through the eyes of the teenaged Beth. Don't just say she was engrossed by the sights, show them to us. Was it the dusty bumpy roads with ruts worn into them by the passage of of many carts? Was it the indifferent cows which lay sprawled all over the place, they did not pause in their cud-chewing for one moment, I have seen this all before, their bucolic faces proclaimed. Whatever it was - show us the same sights.
The Characters: What made the women wise, how were they able to see what Sid was reluctant to even acknowledge? It was more his world than theirs - was it proximity or mulishness than led to this lacuna?
The Descriptions: The same lack, not that there is no description, only that it is of the type that does not create a vivid enough image to allow the reader to participate in the story. For e.g.: "He caught her staring at a crowded bus which had just stopped beside them at a signal.
" Why was she staring? Describe the crowds that spill out of the bus, leaning from windows, squeezes three abreast into the one-man aisle, clinging to both doors until the it seems the bus is tilted so far to one side it will tip over at the next curve. Talk of the smell of exhaust fumes that belch furiously from the rear, like angry bumblebees that have been disturbed. Tell us of the thin stream of betelnut juice that is accurately squirted at the base of a lamp-post, the rust stains at its base providing mute testimony of widespread habit. Don't tell us, show us.
The Dialogue: I found it to be a bit stilted. Just think it over and gauge whether people around you talk the same way. Do not translate from the local language to English, these are English speaking people, after all.
The Story as a Whole: Sid returns to India as a successful man after a twenty year absence, invited to inaugurate a new school. reconciliations take place and seem to wipe away decades of bitterness. The village touches progress via the acumen of the returned son.
Some parts are too simplistic. If the older generation refuses to accept Sid, was that reason enough for him to return to America? How hard did he try to convince them? If he had not had the money to back his studies abroad, at MIT - no less, what use was his gold medal at Calcutta University? I don't think the intro struck the nail on the head, perhaps he is allowed to realise his dream, but he never ventured out to do so.
What I liked: I like stories that try to make one world available to readers from another. These days, even urban India has forgotten its rural counterparts. To give back is laudable, the message was good. It could have been stronger, but it was nonetheless laudable.
Suggestions: I offer only a few examples, line-by-line comments are ebst made by editors or proof readers. Remember these are made, not from any lofty pinnacle of ability or erudition, but more as a hiccup seen in the smooth enjoyment of a concerned reader -:
"He was the proverbial son returning home " There's a story about a prodigal (but that is not the case here) son returning home, but what proverbial son is this?
"But his heart was overwhelmed with remorse and tears welled up in his eyes." I inserted a word I thought was required in that sentence.
"“Forgive me, son,” said his father, when he got the courage to hug him." When who got the courage to hug whom? If there is no head-hopping, one presumes it was when Sid got the courage to hug his father. Indians do not hug at the drop of a hat, reverting to childhood tradition might be more plausible, then his father could raise him and affirm, 'None of that feet touching, it is time for us to embrace as equals.' Or whatever else you might find natural.
"the only lacunae being the absence of his beloved Linda. " If there was only one,it must be 'lacuna'. Lacunae' implies more than one, being plural.
Any comments are only an individual opinion. Please sip it all, allow what you find sweet to take the edge off what you think is sour.
May your words go on to shine!
Effort brings colour to Life
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