This is a sweet little high school tale; perhaps, getting a little darker than most, but I think that stands in its favour. As you asked mainly for a review centring on grammar, I’ll comment on that first.
I’m afraid there are a lot of grammar errors throughout the piece, mainly typos and mistakes with comma usage. Comma’s are tricky, so I do sympathise with you. Due to the high number of mistakes, I can’t correct them all, but I will correct a few, and hopefully, by looking through your work yourself, you will be able to correct the other similar mistakes.
“Ruby, hello, are you even listening?” Kim, my best friend, was waving her hand in front of my face trying to get my attention.
With my understanding of grammar the speech here should be more than one sentence as otherwise you end up with a spliced sentence which can be tricky to read.
The first comma should be either a question mark or an exclamation mark, depending on whether you want the calling of her name to be questioning or sharp. I, personally, would also replace the second comma with a question mark, but that may just be personal taste. You also need a comma after face, as it is Kim who is trying to get Ruby’s attention, not ruby’s face.
“Ruby? Hello? Are you even listening?” Kim, my best friend, was waving her hand in front of my face, trying to get my attention.
Next bit:
After a while the bell, for once rang when I wanted it to breaking the awkward and embarrassing silence that had fallen between us. Immediately I got up and started to leave when Kim ran over to me her blue eyes shining with worry.
This is a very confusing paragraph due to a large lacking in commas. I’ll try and explain the best I can where I added them and why.
After a while, the bell, for once, rang when I wanted it to, breaking the awkward and embarrassing silence that had fallen between us. Immediately, I got up and started to leave, when Kim ran over to me, her blue eyes shining with worry.
“After a while,” is an introductory clause/phrase (I can’t be sure which, but the rules are the same) and so it needs a comma after it.
“At once” is an interrupter and so needs a comma at the beginning and the end. A comma is need before breaking, as it refers back to the bell.
Immediately is an interrupter( I think) and so needs a comma after it. “I got up and started to leave” is an introductory phrase (I think) so needs a comma after it.
I can’t tell you the rule that puts the comma before “her blues eyes”, but I know it needs one.
The next line needs a full stop between “so bad” and “I am really sorry” otherwise you end up with a spliced sentence. And you don’t need the exclamation mark after “I just do things without thinking.” As it isn’t an exclamation.
“Oh, I didn’t know you had taken that so bad. I am really sorry. I didn’t mean it. I just do things without thinking.” She explained.
I’ll leave it that for the grammar as I’m afraid I don’t have time to do the whole piece. I hope that much helps. My comma usage isn’t perfect either, but it should be pretty decent.
Anyway, other than that, you need to space your paragraphs out more. The text is very blocky which makes it very hard to read. You should tab your new paragraphs or leave a blank line between them, to make them easier to distinguish. For example:
I knew Giles had probably talked to her about just how embarrassed I would be and that she should say sorry before I got annoyed. He was good like that. He and Kim had been going out for a year now but I still remember the surprise I had had when he shyly asked Kim out and then my even greater surprise when she had said yes. Now after a year of experience they know each other really well and Giles knows just the right way to explain to Kim the possible consequences of her actions that she doesn’t usually comprehend until they are upon her. I think that they are just the perfect couple except for one thing… I may have a slight crush on Giles myself which is making me a little edgy being around them together. I found myself walking towards my classroom in B block while reassuring Kim that it was Ok and that I had forgiven her when I come across a person I definitely did not want to see, Charley Starford, the Prissy so and so of the school. She immediately noticed me, looking down her long perfectly shaped nose as if I were some gum stuck on her shoe.
“Hello Ruby, what did you reckon of Jackie’s party the other night?”She asked disdainfully.
Is very hard to read, and is better as:
I knew Giles had probably talked to her about just how embarrassed I would be, and that she should say sorry before I got annoyed. He was good like that.
He and Kim had been going out for a year now, but I still remember the surprise I had had when he shyly asked Kim out, and then my even greater surprise when she had said yes. Now after a year of experience, they know each other really well, and Giles knows just the right way to explain to Kim the possible consequences of her actions that she doesn’t usually comprehend until they are upon her. I think that they are just the perfect couple except for one thing… I may have a slight crush on Giles myself, which is making me a little edgy being around them together.
I found myself walking towards my classroom in B block while reassuring Kim that it was Ok and that I had forgiven her, when I come across a person I definitely did not want to see, Charley Starford, the Prissy so and so of the school. She immediately noticed me, looking down her long, perfectly shaped nose, as if I were some gum stuck on her shoe.
“Hello Ruby, what did you reckon of Jackie’s party the other night?” She asked disdainfully.
Anyway, enough with the grammar, I think.
As for the rest. The mood and tone of a troubled, teenage, high school experience, while not strong, was recognisable enough. The teasing and bulling the main character has to put up with, does quite well in creating an emotional link with the reader, but it could made stronger, as a lot of the details are skipped over leaving it a little bland in places.
The plot of the bullied, unpopular, teenager’s battle while not unusual was presented in a slightly different way due to the friendship breakup which added to the main characters woe. Although, I do wonder at the strength of the anger from her friend, as, to me, having a crush on someone’s boyfriend isn’t an issue, so long as it isn’t acted on.
I would think that any friend who would cut of associations that strongly over such a thing could never have been counted as a friend to begin with. I think it would be more likely, in that situation, that the friend may just gradually drift away rather than explosively rejecting Ruby, and more out of a slowly building sense of jealousy or mistrust. Of course, that is just my view on it.
The ending was sweet and uplifting. But I do feel that some sort of final encounter with the Charley character, who came across quite strongly at the beginning as an antagonist would have given the story a stronger conclusion.
All in all, though, you have made a good start, and while it does need a good edit and a little reworking, the structure is there to build on, and I’m sure if given a little time it will really shine and be a very good piece of writing.
I hope this helps and keep writing. I’m sure you will do very well at it in the future.
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