How did I come across your piece?
I was invited.
How lucky am I?
Thoughts and expectations from the title:
The title seems to mirror the prompt you chose, but I'm not sure it's as attention grabbing or quirky as it could be. If it were on a shelf, would I pick it up to read it? Probably not. I struggle with titles, so I would never suggestion my offerings are any better, but they may spark some alternatives for you:
Perfect.
Honestly!
Honestly perfect.
Striving for Perfection.
Practically Perfect.
The Image of Perfection.
How do I feel about the main protagonist?
I love this little girl SO much. I can so relate to that 'eager to please' side to her personality. As a theme/topic, the story of a little girl crying out to be noticed, praised and recognised is perfect for a story. Even as adults we can recognise that desire for praise and recognition. The unnamed little girl (Pat) talks us through her window of opportunity to delight her parents, and then shares the decision (the lie) she felt compelled to make. I think the situation she is in is great. It is real and it is timeless. It is also simple, easy to relate to and a good one for appealing to parents and the inner-child in all of us. What I'd like 'more of' is the opportunity to really 'walk in her shoes'.
What impact do the secondary characters have?
It is very easy to put the parents in the role of 'bad guys', because we are seeing things from the perspective of this little girl. The little girl's thoughts about them are restricted to how difficult it is to get positive attention and how bad things might be if she gets it wrong. Comments like "That wouldn’t be a pretty sight either" do a great job of conveying a sense of dread and agitation.
As the reader, it is easy to see the connection between the lack of praise given by the parents and the girls sense of being cornered and forced into a lie. If praise and recognition is so hard to come by then it is all the more eagerly sought. The resulting lie, and the feeling of torturous guilt (so obviously at odds with this lovely little character) are more preferable that a bad word from her parents. How could I not feel disgruntled that they had put her in such a position?
So, in summary, for parents that have only small windows of visibility, the subtlety with which they are mentioned is superb, because it gives the reader a clear insight into the little girls motives.
How do I feel about the pace and flow?
Perfect. I wouldn't change a thing.
Thoughts on any conflict and / or resolution:
The idea that this poor little scrap was worrying about that box for so long is a heart melter, and it is a great way of letting the reader see the good, honest heart that really drives this character. I felt very satisfied that as the girl reached adulthood her relations with her parents improved. It would be very easy to look back in anger at all those little things that forced a lie, and to start placing blame. Again, it shows the kind and generous spirit that is able to recognise the struggles and limitations of her parents as they tried their best to raise 6 children. This resolution makes me, as the reader feel content. I like the clarification that the parents weren't the bad guys, they were just doing their best, and sometimes (like all of us) they got it a little wrong.
Thoughts on emotion and imagery:
Please remember, I am an
unpublished writer of
nothing successful. These observations are just my gut-feel as a reader. Please, please, feel free to ignore and/or disagree.
Okay...there are a few lines in here which, after a couple of reads, I wondered whether you could (if you wanted to) tackle a little differently. Particularly if you want to try and make more of an emotional connection with your read. For example:
In one place you address me directly: "you can imagine the pride I felt when..." On a positive, this creates an informal, chatty tone which can create that feeling that the narrator and I are sharing a cup of hot chocolate. The flip-side, for me (maybe not for everyone), is that it reminded me that I'm not involved in the story, but more a non-participating observer. For me, it kind of pushed me away from my growing connection with the little girl and her story. So, it's a style/preference thing.
On a slightly different note, but it relates to the same section of the story: It's not so much about me knowing you felt proud, it's about making me feel how proud you felt, so that later, I feel your panic and need to lie.
I wondered whether it might be worth considering a slightly different tack. Please bear in mind I've completely gone off at a tangent with your storyline, and used a bit of 'artistic license' (my tenses may be also be out-of-whack), but it's just to illustrate the point about feeling what that little girl is/or might be feeling):
"One bright, sunny Saturday morning Mama called me into the kitchen. She never called us into the kitchen, it was her territory. Harry's teasing that I was 'in trouble' only added to me sense of unease. I stood patiently and waited for her to finish her task, and when she spotted me her face turned serious. I tried to resist the urge to twizzle my hair around my finger, a nervous habit that irritated Mama no end. When she asked me to run an errand for her I almost skipped on the spot, but it was important she knew I was trustworthy and responsible. Grown-up girls didn't skip in the kitchen. I listened to her instructions while my cheeks burned hot with absolute delight. This was my opportunity. I was finally going to show Mama just how helpful, and just how perfect I could be..."
***
A couple of other areas where you could try something similar (not necessarily on the same scale) are as follows:
"To my dismay, I found two items, side by side, with very similar names," What does this dismay feel like?
"My ride home was miserable" - How was it miserable. What did this feel like for her?
"the thought of someone or something lugging that stupid box back into my life weighed heavily on me for several months" - What form did this take?
***
Areas where I think you did a smashing job of communicating her feelings are the following little nuances:
"I tingled with excitement" Communicates a sense of apprehension.
"I clutched the list in my hand" Communicates the importance of her task.
"Which one did Mama mean? I stood there, perplexed. I couldn’t buy both of them. What if there weren’t enough money, or what if my mother yelled at me for wasting money? Such a dilemma! My ten-year-old perfect little mind was in a state of panic" Gives a great impression of panic and indecision.
Are there any technical issues I want to query?
This is an odd one, but something about this sentence doesn't quite sit right with me. I can't quite work out what it is.
"I decided at a very young age to be perfect so that my parents would notice and admire me for my wonderful qualities of honesty, respect, responsibility, good behavior, perfect grades, and so forth"
Normally I'd not mention it, but as I know this is for a competition I thought I'd take a stab at trying to explain why I kept stumbling on it.
I wonder whether my niggle is because so much of the story, and this little girls actions and reactions come off the back of these few words. They are kind of the foundation for the story. Yes, I think that's it! Therefore, I wondered if you could make it so that they had a stronger impact? For example:
"I decided at a very young age that I needed to be perfect. Perfection would ensure that my parents noticed me, and once they noticed me, how could they not admire me for such wonderful qualities as honesty, respect..."
I don't know, it's just a thought, so feel free to ignore.
My overall thoughts:
My favourite part of this story is the little girls transition from 'being perfect' to 'maintaining an image of perfection'. I love this subtle change, and the fact that you share how telling lies to maintain that persona never sat easily on your conscience.
This is a captivating tale, all the more poignant because the main character is so easy to adore, and because she grew into such a lovely 'grown-up'. I think you have a lovely, truthful story which will appeal becuase of the simplicity of its messages.
Now, can you do me a favour in return? Can you just let me know I've not put you off ever asking my opinion on something ever again? I write these things and then chew over them!
Once again, thank you so much for sharing your work.
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