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712 Public Reviews Given
729 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I try my best to read everything on Writing.com with great care. My reviews always include a first impression, my feelings about theme and structure and where appropriate, some thoughts about possible revisions.*Mugr*
I'm good at...
I give my best reviews on stories, poems and articles that hold my interest and stir up my emotions.~~ *Smile*
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Erotica and Vampire/Werewolf/Zombie.
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Short Stories, Poems, Articles and Essays. ~~
Least Favorite Item Types
lessons and puzzles. ^^*Mugr*
I will not review...
Will not review anything with a rating over 18; no horror or erotica.^^*Mugr*
Public Reviews
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251
251
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)

This is a Newbie Power Raid Review!



Hello Ardroy H
 
I chose your poem "From the Lookout above Randall's Bay. "  through the read a Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your poem and it is a pleasure to share with you my overall impressions of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions as I read your poem, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 

Overall Impression
 
A well known place has a resonance for the soul that is akin to knowing one's moods and temperament. A change in a weather pattern is immediately noted and recorded as having great significance in one's hope for the future. The stability of a place's dearest associations can be an anchor for the vulnerable psyche, but change is always about and recording the vision and a precious moment in a world in passing, is not only a stabilizer, it is a powerful collection of images that gives the soul an enriched view of life.
 
Interest and Pace
 
I have a fondness for poems about the life in a particular place. The words you have chosen, to bring to life Randall's Bay, are wonderful. I can smell the eucalypts and hear the parrots. I am at home with the white of woolly sheep and the vulnerability of the lamb.
 
I especially liked the moment when the mind is able to close out the present scene, to compare some one particular element (spring/summer), to the wonders of another place and time. Your images and words speak eloquently of the ability of the mind to be transported across time and space to another scene, where everything is remarkably clear and vital to one's current life.
 
Theme
 
The theme of “...a new land of hope and haven”, gives your poem a power that extends beyond the words and images. Because you used specific geographic locations in your poem, I was provoked to research the places you mentioned. If I had not done that, I would not have reset your poem in my mind, back to a time when “Hobart Town” was not yet the modern city I was initially envisioning. With this discovery, my intrigue evolved to realize the greater scope of what you have created. I am old enough now, to blend mysteriously, the historical remembrances of a place with my own reality of its now ever present need to morph into something new. But the soul demands that the new be even more hopeful and safe than past history could ever imagine.
 
Images
 
These are a few of the images that I particularly enjoyed:

“The trees protecting the pastel-painted farm house”,
__________________
“...the sheep are too white and the lambs too fragile.”,
__________________
“across the Channel South Bruny Begins to aestivate in the blue remembered haze. ”
__________________
 
Rhythm and Rhyme
 
The words of your poem, free of rhymes and meter, have a wonderful rhythm to them. I depend on my ear and soul to perceive where a poem's flow of words is taking me, and I was immediately pleased to be so welcomed into your work, with its pastoral feel, and playful ease of forming images for all of my senses. 
 
Edits/Revisions
 
I was not aware of any need for edits or revisions.
 
Summary
 
Is it rare to find a place where souls of different temperaments can dwell together in such harmony that they find new enlightenment in which to flourish, and fresh new songs to sing? I have found these places at times, in different locations of geography and time, but it is rare for a place to maintain such harmony forever. In Hobart Town, there is a moment when everything of true value promises a great future of “hope and haven.” It is easy to believe such vision as one remembers other homelands and other times when all things seemed to work for the good of those who embraced the challenges of “progress” and looked far past the potential “deadening heart of Enlightenment darkness.”
 
I enjoyed your beautiful poem and appreciate the place and time and memories you have created.
 
Write on!
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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252
252
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is a Newbie Power Raid Review!


Hello Charlie ~
 
I chose your story "The Ten Year Drought"  from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your story and it will be a pleasure to share with you my overall impressions of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions as I read your story, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
Jason has found a way to overcome the addiction to alcohol. He puts at the center of his memory and consciousness what alcohol has done to his life. In pleasing his boss, he makes a decision to enter into the periphery of the world that took everything good from his life. For ten years he has been sober, but for ten years he has relived the low points of his life, with no time for new friends, new loves or new interests.
 
Interest and Pace
 
Jason has a problem and it is a problem not uncommon to people trying to recover from addiction. His problem is interesting because it is common to the human experience. Jason wants to stay out of addiction, but in order to do so he must also live an estranged life from the things that once gave him pleasure.
 
The pace of the story works well because of the invisible force living within Jason that is drawing him back into his old world. He wants and needs a more intimate relationship with Michelle, his ever pushing boss, but she is as immersed in his old way of life, as he once was. The question drawing me through the piece is will he succumb to the poison of his old ways.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
Your ability to set up a clear narration is very evident. The writing is professional and structurally sound. It is a good telling of how the addicted human mind and soul work.

What is needed for me, in your story, is a bit less telling and a bit more showing of how Jason returns to the pit he has been trying to avoid. The easiest way I have found to do that is to work the Michelle / Jason dialogue earlier in the story. Since this story has at its core the contrast between the worlds of sobriety and drunkeness, I think it would work well to have Michelle and Jason dialoge as business associates. As they speak the words of casual business association descriptions of Michelle and Jason could be incorporated adding color, sound and feeling to the story. Any details as brought forth by the characters themselves will help to build a greater dynamic tension.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
There were two places that minor edits were needed:

Jason saw Michelle sitting next to Robert at the table to him,... (added the word “ to ”.)
____________________
If you hadn't been involved heavily in that scene, its possibly possible it could have gone unnoticed.
____________________
 
Summary
 
It is a harsh reality of life that those who are in the process of any recovery from addiction are prone to slip back into the world that once consumed them. For Jason it had been a ten year war, with every day a new battle. But sometimes another overwhelming desire enters the picture that makes losing a battle and possibly the war inevitable. Has Jason's ten year war to stay sober been in vain?
 
Thanks for sharing your gift and talents.
 
Write On!

~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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253
253
Review of My Faith  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hello Lisa Noe
 
I chose your poem "My Faith"  from your portfolio to review in honor of the celebration of your One year anniversary on WdC. I enjoyed reading your poem and it is a pleasure to share with you my overall impressions of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions, as I read your poem, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
Every soul who knows their God has a testimony of faith. The words are sanctioned by the heavens as they are raised to the Creator of all things. The beauty of one's heartfelt statement of faith, written with emotion and love, is that a holy monument is created for the benefit of every reader who passes through and whispers the words to themselves. Your gracious words of hope and life have created such a place for the weary heart to come and find sanctuary.
 
Interest and Pace
 
I am encouraged by the words and images that portray a wanderer, with the scars of past battles, filled with faults and shortcomings, being accepted and honored by their Creator.
 
The words tell a tale of a person not just acknowledging God from a far off place, but a person who knows the internal “thunder” of communion with God's Spirit. Only in that place of being filled with the fullness God and His glory can one know true hope and contentment.
 
Theme
 
The theme of “My Faith” is one of my favorites. The theme of having faith in the God of Light, who created all things, speaks to the contrast between the power of God to create the giant things of heaven and earth and the desire of His heart to inhabit the praise and prayers of his people. He is mighty in His triumphant establishment of the heavens, the firmament and the earth, a place of habitation for the crown of his creation, man and woman. But He is also mighty in His love for mankind, and His gentle kindness is ever present to lead the people of His hand into all truth.
 
Images
 
These Are Images that I particularly enjoyed:

“I've been in darkness but now I see the light”,
__________________
“...now I feel your presence like thunder.”,
__________________
“You shined your gracious light on me ”,
__________________
 
Rhythm and Rhyme
 
Your poem has an easy flow to the words and thoughts. The rhymes help to hold my interest and do enhance the theme of the poem.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
My suggested edits and revisions are in the following note box.
 
{dropnote:”Suggestions”}

I think the second and third lines could use a bit of revision for two reasons. In your poem you do use past, present and future tense as your poetic expression requires it, but in the first few lines I think it works best to keep the action in past tense for clarity. When you are “passing through”, my feeling was that this thought in the second line, was tied to the third line, but that is not exactly clear.
 
This is a possible way of revising the two lines:

You allowed me passage through
From perpetual darkness to live in the light
 
These suggested edits are just a thought of how to re-express your original writing for clarity sake. More than recommending a revision, my hope is that my words might inspire you to take another look at what you have created, with an eye to improve on the work that you have done so well thus far. *Smile*


 
Summary
 
There is one who makes a way for all to find joy, peace and contentment. Every testimony of praise for God the Creator is as unique as the one who experiences His closeness and goodness. “My Faith” testifies of God's great and powerful majesty, while honoring Him for His personal loving touch given to you and me, even when we feel less than worthy.
 
I enjoyed your wonderful poem and appreciate your skills and talent.
 
Write on!
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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#1300305 by Maryann

 


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254
254
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello Dilip.N
 
I chose your poem "The Broken Barbie "  through the read a Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your poem and it is a pleasure to share with you my overall impressions of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions as I read your poem, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
When Barbie's purpose goes off course and she becomes a “party girl” it is only a matter of time before she is used up. Her charms are useless or gone and the elements, the character of her that was priceless now is not worth the vacant soul she is left with.
 
The words and images are hard boiled and relentless in drawing the perfect doll now ruined and used up.
 
Interest and Pace
 
Whoever she was, the plastic, perfect replication of her in the form of “Barbie” the dream girl, is a fading memory now as partying and playing the games of seduction have ruined her forever. She is the remains of all that vanity can produce in a woman.
 
The images convey no sorrow for the woman who navigated the fast life with her beauty and charm. Spoiled and grotesque she is not even deserving of pity.
 
Theme
 
Everything in heaven and earth warns against vanity and living one's life at the expense of others. And yet, as long as there are the twisted “Barbie's”, there will always be those perfect dolls to use their looks and charm to thrive in the limelight for a season. Even the most grotesque tragedies that some of these dolls represent seem to serve as no measurable warning to the ones who are next in line to sell their souls.
 
Images
 
Images that were particularly tied tightly to the theme were:

“Gone is the beauty, ruined is the charm...”,
__________________
“Wealth she sought, dreamt of fame,
The more she got, rotten she became.”,
__________________
 
“Her life was in vain, endless series of pain...”,
__________________
 
Rhythm and Rhyme
 
I liked the shift from the long open phrases with each line rhyming to the quickness of the second to last stanza where there were two rhyming phrases in each line. As the images grew more grotesque the quickened pace seemed to fore tell of a dreadful end coming Barbie's way.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
There were few places where clarity could be improved. I think the word “away” would convey a clearer image than the word “astray.” This would make me feel that the Barbie was trashing the one who cared instead of just releasing them from a temporary union.

One confusion I had with the images was whether it was Barbie's mouth that was alluring or was it her face. It feels like it was her face and that is what is responding her unsure future with her mouth locked in a permanent grotesque pose.

The other image that may need a bit more work for clarity sake is “Eyes enchanted and many entangled” while this may refer to the second line “Wishes granted, sufferings planted”. I'm not sure I fully understand the word “entangled” in either context.
 
I think some rewrite in this area may help the meaning and flow.
 
Summary
 
This ode to Barbie is filled with writing that is powerful. The images are scornful and stark. The Barbies of the world know they have the support of those who lust to basque in their special kind of illicit charm. They have grandiose expectations for the sake of their vanity. Never holding back to entice and use. But every party Barbie has a day coming before them when they are cast off, ruined, used up and grotesque. If only they would heed this ominous warning.
 
I appreciate your writing and your perspective.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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#1300305 by Maryann



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255
255
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello anujmathur
 
Thank you for the opportunity to read and reveiw your story "The Write Muse - Chapter I" .  I enjoyed reading your story and it will be a pleasure to share with you my overall impressions of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions as I read the first chapter of your story, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
As a first chapter to a much larger work, this is a great opening. The dialogue is crisp and entertaining and the action and narrative to the back story, quickly bring the reader into the reality of the quirky main character, Vikram.
 
Interest and Pace
 
Ceasar, Vikram and Morphy are great characters that all work together well, as they each have distinct motivations that drive them to do act the way they do. Each character's dialogue or voice is clearly their own. Each character has a unique tone to their voice which keeps my ear hearing smartly and my eyes moving quickly through the story.
 
The bed that becomes Morphy and Vikram's reaction to his first meeting with the alien, is cleverly done and very entertaining.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
It is the dialogue that moves the story along. You do an excellent job of giving each character a unique personality which helps keep the spoken words, reactions and reactive expressions easily separated.
 
You have kept the narrative sparse, and when something within Vikram's new environment has to be described, the descriptions are clear and succinct, pushing the story forward.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
My suggested edits and revisions are in the following note box.
 
{dropnote:”Notes”}
 
”Hi, I'm Vikram. I saw your want ad outside and...”_[Edit: Replaced “your” for “you.”]
____________________
Ceasar heard the loud shriek, followed by the even louder...__[Edit: Added a coma between shriek and followed.]
____________________
His companion floated mistily to the guest room door and waited..._[Edit: Replaced “guest” for “drawing” to match what the door was called earilier in the story.]
____________________
I opened the rear door to a sight that was out of a science fiction movie._[Edit: Added the word “that” between the words“sight”and “was”.]
____________________
My only other suggestion would be to add a bit more description of Vikram. Because he is the main character, I think it would help me to relate to him more if I had a feel for age, ethnicity, dress, physical features etc.
____________________
 
I hope these suggested edits and revisions are a help. *Delight*

 
Summary
 
All Vikram wants to do is write a best selling book about a chef. His approach is at first a bit misguided, but at last he comes up with the perfect plan to make his desire a reality. The twist to Vikram's best laid plans is a wonderful surprise. The interaction of all the character's is well written and highly entertaining.
 
A very enjoyable read. Thanks for the opportunity of reviewing your work.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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#1300305 by Maryann



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256
256
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello dragon
 
I chose your story "Finding the Black Sheep"  from the Read A Newbie Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your story and it will be a pleasure to share with you my overall impressions of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions as I read your story, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
Detectives stories are an extremely enjoyable read for me and I want to encourage you, that yours has a good heart and solid "bones". With that in mind you should consider expanding and polishing your story. I am keen on the two main characters and their ability to interact as real human beings. They are not over drawn and through their dialogue, it is easy to pick up on the subtle nuances that make them enjoyable to “hang out” with.
 
Interest and Pace
 
The fact that George, a strong veteran detective, coming out of public service to become a private investigator, takes on a teenaged apprentice, Alex, is amusing and a great premise. The story has a unique youthful feel right from the beginning that continues as the duo keep their musings succinct while provoking witnesses to tell their story.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
The dialogue and scene set up is well done, keeping a good balance between the detective's actions, thoughts and conversation. Here is a line I particularly enjoyed. “ Oh yes, Mrs. Clara. I have found the thief, and the diamond. But before telling you the truth there is something I must say to you.”. 
 
Edits/Revisions
 
My suggested edits and revisions are in the following note box.
 
{dropnote:”Notes”}
One major revision I would suggest is to put the whole story in the past tense. The first few paragraphs seem to be written from a past perspective. I would encourage you to keep the action in the past throughout the story.
 
The following suggested changes will incorporate the past tense verbs.

Some suggested word choice changes:
 
Both were having a conversation till when a woman...
____________________
George and Alex looked [at] each other confused.
____________________
George and Alex entered their the house.
____________________
Clara quickly says tells the maid to come [back] tomorrow.
____________________
 
Mrs. Clara, do you  doubt suspect somebody, who may have stolen the diamond?
____________________
George and Alex left their the house.
____________________
”Mr. George why did you bring these cops with you and  then also the maid? Did [you] find the thief?
____________________
 
I hope these suggested edits and revisions are a help. *Smile*

 
Summary
 
George and Alex are hired to crack the case of a $2 million jewel theft. George the veteran investigator and Alex his young apprentice, find a way to navigate through the clues to not only find the precious jewel, but to also discover exactly who the Black Sheep is.
 
Very enjoyable read. Thanks for sharing your gift and story telling talent!
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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#1300305 by Maryann

 


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257
257
Review of Dancers Never Die  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello aralls
 
I chose your poem "Dancers Never Die"  the Random Review Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your poem and it is a pleasure to share with you my overall impressions of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions as I read your poem, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
“The world is my stage,” says the dancer, and I step into the world of her future wonder, where what is danced now is a performance for an audience of one. The dancer's future world, is one that most of the community of man understands. For who would they have danced for? Could they? Would they. They are alone now in their own aging bodies, never knowing the hope of having such grace spotlighted on the grand stage. So dreams fade too, for those who thought romance was in the performance. Dreams are realized for those who discover that the romance is in the soul.
 
Interest and Pace
 
The beauty of the words immediately captured my interest and held it. Is there anything more beautiful and artistic than the grace of a gifted and skilled woman in the dance? The charm of the poem is that age has not disheartened the artist. Her world is no longer about the spotlights and orchestras, but rather “the sounds of earth, birds and whispering wind...”
 
Theme
 
The vision and dreams of the one caught up in the dance of life do not die. They find new expression and new venues in which to perform. For the blessed, there are those who still love them for the grace and beauty they will always present, for those with only their “yesteryear” to cling too, they have the comfort of knowing they now dance for sake of their own souls.
 
Images
 
Images that I particularly enjoyed:
“...her body aches, yet her soul is full of artistic desire.”,
____________________
“She grasps for fleeting moments...”
____________________
“...confidently gliding, she spins a story on a blank page.”
____________________
“The world silently in awe as she takes her final pose...”
____________________
 
Rhythm and Rhyme
 
The feel of the poem is graceful and lyrical like the gentle movement in a waltz. Rhyming every line is a poetic style I particularly enjoy reading and the images that are created by the rhyming words enhance beautifully the emotion in the piece.”...the audience cheer / that yesteryear.”, and”...this dancer's new stage / a story on a blank page.” and,”...she takes her final pose / I lay a single rose.” where a few of my favorite rhymes.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
I was not aware of any need for edits and revisions.
 
Summary
 
When the dancer danced in the spotlight, her audience was immeasurable and grand. She performed and the accolades for her artistic beauty were acknowledgments of her skill and grace. But with time, only the soul of the dancer can reach those grand heights, leaving the body to its limitations of aging muscles and joints. But the dance is never done. The ageless dancer can still perform for an audience of one.
 
I appreciate your wonderful poem with its beautiful images and message of hope.
 
Thank you.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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#1300305 by Maryann

 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
258
258
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WDC Addicts Anonymous  
Rated: E | (4.0)

*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*


Hello kdelightful
 
I chose your poem "SEASONS ALWAYS CHANGE"  from your portfolio to review in honor of the celebration of your WdC anniversary. I enjoyed reading your poem and it is a pleasure to share with you my overall impressions of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions as I read your poem, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
The one who has set the seasons in motion sees to it that the heart of men is never stuck without something new. Cycles will come and go and those who are in tune with the Creator's plan can always have hope that He has direction and a purpose for everyone.
 
The beauty in this poem is the reflection one can see of how God is at work always, whether I am ready to embrace the plan he has for me or not.
 
Interest and Pace
 
The title “Seasons Always Change,” is paired with the first line of the poem to draw my interest and concern immediately into the flow of your words and images.
 
I am drawn to the truth that the Father is the author and creator of the seasons and the principle that all of his plans work for the good of those who love him is a definite undercurrent to what you have written.
 
Theme
 
Seasons and the change of seasons is a great universal theme for those who have their trust in God. We begin as children struggling to be free of the rulers that are put over us and as we gain our freedom we may think that we have broken free from all that binds us to others only to discover that God controls everything and often our freedom must be yielded to the season that is lying just ahead.
 
Images
 
I especially enjoyed the images:
 
“...as the seasons always change...”,
 
“...I am holding on to the promises of God.”, “...and like a sparkling jewel...”,
 
Rhythm and Rhyme
 
I enjoyed the sections of free verse followed by a few rhymes
 
“...autumn comes so does the rain /...displeasure and pain.”
 
Edits/Revisions
 
I have made a few remarks in the following link regarding edits and revisions.
 
Suggestions ▼
 
Summary
 
God's love is supreme and the poem "SEASONS ALWAYS CHANGE"  beautifully praises the one who makes the seasons of life perfect for what we, His children need.
 
Beautifully done – Write On!
 
Thank you.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
GROUP
WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E)
Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills!
#1300305 by Maryann

 


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
259
259
Review of The Happy Story  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello 🌕 HuntersMoon
 
Your story was picked for me to review from the Random Review forum of WdC. It will be a pleasure to share with you my overall impression of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions as I read your story, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
The “Happy Story” is the one Oliver wants to hear on his “jammy day,” as earth's winter progresses slowly through April. The hope of spring no longer exists, but scientists are glad that they have successfully reversed the effects of global warming. This alarming tale is compelling in the way a mother, Kaya and her son, Oliver, lift their spirits with hope, comfort and joy even in the midst of a world wide calamity.
 
Interest and Pace
 
The images that open the story are wonderful. I love the feel of a cozy home, braced against the extended winter, the freckled faced boy just getting up from his sleep, even Kaya's reverie has a comforting feel to it. The dialogue and images carry the story forward at a wonderful pace, keeping my curiosity piqued as you reveal the calamity in which this family thrives while waiting for a solution from science.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
The images and dialogue carry the story completely. The plot is simple, but compelling. I especially liked the way “The Story” is used as a vehicle to reminisce about the way earth was. Oliver's ability to embrace the images and find a special view of life from them is especially touching.
 
Your writing is extremely clear and professional. It conveyed a simple message to my soul that while I want to remain ignorant of the science you use in your story, I am stilled charmed into the reality you have created.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
I was not aware of any need for edits or revisions.
 
Summary
 
How big a calamity will it take before humanity stops functioning with love and joy, finding comfort and compassion where ever they can? For me Kaya and Oliver are heroic in the way they face life after the unthinkable has happened on earth. Oliver stretches his mind and imagination to remember the spring he has never known, and I am lifted up by the spirit of the boy who finds wonder in life in “The Story.”
 
Very entertaining and thought provoking!
 
Thank you for sharing your story.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review of FortyNiners  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *CakeP*

 
Hello bubblegrum
 
I chose your story "FortyNiners"  from your portfolio to review in honor of the celebration of your WdC anniversary. I enjoyed reading your story and it will be a pleasure to share with you my overall impressions of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions as I read your story, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
I love the stories of the FortyNiners. One of the first plays I ever wrote was a two act bit for puppet theater. Discovery of gold. It was a flirtation with historical drama that explored the hysteria that brought hundreds of thousands of wild eyed fortune hunters into the pristine wilderness of the Sierra foot hills and the Sacramento valley.
 
The love story of Dan and Amanda, that blossoms out of the mutually shared history of one of the original FortyNiners, is familiar and sweet, but has a unique flavor to it because of the history they share. That haunting past helps them navigate the mystical feelings they have for each other.

Interest and Pace
 
There is a lot of history to cover and Dan conveys what is known of Joshua, Dan's great -grandfather from six generations before, with a vibrant passion and zeal that keeps the narrative flowing at a good pace. His intentional or unintentional flirting with Amanda, helps to elevate the interest in the story as well.
 
The contrast between Simon, Amanda's fiance', and Dan is well done. There is a remarkable arrogance in the Simon character that sets him up for the relationship disaster that is dead ahead. Dan's master plan to undermine the engagement of his new friend Amanda by using historical gems from their mutual family connections is brilliantly inspired. And it does work to fuel more intimate encounters with the woman he now wants with all of his might. This development in the plot is excellent and helps fire more interest in all of your characters.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
As a short story, the characters are well developed. Each has a motivation that becomes clearer as the story goes on. Dan, curious about relations of his distant grandfather, Joshua, is driven to find out more, only to fall deeply in love with Amanda. Amanda is locked into an engagement now because of past hurts and pains. She wants to feel less passion and more safety and security. Simon's engagement to Amanda suits his image of himself. Their marriage has the potential to give him a life partner he can control and manipulate. Sonia, curious about Dan and his influence over her daughter, only wants to keep her safe.
 
The plot blows wide open when all thoughts of safety and security are confronted in a pivotal conversation in which Dan's desire to know Amanda's true feelings about her relationship with Simon over rule all sense of propriety and decorum.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
If you were to consider a rewrite of your story, I have a few suggestions in the following link:
{dropnote:“Suggestions”}
I usually steer away from making too many preferential recommendations but I think these ideas may actually help should you re-write the story.

         1.Dan is from California. It works for him to call Sonia mum, in context with his discussions about her with Amanda. But in the third to the last paragraph it would be more California for him to refer to his “mum” as either mom or mother.
 
         2.Everyone in California thinks its the center of the universe so Dan would probably refer to his home return as California, rather than the “States”.
 
         3.The larger issue in the story for me is how Dan abandons Amanda for several weeks with not a word. I am not a wizard of male/female relationships but in an age when every soul has a telecommunication device of some sort, it just doesn't quite ring true that Amanda would let him get away with that. Even back when I had to dial a telephone, I think the absolute most I could have gotten away with, and that with a Presidential pardon, was three days. My daughter recently dropped a dude after not hearing from him for two days. Disrespect. She moved on and is now engaged to someone else.
 
I know this is a bit nit picking, and I may be speaking from my preferences, so please consider these things as something to think about.

 
Summary
 
Amanda is in a questionable relationship when Dan, the Californian, enters into her life to share what he has discovered about his relative who may have been a part of Amanda's past as well. The story of Joshua's life as a FortNiner draws Amanda and Dan into a passionate love affair. The story is filled with fascinating characters and a narration that opens up the past and makes it all relevant in today's world of quick flings and cast off relationships.
 
Wonderfully done!
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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Review of Sad Country Song  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello Prosperous Snow celebrating
 
I read your poem"Sad Country Song" through the Random Review forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your poem and it is a pleasure to offer you some of my feelings as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and emotions. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my feelings and impressions, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what you have created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
The expression “...my man done me wrong,” is at the bedrock of what makes the country/blues/hillbilly music of America unique and unforgettable.
 
A writer of country music must have at the core of their repertoire' at least some form of this desperation in their blood, or fame and fortune is going to be a long time arriving. "Sad Country Song"  reveals with brutal honesty why the sad songs are needed in our culture. Someone is always doing someone wrong.
 
Images
 
I know the songs well, even wrote a few in my “going country” period in the 1990's. The images of a guitar and a country star are wonderfully familiar and I can hear the twang from the chords and the relaxed nasal passages where the singer's air comes out.
 
The image of a lyric that is laced with the word “heartbreak” as it can only be sung by Dolly, or Lynn or George or Meryl is perfect. And I smirk a little bit because my heartbreak was actually 30 years ago now and now that I'm feeling better, I'm probably just a bit too haughty.
 
Theme
 
I was sitting in a friend's front room -I was eleven years old - when I heard my first “heartbreak” song. It might have been more of pop star Theresa Brewer than a country star, but I remember thinking how sad the world must be. A lot of kids in the room knew the song and I thought that was sad too.
 
But them my neighbor's wife stepped out on her husband that year and he later died in a horrible accident and my best friend (the woman's son) really got messed up over the whole thing and violently disrespected women after that...
 
Sad songs seem prophetically predictive of the behavior of men and women, lovers and friends; at other times it is just reflective of how things turn out. But oddly sad songs can make us feel better if we just sing along sometimes. I remember my platoon in Viet Nam crying out with Kenny: "You picked a fine time to leave me Lucille!"
 
One of my other favorites is “Poor Poor Pitiful Me,” but only as sung by Linda Ronstadt.
 
Rhythm and Rhyme
 
Your poem has a kind of country back beat to it that is consistent with the poem's tone and theme.  
I especially liked the repeated lines, that kept promoting the key thought of the poem, “...write me a heartbreaking song, because my man done me wrong.”
 
Edits/Revisions
 
I was not aware of any need for revision or edits. Perfect.
 
Summary
 
“So write me a sad country song,
That brings tears to my eyes as I sing along.” Is my favorite part of the poem and are the words that bring the whole work together for me. Whatever it is I have lost, five minutes sharing my misery in a song with a famous country star always seems to make me feel better.
 
Thank you for sharing your poetic gift and creative talents.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 

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Review of The Rukjan  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello 256
 
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to review your story "The Rukjan"  which I enjoyed reading. It will be a pleasure to share with you my overall impression of what I read as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotional response and impressions as I read your story, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.{/i}
 
Overall Impression
 
The fate of the human race is sealed as a killing force called the Rukjan come to earth. The Rukjan only kill humans. They are determined to eradicate the universe of the human menace. A brother and sister are running ahead of the killing force in the hopes of finding a place of peace and safety. But the Rukjan is a steady predator, skilled at patiently bringing complete annihilation as they do their work.
 
Interest and Pace
 
The opening of your story puts all the conflicting theories on the table for discussion and for those who enjoy strategy and science, it is a great opening. Your introduction of the protagonist and his sister pick up the pace of the story right at the most key moment, keeping my curiosity of how survival can be achieved stoked to a high level.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
Your ability to keep a minimal amount of characterization and dialogue in your story, enhances the narration. In this story it is heavy with narration, but I think for a good purpose. I am brought in as a fellow researcher to see how the Rukjan can be thwarted. I am not overly invested in your characters, but seriously concerned about the outcome, as though it were an experiment.
 
Your writing is extremely clear and professional. The narration of how the brother and sister spend their leisure while “running” is entertaining and sometimes whimsical. The scene where they encounter the Rukjan is superbly written and the images are still very clear in my mind.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
My only question from my reading was whether the Rukjan were the discovery of Dr. Rukjan and that is why they were given that name? *Smile* A rather small detail, but it was just a loose end as I read through the rest of the story. If this wasn't the case I would suggest changing the doctor's name to eliminate any confusion.
 
Summary
 
How will the human race act when ultimate destruction is headed their way? Will they run? Will they seek comfort centers? The Rukjan force the issue as they come to earth to slaughter all things human. In some ways I am convinced “The Rukjan” is a metaphore for how mankind does work through the issues of their mortality.
 
Very entertaining and thought provoking!
 
Thank you for sharing your story.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
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#1300305 by Maryann



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263
263
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings Lou-Here By His Grace
 
I was introduced to your poem "Immortality is a Beach"  through the Random Review Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your poem and it is a pleasure to offer you some of my feelings as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and emotions. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my feelings and impressions about your poem in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
There is a place in my soul that searches for assurance. In this haunting piece, life and death are summed up in the repeated verse:
“We were all suppose to live forever
That was the promise
That is all I ask for.

 
Interest and Pace
 
There is power in promise, and the issue or theme of having promises kept or not, is a favorite for me. My heart is rendered impotent, and it ceases to beat with a normal rhythm when my expectations are crushed. I am drawn to your words “holds no attraction for me anymore”, “ignoring the sounds of life”, “in the ageless continual sea”. Attraction, life and sea are examples for me, of existence that seem to have an eternal presence with my soul. But as life fades, so do these entities. 
 
Structure and Clarity
 
I love the form of your poem. Especially the repeated refrain that keeps the thoughts moving to the ultimate conclusion, “It reminds me of losing you.”
 
Edits/Revisions
 
I was not aware of any need for revision or edits. Perfect.
 
Summary
 
As the life of those I am one with, slips away from my world. I am left alone on a beach to wonder why the sea persists and life as a concept goes on, but all that is dear to my heart and soul stops breathing. Inside I hear my cries and wonder why.
 
I appreciated your insights and your haunting, touching images.
 
Thank you for sharing your gift.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
101@101513


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264
264
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings Keaton Foster: Know My Hell!
 
I was introduced to your poem "The Better Part of Me"  through the Random Review Forum of WdC. I enjoyed reading your poem and it is a pleasure to offer you some of my feelings as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and emotions. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my feelings and impressions about your poem in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
The gift in the words and images of “The Better Part Of Me” is the intricate lyric that is developed while the beautifully unique weaving of a majestic notion is done with great skill and love. There is within the real man, the world “used up” but his children esteem him and see the world new and potent and ”they will grow to be good, understanding, compassionate souls.” Within this vision is truly something to hope for.
 
Interest and Pace
 
The coming to the realization of God's plan is natural and affirming. I am able to understand because of the point at which God does make everything clear. But having the willingness to be a witness of how the children actually view the metamorphasis, is character revealed. Few men can stand under such scrutiny and live. Your words are harmonious and lead me carefully to the joyful revelations that pop up in the last lines: “Lessons that will be passed on”, “They love me when few ever have,” “In their eyes I see my reflection”
 
Structure and Clarity
 
I enjoyed the build up from small lines to larger and back again. The spread of the lines suggests the expansion of thought that your words demand. I believe the theme to be a complex one, not seen often in verse, or stories for that matter. The blending of the old man, with the new, better life that goes with him through earth, hell and heaven is masterfully drawn together.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
I was aware of only one possible edit. It is in the line after My children will be more; If I am understanding those lines correctly, I believe the next line should read: Than I could have ever wished. Other than that it is perfect.
 
Summary
 
As the life is built to give children a place to esteem those who have walked life out before them and with them, there is an entrance in and through the man for another generation. There is much that they represent, but it is a faith filled hope that declares they will be the better part of who I am. And in this revelation, there is the possibility of knowing God as gift giver, faith giver, the better part of us all.
 
Thank you for sharing your insights and your beautiful images.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
101@101513


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Review of Wrath and Army  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Firyx , 
 
I chose your story "Wrath and Army"  to read from the Read A Newbie Forum of Writing.com. I found myself easily drawn into your story and enjoyed how your 32nd chapter evolved. It was a real pleasure reading your work and I am glad to give you some impressions I had of your story and a short review.
 
My review of your work is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions in the hopes that they may help and encourage. Please take what you think is appropriate for your work and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
The evil Gorga’s primary weapon, the Beast, has been destroyed. Trianna has acquired the Shifter Tooth and its power to draw resources to her. It seems that the 1,000 year rule of Gorga is going to come to an end at last.
 
Interest and Pace
 
I like the natural development of Trianna as a leader. She has a striking presence with the diverse peoples she is going to lead. The introduction of the Shifter Tooth and Trianna’s activation of its power was a most enjoyable read.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
I enjoyed the images of Trianna, the Beast and scenes where Trianna takes charge. Every part of the story flows together naturally and the shift from the speech to the activation of the Tooth is clear and powerful.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
I was not aware of any edits or revisions that would improve your story.
 
Summary
 
Gorga, the Tyrant, is at last cornered and it maybe that at last her evil empire will be defeated. Trianna, the leader of a newly combined forces, certainly now has the power to wage a victorious war against the tyrant.
 
I enjoyed your story. The characters, action and narrative are well blended to make for a very satisfying read.
Thank you and Cheers!
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 


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Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
This is my submission:
 
STATIC
Looking Into God's Assurance  (E)
Romans 8:28 "...know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him,.."
#1964696 by ♫~ Kenword~♫

 
Thanks,
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
267
267
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | (5.0)
Greetings Fairport
 
I picked your poem "In a Whispered Moment"  to read through the Pond Poetry Forum of WdC. Congratulations on having your entry selected for a first place award.
 
I enjoyed reading your poem and it is a pleasure to offer you my some of my feelings as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my emotions and impressions your poem inspired, in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
In a beautiful song, I am offered another view of God the Creator. I am present with the poem, as it brings me to this day in which the elements of the season, blend with the fullness of the sky. The day feels like it is emerging after a time of something dark and perilous, but no more. God has enveloped me and I experience once again the hope that is ever present in His Promise of a new home.
 
Interest and Pace
 
The words 'fall', 'call', and 'squall' are emotional buttons for me. As each line ends, these single words stir feelings that are aged and nurtured. The images are tied to some of my most cherished soul icons. I feel the chill on my skin, that brisk “coolness”; I feel the sound of a lover softly near my ear: and I have dwelt in pitch blackness, a valley, that when no light was present, it was like standing in the deepest darkest cave; it was darkness you could taste, like terror.
 
The images are sharp for me and my heart embraces the words naturally and completely, finding my life in them.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
I love the a b a b rhyming pattern and the rhymes themselves seem natural and pure. I appreciate the variation in the poem's meter. It too seems natural to the ear.
 

Edits/Revisions
 
I was not aware of any need for edits or revisions.
 
Summary
 
The poem, “In A Whispered Moment”, has awakened in me, a celebration of eternity. I appreciate your words that open yet another visitation by the One who speaks to the heart of His creation through a still, small voice.
 
Thank you for sharing your inspiration and vision.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
 
   This review is given in honor of:
 
FORUM
AFaith's Unofficial Account BDay Event  (E)
CLOSED - My UAB R/CE Starts November 1st! Come help me celebrate by showing thanks!
#1955910 by A*Monaing*Faith

 
*Music2**Music1**Music2*
    Come cast a vote for this year’s Mr./Miss Thankfulness!
 
101@101513


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268
268
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello already_gone
 
I picked your story "Lily and the Great Beach Adventure"  to read and review through the Review a Newbie Forum of WdC. I am delighted that you have joined the Writing.com community and welcome you to this supportive and motivating site.
 
I enjoyed reading your story and it is a pleasure to give you my overall experience of my reading as well as a short review of your work.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my feelings and impressions about your story in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
A day at the beach, especially one that involves meeting new friends and having new experiences is a great premise for a children's story. The adventures are enhanced by the creatures that the main character Lily, is introduced to.
 
Interest and Pace
 
I love the ocean side or lake side areas that produce beaches to explore and so I am immediately drawn into the story. I guess that I am a little more intrigued by the mystery of just what kind of creature Lily is, but I am able to set aside this wonder as you write into existence other puzzles such as what it is like to engage intellectually with a sand crab named Dice and what it feels like to have a star fish sucking on one's leg.
 
The story flows well and is actually a fun read as I am immersed in the search for new wonders with Lily.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
I like that the story is told from Lily's point of view. Her interactions with the world around her give a fresh perspective of how to view the externals of life whether they are beaches or newly discovered creatures.
 
I did have to go back to some of your former writing to see if you had defined who Lily is in an earlier part. I was actually surprised that you hadn't. I would say that it was the one area of confusion I had in reading your story. Whether it was by design or omission, it is my personal feeling that it would serve the reader better to define Lily's character more clearly. I have made the wrong assumptions in the past when guessing, so I'll just leave it at that.
 
I will say that I was surprised that after talking to her mother that she is then rolling in the sand. This becomes less of a mystery later when she is wagging her tail.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
I was not aware of any need for edits or revisions other than what was suggested earlier.
 
Summary
 
I enjoyed your story and will definitely take time to read all of the episodes about Lily .
 
This was a fun read. Thank you for sharing your gift and talents.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
 
   This review is given in honor of:
 
FORUM
AFaith's Unofficial Account BDay Event  (E)
CLOSED - My UAB R/CE Starts November 1st! Come help me celebrate by showing thanks!
#1955910 by A*Monaing*Faith

 
*Music2**Music1**Music2*
    Come cast a vote for this year’s Mr./Miss Thankfulness!
 
101@101513

 
_________________________________________________________________________________


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
269
269
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello GroovyStella ,
 
As you requested, I read your story "A Mother's Devotion"  with the goal to give a more in depth review of what you have created.
 
It is always a pleasure reviewing additional work from an author's portfolio. I was glad to once again review one of your stories.
 
As before, my review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I will focus mainly on my feelings and impressions about your story in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate for your work and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
The question is, how far will a mother go, in devotion to her son? Does any mind have the capacity to comprehend where the breaking point is? Especially when it is assaulted and warped by great fears of facing consequences for the evil that it has allowed or provoked . Chris' mom is determined to protect her son, but has she gone too far and left herself no way out?
 
Interest and Pace
 
Chris and his mom, Ann are interesting characters. They are tied together by a bond forged from being abandoned by father/husband and they seem to be the typical abandoned mother, abandoned son in their relationship. I felt the disconnectedness of her, as Chris brings to her his news. Oh hi baby. When did you get home? She asked while turning to look at him. The conversation that follows does a good clear job of bringing to light the awful tragedy that has occurred that night.
 
The story has a good natural flow to it and the revelation of the truth about Chris and his crime is well timed and carefully plotted.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
I felt the plotting to the story was well conceived and while the violence seems extreme in contrast to what we know about the subjects in the story, the premise is clearly laid out and the end of the story connects satisfactorily with the beginning.
 
I would suggest, that there is a need for more clear character motivation. If your story was designed to fit into a specific word count, I can sympathize with the amount of words with which you had to develop Ann's psychosis. If we are on the other side of those restraints now and you would like to further develop your story, I recommend delving deeper into what motivates a mother, who is devoted to her son, to take his life and her own. As a society we are not at all unfamiliar with this form of pathological behavior, but I didn't feel Ann's character was truly to the breaking point in your story.
 
There are a number of mental illnesses that could have been driving her, most of which could have been derivatives of being abandoned by her husband. Chronic depression, paranoia, hearing voices, etc. She could have had a bipolar condition before she was separated. She could have become fixated and obsessed on her son to the point of cutting herself off from all reality. Perhaps she has left medications behind so that she is no longer be numb to her maternal feelings. I'm sad to say I've seen these delusions and am in touch with some of these maladies.
 
With this in mind, the first paragraph of your story would need to portray Ann as a bit more manic and less lucid. Perhaps the conversation in her head is in reaction to a voice that is either urging her to take the next steps to destruction or arguing against how she has planned to end things.
 
I like that Ann seems detached at the beginning of Chris' story. I think this would be important for her to carry on through the entirety of the rest of the story. At various points in the story, when Chris has broken down for instance, she needs to become even more detached from Chris' emotional state and fixated on something irrational that has caused this to happen to her “baby”. This might be his girlfriend Michelle. Ann could even be having conversations with her soul tormentor about how she actually feels about Michelle's current condition. There are the manic that I have known about who have actually predicted the hurt that would come upon the one who has encroached on their obsession. Greater is the satisfaction for them that the intruder has been destroyed than their concern for the suffering of the one who is “loved”.
 
The fact she goes after the bat is a good place to center your investigation of where Ann's motivation lie. And I think this whole scene could be expanded to share with your readers just how far off the deep end she really is.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
There were a few edits that I have suggested in the drop box at the link below. The previous revisions I have suggested are, of course, just my opinion.
 
Recommended Edits ▼
 
Summary
 
I appreciated the quality of writing with which your story was created. The subject of violence, especially that unleashed through uncontrolled rage, is hard to imagine and difficult to write about. I felt for Ann, Michelle and Chris through the full force of your portrayal of them as victims. They have been victimized by physical and mental abuse that arises as an unseen enemy from within man, that once out of control, has hideous and catastrophic potential for destruction.
 
I hope what I have shared will be a help in expanding your story into a fuller portrayal of your central character Ann. I think she has the potential of being a complex study of that element in human nature that has the potential to destroy, even those that they obsessively love.
 
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
 
   This review is given in honor of:
 
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CLOSED - My UAB R/CE Starts November 1st! Come help me celebrate by showing thanks!
#1955910 by A*Monaing*Faith

 
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270
270
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | (3.5)

Welcome~Patrece ~ ,
 
I selected your story "Grammy's Special Lil Man "  to review through the Read a Newbie Forum of WdC.
 
It is my pleasure to welcome you to Writing.com where I believe you will find wonderful support for all of your work.
 
I was interested in reading your story for a number of reasons which I will elaborate on in just a bit. I have selected your work to give my impressions and feelings on because of these reasons and I will add a short, but I hope, helpful review.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions about a story in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate for your work and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
Grammy’s special Lil Man is autistic. In this short piece the two worlds in which an autistic child works and plays and has his being are explored in a touching, emotional and often times transparent way.
 
Interest and Pace
 
My interest in your story, as I mentioned earlier, is because of my niece Virginia’s autistic son. I am mystified by what you have described as being “As if two separate worlds have collided and merged.” This articulates well my experience of my eight year old nephew Aaron perfectly. I am in complete sympathy with you as the care giver, observer, analyst and writer in this situation. The challenges are absolutely overwhelming. Your daughter is very fortunate to have someone as patient and kind as you, to walk through the maturing process with Braxten. Your examples of Braxten’s day are enlightening and well written and reveal your heart and compassion clearly.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
One of the challenges of your piece is how to categorize it. I would suggest that “Grammy’s Special Lil Man” falls more into the category of article, essay or memoir. A story should have a beginning, middle and end with a plot that drives the characters to some resolution of a problem or crisis. I would suggest further that “Grammy’s Special Lil Man" would work perfectly as an article. You have the core theme well developed with your own personal experiences caring for Braxten. All you would need to make this into a helpful article are references to the current world wide statistics/studies of autism, (especially of Braxten’s particular level of non-verbal autism). If you added some quotes from prominent doctors who speak directly to the issues of non-verbal communication, the calming process, the “good day”/”Bad day” syndrome and difficult transitions, your article could be an authorative help for others. I’m not sure how common these issues are for parents of autistic children, but I know that in my niece’s case, these are the issues she has had to learn to deal with and often by way of trial and error.
 
”But, within moments his sheer joy of being here, melts away and is soon replaced by a frustrated, shrill screeching sound, and distress seems to cloud his expression.” This sentence is an excellent example of what I appreciate about what you have written. You are able to write about autism with love and compassion while expressing the pain of being for your “Lil Man” very up close and personal.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
There were two edits and two revisions I have suggested in the drop box through the link below. Besides these, as I recommended earlier, I think it would be worthwhile to develop your piece into a well researched article or essay.
 
Recommended Edits ▼
 
Summary
 
Autism, a developmental disorder characterized by impaired communication, excessive rigidity and emotional detachment, is brought to dramatic life in “Grammy’s Special Lil Man”. The author writes with compassion and heart as she pours out her own emotions about autism, while detailing the challenges and victories she has experienced in caring for her autistic grandson Braxten.
 
I was very engaged in your writing. Thank you for sharing your gifts and talents.
 
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
 
   This review is given in honor of:
 
FORUM
AFaith's Unofficial Account BDay Event  (E)
CLOSED - My UAB R/CE Starts November 1st! Come help me celebrate by showing thanks!
#1955910 by A*Monaing*Faith

 
*Music2**Music1**Music2*
    Come cast a vote for this year’s Mr./Miss Thankfulness!
 
101@101513


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
271
271
Review of Unlikely Friends  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Jessica Lynn ,
I selected your story "Unlikely Friends"  to review through the Read a Newbie Forum of WdC.
 
It is my pleasure to welcome you to Writing.com where I believe you will find wonderful support for all of your work.
 
It was a real pleasure reading your story and I am glad to give you some impressions I have of your piece as well as a short review.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions about a story in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate for your work and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
Samson, a dragon, with all of the ferocity of most of his kind, has one characteristic that sets him apart from all his peers, he just wants to be friends with people. The story of how King Jonathan and his trusted horse and friend Lightning help Samson overcome the reputation of dragons to make friends with the village is sweet and endearing.
 
Interest and Pace
 
To be honest, when I opened your story, I was looking for something fun and light. Thank you. You surpassed my expectations. I am into the third paragraph when I realize the twist that would be coming in your story, but I was already intrigued by the friendship between the King and his horse. The short sentences and easy narration gives the story a rhythmic flow and just the right tone and presence for children.
 
Structure and Clarity
The story of the “Unlikely Friends,” reads like a parable and I was not disappointed to have a moral of the story at the end. I think the action and interaction between the King and Samson are clearly done and make a wonderfully complete picture.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
There was a need for punctuation, especially the use of comas, that can be put into play on a rewrite, but I won’t go into those boring details. There is on suggested revision I would make for your story. It may be interesting to string out the beginning a bit and add suspense to the story to have the King and Lightning actually have simple but colorful interactions with the Baker, Shoemaker and the Stable boy. I suggest this only because they become integral to the plot later in the story. The King could greet them by name and admire their wares, or quirky costumes, or unique manners.
 
Summary
 
The story of King Jonathan and how he helped a giant Dragon named Samson become a friend to the citizens of a village is a fun read and has great potential for expanding into a more detailed story.
 
Thank you for sharing your gifts and talents.
 
Thanks,
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
 
   This review is given in honor of:
 
FORUM
AFaith's Unofficial Account BDay Event  (E)
CLOSED - My UAB R/CE Starts November 1st! Come help me celebrate by showing thanks!
#1955910 by A*Monaing*Faith

 
*Music2**Music1**Music2*
    Come cast a vote for this year’s Mr./Miss Thankfulness!
 
101@101513


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
272
272
Review of When Sylvie Sang  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello wordkraft ,
I selected your story "When Sylvie Sang"  to review through the Read a Newbie Forum of WdC.
 
It is my pleasure to welcome you to Writing.com where I believe you will find wonderful support for all of your work.
 
I enjoyed reading your story and I am glad to give you some impressions I have of your piece as well as a short review.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions about a story in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate for your work and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
When Sylvie sang her songs the world around her became different. Wonderful somehow. Her gift worked to entrance the patrons of the Satin Rose, but Sylvie had bigger dreams and aspirations. In time her vision made her seem neurotic and crazy to those who lived near her world, but had no part. Sylvie on the other hand pictured a world where every day was grander and more prestigious than the day before. Perhaps it would be a world where she mattered more than the spells she was able to cast with her singing
 
Interest and Pace
 
I appreciate the three parts to your story. The beginning introduces me to the fragile singer Sylvie and her life at the point of near non-existence. Towards the middle of the story where she floods the apartment, I am brought into her life for an extreme and disturbing close up. I see more clearly who she is as she has distrupted the lives of all the other tenants. Because she has put the tenants at risk of losing their homes, Sylvie becomes invisible. Only her neighbor reaches out to her in acts of kindness. The end is mysterious, but a reasonable climax as we suspect that Sylvie's gift was bigger than the Satin Rose after all and could stop her from moving on.
 
Your story is full of the rhythm of words that blend together like a sultry melody highlighted with romantic lyrics that touch my soul, just as I'm sure one of Sylvie's songs would.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
Your story has a strong beginning, middle and end. The character of Sylvie is clearly drawn and the images you have chosen to give me of her life draw from my soul pity, sympathy, horror and pain.
 
There is more, I think, that I would like to know about the narrator. This need in me is there because he is more than a remote witness to Sylvie's life, he becomes an intricate part. I know he grows in compassion, but more information about him, I feel, would help me care more about his interactions with Sylvie.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
There were no noticeable edits to suggest. The one thing that might strengthen your story is some dialogue between the narrator and someone else. I know for the sake of Sylvie's part of the story, he can't have verbal communication with her, but perhaps he could interact with some of the other tenants or the land lord. This I think would give me more oneness with him. It would meet a need in me to be more closely tied to his personal appreciation of Sylvie and one with his reaction to her being gone forever.
 
Summary
 
Sylvie is a lonely and sometimes desparate soul. Her gift to sing transcends pop to be the are of giving people time away from themselves. But there are few perks for her as she just barely sustains life on the edge of society. In her life there are secret riverbanks, breakdowns and secret love that can only be realized from a distance. For those who look from the distance they may know her as crazy and careless, but for a secret admirer, Sylvie is someone who deserves admiration and love.
 
I enjoyed your writing style and skill. I enjoyed reading your story.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
   This review is given in honor of:
 
FORUM
AFaith's Unofficial Account BDay Event  (E)
CLOSED - My UAB R/CE Starts November 1st! Come help me celebrate by showing thanks!
#1955910 by A*Monaing*Faith

 
*Music2**Music1**Music2*
    Come cast a vote for this year’s Mr./Miss Thankfulness!
 
101@101513


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
273
273
Review of Skye Walker  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hello Aubrey waters ,
 
I selected your story "Skye Walker"  to review through the Read a Newbie Forum of WdC.
 
It is my pleasure to welcome you to Writing.com where I believe you will find wonderful support for all of your work.
 
I enjoyed reading the opening chapter of your book and I am glad to give you some impressions I have of your piece as well as a short review.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions about a story in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate for your work and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
Chapter One to Skye Walker is an introduction to the Skye’s immediate environment on Zaltar. We are introduced to the Walker family and relationships as well as given a picture of the skills and abilities of some of the characters.
 
Interest and Pace
 
There is quite a bit of information to process in the single paragraph. After reading the sentences a few times it was difficult to keep everything straight. This of course may be my limitations, but you may want to consider breaking the piece up into smaller paragraphs and introduce people in smaller unique situations. I am fascinated by the descriptions used of the royal family members and would like to retain the images you have created.
 
Because of the amount of words used in description it is not a quick read. A way to increase the pace is to introduce some dialogue and let the descriptors flow as the person speaks what is on their mind.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
Everything the reader is going to need to know about the royal family is in the beginning of your chapter. I think giving the reader a reason to care in the first couple of sentences is going to be important to carry your novel to the next level. Possibly, unintentionally, the most memorable character for me is Xaviar. Outside of the Royal Family, he seems to have more importance in Skye’s life than the rest of the Walker family.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
Your writing is excellent. I think that you have a keen imagination and a heart to deliver the details of a story. I applaud experimentation with structure and style and believe that you are on your way to finding a good voice for your talent. On the path to getting these sorted out I would recommend sticking to long established convention. Short paragraphs will make reading your prose easier and help you to develop sharper images.
 
Summary
 
The deaths of Skye’s parents must be avenged. This first chapter of Skye Walker’s life story is a preamble to what is to come. Through Skye’s eyes we are introduced to the siblings and a trusted friend. It is the beginning to what promises to be an exciting story.
 
Thank you for sharing your gifts and talents.
 
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
 
   This review is given in honor of:
 
FORUM
AFaith's Unofficial Account BDay Event  (E)
CLOSED - My UAB R/CE Starts November 1st! Come help me celebrate by showing thanks!
#1955910 by A*Monaing*Faith

 
*Music2**Music1**Music2*
    Come cast a vote for this year’s Mr./Miss Thankfulness!
 
101@101513


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
274
274
Review of Obeyville Snoop  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hello JwlsMacRay ,
 
I selected your story "Obeyville Snoop"  to review through the Read a Newbie Forum of WdC.
 
It is my pleasure to welcome you to Writing.com where I believe you will find wonderful support for all of your work.
 
It was a real pleasure reading your story and I am glad to give you some impressions I have of your piece as well as a short review.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some edits or revisions, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions about a story in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate for your work and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
The walk to a familiar area of the woods near Obeyville suddenly becomes a terrifying prelude to an unthinkable confrontation. We are left to wonder what the outcome of this episode is, but at the same time there is no denying that this was a horrifying, heart palpitating experience.
 
Interest and Pace
 
The narrator of the story is a girl, in her early to mid-twenties, who is managing the family business. She appears to be doing this instead of attending college. The details of her immediate circumstances are beautifully laid out and I easily enter the world of small town Kansas and the challenges of dealing with that one “bad apple.”
 
It is at the point of the narrator going to her special spot to let off steam that I think your story could use a jolt to add even more empathy for her. The use of some dialogue between her and a well-known cranky patron would have shown me exactly what caused her to go to the creek that day. Through that interaction we could have seen a bit of the narrator through the other person’s eyes and perhaps learned her name, the way she spoke, the way other’s treated her.
 
The pace and rhythm of your story could benefit from one or two dialogue filled interactions to make me care just a bit more for your main character.
 
Structure and Clarity
 
The buildup to the actual scene where the girl is being stalked is well done. I know the girl’s fears: snakes, sting weed, strangers, being lost, unknown. These are perfectly clear and with these fears in mind the added terror of a stalker blends well to bring me to the conclusion that there will be a fatal attack. Since she is writing the story after the fact and presumably not from the great beyond, the attack was not fatal. My discomfort at this point is being left to my own imagination.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
There were three errors that I have detailed in the drop box through the link below. They have to do with past and present tense. By correcting some of your sentence tense structure and adding some dialogue to your story I believe your story would be a great read and very memorable.
 
Recommended Edits ▼
 
Summary
 
A spring walk to a favorite decompression site turns into a harrowing experience for a young member of the Obeyville community. Her run through the woods is exhilarating and terrifying. What are the intentions of her pursuer? That may be left to the reader to decide.
 
I enjoyed the power of your writing. You definitely have a feel for setting a dramatic stage and carrying out the intensity of a mystery thriller. I am obviously hoping to hear what happened next! Thank you for sharing your gifts and talents.
 
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
 
   This review is given in honor of:
 
FORUM
AFaith's Unofficial Account BDay Event  (E)
CLOSED - My UAB R/CE Starts November 1st! Come help me celebrate by showing thanks!
#1955910 by A*Monaing*Faith

 
*Music2**Music1**Music2*
    Come cast a vote for this year’s Mr./Miss Thankfulness!
 
101@101513


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
275
275
Review of The Seaside  
Review by ♫~ Kenword~♫
Rated: E | (3.5)

Hi Kellie Saberhagen
 
I selected your story "The Seaside"  to review through the Read a Newbie Forum of WdC.
It is my pleasure to welcome you to Writing.com where I believe you will find wonderful support for all of your work.
 
It enjoyed the heartfelt writing in your story and I am glad to give you some impressions I have of your piece as well as a short review.
 
My review is based solely on my opinion and feelings. While I may suggest some structural alterations, I prefer to lend my feelings and impressions about a story in the hopes that they may be of some help and encourage further thought about what has been created. Please take what you think is appropriate for your work and disregard the rest.
 
Overall Impression
 
Tommy is challenged to face his fear of the sea. His fear is a fact he does his best to conceal from his mother. But he is provoked to do more than day dream on the sandy shore.   All at once, as though reading his mind, his mother nudged him, waking him from his daydream.But he is not easily persuaded and strives more valiantly to conceal the truth from his insistent mother.
Interest and Pace
 
I like the feel of your story, right from the beginning. The aspects around the sea and the people are vibrantly drawn. The sand, heat, skin colors, the coolness of the water, the feel and sound of the sea shell.
 
Structure and Clarity
The scene is richly developed and I am convinced of its reality and purpose for being. The interactions between mother and son are clear and naturally evolving. From the perspective of the son she is remote and seemingly careless. I sense easily his lack of trust and the fear that keeps him anchored to the beach.
 
I appreciate the shift in the story as Tommy overcomes his fears and sees for the first time that he can be for someone besides himself as he witnesses a stranger who appears to be his age give his sister an ice cream.
 
Edits/Revisions
 
There were a few incidental word and punctuation corrections that will be needed on a re-write but I did not think there was a need for any structural changes needed.

Recommended Edits ▼
 
Summary
 
It is important for Tommy to overcome his fear of the sea. In the process of overcoming his fear he gains enlightenment of how to be for another person than himself and is motivated to obtain a special wonder for his sister. It is nearly his first and last act of love.
 
I truly enjoyed your story. I appreciate your insights and thank you for sharing your gifts and talents.
 
~Kenword~ *MugR*
 
 
 
   This review is given in honor of:
 
FORUM
AFaith's Unofficial Account BDay Event  (E)
CLOSED - My UAB R/CE Starts November 1st! Come help me celebrate by showing thanks!
#1955910 by A*Monaing*Faith

 
*Music2**Music1**Music2*
    Come cast a vote for this year’s Mr./Miss Thankfulness!
 
101@101513


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
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