Hi there! This review is given by a judge for "Invalid Item" by A Guest Visitor .
What a great poem! You included the celebration of our site's birthday along with the community aspect and, of course, our writing. Your word choice is very nice and your words flowed so smoothly into one another. I honestly cannot choose just one or two lines or stanzas that grabbed my attention. As I said, nice word choices.
First Impression:Good opening! It draws the reader right in.
Character Development:Very nice! I can feel the fear of the parents. Even little Savannah has a lot of character for a little one.
Dialogue/Monologue:Believable and powerful. The dialog moves the story along and infuses it with tension.
Plot Structure: Moved along smoothly. Lot of suspense. It kept me on the edge of my seat.
What Worked: I think what was most powerful was the tension of the plot and the strong emotion. The description also gives the reader a strong sense of place.
What Didn't Work: I have absolutely no comment for this space.
Overall Impact: Powerful! Emotional!
Closing Remarks: This piece pulled at my heartstrings and then broke them. Excellant writing!
First Impression: From the beginning sentence I was hooked. Being an Indigo myself I was intrigued to see where you took this story.
Character Development: I felt like the development of the characters had a slower pace than normal. It built up right until the conclusion. It worked very well as a tool to keep readers interested.
I felt for Angela. I was in suspense as to what the couple would decide.
And I wasn't fond of the administrator. You did an excellant job with her.
Dialogue/Monologue: Believable. It made your characters real.
Plot Structure: Flowed smoothly. There were no holes to confuse readers.
What Worked: Actually it all worked for me. I feel this is a well written piece.
What Didn't Work: Nothing jumped out at me here.
Overall Impact: I would love for you to delve more into the lives of Angela and Samantha after the adoption. It would be fascinating to watch them grow together.
Closing Remarks: Thank you for sharing! This was a delight to read.
This piece nails one of the most basic gross outs humankind knows. It's the kind of piece that elicits chills and repeated "eewwws" even after the initial read.
I thought your imagery was excellant. It would have to be to keep the kind of gross out factor I mentioned above.
Excellant!
~Nikola
** Image ID #1284499 Unavailable **
Intriguing. I love a good ghost story. This is nicely self contained as a whole. I didn't feel it was a good as your other pieces. It felt weak in a few places. By no means a bad story. Just a tweak or two needed.
it continued to cry with bone chilling shrieks
Try choosing one or the other. Perhaps "the bone chilling shreiks echoed behind him."
Just tossing thoughts out there. Thanks for sharing your talent.
More! More!
This stands alone well but I want to know more. You could easily expand this. Include more of the legend, perhaps some previous disappearances. I want to know more about this family too. I think this would be a wonderful short story!
You do well in your word choices. You make the most of the few you have to work with. Well done.
Ooohhhhh...I LIKE this! Your wording is intense and kept my interest. It is often so difficult to tell a complete story in so few words.
There is a wonderfully sinister feel to this. There is just enough to let your reader connect with the characters.
I can't believe there's been no reviews for many of these pieces!
The great thing about flash fiction is that they are good bones for a longer short story or perhaps a novel in disguise. I'd love to see you take this and run. (I have a feeling you may hear more of that from me as I read these items.)
I want to know more. Why is this happening? Is it the tattoo itself or did the artist have something to do with it? Hmmm...
The only word that bothers me in this piece is "gore." It sounds cliche.
I like this. It gives me some things to ponder as to the whys and what happened over time.
First Impression:I live in Tornado Alley so the title caught my attnetion right away.
Comments: *She stopped just inside the door. Shelly ducked out from under her protecting arms and saw her daddy sprawled at the kitchen table,
Who stopped just inside the door? Make it clear so that your readers aren't confused.
Character Development:Your characters come to life on the page. They are vivid, flawed, just like the real deal.
Dialogue/Monologue:I thought this was excellant! The dialog flowed easily and your characters spoke realistically. Very nice!
Plot Structure:I like the way that you weave this story. It flowed well, no snags at all.
What Worked:Everything really. The plot is solid, the characters believalbe, good word choices.
What Didn't Work:Other than the one comment above, I have nothing to add here.
Overall Impact:I thought this was a well written and entertaining piece.
I can relate to those unknown creepies that scare us all. As a child I had monsters in the closet and still am leery of those dark places.
Have you considered omitting some those "little" words? Words like "an, the, a, etc." can clog up a poem and it won't have the impact it otherwise might. Read this again and see what you think.
I love this subject matter and you've done a good job of relating it to your readers. Just maybe a little tightening up would make it sing!
I love this twist on an otherwise joy-filled holiday.
once lived. Then there was the stench it permeated the room and smelled like an open grave.
Begin a new sentence with "it."
We had to use a specially constructed trailer to carry the mechanism, that‘s going to cost me a pretty penny.
Change the wording of this sentence to make it clearer for your readers. Perhaps "It cost me a pretty penny..."
You tell a good story with the word limit That's not always an easy thing to do.
I could relate to the beginning where the monsters of childhood lurk. I had monsters in my closet and to this day don't like the doors opened at night.
And I could relate to the monsters that lurk later in life.
I thought this was well worded and the emotion shone through as well as imagery. I felt. I saw.
I honestly don't have any comments. You brought forth emotion and that's what poetry does best. Thanks for sharing this piece!
First Impression:Is this non-fiction? It reads like a true story. I was intrigued from the beginning.
Comments: This morning will be like every other, Teodore thought to himself.
Use italics to emphasize the thought. It is a visual aid for readers to recognize the change from story to thought.
through the grassland to where he finished his work yesterday.
This reads choppy. Perhaps "to the place where he finished his work yesterday."
and then return back to his work.
You don't need the word "bakc" here. It's repetitive.
With a small material sack on his back, holding his belongings, Teodore slowly made his way home and headed for the nearest train.
What kind of material was the sack made of? It helps the reader to visualize if you have something specific.
The last of the sentence reads rough to me. Perhaps "slowly making his way home, he headed for the nearest train."
Florea in the kitchen *tiding up
*tidying
Character Development:I'll say there wasn't a lot of character development but this is a plot driven piece so it works. It is easy for your readers to know who is who.
Dialogue/Monologue:Very realistic. Well done!
Plot Structure:There is a large timeline in this piece and I felt it does jump around a bit leaving me confused. However, I think this would be a wonderful novella or novel. There is a lot of background, both of your characters and the history surrounding their lives, that would make for interesting reading.
What Worked:I loved the storyline and the historical significance surrounding it.
What Didn't Work:Only the jumpiness of the plot where time changes.
Overall Impact:Enjoyable reading.
Closing Remarks:I think you've got something special here. With a bit of work it could make a marvelous novel!
I don't feel this qualifies as classic horror but the subject itself is horrific.
I have several friends who are police officers and I volunteer for my local PD. I know how easily something terrible can go down.
I've also been held up at gunpoint so I can relate, in my own way, about having a gun trained on you.
This is a very powerful piece and a sobering look at how dangerous law enforcement is. Bravo for bringing it to people's attention!
This is a reciprocal review on behalf of writetight, whom you were so kind as to have reviewed recently, and is in connection with "Invalid Item" .
I'm really taken with this story! The fact that you chose a famous painting to write your story around made it more vivid to me. The theme of reincarnation is nicely done.
This is well written. I honestly see nothing out of kilter.
One thing--Have you ever considered taking this further? An ongoing story through the ages, perhaps captured in other famous paintings. It would be intriguing!
First Impression: I saw in this piece a story about unrequited love and teen angst. A young woman who wishes to change things for one she loves, yet can't get through.
Comments: I sat *on my usual corner...
Perhaps *in?
The phases and sentences that you set apart, put them in italics for a better impact. The reader will know these are the narrator's thoughts.
But I never left my *until he was still there.
*while
really was different *comparing to all the guys
*compared
You have no Idea how happy you made me!
Separate and place in italics.
Even if I only met him for a little time
This sentence you don't really need. It's too much foreshadowing and takes from the twist at the end.
or make contact *wit me
*with
Character Development: The first person narrator seems a bit stiff. Give her some freedom! Show her personality, describe her and her friend. Delve deeper into her feelings. It will make your readers relate to and care for, your characters.
Dialogue/Monologue: The asides, as I mentioned, place in italics. More actual dialog between your characters would liven your tale. It will show how they interact.
Plot Structure:
You wavered between past and present tense. It will confuse your readers. Choose one and tell your story in that tense. Believe me, I catch myself doing the same thing!
The plot works well enough, but with some work, it will become much better.
What Worked:
It is a good story to tell! I like the young adult viewpoint. The twist is nice.
What Didn't Work:
Work on character interactions, dialog and your narrator's personality.
Closing Remarks: Rewrites are all a part of being a writer. Give this piece some loving attention and it can be a really good story!
An interesting piece. It does bring up some thought on appliances. But what good are they when the electricity goes off?
I felt this piece is good, but needs more. Perhaps let your readers in on the contest from the beginning. It is a bit confusing. Also what is the reason for this contest?
When quoting, use either quotation marks or, in this case, you could probably italicize the words. It will help your readers stay with you.
One thing..."broasted?"
I feel that if you work on this some more, you'll have a very good piece! Keep writing!
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It was a definite feel-good, laugh-out-loud story. Fun to read.
