I'm reviewing your entry as today's judge for "The Writer's Cramp" by Sophy . Thanks for entering!
This is a nice melding of the excitement of graduation, the fear of an abuser, and the love this girl has for that same abuser.
The last caught me off guard. I would like to think that I'd have a feeling of relief and freedom. I do realize that many still have feelings for their abuser in spite of what is being done to them.
This is well written. There are a few bumps but nothing that can't be corrected. I like the way you ended this piece. It lets your readers ponder what happens next in Eve's life, what decisions she will make now.
I'm reviewing your entry as today's judge for "The Writer's Cramp" by Sophy . Thanks for entering!
Love the final line! It's also nice to see a parent relent because they understand. I think most of us had this kind of battle with our own parents over some food.
I'm reviewing your entry as today's judge for "The Writer's Cramp" by Sophy . Thanks for entering!
You have a really good story here. I like the tale you are weaving.
It does need work. There are misspelled words and partial sentences throughout. This is an easy fix.
I also feel that there is more here to tell. I know there is a word count for this contest. Now that it has been judged, you could go wild with this! Add more details. Make your readers' senses come alive. Go into more detail about the cultures of the two main characters (even the grandmother!). Have fun with it!
These are things that all writers deal with on a daily basis.
Wow! This is a great story! It flows well and the storyline itself is wonderful.
I felt for Maya and wondered myself what her mystery was. It was heartbreaking that she couldn't see the same beauty that the doctors and scientists could. It was also sad to me that they were studying her as a subject rather than a person. The ending, Maya's ending, was tragic as well.
I love Sato's active imagination. Much like a writer's in how he conjures stories about the place and the people in it.
You also caught me by surprise. I wasn't expecting your story to take the twist that it did. Nice!
You slipped into first person in one sentence. Also, in a few places, you changed verb tenses.
Otherwise, a wonderful piece!
What an enchanting, and slightly dark, story!
I would love for serendipity to take me where it wanted. How fun ife would be!
I love your description. Spring is making its presence felt here and your description of flowers and plants made me want to work outside in my own yard. I could envision the setting so well.
And the dark element of Emily's mysterious stalker was a nice touch. I was left wondering who he was and about her special talents. In this case it works. I gives your readers something to ponder over.
I love how you wound the rituals of the dragonflies into your story, relating one to the other.
My mother was much like Robert in that she had that perfect mold that she expected me to fit into. It shaped our relationship much like your main characters.
This flows nicely. The emotion behind the narrator is believable. Your word choice is wonderful.
I like your story. While not a completely happy ending, Amy did find closure of sorts. Did she find out her true first name?
Watch spelling and punctuation. When your character is thinking versus talking to herself aloud, use italics. It helps your readers to know which is which.
I felt the story a bit jumpy, not flowing smoothly. Just a little polish will solve that. It's part of what we writers must endure.
This would be great in expanded form using bits of story but truly telling it through the letters and couments of her father.
You have good bones for a story here. It does need a lot of polish. Don't let this discourage you. It's something every writer has to endure.
There are a lot of incorrectly spelled words. Some of your word choices don't make sense. Watch using the same word too many times too closely together.
The story itself is a tragic one. I felt for Robert and his loss. It is truly tragic to lose someone loved so dearly at a time that should be joyful.
Nice! While the two creeps at the bar reinforce my adversion to the whole speed dating thing, as well as bars in general, they served their purpose. I honestly thought they would save the day. Then again, I imagine the title of the story made that point moot. I do think they know more and even perhaps who is committing these crimes.
The dialogue is wonderful and the characters believable. Your story flowed nicely.
This is a twisty story. While I was confused at some points, it all became clear in the end. I truly thought that Roger was losing his mind. Or was he? While the obvious is that he did indeed have a family and a life, he could have been slipping into madness. I love that there is room for reflection on the true nature of his mental condition.
What a beautiful, tragic story! My wish is that Jinn learns from this and uses her life to help those of others.
Your beginning took my breath away! I'm crazy terrified of heights and flying. I thought for a moment that Jinn had pushed her luck and died. The truth was so much more powerful.
The setting of Scotland speaks to me. I've Scottish roots and the country is one of beauty.
Your dialogue made the location more true to your readers.
I have to admit that I'm burned out on zombie stories. But, I love this one!
It's very nicely written. I feel like I'm living this ordeal with Devin. His journal and his thoughts make him real to your readers. I like that he not only discusses how to survive but also those human things he misses that we take for granted.
Love, love this! Nearing the end, I had guessed where the narrator was. Still, it was a fun trip getting there!
The descriptive telling of this story is what grabs your readers and keeps us captive until the end. I was almost having a panic attack myself!
One thing, since your readers don't know that your narrator knows her tormentor, after he removes her glasses, you mention the detail of his white eyebrows. To keep the suspense, you might want to omit that. We aren't supposed to know who he is untill all is revealed at the end.
Wow! This story wound and twisted right until the end. Very nice job!
I loved Trace. Poor guy trying so hard to do right in a changing and confusing world.
I sympathized with Erin, at first of course. One question--how did she know her name when she couldn't remember anything concrete? Just a thought.
You did a great job of keeping your readers in the dark, teasing them along, feeding them nibbles of information. I like how you brought the story to a complete conclusion right at the very last.
This is a very well written piece! Even though I chose not to have children of my own, I often look around and ask myself these same questions. There seems to be no set and right answer on parenting well adjusted children who become productive adults. There are so many factors that come into play.
You raise these issues in a clear manner, even pondering on them. The ultimate question is "why."
Well done! Best of luck and thanks again for entering!
~Nikola
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