Overall this is a very engaging story. You set the scene well, the characterizations are good enough, and the action flies! Well done.
I do have some minor quibbles, but they don't really detract from the story much.
- you obviously don't need all those break tags.
- They would hurl every weapon they had in possession at him.
I'd remove "in possession" it's wordy and doesn't add value.
- But things had gone horribly wrong.
I know a lot of us like to begin sentences with conjunctions, me included, BUT it's wrong. You should really have good reason to break this rule, and I don't see one here. It creates too much traction.
- you have a conflict here: His knife-used for skinning, honing, cutting-did not have the magic of flight on it so were he to throw and miss, it would be fists against broad sword. He could risk running in under the orc's guard and striking directly at the heart, or throw it and risk missing. But he had to end the battle soon. He was losing blood and he lacked a shield with which to parry the orc's axe blows.
Is he fighting an orc with a broad sword or an orc with an axe?
This is a very interesting and rich subject. I've never read his work. I've not been attracted to it. Your facts and descriptions made me realize it's a body of work I need to explore. In this respect you've done well. There is, however, some room for improvement. You tell me lots of stuff, but you don't generate any excitement, any emotion. You infer interest in his undertones and his play on words, but I don't really want to be told too much about them. I want you to tell me how they make you feel! Tell me why the Hatter dialogue means so much to you. Where does it take you? Show me, don't tell me. Draw me in!
Below are a couple of grammar issues. I point them out, but I don't get hung up on this stuff.
You obviously need to work on commas. Don't we all? The following two lines have commas around the subject of the sentence. They aren't called for.
"Now, being part of a book club, has many advantages and with it some disadvantages as well. " "My English teacher too, didn't prove to be of any help." <-- be careful with using too many too's ;)
The following paragraph has a problem.
"Take this for instance, 'The jar of orange marmalade, for example, is a symbol of Protestantism (William of Orange; get it?). The battle of the White and Red Knights is the famous clash of Thomas Huxley and Bishop Samuel Wilberforce. The blue Caterpillar is Benjamin Jowett, the White Queen is Cardinal John Henry Newman, the Red Queen is Cardinal Henry Manning, the Cheshire Cat is Cardinal Nicholas Wiseman, and the Jabberwock "can only be a fearsome representation of the British view of the Papacy. . ." '."
"Take this for instance, ' blah, blah, blah'. Well what about it? You use the non-introduced pronoun 'this' as the subject. We need to re-introduce 'this' whenever we change sentences and paragraphs.Something like "In this passage, Gardner discusses the real world inferences gleemed from Caroll's work:"
Your could also use a relative clause to define 'this': "This passage from Garder's book illustrates these real world references: "..."
This story was written with the purpose of creating a twist -- I found it in a twist contest. I read it knowing that, but honestly I didn't spend any time anticipating the ending. I was more interested in it for review purposes, a holistic approach if you will. I did not catch the twist until it happened. Mission accomplished! I enjoyed teading it, it moved pretty well. A few sentences were troublesome which I'll cover below.
>>Peter lay back in the foldable reclining chair, gazing up at the moonless night sky, as he puffed away slowly at his cigarette. Relaxing on that terrace in the late evenings had been a routine for him for several years. A routine that had been broken on a particular night, three months ago.
I found these two bolded clauses added unwanted traction. You refer to two time frames very close together. You make me think about what several years means, and that thought is still with me when you introduce three months ago. I now have to disengage my brain's time calculating cells and re-engage them on a new fact. You pushed me then you pulled me. I got distracted, slightly.
>>The night on which his friend and partner Mr.John Crosby had met a gruesome death, falling down from the terrace.
Don't tell me what happenned; that's for the body of your story to tell. Simply tell me he met a gruesome death. This builds an expectation, a tension that will be released later.
>>Was it his past he was seeing in the night ?
I didn't follow this line very well. Your past is a big thing. Arguably it extends to all of your ancestors. This line needs some clarifying.
>>Trembling, he picked up the torchlight that he had dropped in shock,
I didn't like this sentence. To me a torch is something an African native carries around in an old Tarzan movie O_0 It wasn't plausible to my small brain.
An enjoyable piece. It flows well and held my attention. Thanks for sharing it.
[I'm not your editor and this is just my opinion.]
The ending was rather abrupt and out of the blue. I think it needs to be set up more. Maybe drop some hints that Kyra is expected, that she's late, and that everybody is anxious. Lots of options for tension-building dialogue here. Build an expectation that something is going to happen without directly saying what it is. Be subtle. Review the concept of building a conflict in a plot.
I found some flaws with sentence structure and word usage.
- "I had grown up in a family where I never knew my father while my mother who owned her own fashion line could not offer me any of her time." <-- You have two complete sentences in this one, and they need proper separation. I believe a semicolon is needed after "father." You also need a comma after "line."
-"I wasn’t even at the New Year’s Eve party since my work was overwhelming." <-- Your work was overwhelming? What does this mean and how does it tie into missing a party? Do you mean your work was hard and your brain was too frazzled from trying to deal with it, or ar you really trying to say your workload was too demanding on your time? It's not clear.
-"The ceremony ended and everyone had offered their condolences." <-- This is two sentences, and of course it needs a comma before the and.
-'Ray and I stood in silence for awhile. “Shall we go?”' <-- So who is saying this? *scratches head*
-“Walk?! We live 10 kilometers away and you want to walk?” <-- This is two sentences, and of course it needs a comma before the and.
-"He had invited all her close friends and college mates. He had even invited the Grey family, and all had agreed to come, except for her own mother who was probably too busy to even reply." <-- You refer to "her" but you don't introduce her. It's very confusing. Of course you know because you wrote it, but I have no idea who she is.
This is a nice, friendly piece. It moved well and kept my interest. It was good to read.
I only ask that you question your plot. The main conflict was left unresolved. You set up a relationship between your protagonist and antagonist, and you create some tension. I was looking forward to the final showdown at the breakfast table. But then you throw in the little sister and deflect our attention away from the conflict. IMHO the sentence “Mom said you couldn't have a car, and I know you wanted one.” adds even more tensiont.
I don't know your intentions for this piece -- if it's part of a bigger piece or not. I don't think it quite stands on its own right now.
- Do you think it's reasonable for her to think about the magazines as she's stalking him? I had a hard time buying into that idea.
- "The struggle lasted for at least a minute, her scratching at his face, elbowing him in the ribs, and his pulling at her wrists, and even trying to bite one of her hands at one point. Finally, the man kicked her in the stomach, somehow got his foot up, and used it to step on her arm closest to the ground, and pull on her hand the gun was in. She pulled the trigger, but in the struggle, she had switched it on, and had no time to turn it off before the suspect had gotten it from her hand. " <-- I found myself having to read this paragraph a few times. It lost me. You only have three sentences, but they are 36, 34, and 30 words each. They are way too long. They need to be broken up into shorter, more varied prose.
Flow is fine. Character development is ok. Grammar is approaching great.
Some minor issues:
- 'I have crazy hopping fanatics right outside yelling with plank cards, “Free the Aliens! Anti Alien Cruelty! Free the Aliens! Cruel Humans!”' <- You use four examples. Generally three examples is considered appropriate. Some of the greatest writers and speakers make livings off of this rule of three. Break it rarely if ever!
- The main Character is called lora. Is there some special reason she can get by without capitalizing her name? You should probably explain this to your readers. Or is it a simple cut and paste error? Without explanation, it makes me wonder. It takes my focus away from the story.
- Single digit numbers should be spelled out. Write "four", not "4."
- Is it plausible that these aliens are fluent in French, Japanese, and Cantonese but not English? Just a reminder that when making stuff up, it's important that it make sense. Listen to your own feelings on these things, and revisit your work many times. Perhaps you'll decide to remove or change this idea or even replace it with something else.
I enjoyed reading this piece. Looking forward to more.
I enjoyed this. You created believeable characters, the pompous, inept senior and the confident yet mostly respectful junior.
You have some issues with your dialogue structure. You have both speaking in the same paragraph a couple of times. That's confusing to the reader. I encourage you to read up on creating dialogue. I'm not familiar with this site yet, but there's plenty of resources out there. Here's one I found http://www.writing-world.com/fiction/dialogue.shtm...
I'm glad to see you write about this subject. It is an epidemic. I write about it a lot.
Your piece rambles. I know from experience that there are way too many issues to incorporate into such a short piece. You can't cover everything, and this just has too many ideas. I think you need to streamline your ideas and focus on ones that clearly support your argument. Work on a clear outline first:
introduction
issues and impacts
your solution and why
You advocate simple willpower. Have you not been paying attention? Practically every doctor, dietitian, and tv diet guru on the planet sys all we need to do is make better choices. The FACTS show that 97% of dieters fail. It hasn't worked. It won't work. Einstein's definition of insanity lives strong!
Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.
Science is showing that physiological forces overpower willpower. We need to change what we eat, not how much we eat. I won't push any specific ideas, but I will point you towards resources I think every health advocate should at least be exposed to. I recommend reading or listening to Dr. Robert Lustig, Sean Croxton, Jimmy Moore, and Gary Taubes. Above all keep an open mind and focus on the science.
It is a good message and worth writing about, but there are several problems with this piece.
You are trying to convince people to stop being bullies. Such an argument needs a clear beginning, a body, and an ending. This has elements of an ending and beginning, but really it's one big body. Work on clearer separation. You have intro-sentences, but they should be broken out into their own paragraph.
- state the issue
- make your points
- state a conclusion
Your understanding of sentence structures needs work:
"By people who hurt others just for the sake of hurting them." does not have a subject so is not a complete sentence.
The same applies to "Whether emotionally, physically, or verbally." If you say this sentence alone with no related sentences, it's obvious it's not a complete thought.
"STOP, for those of you who find yourselves trying to destroy another persons Ego, STOP." is a combination of two sentences with improper punctuation. Complete sentences cannot be separated by mere commas. They need a conjunction as well. You can also separate with a semicolon. You could rewrite it as "STOP. For those of you who find yourselves trying to destroy another persons ego, STOP!"
Disjointed, bad grammar, bad punctuation. But it's PERFECT!
You borrow the Beckett quote and apply it to your own life with your own voice. You build a slow sense of improvement with an ever-present sense of dispair. The ending is priceless! I really enjoyed reading this :)
Very well written. I can add nothing of technical value.
It's perilously close to being too "chick-flicky." I wanted to stop not very far into it. I really struggled to stay around paragraphs 9-12 . Your conflict between Mary and her doctor brought me right back though. Brilliant choice to recapture my attention. I thought those passages made the piece!
I am not a fan of the ending sentiments. You ended on a relatively negative note. I'd rather you left us with a positive, spiritual message, perhaps how your soul has received riches O_0 Yet it is a real and expected outcome.
There's only one sentence I questioned: "A week later, Jack does end up getting a new job. " You started the paragraph with this structurally weak sentence. It interrupted my flow. It made me pause. I prefer a more active voice like "A week later Jack 'did' get a new job!" I dunno for sure; I'd sleep on it ;)
A simple yet poignant story. I can easily relate to my time as a young adult trying to find my way in the world and as a parent of two college kids. I've received a few calls from daughter regarding her auto-adventures! This is a well constructed stroy with opening, middle, and end. It's easy to follow and brings home your point.
I am bothered by what I think are too many introductory clauses whic affected the flow. Unfortunately, Seemingly, Although, Undoubtedly, and Then are single word ones. You don't need commas after these. You only need them if they are five words or more. They are never wrong though. A longer one was "When the instructor dismissed the class,". There's nothing wrong with using such clauses, but there were IMHO too many of them. I'd rather see more active voice and varied structures.
This is a very fast paced, abstract piece. All the paragraphs are very short. It reminds me of Faulkner's The Sound and the Fury when the slow family helper is talking. I didn't understand any of that either. I don't mean that in a bad way. I suspect that's the effect both you and Faulkner wanted, but it does little for me. I didn't care for TSATF either; though it's considered classic.
From my North American perspective -- I had to Wiki the War of the Roses -- I think it's plausible.
I ask myself how it feels. It feels complex. It was a long and fractured conflict with many players. I can also feel some symbolism: Red vs White.
You'll have to provide understanding of the conflict for people like me. None of this heritage makes sense to me. I'm the 5yr old being told about it by his father.
This Warwick character has promise. His "Kingmaker" moniker instantly makes him stand out. He can easily tie into both worlds. The link? The villian in one and the hero in the other?
There's lots of little battles and events, lots of characters. You should be able to write just about anything into them, but the challenge will be to keep it clear enough for readers to follow yet complex enough to keep them thinking.
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