Your narrative is pretty good, but you have very little dialogue. I think it's too little. There's no right or wrong amount, generally. It's a feel thing, but the dialogue in this piece is obviously too thin. It needs much more.

When deciding to insert dialogue or not, one rule is to follow emotion. If you are describing emotion, you probably shouldn't. Take this example from your work. "Bye, mom," Kathryn said as she picked her bag up from the ground, and she groaned as its weight was suddenly on her back. She reached for her pocket, and turned her iPod on once her headphones were in her ears. The loud music blasted through the plastic headphones, and she jumped a little having been caught off guard. "She groaned" suggests there's emotion as does "she jumped a little." PErhaps something like this.

"Bye mom," Kathryn said. She groaned as she picked her bag up.
"What's wrong dear?"
"Too many books. The teachers are really laying on the homework."
Kathryn reached in her pocket and turned on her ipod.
"Damn!" She jumped up on her toes and yanked the headphones off.
"Kathryn!"
"Sorry mom. My ipod was turned up all the way."

You use "she" 65 times, yet we find out very little about Kathryn -- her feelings, desires, and her motivations. I don't want you to tell me she's lonely; I want you to show me.

Sentence structure -- there are a couple of dependant clauses written as sentences. You wouldn't go up to somebody and say Or the sweet scent of autumn that permeated in the air. It doesn't make sense on its own. Sentences always make sense on their own. Another is ; the adults to work and the kids to school. A semi-colon is as strong as a period and colon. They separate complete sentences. You probably want a colon or an em dash here. The rest of your work is mechanically fine, so I think this was justa lapse when you started writing it. ; loud enough to drown the noise. fits the same mold.

concern This misspelling tells me you didn't read your work very well. So does this phrase she turned the little device I her pocket off

and yet -- I don't know if you understand what you did here or not. And and yet are both coordinating conjunctions. Technically this is redundant construction. Only one conjunction is needed. It is idiomatic though, and pefectly acceptable in informal writing and fiction. Research idioms.

I have to call you out on the plot. I read this three times, and I still have no idea what it was about. I know it was an exercise for school. I'm going to suggest you spend some time on plot structures.

You refer to two songs. Are the names relevant to the story or are you showing off your musical tastes? When I hear a song name, I want to know why you mention it. Perhaps the lyrics reflect the character's mood or echo a storyline. When there's nothing there, my attention is pulled away but not handled. It's distracting.

You use eleven semicolons. I think they all link independant clauses. This is techniocally fine, but the clauses need to be closely related. I automatically question the need for so many. Melville uses them excessively, but generally writers use them sparingly.

While I did comment on mechanics, you actually have a good grasp of grammar concepts. Your error rate is much lower than typical new writers I see at WDC.

You are not afraid to write. It's sad how few people actually put ideas into words, and fewer look for feedback. These are not trivial qualities of a good writer!

My list of recomendations may seem daunting, but really, everybody here has much the same list. These are all on mine.
- continue studying and practicing grammar.
- continue studying and practicing dialogue. Read up on showing vs. telling.
- continue studying and practicing plot construction. Think tension.

A mistake they would regret.

deserved every ounce of what they were about to receive.

I baited him, drawing him in

breaking ligament

the weighted jade ring at the end of my hair cracked him across the cheekbone and dazed him.

beyond all traces of light and energy and matter

vs

birthed from the subterranean reaches

The light of that star was not the flickering flame of a candle, but a piercing, enveloping wave of luminosity. It was less a sight than an experience, a sensation of overwhelming intensity.

For millennia, the star ruled that corner of the galaxy.

It began with the failure of its molten heart. The long ages of roaring energy had taken their toll; the core of the star hardened into firm stone, and little by little it began to die. Its brilliance dimmed, its head faded, until it was but a shade of the giant it had once been. Finally, lacking the energy to sustain itself, the star collapsed inward, drawing all its mass into a single, concentrated sphere. There was a moment of absolute stillness, and the universe seemed to hold its breath.

A massive concussion shattered the void, and the sphere erupted into the awesome splendor of a supernova. Colossal shockwaves ripped through the reaches of heaven, propelling with them a single fragment from the heart of the star.

It began in the deep reaches of space, past swirling galaxies of stars and dust, beyond all traces of light and energy and matter.

Eulidos brings his fist down upon his thigh as he speaks “Bare Hands”; great rumbling ripples through the white-flecked sea of darkness.

“Quit shak’n the heav’ns, you nit!” Tanis pauses.

yet her voice lingers to finish her words before it too follows suit, fading

The youngest of the eternal beings then speaks, calmly.

There, beyond the cloud of stars that play at staring and winking after one another, they three boom and shout

Their colossal forms materialize and vanish at random, flirting with the thin veil of reality. One materializes, speaking.

Eulidos brings his fist down upon his thigh as he speaks “Bare Hands”; great rumbling ripples through the white-flecked sea of darkness.

The youngest of the eternal beings then speaks

ski mask. “I’ve got a gun" I warn

still smiles, somehow, even though

She obeys and I demand $10,000, just enough to cover some medical expenses, and keep my baby healthy for a little longer.

butterfly barrette in her hair, its silver with

somehow know it’s me and I

There goes the warden. I hate him.

Here you build the scene, your character, and some tension. In seven words you tell us you are in prison and you are full of hate.

Last meal? PB & J with a glass of milk. What better meal to greet forever with?

I really love this paragraph. It tells us a lot about the character of this person without saying so directly. It's a common man's meal. This is a common man, a man that enjoys the little things in life, and a man that knows his place in the universe.

Saying so much with so few words is what writing is all about!

Tomorrow I die. By firing squad if you must know and I know you just gotta. <- this needs a couple of changes. The following is the correct form. Tomorrow I die, by firing squad if you must know, and I know you just gotta.

I recall telling you people this last time but nobody listened, did they? <-- I think this should be written as I recall telling you people this last time, but nobody listened. Did they?

That’s all we ever hear from you and I gotta tell you, we’re all kinda sick of it. <-- This also needs a comma. That’s all we ever hear from you, and I gotta tell you, we’re all kinda sick of it.