And here I am, back to meet the Great Oz

First of all, good description of the place, and adding the most known name was certainly a plus. Until I read it, I could picture some lost spot in the Nevada desert (don't know why I pictured the desert, but I did). Then, "Area 51" came to complete the picture.

And the little summary about the founding behind Sam's team is good too. I mean, it was implied by the flashback and the fact that Sam stays in touch with a general. But it's good as a confirmation.

The all for one and one for all nature of Sam's team
The words I italized work as one single adjective, so they have to be all hyphened or in quotation marks.

general Kohl's aura always arrived before his body
This is a hell of an introduction to a character!

The general was dressed in desert MARPAT fatigues,
I think this description reads as a distraction after the dialogue begins. Like, once they start talking, I want to know what they say, I'm past the moment for descriptions. I would've liked to read this before Sam breaks the silence.

two shot tumbler
two-shot tumbler

in the past, Sam," the general began.
Since this is no tag verb--welcome to my private nightmare--the comma after "Sam" has to be a period. In that case, it would read better at the beginning of the sentence, or changing the "began" to "said".

all his attention to Kohl's next words. "People like us
Just a comment: I've been told to no end that if the speaker is not the subject of the former action--like here--the dialogue must go in a separate paragraph. Just saying.

"Eight years ago,..."
All this paragraph reads as meant actually and only for the reader, because it's to be expected that Sam knows what he did. So this information should get to the reader some other way.

Kohl took another sip of his drink, flashed Sam a hard look, and then returned the tumbler to its cork pad. He shrugged.
Who shrugged? You're listing Kohl actions, then mention Sam, then insert a "he" and it muddles the sequence. Because actually, the last "he" you mention is Sam.

Sam grinned.
A grin is a big, happy smile. Is that the kind of smile a man like Sam flashes at a man like Kohl in this situation?

Sam tried to get his head around the general's odd rhetoric.
This is a very necessary clarification, but the comment comes after I felt it read off and out of character. So, to prevent that sensation from the reader, undermining the interest, Sam should notice Kohl is too talkative right away. So we, readers, follow Kohl's words with curiosity.

All the while up to this, my thought was that Kohl really likes to talk--and even show off (when he says "I managed to garner the admiration and trust of a powerful group of people, men who control and influence everything that happens in our world.") Which doesn't match my mind picture of a black ops general. Especially when addressing a subordinate, who's bound to obey whatever he commands.

what he truly wanted to say, you've got to be fucking kidding me.
I would totally change that comma for an emm dash.

Sam remained seated and silent,
I wasn't surprised that Kohl sat down, even if you don't mention it. But it did surprised me that Sam would sit down in Kohl's presence.

Then Kohl changed the subject.
"How's the leg? I heard your engineering guys built you an outstanding prototype."
This would read smoother together in the same paragraph.

the generals cryptic words.
Little typo: general's.
And you used "cryptic" just a couple of paragraph before this. It's not an ordinary word and the repetition stands out.

But now, with a disbanded bunch of retired adrenaline junkies?
I think the question mark reads off. Maybe ellipsis would work better.

What the hell was the General thinking?
There's a double space after this that made me think I was about to read another scene, but it continues with Sam with the photograph and the iPhone.
By the way, nowadays everybody has an iPhone, so there's not really a point in stating the phone brand. If you name it because of its uses, "smartphone" does the trick alright.

There's an icon in the lower right of your iPhone that says Face Time?
Hum, another weird question mark.

Deja'vu
Déjà vu.

like an H.G. Wells time traveler. "Hello Angel.
like an H.G. Wells' time traveler.
Also, the closing quotation mark is missing.

Angle, being the units orbiting eyes,
Shouldn't this be: Angel, being the unit's orbiting eyes,...?

his right hand man
right-hand man

I'm sure he told you that nothing changes.
I think this should be "nothing's changed" and reword the next sentence to avoid the repetition.

His conversational brevity could be trying, and his mother superior complex was sometimes annoying. These personality idiosyncrasies paled to his dry sense of humor. "You sure you're not Kohl's illegitimate son?" Sam asked. His answer was a half-hearted chuckle. "So how are you going to handle the transportation?"
This needs a little clean-up: you start using "his" a couple of time referring to Angel. Then you use it again referring to Sam. Then you clarify it's Sam asking and you use again "his", but not referring to Sam, but back to Angel. Then Sam makes another question, and he's the last "he" you mention, so, who chuckles?
Suggestion:
Angel's conversational brevity could be trying, and his mother-superior complex was sometimes annoying.
These personality idiosyncrasies paled to Sam's dry sense of humor. "You sure you're not Kohl's illegitimate son?" he asked. Angel's answer was a half-hearted chuckle and Sam asked, "So how are you going to handle the transportation?"

a few hours shut-eye
a few-hour shut-eye

He sat still for several minutes digesting the significance
Need a comma before "digesting".

Kohl's new orders. Kohl's reasoning
The repetition of the name reads off.

Orville Redenbacher
Unless you're writing only for American readers, maybe you should just say "popcorn". "Bud", people can understand it all over the world, because it's a brand you can find anywhere--I live in a Patagonian town and I can go buy a Bud at the supermarket. But I had to google Orville Redenbacher to know what Sam is having with his Bud.

the most fortuitous to get a glimpse.
There's a noun missing here, after fortuitous.

Someone or something was about to change the world, and the Great Oz was once again wielding the wand that would vanquish the changers.
"Was about to change the world" doesn't match the statement of Kohl about to make a stand against it, because those words seem to claim the change is coming no matter what. But if there's gonna be resistance, someone or something was about to try to change the world.

getting to be repetitive
Shouldn't this be "going to get repetitive"?

siesta
Remember siesta is the nap you take after lunch, in the early afternoon, to let the hottest hours of the day pass by. Here you're using it for a night sleep.

Sam gingerly eased out of the la Z-boy.
"la Z-boy"? ?

After an explosive session on the toilet
Call me old-fashioned, but this is both gross and unnecessary.

big brother's watchful eyes
I think "big brother" should be capitalized.

he had eaten the business end of a colt 44
Loved this.

hanger
hangar

His stories hinted of reverse engineering and alien technologies, suggesting his friend might have a small hole in his marble bag.
"His friend" reads as if you're talking about a friend of Jessie's. It should be "he" or "Sam's friend". If you're actually talking about a friend of Jessie's, you should clarify, "one of his friends" or "a friend of his" or something like that.

Just two weeks ago, Jessie had walked into his office
If this happened two weeks before Kohl's visit, and Kohl also points up as he talks about upcoming evil, shouldn't it ring a bell in Sam's head?

Terra Firma
This is Latin for "solid earth" or "dry land", so it shouldn't be capitalized.


Okay, and this is it for Dead Soldiers.
This second part definitely needs to be in the story, but I agree that both parts put together are way too long for a single chapter.

I usually don't like thugs and commandos, but I like Sam, somehow. I think I like that he's consistent. You made a great characterization, and this insight into Sam makes me think I'll be able to understand better his crew when they arrive.

The only thing I didn't quite get is his part in putting up that fleet of top-secret, top-tech vehicles. Because if he has some engineering skill, or was somehow involved in the building of these vehicles, and they're so out of this world and "not meant for humans", it feels like Jessie's workd should ring a bell--Where did the technology to build these top vehicles come from? Who are they meant to fight, if not humans? Just like, if Jessie dies only two weeks before Kohl shows up out of the blue, it feels like Sam should connect the dots at the pointing up part, or even their words about something big and dangerous coming.

About the narrative, there's a lot of group of words or names used as compound adjectives, no hyphens, no quotation marks, nor possesive. Once it slips, two read off, three read as repeated-and-uncorrected errors. Especially because you have another lot of correctly-hyphened compound adjectives.

The foreigner words you insert along the narrative keep bumping me, mostly because most of them are not used correctly, according to their meaning in their original language. Like "poncho" in the Prologue, "conga" of chills in "Merci". Or "siesta" at night, "Macanudo-hushed"--especially with macanudo capitalized when it's a regular adjective, like "Terra Firma", which are two regular nouns, not the name of a given place.

They don't add to the characterization, because I've found them at the three chapters I've read so far, with Mikhail, Merci and Sam. And they're not technical terms matching whatever area of expertise the characters have. Point being: if readers don't know their meaning, they won't get what you say; and if they know the meaning, they'll know they're not correct. So I think they're substracting to an otherwise very rich, dynamic narrative.

The flow, the setting and the characterization are great. They're just diminished, or stained, by these two things I pointed to.

Try to drop me a line whenever you have a chance!

Hope you're having a great week!

Read you around!

Hey there, JJ!

Here I am for chapter 2.

Just like the quote for chapter 1, Kissinger's here is harsh. But since I have nothing to do with military, I can agree with a serious nod. He's right. They're pawns. And Kissinger knows plenty about it to trust his words

"Another dead soldier," he murmured.
Title shot! So soon, I liked it a lot. Especially because it gave me the feeling that this was not the only meaning of the title, but some sort of analogy.

Anwar Sadat, Fidel
Looks like Sam knows some interesting people.
By the way, it's Anwar el-Sadat.

he knew the memories would come
I think that "the" doesn't belong there.

like a dormant virus
Comparisons. This is something I also noticed in "Merci". It's a style. I think it was Chandler who used a lot of comparisons in his Marlowe novels, and they worked great.
However, this one, with another comparison just in the previous paragraph, sort of stands out as a structure repetition. Especially when the next sentence starts with "Like".

then shook it off knowing
Sorry, but here you do need a comma before "knowing". You know, that English rule about a mandatory comma before a gerunde, after the main verb of the clause.

the ancient bastille
You're talking about the French castle to portray the fortress, right? Then "Bastille" should be capitalized, because it's not an English noun.

a ghostly ominous
"Ominous" is an adjective, so you're lacking a noun here, or maybe you meant "ghostly omen".

iron barred
This is a compound adjective, both words working together to modify "window", so they have to be hyphened: iron-barred window.

A lifetime of harsh environments had tanned his skin to tarnished leather.
I keep liking a lot your way with descriptions. All this paragraph is just great. And it makes me picture Sam leaning so close to the sleeping man's face in the dark, it gives me the creeps.

A child's cry once again reverberated through the stone corridors
Right where it is, the "once again" bumped me. Personally, I'd take it to the beginning or the end of the sentence.

A rush of air disturbed the serenity.
Oh, yeah, this definitely caused me a chill at the quick, silent move.

Scrawled across the bottom were the words—I love my job.
Man, he's wicked. By the way, the dash should be a colon.

The Flashback
All in all, great from beginning to end. And the best characterization for Sam. Now, going back to him in his Friday night, I'm so gonna see him with different eyes.

By the way, maybe you want to italize it? I mean, keeping in mind that you italized Merci's flashback-or at least part of it.

inscription: There are always possibilities.
The inscription text should be italized or between quotation marks.

Years had passed since Sam had ended the life of another human
This suggests he only killed one person, yet the flashback hints he was a pro who killed many. Maybe adding "last" should do? "since Sam had last ended".

Macanudo-hushed voice
What does this mean? I mean, "macanudo" is Argentinean slang from the 70's--actually, Buenos Aires slang, because it was hardly used in the rest of the country--and that's why I know the word. But it's the first time in my life (and I've been around quite a bit) that I find it outside informal conversations of porteños (people from Buenos Aires) in their fifties nowadays.


Okay, I'm having some very busy days these two weeks, so I'm gonna review the note later today or tomorrow.

Another great introduction to a totally different character.

I really enjoy how you drip information about them as you describe situations. So it's not just a bunch of info falling on the reader's mind all together like a rock. The idea of the character gradually takes shape as I read, in an almost subtile way.

This far, and I'm including Mikhail here, the three of them have their own voice and ways and lives. And that's just great.

With Sam you take it further, because you present both his past and his present, so different. And you left me hanging and wondering what went wrong on that mission that he ended up losing his leg. And what was that child's cry! But I'll hold my horses and wait for you to tell more about it, cos I'm sure you will. And that's fantastic.

So now I'm gonna fetch the bourbon Oz likes and wait for him to flight over and see what he has in store for Sam.

Read you around!

Hey, there, JJ!

Here we are to really start Threads in the Tapestry.

First sight:
Is that how Merci looks like? Wow, that's some very special look.

The quote:
Not a big fan of Nietzsche, but I gotta admit he can provide good quotes. However, as a woman, it's not very encouraging, beginning a chapter where the first words I read say I'm a blunder. Just saying

By the way, I think you should punctuate the quotes. In this case, it's only missing the period.

The first part

I really liked the introduction to this character. I like specially that you don't focus on physical descriptions, but on actions which show me how she is. In the end, that's all that matters. Unless she's about to be targeted by some serial because of how she looks, I'm all for this kind of characterization you provide here.

It flows well, and gives a lot of little bits of information about her and her place.
And I love the variety of vocabulary.

Her father's words:
Personally, I'm not into bold text along the narrative. I like italics for quotes. But that's only me.
If you make a whole bold paragraph of it, you can very well center it, to highlight it even more.

Words in other languages
*vista
*conga
*allegro tempo

Again, personally, I'm not into mixing words from another languages, even if they're usual in everyday speech.

If it's a character speaking, mixing languages works as characterization.
Funny story. Once, back in the late 70's, my elder brother was in LA, and heard a boy asking, "What are you doing?"
And his friend, a Hispanic boy, replied, "Deliberando groserías." Instead of "delivering grosseries", he said, literally, "pondering curses".
So I think it's interesting and funny, some healthy Spanglish in dialogues. But I find it a complete bump in the narrative.

I'm gonna give you an example in my own language: La casa tenía una magnífica view del puerto.
Ouch. Nope.

Every language is rich enough to need any other for narrative.

* About "conga", I think an avalanche/race/stampede of spiders down somebody's back causes more sympathy than a happy dance.

* How many people can picture what "allegro tempo" implies? I ask it because this kind of thing defines your target. And while many people would get "vista" and "conga", I think those who can get a classic music reference are a whole different target.
Have you ever read Umberto Eco? There you have an author who's a master in defining his readers target by vocabulary. It's love it or leave it, but it sure works.

Plus, I think the "allegro" bit, just like "conga", give a misleading feeling of the moment. Both words speak of something lively in a positive way, while you're trying to paint a moment of fear/horror/shock.
Personally, from my alien pov, I love "racing heart".

--after finishing the chapter, I didn't find any other foreign word around. Which makes these three stand out even more. Like, when writing this part, these words came to your mind. Then you took a break, and when resumed writing, the idea of using foreign words was just gone.

Manny
I think you should call the cat always like this. You're introducing a character, a situation. You don't give even this character's last name this far--yet you give two different names to a pet.
My suggestion for a super easy fix is striking the "Mandela" and leave it at "her cat". Because next thing is Merci calling him "Manny", and you keep calling it that.

The lunar-reflected shine of his eyes danced alone in the darkness, eyes not focused on her,
I think you don't need to repeat "eyes" here. Repetitions are meant to underline or highlight something. And I'm all for repetitions. But in this case, the repetition within the same sentence reads a little off.

Pain shot through her head, pain so intense it buckled her legs.
The same here. Personally I'd keep the repetition, but changing the comma to a period.
The suggestion stands for the third repetition, down below, with "message".

she thought, a shocking new precursor forewarning an onset?
I think the second part of Merci's thought should be a whole new sentence. To take me out of the tag and back to her mind in a smoother way.

the forced memory once again played in her head—a terrifying night from twenty-seven-years ago.
I would move "once again" after "her head", and strike "from"--maybe change it to a comma. And I think you don't need the second dash, because twenty-seven works as a compound adjective for years.

The flashback

The first part
Jeeeez, that was creeeeepy.
Loved that moment, because it worked to make me sympathize with Little Merci's fear.

I would italize the whole thing, to set it clearly apart from the situation where you started the chapter. Plus, having a part of it in regular font and another part in italics makes it look like something is not part of the flashback, but something else, which you don't clarify. Especially since you go back to regular font when she comes in.

lightening
Typo?

The Mustang
I completely assumed the old woman was talking about the person driving the car. Then you got me wondering if she was talking about the Wraith . I think it needs a couple of words to clarify that.
By the way, if she's actually talking about the Wraith, then the Mustang becomes a confusing element.


Back to present day

a marathon of weakness
I think this is a beautiful kind of oximoron.
Marathon speaks of energy, motion and resistance, while Merci's weakness as she crawls to her bed has nothing to do with any of the things "marathon" conjures.

followed by a more customary emotion rising in her throat
Question: is it an emotion or a physical sensation?

an overstuffed chair
You've already mentioned an overstuffed recliner, and "overstuffed" is not a word that goes unnoticed, so the repetition stands out.

its master's behavior
You've already referred to the cat as "him", so I think you should settle for one pronoun and stick to it.

There must have been a solar flare last night,
Okay, this totally hooked me. Paranormal experiences triggered by natural events sounds great!

Why hadn't Roger called? Why didn't he warn her?
This is in italics, as part of Merci's thoughts. Yet it's in third person and in past perfect, like it's actually narrative.

Hit the ground running Merci, and don't look back.
Okay, I know what you told me about commas. But you really need one in the first clause. Else, there's no telling what "running" is modifying--because maybe Merci's father said this to a "running-Merci", a Merci trying to run away from the events. I mean, I know the saying, but no matter how subjective commas may be, they exist to mark pauses. And there's a pause that's not reflected, and where it falls changes the meaning of the whole sentence.

the melodic voice of Annie Lenox
This made me like Merci a lot more.

the open-air shower
I think this deserves a little description/explanation/clarification.
Is she naked in her yard? In plain view? Or does she live in a secluded place, no neighbors around? Or is her house surrounded by trees? Or she just doesn't care if anybody sees her? When she sits, "water pools around her navel". Is the shower in some kind of tube that stores the falling water? Or is she more laying back than sitting?
It's just like I couldn't get the picture. I mean I did pictured the scene, but it felt a little weird.

About this part of the setting
I think that if you ask anybody from anywhere else what weather-related word comes to mind when they hear "Seattle", nine out of ten will say "rain". And if you ask them to pick "warm" or "cold" for "Washington State", they will pick "cold".

So, all this part is a little baffling. Especially when you mention a sort of warm west wind. Meaning from the Pacific Ocean, right? Usually, the wind blowing from the sea--any sea--is rather cool or straight cold, unless you're between tropics in a hot summer. But maybe that island has some sort of unique weather. Or Merci feels it in a special way due to some very personal and particular feature, like her special skin.

Water pooled around her navel, where a vivid green and red dragon seemed to grapple for purchase as it emerged from a dark pool onto an arctic ice flow, sparking the memory of her father granting permission to have an aging Chinese ink artist affix the colorful image to her taut nine-year-old belly-button.
Ha! I dare you to read these six clauses aloud, pausing only at the commas and giving all the text in between commas, and from comma to period, the exact same tone.

She applied the KIWI waterproofing grease
This should be past perfect, since it happened before the moment you're telling in past simple.
She'd applied...

Oh, by the way. Capitalized words read as shouts nowadays, thanks to social networks. So the "don't shoot the cat" bit, and now this "kiwi", are bumps--why is JJ yelling at me? Or why does Merci yell at that poor cat? If "kiwi" is the brand, you should italize it, or at least use quotation marks.


Okay, this is a hell of an introduction for Merci. I have no idea what will happen to her from now on, but I sure wanna know.

There's so much information, like little waterdrops suspended in the air. And that main, dreadful thing of her "events"! Not only how this one knocks her down, and the flashback, and then how she sort of passes out. And everything working to suggest something big is coming.

The final words are a great hook.

The name of the next chapter hints it's gonna be a little while until I meet Merci again, but I will sure be waiting for that moment. So as far as the goal of this first chapter about her, mission totally accomplished!

So I'll get ready to see what you have in store for me next. Because I have Mikhail stranded on that mysterious island with an invisible barrier, 250 years ago. And now this young woman that seems to be so speciall in many different ways. So I definitely want more!

Just in case: reply whenever you can, I'll keep going even if you don't answer by next week.

Hope you're having a great week!

Read you around!

Hi, there!

I was browsing the "Detective" genre and came across your story.

First Impression
Hand to heart? It was, "Dammit! He's gonna frigging get away with it!"
Meaning you kept me hooked from line one to the end, waiting to see what happens.

Plot/Flow
You have a good pace, and somehow instill the stress of the situation.
You also know how to balance three important elements: the setting, Michael's background information, and unfolding the situation. This makes your story a waxed slide for readers to keep reading.

There are no holes in the plot. And you give only enough information to keep it a whole, and don't leave loose ends. Another big GOOD for you.

Characterization
Good, again. In a way, Michael remains a mstery. Yet, we get to know enough about him to understand what he did, and see how he deals with this questioning. You paint a good picture of him. I mean, he's awful and I wish a truck runs over him as soon as he steps out of the police station. But my wishing it only prooves your characterization worked just fine.

Dialog
They flow well, and you keep the voices as I expected. The cops talk like cops. Michael talks like a civilian. That's just priceless.

Which is more important in your story is the inner dialogue, and that you managed great. Because is this inner dialogue which allows the reader to actually find out about what Michael did. And there's no confirmation that he actually did something to the redhead, but hey, you say enough to let us guess his hands are far from clean--I mean, he was dragging a body, right?

You used inner dialogue as your #1 tool to provide background data and characterization. And that is being good at using your tools.


Grammar, Structure

Here things were a little muddier. There's missing punctuation, and paragraphs that should be split in two, and repetitions.
If you fix that, you'll have a 6-star item.

Here's what I found along the reading:

memories flashed through his mind thinking about
You need to insert a comma before the gerunde:
memories flashed through his mind, thinking about...

anything to worry about he thought.
Here you need a a comma to separate the different instances of the sentence--what he thinks from the action of thinking. Like a dialogue without the quotation marks:
anything to worry about, he thought.

it had brought him out of his trance
I think that here you need to change the tense to simple past. Because what brings him out of his trance is something happening right there and then, not something that happened before. He's lost in thought, his leg aches and the aching startles him back to reality.
it brought him out of his trance.

He looked around
You start the paragraph with these words, and then repeat them two sentences later, which makes the repetition stand out.

cooler in the room
Another repetition. You just used "room" in the previous sentence, so you don't need to use it again here. At least not like this. Maybe "across the room" would help you get away with the repetition. Else you need to replace it ("against the wall", "in the corner", etc.) or just strike it out.

to take a seat. "Have a seat Mr Mortram,
Here you repeat "seat" withing three words.
Maybe the detective can motion for Michael "to sit down".
Also, you need a comma before the "Mr.", and add the missing period to the abbreviation.
So it could read like this:
to sit down. "Have a seat, Mr. Mortram,..."

from the small of his back climbing all the way
Comma needed before the gerunde:
from the small of his back, climbing all the way...

as the picture of the young red head woman was shown to him.
Two things about this:
First, the passive voice. There are people who consider passive voice a deadly sin. I'm not that radical, but I agree that sometimes it weakens a sentence. That's what I felt here.

Also, "readhead" is a noun, and it goes all together. Here you mean it like an adjective, so it would be "redheaded", also together.

So this could read:
"...as they showed him the picture of a redheaded woman."


Michael fought within himself to maintain his cool composure. Micheal shifted uncomfortably in his seat.
Here you're repeating "Michael" too soon.
And I think I would expect these actions to be in the opposite order: first he shifts in his chair, a little jolt at seeing the picture; and then struggles to get a grip on himself.
Personally, I'd make this only one sentence, since the actions are related.
So it could read:
Micheal shifted uncomfortably in his seat, and fought within himself to maintain his cool composure.

"So Michael, We are currently
A missing comma and a misplaced capitalization:
"So, Michael, we are currently..."
Also, if they just called him Mr. Mortram, and do it again a few lines later, why use his first name now?
If that's characterization for the detectives, you're opening a gap of information about them that needs to be filled. One keeps a formal, distant tone. The other plays it cool and informal, or more friendly. Maybe you can fix that by having Michael think that they're playing the good-cop, bad-cop routine on him.

11 April 2014?" Keeping his voice steady and calm he told
Here you need to make the question mark a full stop and send the "keeeing his voice" part to another paragraph, because it's a dialogue and you're changing speaker.
...11 April 2014?"
Keeping his voice steady and calm he told...

the police don't know was
Here you need to make the tenses match:
the police didn't know was...
or
the police don't know is...

verify this Mr Mortram?"
Again, you need a comma before his name, and add the missing period to the abbreviation.
verify this, Mr. Mortram?

Michael nodded. "Yes we have swipe cards
At first read, it looks for a moment like the detective keeps talking after Michael nodded.
Remember that, in a dialog, you need to give each speaker their own paragraph. So you need a full stop when the detective finishes his question and before this.
Also, you need a comma after the "yes". Check it, if you say it aloud, you will pause after the "yes", you won't say it all in the same tone.
"Yes, we have..."

clock ins and clock outs
Here you need to hyphen the compound nounds:
clock-ins and clock-outs

"I see....
Again, you need a full stop after the quotation mark right before this, and make this the beginning of a new paragraph.

His mind drifted back to that night as his leg throbbed once more helping him to remember the scratch he got on his leg dragging the body through the fence. "Mr Mortram, the DNA..." Michael zoned back into the present. "Yes I can give you a sample" he whispered.

A couple of things about this last paragraph.

*It's actually three different paragraphs: what Michael remembers, what the detective says, what Michael replies.
*The first sentence it's just too long, lacking any kind of punctuation or conjunction. If you read it aloud, you'll run out of breath about halfway. Remember that punctuation is what allows the reader to spot what's important information, what's additional description, etc.
* There's a missing comma before the gerunde "helping", so there you have a pause. And at reading it, the second gerunde sort of threw me off right as it is, because it puts "dragging the body" in the same moment with "helping him to remember". But I think you can fix that just by adding a "while", which would also provide the second necessary pause in this long sentence. Personally, I would add a comma too, just to let the reader breathe. Or I would strike the "on his leg", since we already know which part of Michael's body is aching.
*You're missing the period after the abbreviation. And you can add a question mark, since the detectives are actually expecting an answer from him.
*You're missing one comma after the "yes" and another to close what Michael says, before the pronoun.

So, all in all, this could read:

His mind drifted back to that night as his leg throbbed once more, helping him to remember the scratch he got while dragging the body through the fence.
"Mr. Mortram, the DNA...?"
Michael zoned back into the present. "Yes, I can give you a sample," he whispered.

And that would be it.

Note that all the things I pointed here are just formal details.
That means the story on itself is well worked. You pulled it out great.
You don't need to revise characterization, style, pace, flow. You don't need to change the plot.
So you got the most important part alright.
And that's why these formal details stand out. Because I wasn't wondering and trying to understand the tale you're telling.

I always think that while writing, we're just too focused on pushing out the story from our head and onto the screen or the paper. That's just so all-absorbing. We're worried about this thing stirring in our heads that we want to tell.

So we can always take advantage of the reviews, the "outsider's eye", as I call it, to bring our attention to this kind of thing we just can't see while writing.

It made a great reading, and it left me wanting to come across this Michael on the street, when I'm on my car if possible

Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

Monica

Hi, there!

I just found your chapter at the Plug Page, and since I'm into writing detective fiction myself, I'm always eager to see how other people deal with this genre.

This is a very personal opinion, but whenever I pick a new story to read and it's written in present tense, I can't help thinking of the Twilight and the Fifty Shades sagas, both written in present--and I think they're the lousiest narrative I've ever took a look at.

I can't help feeling stories written in present are aimed at young people, who may find boring or dull being forced to deal with anything but the simplest form of language.
Unless the choice of present tense is directly connected with something intentional about the style, I always go for the past tense.

Another thing that I noticed at reading hardly two sentences, is that you need a good revision at your punctuation.

Here, let's see:

Detective Sergeant Sam Hamilton is standing outside the rear of the Police Station with one of the uniformed sergeants' having a cigarette. Just as they are passing the time of day a 1972 dark blue Rover P5B that is synonymous with Detective Chief Inspector Charlie Thornton comes into the yard and parks opposite from them in its allocated space.

"Oh look out Sam, 'Ere comes the boss." Says the uniformed Sergeant.

Besides the present tense thing, you need to keep always a sharp eye on what things you choose to tell, or describe. A story is a motion picture in your head, and you pick what to share about it, right? And how. Which is usually the paramount thing about storytelling.

So this Just as they are passing the time of day sound just lazy on your side, not theirs. You just said they're smoking, right? And you finish the first sentence stating it. So unless they start some other activity, you don't need to go back to what they're doing right at the beginning of the next sentence. You've already stated who and what. So on to the next thing that moves the story forward.

If Thornton's car model is capitol to the story, or to the characterization--like you're getting to the point of saying, for example, "the Rover drove around the corner" to state Thornton is arriving somewhere--then the detailed account of the model is fine, because you're actually introducing a character of sorts. And in that case, you need to correctly hyphen the compound modifiers.

Don't be afraid of commas and semicolons and stuff. They're better than flooding a long sentence with conjunctions to articulate the clauses without a single pause, which leaves the reader out of mental breath--like it would happen to you if you read it aloud.

So if you ask me how I would like this paragraph to read (and that's all this is: how I'd like it to read like), I'd say:

Detective Sergeant Sam Hamilton and one of the uniformed sergeants stood outside the rear of the Police Station, having a cigarette. A 1972 dark-blue Rover P5B -synonymous with Detective Chief Inspector Charlie Thornton- drove into the yard and parked opposite from them, in its allocated space.

"Oh, look out, Sam. 'Ere comes the boss," the uniformed sergeant said.


You also need to pay attention to what you choose to use as a tag verb. They're my frigging nightmare. In Spanish --my native language-- you can use pretty much any verb as a tag verb. But you guys, English speakers, are very picky about this particular issue.

A very few and bold writers dare to use anything as a tag verb, but the vast majority of authors don't. And even among them, there are two sides: those who only consider correct "say", "reply" and "ask", and those who allow themselves to try some variations.
Personally, I go for and with them.
However, keep in mind that a tag verb is, basically, a verb that describes the action of forming speech with one's mouth.
So, for example, "chuckle" is not a tag verb. It's a variation of laughter, but not the action of voicing speech. You speak while chuckling. And you can still use "chuckle" as some sort of tag verb if you adapt the punctuation.

So instead of:

Sam chuckles, "Yeah... well that's the Boss for ya!"

You change the comma to a period:

Sam chuckles. "Yeah... well that's the Boss for ya!"

And ta-da! You keep the chuckle and nobody can accuse you of using "chuckle" as a tag verb and send you to the gallows.
English-speaking publishers are very picky about this kind of things.

If you really mean to become a professional writer, and have your stories accepted to be published, you need to keep a very keen eye on details. The way you present your story is as paramount as the story itself.

Give it a proper format, and don't show it out until you've burned your eyelids checking you're not missing any typo that automated correction wouldn't detect.

For example:
"There is a receptacle for that on the wall Boss rather than on the floor!" Offers Sam helpfully.

"Offers" is working as a tag verb, so it shouldn't be capitalized.
So these are the options why this is capitalized:
Your software has the option enabled to automatically capitalize after a period. So it read the exclamation mark as a period and turned the o to O and you didn't notice or you didn't revise the text.
Or you don't knot that tag verbs shouldn't be capitalized when following a dialog line.
Or you don't mean it as a tag verb but you actually worded the sentence like it is one.

That's what a plain reviewer as myself can pick up from a misplaced capitalization. And this is not the only one along the chapter. So you can picture what a publisher could pick up.

I'm not going to get into the content itself, because I think you still need to revise this and work on the shape, the form in which you deliver the story.

Only a well-delivered story can be appreciated.

I'm only going to say I liked it. Else I wouldn't be investing all this time in such a long review only about forms. You have something good. But you need to decide how much time you're willing to give to it.

Revising is a nightmare, is boring, is the worst thing for a writer. But if we expect people to spend their energy --their money, their time, their attention-- on our stories, the least we can do is spend all of our energy first, to give them something they can actually relax and enjoy.

So check the spelling, check and correct the punctuation, burn your eyelids on this baby of yours. But do it yourself. And then you can honestly expect good detailed reviews, and attention and energy invested by others on your story. And you'll get all of it, if you hold your end of the deal.

I really hope you'll revise this and correct those little form errors, to let the story shine through. Because, again, I totally believe this is a story worth telling.

Oh, and of course you're more than welcome to my port, to take it back on any of my items

Never give up. Always keep writing! You got it in you. Let it out!!

Read you around!

Monica

Hi there, once more!

This would be my last review for the GoT raid.

On a personal note, it was good to find that Ps note, saying you were well, your pain was gone, and you were right about to resume your exercises.
Hope that nowadays it all turned out right and no other health issue popped up to mess around your life.
Still on the personal note, remember that our bodies are but reflections of our feelings and state of mind. And so are many things that happen to us. So beware, if you expect something to pop up, even as a tiny echo in the back of your mind, something will pop up, sure as hell.

This item is very much like a journal entry, so there's no way to talk about plots and charazterization and stuff.
About the way it is written, it's very good. You have a plain, straight way to say things, and I like that. No beating around the bushes, this is how things are. It shows you're not afraid to face them just as they are.

The only thing that felt a little muddled was how you use the tenses, because you use present for things that already happened, and then jump to a past perfect--skipping the simple past as the natural step back for a flashback from present tense. Then you go back to simple past to pick up on what you were saying in present.

These are a couple of things I found along the reading, in case you feel like revising:

staring off into nothingness trying to grasp
You need a comma to separate the instances of the sentence.
staring off into nothingness, trying to grasp...

gets into my way.
The "into" here read off for me. "Into" makes me think of moving from outside to inside, so I felt like something getting inside you way, instead of in the way.

no matter what the task I set for myself my plans are always interrupted
Again, another comma needed to separate the clauses
no matter what the task I set for myself, my plans are always interrupted.

the doctors knew for what disease if any they were trying to treat me
Here "if any" is meant as a clarification, so it should be between commas.
the doctors knew for what disease, if any, they were trying to treat me.

weigh
Typo here: final "t" missing.

And that would be all!
I really enjoyed every minute I spent in your port.
I love your voice and your way to say things.

Thanks a lot for sharing!
Monica

House Martell

Hi there, again!

This is the second review for the GoT raid.

And lo! Here, the person who wrote Do Not Enter managed to make it through alive!

This poem is the other side of the coin, the will to live and heal, the desire of feeling better, the determination to fight.

The rhyme is different, and the rhythm bumps a little, but it's anyway a beautiful message. Something all those poor souls locked up in their mind dungeons should read. To know it's possible, to ignite again the frail flame of hope.

There's also a mature look at the road so far, acknowledging the good and the hard times, the mistakes, the steps that led here.

I think the key lines are "My existence no longer appealing/It is now a time for healing". And it is great that you end it with almost the same line, but in another tense, that "This has been a time for healing".

A brand new day to start off a brand new life, not forgetting the darkness just left behind, and being able to appreciate better the gifts of being alive.

Another beautiful poem that chance made me pick, to get the 180 turn you reflect.

Thanks for sharing and keep writing!

Monica
House Martell

Hi there!

I'm doing this review as a part of GoT's raid.

Funny, how this looks like an attempt to scare everybody away, yet for me, it's a desperate cry for help.
The way you describe this dark dungeon of the mind, is like a list of things to fight, change, overcome, in order to stay alive and sane.

And I like that. Like the title, which was what made me click with a smirk--"Do not enter", yeah, sure, click. Here I am, see?

So in the very same way the title is too much of a temptation for anybody with a little rebel spark left in their blood, the description of the dungeon is the overwhelmed account of all the things one cannot deal with alone.

"Please, dare come in. Help me bring some light to this gloomy mind of mine. Help me clean the skeletons off the closet, and uncover what's underneath the rugs. Gift me with your help, lift my spirit, scare away the demons, help my mind to be a whole again."

I also liked the rhythm that the rhyme gives. It's like coming down a stair, pausing at the landings to look down the dusty hallways of the dungeon.

A very brave, human and beautiful poem.
Thanks for sharing!

Monica
House Martell

Hi there, again!

This is another review for the GoT raid.

About the content:
This is a hard poem to read on its own, and these days, with what just happened in Charleston, it becomes like an urgent prayer.
The fear inspired in external differences. The fear that becomes awkwardness, that ends up turning into anger. The rejection just for the sake of it. The senseless hate born from that childish fear. Childish and deadly, since it drives to violence.
And violence only spawns more violence. The incomprehensible murder makes the righteous cry out loud for an exemplar punishment. The more violent the better.
And your poem reflects all that.
And the pain. That mother's pain.
As you say, how can anybody even begin to imagine what Trayvon's mother felt, what she still feels. I'm a mother, and I know the black hole of burning-cold fear at the very idea of any harm being done to my son. But maybe because I'm a mother, I just can't think what it would be like, losing him.

About the form:
I loved the way the Fibonacci sequence, straight and back, gives it a very special rhythm. The verses ending in one word, followed by another one-word line, and from them growing again in length, adds a unique strength to the message.

Also the way you used italics. Works like a hammer. It doesn't strain the words--it hammers them.

This is a great, great poem.

Thanks for sharing!

Monica

Hi, there!
I'm reviewing this item for the GoT raid.

Oh, the fascination of accursed objects!

At first, this story reminded me of a movie from the 90's, "The War of the Roses", with Mallory's love for her figurines and a marriage quietly falling apart.
I like that old movie, but I also liked this supernatural twist.

The plot flows perfect, and you keep it to only two characters, which is the best for a short story like this.
It's good to have a while from Mallory's pov at the beginning, to get an idea of the situation. And then the switch to Brad's pov to become unkowing witnesses with him.
There's hardly any dialogue, only the necessary, and that's also great. These characters doesn't need to develope a voice of their own that way, and their actions and reactions portray them well enough.

Maybe I'm a little dumb, but I didn't quite get the end.
I mean, I understand what happened to Mallory. You give enough hints to figure it out. But Brad dying was a surprise, because there's nothing to hint it or explain it. He doesn't display any of the signs Mallory displayed, and moving the story from his pov, is expectable that he would notice if a part of his body suddenly felt like glass or china. Plus, the last figurine having only one rose in her hand suggests only one victim.

However, all in all it's a great story, and I enjoyed the reading big time.

Thanks for sharing!

Monica

Hi, there!

First of all, happy anniversary!
Sure you'll be flooded by reviews today, hope you enjoy the swell.

This is one striking story.
As I read it, I couldn't help thinking about so many kids, all over the word, that are put through such a terrible experience due to war. And not by the hand of mysterious creatures, but by the hand of ordinary men--sometimes more cruel and vicious than any demon we may fancy.

I liked how you set a happy, carefree tone to it at the beginning, to make a stark contrast with what comes later on.
You manage to give the right amount information about the setting without overwhelming the reader, and that helps the reading to flow better.

If you ever consider to revise this, you should take a look at the punctuation. There are too many too-long sentences without any comma or semi-colon to provide a pause, or separate the different clauses or elements within them. This lack of punctuation keeps the reader from really getting the meaning of a sentence until they read it to the end, and sometimes read it over, to make sure what the important bit was, and what was additional information--like modifiers.
You also need to hyphen to the compound adjectives, to point them as such, apart from what they're modifying.

Here I copy+pasted two examples:

sun baked field
This should be sun-baked field.

Dropping the reins of the sled we both dashed toward home as the screams continued to echo out.
Here you need two commas. The important bit is "we both dashed toward home", so you need to separate it from the additional parts.
Like this:
Dropping the reins ofthe sled, we both dashed toward home, as the screams continued to echo out.

I was reading at your port that you've been away for a while.
Good you're back, and that you're getting back the taste for posting and reviewing!

Thanks for sharing!

Monica

Hi, there!

First of all, Happy Anniversary!!

First Impression:
I liked right away the theme you chose. It's both interesting and unusual, at least among my readings.
Like the saying goes, "if these wall could speak". Well, here it is. What they think, these old parts of a home. Because they may not be part of the house, but they sure are part of these people's home.

Plot/Content:
It's nice how you come and go over different issues, like any conversation among friends would go. You have a nice, calm pace, and the story flows without bumps.
I like stories driven by dialogue, so I enjoyed this one, when there's hardly any narrative.

Characters:
They're a lot, and they only get one shot to show up. However, you manage different voices for all of them.

Dialogue:
It flows in a very natural way, and what they say agrees with the brief description you give of the speaker's nature.

Grammar/Structure:
Good, without any serious issue. Again, your pace flows perfectly and it's an easy reading without bumps.
The only things I noticed were a few missing commas and some repetition of words that, being one too close to the next, stand out.
Here I copy+pasted the few things I found:

Repetitions that stand out:
They had developed a bit of an inferiority complex as a result./there was quite a bit of stone left.
This repetition has only one sentence in between.

Eleven, we’ve talked this over for over fifty years now,
Suggestion: Eleven, we've been talking about this for over fifty years now

That always amused me; I always
Suggestion: That amused me every time; I always...

Commas that are so usually missed:
Well for starters,
Well, for starters,...

Yes that’s true.
Yes, that's true.

Wording:
Arch will agree with me I’m sure in what I’m saying.
The "I'm sure" in that part of the sentence causes a little bump, not beeing between commas.
I think that if it was at the beginning of the sentence would read eaiser:
I'm sure Arch will agree with me in what I'm saying.
Another option is striking the "in what I'm saying."

And that would be it!
A very nice, pleasant reading.

Thanks for sharing and once more, Happy Anniversary!

Monica

House Martell

Hi, there!

I'm doing this review as a part of the GoT raid.

First Impression:
This story is just like Anna's memory: bittersweet.
And I liked how what seems to be a night adventure just for fun, turns out to be something deeper.

Plot/Content:
You have a nice pace to tell the story, and you don't fall into idle moments. You give only the necessary descriptions for the readers to get the idea of the situation, and let them fill in any gap there might be.
Maybe I would've liked to have a hint about Anna's age. It's not a capital piece of information, but it would help for characterization.
One thing I specially liked is how you made me read it in a low mental voice. This is a tale to whiper, not to tell out loud.
And after whispering and sneaking until you took me to the tiger's back, there comes that touch of sorrow when memories take hold of Anna. And how doing this is the only link left to somebody she loved.

Grammar/Structure
Perfect. No problems with grammar, the punctuation is exactly what the story needs, and there are no typos or missing words to throw off the attention from the reading.

A very, very nice short story.

Thanks for sharing!

Monica

And here goes the third review for the GoT raid.

Oh, those bittersweet epyphanies!
That lashing moment when you see it all so clear, than you even see how you screwed up.
I like that you finish it with a hint of hope, though. "It was my responsability to rebuild it."

It's funny, when somebody throws a truth to our face like this, how we realize that, in a certain way, we've known all along.

As the two items I read before, this is yet another thing entirely.
What it does share with the other two is that it's right to the point.
However, in this item I did find some things distracting me.
I'm talking about the description of the other character's moves.
There's not a clear image of who they are, or where they are. Yet there's a lot of detailed description of this chars' movements. He goes up the wall, he jumps down, he looks at me, he keeps looking at me. And there are a couple of sentences that, trying to offer a detailed image, end up being too long.
My personal opinion is that the more words you invest to say something, the more important you make it in the readers eyes.
Take a look at this:
“Yes!” He turned, jumped up on the half wall that he was moments ago leaning against, and wiggled his finger in the air above his head. Slowly, his finger descended, halting a mere inch from the tip of my nose. “However, I can not point you in the direction of the answer you seek.”
See how many words you use to describe physical movements that don't indicate intention or emotion or anything related to the dialogue. Actions that don't add to the story.
And see how many words you use for what he says.
This suggests that his jumping on the wall is more important than what he says. But actually it's not. So it's distracting, it's trying to steal away the reader's attention from what really matters: what he's saying.

Also, you start like promising something you don't even mention later on. And that really surprised me, being you.
The moment you state he has all this power over you, suggests the interaction and dialogue will lead to something between you two. I'm not talking romace. I'm talking another kind of dialogue, or he convincing you of something you don't agree at first. Something to show that power you highlight. But that is absent. And his words throw your mind away, from him and his power over you.
If that's the prove of his power, it should be stated somehow.

Oh! And there's only one typo on the whole text. Bad thing is the very first sentence:
He looked me strait in the eye.
It should be "straight", right?

I liked it a lot, like the other things I read at your port tonight. And found my moral and my pondering to do about it.

Again: I'm really happy the raid brought me here, because I enjoyed big time reading your work.
You have a master hand for words.

Thanks for sharing!

Monica
House Martell

Hi, there!

Here I am, back for the second review for the GoT Raid.
And no elegance this time. I'm enjoying this trip to your port big time, finding different stories, different genres, different voices.

This one is a very rough, raw piece. And you match the tone, just like you did for The Dance.
No playing around here. This is straight, raw, no intention to hide the cruel situation. Down to the bitter end.

Once more, I find a perfectly presented story, with the right flow and the right place. The words of choice match it, no fancy descriptions. A lot more information, but only the necessary.

The spacing allows an easier reading, bouncing back and forth in time. The characterization is neat and efficient: both characters are different to the bone and it shows in their speech and actions.

The grammar and punctuation is good, and once again, there are no major bumps, no idle moments.

Disclosure: when Jolene notices the warning on the pills bottle, I thought she was going to use them on herself. And I was more than glad when I found out she didn't. Ha! Enjoy your beer, Ed.

The inevitable conclusion: snow-ball situations never have an easy ending. When you let things build up, the only way out is always violent. Bad thing Jolene--as so many women in her situation--doesn't have the courage to just leave. As of fifteen years before this night. Funny. It's not easy, taking a life. Yet it's easier than doing what's better for you at the right time.

These are the few things I found along the reading:

a real live shotgun wedding.
This should be "life" instead of "live", and the compound adjective should be hyphened.
a real-life shotgun wedding.

Ed had driven truck
I think this should be Ed had driven a truck...

moved in almost a week. She was almost shocked
"Almost" is repeated within only six words. So it stands out.

pain pills the doctor had given her for pain,
This felt sort of redundant, pain pills for her pain.

The front of his paints
A little typo here, this should be "pants", right?

Alright, I'm rubbing my hands together, thinking I still have one more to go.
What are you keeping in store for me? I have no idea, but I'm already sure it's gonna be good!

Thanks for sharing!

Monica

Hi there, again.

This piece is so sweet! And as your choice of genre indicates: it's inspirational.
Artists, no matter what kind of art they perform, have always the power to affect people's life with their work.
And Buddy Holly certainly did! How many boys he might have inspired with his music!
However, what I find the more inspirational about this story is Billy.
I love his firm resolution at Holly's death, this "Well, we can’t let that happen."
That's just how great things get started. Somebody finds inspiration, feels the need to do something. And one good day, something makes them shrug and say "Well, let's do it." And there they go, to change the world.

That's, no doubt, what I like more about this story. This taking the best out of the bad. Sure Billy is touched and sad about Holly's tragedy. Yet he uses it as a reason to get started.

That you choose to have your character do that, instead of sitting to mourn and say, "Oh, the radio and the newspapers are right, music is death now he's gone!" . That is the most inspirational bit of the story.

Just like in Conscripted, here I also found those long sentences you like.
I picked one as example:
Billy strides into the kitchen humming a perky tune and gives his mother a peck on the cheek as she stands at the stove preparing breakfast.
This would read easier, and better, split in two. Plus, you're missing the commas you need before the verb+ing. Like this:
Billy strides into the kitchen, humming a perky tune. He gives his mother a peck on the cheek as she stands at the stove, preparing breakfast.

Oh, and I found this typo, a quotation mark that infiltrated your ranks in the middle of the dialogue line:
...when he sang ‘Donna’.” When...

Again, this is a sweet inspirational story. And it's you who make it like that.

Thanks for sharing!

Monica

House Martell

Hi, there!

This is a good funny piece.
I really liked the characterization of our emotions and inner voices.
The way you wrote it keeps the pace of how you show Stoicism is, keeping always his pov to tell the story.
I also liked how you don't drop out all the information right away, but let the situation and the dialogues explain what's going on.
Your choice of words is very formal, which gives the tale a serious tone.
The dialogues flow well, they move on the story, and are balanced with the narrative.
The grammar is good. However, I think there are some sentences that get too long, in order to describe several things happening at the same time.
Here's an example:
Meanwhile, Self-Confidence and Courage were periodically cheering on both Love and Lust, who couldn't seem to decide whether to find Shame in tandem or waste their energies on one another.
This could very well be two sentences, which would make it easy for the reader to get the scene without running out of mental breath.
Meanwhile, Self-Confidence and Courage were periodically cheering on both Love and Lust. These two couldn't seem to decide whether to find Shame in tandem, or waste their energies on one another.

Here are a few things a copy+pasted along the reading, for you to take a look at it if you feel like it.

was having a Very. Bad. Night.
I think it's not a happy choice, using periods to strain something in the middle of a sentence. They're great to do it, but when the words stressed by the periods and the capitalization are all there is in the sentence.
Like: "Go. To. Hell," he said. Else, the capitalized Very, popping out all of a sudden, doesn't work out that fine. Italics would be a good alternative to highlight those words.
Stoicism was having a very bad night.

WORST!
If this is not a dialogue when a character is yelling, capitalizing a whole word causes the same effect as a shout to the readers face.
The word itself is enough to emphasize how bad it is having Fear around. You don't need to shout it on the reader's face.

Logic said as soon as Stoicism had entered the control room.
Here the tenses don't match. You should use the same for both actions.
Logic said as soon as Stoicism entered the control room.
or
Logic had said as soon as Stoicism had entered the control room.

leave an on call number,
You need to hyphen compound adjetives like this one: an on-call number.

Stoicism nodded his head.
Two things here.
One: you can only nod your head, so clarifying "his head" is a little redundant.
Two: you overuse the word "nodded" all over the story, from sentence to sentence. You should find another way to describe they're pointing out something or agreeing.

There had never been so many of them all in one place.
There's no apparent reason for this in bold letters.
Reading on, I guessed you were referring to all the Emotes at the factory floor. But this far, you have only mentioned Logic, Stoicism and Fear together at the control room. You haven't even mentioned a riot or a fight at the factory floor, and you don't clarify it either with what comes next after this sentence.

the chaos of the room seemed to have begun to coalesce
Here you have three verbs--one of them a phrasal--and repeat the word "to" within only six words, which makes the sentence read off.
And, once more, since you haven't mentioned what's going on at the factory floor this far, this sentence seems to be about the three Emotes at the control room.

And that would be all.
Again, loved the imaginery and enjoyed the trip to what could be anybody's brain.

Happy Anniversay and thanks for sharing!

Monica

Hi there, again!

Reading this item right after Frozen made me feel this was some sort of sequel. Like the final drifting away from Frozen led here.
Your pace and your vocabulary changes from Frozen to this one, much closer to The Question. The calm pace and the poetic choice of words, that leaves out the emotional distress in Frozen.

This is a completely different kind of postcard. One of somebody trying to escape reality, and how the others see her, by building up walls of silence around her. Like she feels this is the best way to "retain the last of her sanity".
However, you cannot shut the world out, no matter how wrong it is, or how much it may hurt. And you show you know that.
Here you portray a struggle meant to fail. And it's funny, how the calm sytle you chose for this tries to deny the stress underlying that knowledge.
And your writing feels like a pendulum, first you tell about one of her attempts to isolate and defend herself, then you say it doesn't quite work.
It's very much how anybody's mind works in the end, moving to and fro, trying and failing and trying again. Which is plain great.
Just like your other items I've read, I loved it.

Only one suggestion:
Tranquility of her soul will not be granted, for the gentle breeze carries her soul in a direction she was unaware of.
Here you repeat "soul" too soon. Maybe changing the second instance for "it" or something like that would work to correct it. I think "carries her" can also work.

Once again, thanks for sharing!
I'm really happy your port was chosen for the raid, giving me the chance to enjoy your writing.

Monica
House Martell

Hey, looks like every time I'm looking for something to read, I end up picking one of your items, without realizing they're yours until I'm finished.

So this is very different from Strange Awakening, yet I loved it all the same.
It's so realistic and down-to-earth. And as a parent, I was feeling so related to poor Elliot. That guilt you feel when your kids do something wrong, or when something wrong happens to them. Or when the car or something at home breaks. And the angst of knowing you need to get more money to keep your family from need.

All so realistic.
Well, I wouldn't go out to steal, no matter how desperate. But that's still such a realistic desperate reaction.

And then, ta-da!
The spell.
And Elliot absorbing it.
Wait, what?
And then you complete the information about all what's happened to him.

I'm still laughing!
It was just such a great plot twist!

You're always very careful about how you deliver the setting information, but here you totally excelled!
As usual, your voice matches the story, the plot flows without a single bump, and the grammar and structures are just perfect.

So what else can I say?
Another gem in your portfolio!

Thanks for sharing your great writing!

Monica

Hi there!

First Impression
I picked this item to read because I was curious about the description.
Living in a mountain area, where fall is a blessing of colors and misty sights, I understand the character being driven to wander in the woods at that time of the year. That magic week or two every year, full of red and yellow and even silver.

Style and Voice
You have a calm pace that matches the story, taking time to describe the surroundings and how the character feels.

Plot
I like how it builds up, from the first encounter with the hunter to the disturbing end of the second encounter. I also like that he sees the character as well, and they interact.

Suggestions:
I copy+pasted some things along the read for you to check.

Other than these, only two things.
One: the story gets a little confussing from the moment when the character follows the natives from the creek. It looks like he/she follows them back into the forest, but then there are references about the character being still at the creekbank. So I ended up wondering where he/she was.
Two: check the format. Double blank space between the paragraphs usually points that you've "changed scene", from one setting to another, or to indicate some time passed from one paragraph to the next, but you use them as regular space between them.

Now to the little list.

The yellow mass breath-taking for today and maybe tomorrow
I think there's a missing verb here.

and at some point his survival it
Another missing verb here? Maybe "depended on"?

shrugging his shoulders
You can only shrug your shoulders, so it's a little redundant.

lose some
You use these two words as one adjective, so they should be hyphened: lose-some.

He disappeared through a screen of fir branches and some hundred years.
This is my favorite line of your story. Loved it.

It was as I had hoped and somewhat feared, the hunter’s arrow.
Here you need another comma before "as", also, I think somehow would read better than somewhat: It was, as I had hoped and somehow feared, the hunter's arrow.
Question about it: why didn't the character picked up the arrow to prove the encounter, or at least as a souvenir? I would've totally picked it up!

The man caught my eye
This is confussing. Before this, you suggest that the man is already walking behind the women down the track, but then he meets the character's eyes, like he paused to do so, or wasn't yet following the women.

The group departure
I think this should be "Their departure" or "The group's departure".

They would be upon me in seconds, no room for us both on the narrow sandy bank.
The "for us both" is confussing. If the character is with the natives (but you suggest they've already disappeared into the woods), they're more than two. If the hunter stayed with the character, there's no mention about it. So there's no way to know who you're talking about.

And that would be all.
Hope any of this was any helpful.
Again, I really enjoy the story, and the setting!

Thanks for sharing!

This is a great short story.

You know what reminded me of? Philip K.Dick's early short-stories.
Along that line of narrative, you manage a calm, controlled tone to describe the situation and, at the same time, give information about the setting. And the way you provide it also works to introduce the main char.
However, let me tell you that I started to get a little nervous as soon as you started to describe Cameron's situation inside the tube--by the way, loved the image of the tennis-balls tube, that just made my mental picture perfectly clear. I was fidgeting in my seat as he tried to move and find a way to get out.
The abandoned-project situation was obvious from the moment nobody showed up when he woke up. Then I started to wonder: what if he can't get out of the chamber? and what if he can, but the lab is completely locked? and what if...?
Then, lucky me, Cameron kicked the switch, the damned thing opened and I was able to breathe again.
The fact that they left a woman to wake up with him suggested me a total apocalyptic scenario for them to find out there. Like hey, Adam, here's your Eve. Now go and make a new population.

The narration flows at a perfect pace, and given how short the story is, you put up a solid, credible plot, with a neat setting. The story moves. Goes from A to B, it has inner dialogue, it has information and it was that tense moment that triggered all my what-ifs.

You also kept it with the minimum characters, which is always good in a short-story--for me, there's never room for more than four as much. And you managed to give a good idea about Samantha, even when she appears at the end.
The dialogue flows well too, and they have different ways to speak, just as they should.

About grammar, structures and punctuation, it's flawless. Which makes this item a complete gem.
There are a couple of quotation marks missing, and when Samantha is speaking, it's split in two paragraphs when it should go all together. But that's it.

Great work, great reading!
Thanks for sharing!

Monica