Hi there!

I really liked this story. Family reunions are always some sort of road trip inside, because we cannot help looking back and see the road this far.
You portrayed the whole family from John's feelings and memories, and show their particular ways without even needing to formally bring them into the story.
It's a bitter sweet piece, this item, and all you don't tell and clarify can be guessed by the reader. I liked the calm pace of your writing, contrasting the heavy emotional charge of what you were telling.

I was sort of puzzled when he turns around instead of going into the house, and goes back to the car. I thought he was there because that was where he was meeting his family.
Then, when John meets them by the huge tree, that's when I started suspecting that Calvin wasn't gone as in some other city, but dead.
What you say about Calvin is good enough to get the picture of how he was, and how he changed, and he picked up on John. But I think a few more details, like specific memories, wouldn't hurt.

I always think that when you get the story out right, and there are not plot holes or bumps, and you expressed what you wanted in a way that can hook a reader, there comes the other half of the work. And it's the structure and grammar work. That's what's next for you with this story, if you want it to excell. Else, you can leave it just as it is, but that would be a pity.

I copy-pasted below a few examples of the things you need to revise and correct, so you can get the idea.
Here we go:

Scrunching up the letter he tosses it onto the empty passenger seat beside him and the car idles patiently waiting for its masters commands.
You have too many too-long sentences without any punctuation. Commas and periods help the reader to get the rhythm and difference what's important from what's additional information. If you are not sure where you need the break a comma or a period implies, read aloud. The moments when you pause or change your intonation would show you where you have to insert a break.
I'll show you what a mean with this example sentence. It needs a few commas and changing one word. Like this:
Scrunching up the letter, he tosses it onto the empty passenger seat beside him, while the car idles, patiently waiting for its masters' commands.
The first comma separates the main action from the additional info. The second one indicates John's not the subject performing the next action (idle). The third on is always needed before a verb+ing.
You have this kind of sentence, with this kind of issue, all over the story. So you need to take a moment and revise them.

Why should I go he thinks to himself?
This is inner dialogue, so you should structure it as any other dialogue. Like this:
Why should I go? he thinks to himself.
You can also italize the thought: Why should I go? he thinks to himself.

crumpled up
Remember to hyphen when you use two or more words as one adjective.
This should be crumpled-up

He had become accustomed to the constant dull ache
Beware of the tenses . If you're writing in simple present, this should be present perfect: He has become accustomed

...now is the time for appearing composed.
Rachael greeted him...
Watch out here: you suddenly changef the narration's tense from present to past from one sentence to the next, even though it's not a flashback, but the action continues.

‘I knew you’d come, never had any doubt.’ Said Rachael.
I'd suggest to use double quotation marks, else, the one after "you" could be very well taken, by a distracted reader, as closing the dialog line.
Also remember that if what comes right after the dialogue is a tag verb, you should use a comma instead of a period. Like this:
"I knew you'd come, never had any doubt," said Rachel.

Her sombre hair was now a light chestnut and fell well beyond her shoulders that impossibly made her seem happier.
There are sentences that are sort of hard to figure out at first reading. This is one of them. What makes it bumpy is the "that" and the lack of punctuation. This should read something like this:
Her sombre hair was now a light chestnut and fell well beyond her shoulders, which impossibly made her seem happier.
However, I'd suggest some rewording for the last part. Looks like you mean that her hairdo makes her look happier even when it's not likely possible, because she always looks so cheerful and happy. So it would be something like "which made her seem happier, if that was even possible", but in your words, of course.

John turns toward the mammoth tree
Here you're back to present tense again.

As I said before, this is the dull, boring part of writing: grabbing the magnifying glass and spotting mistakes the automated correction won't pick, or analyzing what can you do to improve the flow with better punctuation and wording. You have a great story, now you need to improve how you present it. It's the least you can do when you expect others to take the time to read your work.
And that's what reviews are good at: reviewers do part of that job for you. When you've been over the story too many times writing it, correcting it, checking if you added this or deleted that, you can always rely on the outsider's eyes to lend a hand.

Thanks for sharing!

Monica

Hi, just been at your portfolio for a quick welcome note, so I thought of taking a look at this item.
It's a very striking story, and you manage to tell it in a very good way. You don't give in to the temptation of overflowing adjectives to conjure the reader's pity and emotions about such a shocking, violent scene. Yet you describe every bit of the horror in it, the fear of that little boy, all the levels of pain his father inflicts on him--cos it's not only the physical pain here.
It's not easy, approaching this subjects in this clean, clear way. And you've made it.

I liked the first impression about the therapist and his study, cos I felt related to it.

Take a look at the punctuation and the repetition of words, and this will be just perfect.
When you get the content out alright, as you've already done, there comes the time for structure and grammar revisions. Because no matter how good a story is, it also needs to be written in such a way that allows the reader to go through it without bumps.
I'd be glad to lend a hand, if you want. Just let me know.

Again, welcome to WdC!
And thanks for sharing!

Monica

Hi there!

This is such a sweet story.
I loved how Frederick wants to play dettached and rational, yet he cares a lot about Max.
And how Max, in the end, makes his choice of keep living by the rules and stay with Frederick.

The characters are well defined, and each of them have their own voice.
You keep them only two, which I like for short stories--don't think a short story allows more than three or four of them, tops, without getting messy.

The plot flows at a good pace, with a nice choice of words, good timing, and a perfect balance between dialogue and action. One thing leads to the other, and that's great, because I just read on, and all of a sudden I found myself at the end.

You also have good general grammar.
There are a few things you need to revise, though. They're about dialogues, mostly.
* When writing a dialogue, try to keep "grouped" what a character says or does, and when you switch to the other--whether with action or dialogue--you should start a new paragraph. That makes the reading easier and keeps the reader focused on what's going on, instead of guessing who is saying this or doing that.
* You need to tag and punctuate dialogues properly, using commas and/or period depending on the case.
* Befriend commas. Reading to yourself is just like reading aloud, and commas point what is an important part of a sentece, what's a clarification, what's another clause, and so on. Reading aloud is a good way to figure out where you need to insert one, because you will naturally change your intonation--you will pause, you will lower your tone, raise it again, etc.
* Also about commas, remember you need one before a verb+ing.

All these things are details. That's because the important part of the story is perfectly developed. When you've done a good job at deploying the story, and you have all the plot and character issues worked out, these details pop up. Which is good, because it means you only need to work on these little things to get a bullet-proof item.
Also, I think that when we write, we always need "the outsider's eye" to spot this kind of things. We're usually so focused on unfolding the story, that we're bound to miss these details. So here comes the reviewer, to save you some time by pointing you where they are. I don't know if it happens to you, but sometimes, when revising and editing, I reach a point when I don't really-really read, cos I've read it so many times, my memory sort of tricks my brain into thinking I'm reading, but I'm actually not.

Again, the story is great and the characters are great, you lead the wheel with firm hand.
So keep that in mind when you work on this.

Here below is a list of things I copy+pasted to show you what I'm talking about:

Fredrick rolled his eyes and hanged his head in disbelief that the manufacturer didn't even somehow embed this information into its system.
This is one of the long sentences that would read way better with a comma, or split into two sentences.
Like this--and remember that when I insert words, it's in my style, you have to do it in your own style, with your own words:
Fredrick rolled his eyes and hanged his head--comma-- in disbelief that the manufacturer didn't even somehow embed this information into its system
or
Fredrick rolled his eyes and hanged his head in disbelief. How come the manufacturer didn't even somehow embed this information into its system.

That is what an android is," hoping that would be the end of the conversation.
Here you need a verb before the hoping: "he said" or "Frederick said". Else, you need to reword it.
"That's what an android is." He hoped that would be the end of the conversation.

hoping that would be the end of the conversation. Max sat silently, not having a reply.
Fredrick once again peered over the edge of his newspaper, he looked at Max.
Did he just blow a transistor?
This is what I mentioned about "grouping" things around the speaker.
Here you don't need three paragraphs. It can be all in one.
Else, you need to rearrange:
...hoping that would be the end of the conversation.
Max sat silently, not having a reply.
Fredrick once again peered over the edge of his newspaper, he looked at Max. Did he just blow a transistor?

At that very moment, "Do I have free will?" Max blurted out.
This would read way smoother if you don't cut off the narrative with the dialogue.
At that very moment, Max blurted out, "Do I have a free will?"

His uneasiness didn't help in thinking of what to say mainly because he doesn't know what to expect, what the 'reaction incurred' would be.
Two things here: a comma needed after "to say", and correcting the tense: "didn't" instead of "doesn't".
His uneasiness didn't help in thinking of what to say, mainly because he didn't know what to expect, what the 'reaction incurred' would be.

Fredrick was taken back by that comment and a chill ran down his spine. The thought of a robot being able to think past what it was programmed to do scared the hell out of Fredrick.
Here you don't need the second Frederick, because you started the previous sentence stating you're talking about him. Plus, it's obvious it's the human who would think this. So, to prevent the repetition, you should use the pronoun "him" instead of the final "Frederick".

which was only to be used in unforeseen cases where lives are in danger.
Again a shift to present tense. You need to correct the "are" to "were".

more than 3 seconds, but Fredrick had a thought. What if Max were to resist?
Two things here: spell numbers under a hundred. And you need to correct the punctuation.
Two options:
more than three seconds, but Frederick had a thought. What if Max resists?
or
more than three seconds. But Frederick had a thought: what if Max were to resist?

and stored them in his memory then, too, disappeared back inside.
This is the end of a very long sentence. You need to insert a comma after "memory". Or a period.

you haven't yet realised
typo: it's realized. It's written realised throughout the sotry.

Fredrick answered hoping to impart
One of the cases where you have to insert a comma before verb+ing.
Frederick answered, hoping to impart
Chek the story for more of this omissions, cos there are a bunch of them.

no good reason to." Fredrick replied
dialogue punctuation: "reply" is a tag verb, so the dialogue line should end with a comma.
"...no good reason to," Frederick replied

Max was sitting in the dark barely illuminated
This is another long sentence that goes on after this quote, so you need to insert a comma after "dark".

the occasional cricket
You haven't mentioned a cricket before, so the "the" reads off.
Suggestion:
an occasional cricket
or
the occasional crickets

The voice recording
In this sentence, "recording" reads like a verb at first sight.
I'd suggest to change it.
the recorded voice
or
the voice record

paused for a moment and while the voice recording was still repeating, he deleted it.
Two things here: when you clarify something, you need to put it between commas. And here, again, it reads like the voice is being recorded at this moment.
Suggestion:
paused for a moment and, while the recorded voice was still repeating, he deleted it.

At half past seven Fredrick darted out of bed and made a bee line toward Max and found the power plug laying on the floor.
Too long a sentence without any punctuation at all.
Suggestion:
At half past seven, Frederick darted out of bed and made a bee line toward Max. He found the power plug laying on the floor.

On the inside he panicked, "Max?"
dialogue punctuation: you use a comma when what comes before or after the dialogue is a tag verb, else you use a period.
Also, I would omit the "on the inside", because panicking, being a feeling or emotion, starts inside and then, eventually, maybe, shows out.
Suggestion:
He panicked. "Max?"

Zipping from room to room. He called out louder and louder.
This needs to be only one sentence, or rewording.
Suggestion:
Zipping from room to room, he called out louder and louder.

you took the liberty." Fredrick said
dialogue punctuation: "say" is a tag verb, so there should be a comma instead of a period.
"...you took the liberty," Frederick said.

Feeling quite stunned yet relieved once again, they both made their way
This reads like both of them are feeling stunned and relieved, but I think it's only Frederick, right?
So you need some rewording here.
Suggestion:
Feeling quite stunned, yet relieved once again, Frederick followed Max. They made their way...

Okay, and this is it!
You know? I said at the beginning this was a very sweet story. It reminded me a little about a TV shows, "Being Human", which was also about androids and was also very sweet, despite that everybody was so tough and macho around.

Hope you've found any of this helpful!
Thanks for sharing!

Monica

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WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E) Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills! #1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

Hi, there!

I liked your story!
I enjoyed reading about this old man, beating about the bushes, never giving straight answers, hooking the main char like a suspense master.
I also like that nobody gets a name here. That's a good trick. Because they don't actually need it. What's more, you don't even clarify if the main char is a man or a woman, and it doesn't matter!

The reading flows fine, and you move two parallel stories--the one on the plane, the one the old man is telling--at a good pace, entangling them in a great way.
Every character has their own voice and that's good too.
There are some gems along the text, like how the main char felt when he/she still used glasses, or some things the old man says. Things that spark out along the narrative. Things that make you relate to what they say in one way or the other.

The final "flash" is sort of puzzling, because in the end, it's not clear if the whole conversation was a dream or what. That would be the only plot thing to revise, in my opinion. But just if you really feel like it, because it's not a major issue.

You need to take a look at the format of the text, because the spacing looks pretty random, and it's confussing.
Doublespace all the paragraphs or keep doublespacing to mark a change of scene or that time passed and you want to make sure the reader notices.
Never mind if you copy+pasted or imported a Word file, check how it looks here and correct it yourself, because the site never gets the whole formatting from Word and you need to do it manually.

What I did find is a lot of missing commas.
At first, when I was reading, I went like "ok, a couple of lost commas, nothing serious". But as I kept reading, the too-long sentences without punctuation ended up being a distracting bump.
The issue about missing commas is that, when reading, you can't tell what's the really important bit in a sentence and what is decoration. It causes some sort of going out of mental breath, because you need to read it all to actually get the real meaning of these sentences.
There are some simple rules to know where you need a comma:
When you clarify something, you should put that clarification between commas. When you use a verb+ing, there should be a comma before it. And so on.
When you're not quite sure where you need a comma, read the bit aloud. Your need for a pause to breath, your intonation changes, will show you where.

Here I copy+pasted some of those sentences, and I insert a "--comma--" only when you can't get away with it.
If there's any other reason why I marked a part, I explain below it.
The fact that I'm only pointing details proves you've done a great work with this story, and there are no major problems about it.

*The girl just stood there transfixed for a while --comma-- staring at her friend’s mom who was by now having a non stop bout of sneezes.”

*What she was thinking about or what she felt --comma-- no one ever knew and she never told anyone.

*“And you --comma-- sir?” she asked my next seat neighbor.

* They have the option of interacting with the characters if they feel like it --comma-- and if not --comma-- they can just retreat and go back to their designated role as the observer.”

* I debated whether to prod him on or just wait for him to come out of his reverie --comma-- which seemed to me to be something he did on a frequent basis.

* When I looked up --comma-- I was surprised to see that she was sobbing.

* feel tired after sneezing for a week --comma-- trying to recover from one.’

* This time --comma-- however, it seemed a little chilling.

* I couldn’t quite understand it --comma-- but I felt that maybe I shouldn’t have asked any more questions.

* “You know when you’re walking along --comma-- minding your own business --comma-- and suddenly this tune pops into your head?

* You continue your daily routine and your work --comma-- and talk and act normal --comma-- and all along this tune just plays like some background music to the story of your life?”

*"Er, yes?” I said --comma-- feeling a little nervous but wondering what he was getting at.

* “And then you can stand it no more and want to get rid of it --comma-- but (;) it just refuses to go away?” he said --comma-- getting a little animated as he spoke.

*A little as a hobby and fun --comma-- but mostly so that (i) can orchestrate the lives of the people I have mapped.

*The city was visible to me and I tried to stop my descent --comma-- but it only got faster and faster.

*She and I got married --comma-- you know.

*I’m often aware of tunes and voices in my head --comma-- but I pretend not to hear them.


I looked down at the napkin and was silent for a while after she finished trying to digest what she had said.
This is sort of puzzling. Why would she need to digest what she herself just said, like she didn't know?
The first time I read it, I automatically read "I finished trying to digest", then realized I've read it wrong and it was "she", and made me wonder why.

Always spell numbers under a hundred.
These are the cases where you need to correct that:

* she had walked 5 miles

* it was a short 2 hour hop

* ever since I was 14.

* After we had been going out for about 6 months

Hope any of this was any helpful. Of course you're invited to my port to take it back at my items!

Thanks for sharing!

Monica

Hi, there!

I liked the piece, and the previous note was a good tip, because this is obviously a part of a longer story.

The grammar and punctuation are perfect, and action flows smooth and very easy to follow, which is always so important. And you have a very unique voice for descriptions.

About the plot:
As I say, it shows that this is an excerpt.
That affects the amount the information you give as setting. Almost none of it "applies", since there's no room for further development.
The problem, and of course this is nothing but my very personal opinion, is that nothing gets quite explained. Not even the only character's actions or feelings, because she might be being magically manipulated.
At first we have a girl, or a woman, gazing down at a beautiful place she's not seen for a while. Okay, I can follow that. She sits down under this ancient tree to enjoy the view, the break, the peace. And coldly watches two people being killed by an undead, an event that doesn't even deserve a shrug from her.
That was the first bump.
The more when the event seems to be completely anecdotic. An undead killed two.
I may be old-school at a cave-man extent, but my personal rule is "if it doesn't move the story, remove it." And this episode doesn't. If anything, the only thing that killing achieved was making me wonder kind of person is Rena, who doesn't give a damn about watching people die.
Shes like, "Oh, well. Moving on."
And right after witnessing that, she's feeling melancholic--not an expectable or understandable mood after what she just saw. But not five words later she's crouching in fear!
Well, somebody is trying to magically control her. Maybe. There's nothing to prove she's right or wrong.
Is that why she didn't care about those people being killed? Or were they meant to die like that? Among all the setting information, a bit about that would do.
And then she stands up and turns out she's a ranger, an archer. Another bit of information that should probably come earlier than half of the piece, because if you don't give it, considering the setting, I pictured her like a regular village girl, with a long skirt and maybe even an apron, out for a stroll in the wild. There's nothing to tell me otherwise.
Then she overcomes herself, or the spell, and hurries to get help. Like she's expecting a direct attack. But there's nothing to suggest that. And now she's not only a ranger, but a warrior, just back from a long, hard journey. And now turns out that she doesn't quite remember what she just did or why. So by now everything about her is really too confussing.
And then she gets to the Keep, nobody in sight even when there's supposed to be at least a guard around. Sounds of fight from around the corner! Let's see what's going on!
But that's the end!

I don't have the slightest doubt that I would enjoy a lot the whole story. But right as this item is, it raises a lot of questions and offers no answers.
Not a bad thing, filling readers with questions and force them to fill in the gaps. It's a nice hooking trick. When you give them the elements to do so.

But here, the questions are at such a basic level that undermines the piece.
There's no real conflict, or crossroads, or something really happening, only two things Rena thinks that can be happening: the spell on her and that something's off at the Keep. And it's just Rena's speculations, because, again, not even her is sure if she's being manipulated. Maybe she's seeing and hearing things.
All of this brings the questions down to a "what is this story about?". And that's supposed to come by the first line, not by the end.

I think you need to pick an event in this universe, with this character or any other, and work on it, and develop it.
It can be Rena coming back from her journey and visiting this place, remiscing on what she's just been through or whatever she may do on top of the hill.
It can be her watching what happens to those two facing the undead.
It can be the spell cast on her and how she gets rid of it, finding who's casting it or any other way.
It can be getting to the Keep and finding something bad happened or is happening, and what Rena does.
And then provide the setting information required to give that event a proper frame.
And start and at least unfold the event. You don't even have to give it a proper end. Sometimes, finishing a story before its real end can be a magistral touch.

Again. You have a smooth style that is a pleasure to read. The first part, when Rena is gazing at the vale, really made me feel the peace and the beauty of the place. It wasn't just another description. It was a damn good one.
And you have the imagination to set up a whole fantastic universe. Most people can't do that.
Now you need to zoom in and decide what you wanna tell us about what happens there, with that lovely voice of yours. One thing at a time, not hints of three or four or even five different things all together at the same time. At least in this short format, that doesn't allow you to unfold longer plot arcs underlying a given event.

Hope any of this was of any help, and that you're not hating me too bad.
Of course you're more than welcome to drop by my port to get back at my items.

Read you around!

Monica

Okay, I didn't see that coming.
I just was like "what the hell!!" and "then why all the trouble??"
And then I got that those serum rounds are meant to make the bosses forget they hired them.
Suggestion: think of us, dumb readers, and make it a little clearer. It took me like a whole minute to figure that out, and my first reaction was being pissed at Sahir, for not killing Liam while Ben held his end of the deal.

My pondering: Marron seems to be like a wealthy businessman of crime, according to what Ben's sees. Would he personally hire Sahir? Wouldn't there be someone else who knew he hired her? He strikes me like someone who would say to a tenant "get that done", and don't even care who the tenant hired. Meaning: making him forget would be of any use?
And why wouldn't Sahir let Ben into the whole plan? Why push him to agree to kill a man if that's not the case?

The style and the voices are great as usual. I enjoyed meeting both povs in the same chapter again.
However, I think the plot for this chapter needs to be worked. I'm sure you got it all figured out, and it will become clear further on. But I still feel it needs something to sustain Sahir's moves. Else, it weakens the character, and therefore the whole story. I'm all for unexpected twists, but this one needs at least a hint about why she's playing everybody like this-even her only ally!

One detail I've been meaning to tell and always forget:
No need to add those sort of subtitles to say when or where things are happening.
They're like little bumps. Include the information in the narrative, or just don't. The first time you use it is in part 2, which starts off with a "a few hours later". No need for it at all. Ben opens his eyes, Sahir comments on their color. That's it. Time's passed, no need to clarify it.
In this part, you have five of those:
The following morning.
Borcellus Major//Mining Moon
Five years prior
Present
Meanwhile, at Liam Forrester’s office…

If you start with Ben on top of the roof ready to shoot Marron, it's obvious time has passed. One day, two, it really doesn't matter. That bit of information can pop op at any casual line of inner dialogue.

If while on the rooftop, he recalls the day he killed a man, narrate it. Replace those two lines of location/date by a short narrative paragraph.
The last thing you say before that is:
The moment I realized a rock no bigger than my own fist could irreparable shift the direction of my character.
Okay, pick up from there.
Something like "It'd been five years ago, at the Mining Moon of Borcellus Major, where Erin and I, among thousands of teenagers, were slave-laboring."
But in your own words, of course. And then keep going with what you already wrote. It'd only need a little touch in the tenses and that's it.

And then, you go back to simple past so you're back on the roof. And after that, when you start from Sahir's pov, it's clear right away. So no need to clarify where we "are".

It'll help a smoother reading.

About grammar.
It's fine, in general. But you still have to take a second look for comma splices and little details.
One sentence as example:

Liams face went pale as he was ready to plead for his life, however, before he got the chance to, I put around in his gut.

This should read:

Liam's face went pale as he was ready to plead for his life. However, before he got a chance to, I put a round in his gut.

Three details: the possessive, the period, correcting two words typed together.

That's the oh so serious stuff you need to revise. Those stupid little things that slip out attention when we have our heads full of the story, and eager to write on.

Hope this was helpful in any way, and please let me know what should I read next!!
It doesn't matter if I have to wait.
I'll wait!

Thanks for letting me know this was up and thanks for sharing!
Read you around!

Monica

Hi there!

This definitely looks way better that the former version!
Things inside Benjamin look... firmer, like he's got a clear mind about what he wants, or what he's willing to do and why. This is a stronger Ben than in the other version, and I like this one better!
And now he's got more to make Sahir feel attrackted to him, as well.

There's still some work you need to do about punctuation, because there are sentences stuck together, separated by commas instead of periods. And there are a couple of typos.
But that's all. You worked out every bump or weakness I found at the first version.

Now let me know what should I read next, to follow the story of this pair!

Thanks for letting me know you have posted this, and thanks for sharing!

Read you around!
Monica

Hi, there!

This does a very good work to set the story to come.
It has a grave, solemn tone when you read it, which goes perfect with the subject you're dealing with.
Now I'm already making my bets about the Underwold Queen being the one of these nephilim children!

As I said, the tone is the best for this first approach of the story.
You clearly stablish the situation, the crisis, the intentions of both sides.
And then you introduce this unexpected third part, Sparda.

You give the neccesary information to understand the situation and don't waste time in describing how they look or how they're dressed, or their weapons and spells. That I like. It's a war to decide the fate of the world, no time for fashion police!

I also like that despite that it's a massive situation, with two armies, you keep it to only three characters, and rather to two, Thanatos and Sparda, because Alestor is hardly mentioned.
That, too, is capital for such a short, introductory piece.
I liked that you didn't fall for dialogue, but tell about what was said. It matches the situation and the tone.

On the grammar side, there are some bumps, mostly typos.
Here's a short list of them:

Along the whole piece, sentences are just too long, actually they are two or three sentences stuck into one. And there's a recurrent absence of commas, too.
That needs revising and correcting.
Here's one example:
The pair got a child and then they were slaughtered by demons but the child had lived, and it was Sparda.
Suggestions:
The pair got a child, then they were slaughtered by demons. But the child lived, and it was Sparda.
The pair was slaughtered by demons after giving birth to a child. But their son lived. It was Sparda.

You also need to pay attention to the tenses. Here you use two different tenses in the same sentence, and by doing that, you actually place the birth of Sparda before his conception: "The child had lived" vs. "The pair got a child."

There's some weird wording that acts like a bump for the reader.
This is an example:
Usage of nothing was restricted.
Suggestions: Nothing was off-limits. Nothing was forbidden. Everything was allowed. There were no restrictions.

Some typos I found:
demons was
Were.

a demon fall in love
Fell

had came
Come

son or daughter has to leave their homeland and needs
Warning: you suddenly change to present tense, then back to past tense.

only one would bear his mark and he will rule the earth instead of any angel or demon.
This is about the plot: I was wondering what Sparda would base his decision on? What will make him choose one child over the other?

this offer at the first place
Typo: on the first place.

The thing about this kind of typos is that they are valid words, so the automatic correction won't detect them.
There you have to take the time to reread yourself, spot them and correct them.

Hope any of this was helpful.
You have something good here, so I'll be back for more.

Thanks a lot for sharing!

Monica

Oh, well!
I've been seing your Nircean Tales in my search for something to read and review in the "Noticing Newbies" section, and for some reason, I never took a look at them.
What a mistake!
However, I finally did and I just loved this first part.

The first "half", from Ben's pov, had the inmediate effect of making me think of Chandler.
"I'm reading about a space Marlow," I thought. Something along the line of Cowboy Bebop, but straining that shadowy edge anime has to overlook to hit a larger audience. That kind of broody air you get reading about Marlow rambling in his office, or at finding his house is out of power cos he didn't have the money to pay the bill. That kind of general disappointment at life, that sour lack of hope, the resignation that comes with seeing too much of the tough side of life. And all along, the cynicism it brings, the constant irony.

Liam's characterization was just great. You made me hate his guts just by seing him through Ben's eyes.
The comments about him came at the perfect moment, with the perfect wording to describe him, and helped to keep defining Ben by the way he saw the man.

I also liked a lot that so-Marlow thing of being unable to do what he had to and leave. Well, yeah, he had that warning about the owner not to get harmed, but he could have overlooked that part. Yet he didn't. He's a burglar for hire, some kind of low life, yet he has this thing in him that just can't look the other way.
And the best thing about this, is that this doesn't come up as a surprise. It's not in opposition with how you've characterized Ben this far.
Cherry on the pie: "I'm sick and I think I like her."
That's what I call a punch line. Loved it.

And then whoa! Who's talking now? In just a few words you rescued me from that moment of puzzle and gave me everything I needed to read on.
And oh, man, I loved the girl's pov!
You did an excellent job at making both povs very different from each other. You made me feel I was hearing a completely different person by the wording, the grammar, the expressions. And you used her to give us more info about Ben.
Have to say, though, that I was surprised he was so young, considering his broody air. But hey, that's me getting old. After turning forty, everybody in their twenties suddenly turned to little boys and girls in my eyes. Like I was a helpless baby back then in my early twenties.

The final scene from Ben's pov threw me back to the opening paragraphs, when Ben speaks of this woman who tried to kill him and ended up saving his life.
And this is the one and only bump I found in this story, because I didn't know it was a flashback. I thought that happened in Ben's past, and now he'd moved on. For some reason he's not with this woman anymore and he just keeps going.
This is me, a few minutes ago:
I'm reading about Ben, who once met a woman who tried to kill him and saved his life, and later on-years, months, I don't know-this scumbag Liam offers him this job, and he takes it, and then he meets... wait. Is this some very cynic loop in his life or am I reading a flashback?
So I went back to the beginning, checked there was no reference to this being a flashback, and decided Ben's life can't be so repetitive, and he can't be so "ruddin" (loved the expression!) dumb as to fall twice for the same thing. I ruled this was a flashback and just moved on, to enjoy meeting this rash young woman.

About the setting, it's perfect. Despite that it's a whole made-up universe, you don't spend any more than necessary to describe it. And it works. I'm all for that kind of sci-fi, not those tedious stories where you have paragraphs and paragraphs of descriptions of the setting, and the society, and the culture, and the wardrobe, and the technology. I usually end up overlooking all of that, and jump to where I find the characters acting again. You spared me that guilty jump. Thanks! I can feel like a responsible reader.

I was here for a good story, and you certainly delivered.

I loved this, and I'm seriously planning to keep on reading your Nircean tales.
Thanks a lot for sharing!

Monica

Wow.
I'm out of breath from all the running up and down.
This is a very smart twist for the classic Z crisis, making the infected keep their rationality, save when they come across a uninfected person. It made me think of I'm Legend. If they can keep functioning among them, they're bound to conquer the word, and unifected population will become an extinted species in due time. It's called evolution, right?

I liked that you kept it to only two main characters and Captain Appleton showing up a bit. Even when you're talking about a worldwide situation. It's the ideal for short stories like this one, at least for me.

There are no physical descriptions, and I also liked that: no room for them in such a stressing, life-or-death situation. The lack of descriptions makes that sensation stronger.
Yet, you use actions, and mostly dialogue, for characterization. And it works just great!

The dialogue flow is excellent, and it's what really allowed me to get my mental picture of Leon--and divorce it from Jean Reno, because a killer called Leon is bound to make you think of The Proffessional. But you showed me this was no Jean Reno, but another Leon, and you made characterization work so fine, that in such a short story, his final decision makes just perfect sense to who you showed he is.

The grammar is perfect and I detected no typos. Well, I was running all over, and trying to get away from the furious crowd of Bugs, so maybe I missed some, but I don't think so.

Only one thing: the end.
You have such a powerful moment when Leon refuses to get into the Cessna, and finishing the story with Joan's blessing sort of weakens it. Maybe if you stayed with Leon, watching the plane leaving, I don't know, or if Joan holds his eyes for a moment, then nods and leaves.
However, after Joan broke all her principles and ethics by experimenting on humans, and took such a risk by staying there the last to get Leon out of there, it's not very likely either that she would go without trying to push and drag Leon into the plane.
Maybe if Leon turns around and walks away, while the horde of Bugs come sprinting to swarn over the Cessna, that would force Joan to leave.
I don't know, but such as it is, finishing the story with As Joan sped down the runway and lifted into the sky, she whispered, “Leon, I’m sorry for what we did to all of you in that ward. Please forgive me and God bless you.” Man, is like missing a chance to finish the story with the same power you wrote all that comes before it.

Whatever. I loved to read this. And in the end, I'm just the old lady with a cat on her lap, eating popcorn while I watch Joan and Leon fighting for their lives.

Thanks a lot for sharing!
Read you around.

Monica

Wow, let me catch my breath back.
Another stressing piece, it is. Strating off with Logan's nightmare, all the way to the final cliffhanger.
The characters stay true to what you portrayed in the first chapter, and I liked--actually hated it, but you know what I mean--the way Daniel's all the time waiting for the slightest trigger to blow up and give in to rage and violence. That's so like abusers. And the way the other three can only hold on tight and pray, mostly the kids.

There's only one thing that sort of threw me off, and it's that dialogue/quarrel of the boys in the car. I think it's a little too long, the more considering Daniel's short temper. It's not likely that he would let them go for so long before getting angry at them. I expected Kelly to step in earlier to prevent that from happening.

Else, the rest of the chapter flows at a perfect pace, dragging us more and more into Logan's awful reality. Which now is even haunting him in dreams, like there's no rest, no scape, no shelter from violence for him.

About grammar: you really need to take a look at the punctuation, because there's a lot of it missing. Mostly commas, which in some cases can be replaced by periods. But the sentence's clauses end up all mixed up, and there isn't any pause, sometimes for three lines straight. There are times when it forced me to reread a long sentence, in order to check if I got its meaning right.

If you want, I can lend a hand, and point for you where I think there's a comma or a period needed.

The few typos I found:

Soon he his upper body

make up sex
hyphen missing: make-up sex

say – depart
no spacing needed before and after the dash: say–depart.

Give his your face
I'm not sure, because it's one of the kids talking, but I think that his should be a him.

dingo ugly
hyphen missing: dingo-ugly

asked Kelly in a suspiciously as if
missing word after suspiciously?

There’s one over the!”
The final "the" is supposed to read "there"?

head on
hyphen missing: head-on

the one – reasoned Logan
no spacing before and after dash: the one–reasoned Logan

He placed it on his lap away prying eyes
missing word between away and prying. I think it should be from?

And that would be it.

Again, you keep hitting my belly with each chapter, yet keep me hooked reading all the way through. Hating Daniel, pitying those poor kids, whishing Kelly would have the guts to do something about it.

Thanks a lot for letting me know you've posted this.
And thanks a lot for sharing!

Read you around!

Monica

Creepyly frigging excellent!

Maybe because my zombie culture sticks to movies and TV shows, which focus on survivors, not the infected, I'm not used to read about the typical zombie crisis from the Z side.
I really liked how you portray it. The initial shock, her reaction when she wakes up death, how her new instincts take over.

As a mother to an only son, the woman eating hers away was argh, so twisted and sick and disgusting: I think it's the perfect picture to show how any human basic instinct is lost.

Another detail I loved, and call me a cynic. How you describe the day outdoors when she finally exits her house. It's so beautiful, and peaceful. The perfect hippie postcard! And when you were over with that description, there comes your punchline: but she didn't give a damn about it.
You pushed another "that's great!" out of my mouth while reading.

When she reaches the town, it's great how she gets swallowed by the crowds instincts, which are exactly the same as hers.
Note: I was almost expecting her to bump into an infected crowd surrounding a tank in the middle of the street, if that rings a bell.

I usually do proper, structured reviews, so let's try to give all this mumbling some sense.

That was the overall impression.

The plot was smoothly lead, no bumps, no dull moments, nothing that throws off the attention.

The only real character is perfectly portrayed, before and after.

The setting receives exactly the attention it needs. Including irony!

Now, as the cliché goes: every rose has its thorn.

Check the puctuation, tell your woman to keep from eating away commas and periods. Show her they're no meat.
The grammar is fine in structure, but there are sentences that go way too long. They need a balance of commas, semicolons, periods. That's what points the important parts from the supporting parts. If looking at the story you have trouble finding it, try reading aloud. Your breath will tell you when you need to insert a pause. To know which kind of pause, see which parts are more important.

Just an example:
"At first she managed to lock him inside the bathroom, but eventually he made it out by scratching through the wooden door with his nails."
Suggested punctuation:
At first, she managed to lock him inside the bathroom. But eventually he made it out, by scratching through the wooden door with his nails.
Why? Because:
"At first" it's just a hint about time. The important part is whas she did. So you separate it from each other with the comma. Because they're two different parts.
Then a period, because here, what he did is just as important as what she did. So it needs/deserves/whatever its own sentence.
The important bit is that he eventually got out, the rest is detailing the how. And that's why you insert another comma. Again: to separate what's important from the decoration.
To go down to the bitter end, "eventually" should go between commas, because it's working just like "at first", as a "time indicator". But whatever. Enough, right?

So, before your woman pops out my screen and bites me, I better take my leave.

Great, great, great Z piece. I really enjoyed the reading.
So thanks a lot for sharing!

Read you around!

Monica

GROUP

WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  (E) Join the fun! We inspire reviewers through kindness and learning! Winner of six Quills! #1300305 by Maryann - House Martell

Hi, there, Michael!

First of all, if curiosity killed the cat, mine can slain a pack of lions, so I would love to read the full texts.
Also because as plot overview goes, it is a little hard to review it knowing I only read parts of every chapter.
However, I'll do my best.
You say you want: "feedback regarding how well this communicates the story, the characters, the settings and the conversations in a believable and understandable way."

Okay, here we go.

The excerpts certainly do their job in communicating the story.
Chapter one sets off at a good pace, and right away you can tell it's a different world. Arjan and Torre may be from NYPD, but not today. So from then on, you get the reader open and waiting for setting hints.
I like how you provide them. They come out at the right moments, and they're never overwhelming (I never got that feeling, like "duh, I need some aire before reading on, cos my head is a mess of names and new technologies and setting details.").
It's great that you keep the first chapters with two characters each, because it allows the reader to have more attention on the word you created (which is a character in itself) and what you tell about it. Else, the reader is too busy trying to remember names and ages and ranks or relations between characters, and overlook the descriptions that allow them to get the mental picture of the story's setting.
However, I think that including the whole story of Babel right away may be a little too much. Considering it comes up at hardly ten or fifteen lines after the beginning.
Again, this being an excerpt, I don't know if there are more lines in between.

Such as this item is, I hardly met Torre and Arjan and I'm already reading about what "one of the Perot daughters" had done, and it goes on for the next four paragraphs before we get to The Fall.
Suggestion: if "the Perot daughters" don't play a role in your universe, if they're not mentioned again in a way that the reader can automatically relate them to the building of Babel, you don't even need to mention them here.
When you open a sci-fi book, you set your mind in the "memory mode". You know you're treadding into a whole different universe, so you gotta be alert, because everything the writer mentions in the first chapters will help you understand this universe. And along with the universe, you gotta get familiar with the characters, their ways, their history. Plus you gotta see what the story is about, you're first introduced to the plot.
If you're used to read sci-fi, it's a natural process. I know it is for me. But it's anyway a lot of information to take in.
Some readers just read over names and descriptions, trusting that the plot will set them in the right picture as it goes. I, on the other side, are the nerd-type of reader: I pay a lot of attention to names and descriptions, and when I think I got it, only then I relax. Because I don't like to go back and look up a name or a definition because it looks like I've already read about it and just overlooked it.
So you had me reading about this Babel building story a little more than I needed to get the picture.

About "The Fall". Hand to heart: I didn't understand what the hackers did. I ended up figuring they made the building bots do those images of the jumping man and the bible quote, but it's not clearly explained.
After four paragraphs of learning about Babel's building process, I would've liked the reason of it failure to be a little more explicit. Call me an old stupid cave-woman. Guilty as charged.
However, even if Babel is the setting of several chapters, I would also like to know what it looks like. I mean, is it a complex of buildings, like some fantastic citadel? It's a huge cube of concrete? I know who had the idea of building it, but I don't have the slightest idea what it looks like.

Moving on. After "The Fall" we come to "The Faithfull". Good, we've come to the nowadays reality of Babel.
Plus, it triggers interaction, some good, intriguing, hooking dialogue, which provides a lot of information about the characters, why they're there and that they may have some secret motivations to be there.
I liked that a lot!

By the way, it's the brightest moment of the chapter. Describing the bot as an exclamation mark made my life so much easier! I read the whole description trying to get the picture, then you said that and this Neanderthal smiled and went "Oh, yes! I got it!"
Plus Torre's interpretation of Arjan's look: "Not in front of the kids". That was just great!
Not only quick, and funny, but also informative about the bots and how humans think of them.
You described me the bot and how humans see it in hardly twenty words. That it's just great! --and that's why I was arguing above about too much said about the building of Babel: because you have that rare skill to get your message through in such an effective way with just a few words.

To wrap up about the first chapter, I liked the final surprise. The note, the tea, the candles.
It's a very good hook, leaving your characters following the instructions, like getting ready to enter another domain and oooooh, I wanna know more about it. I wanna walk with them through that door and see what they find. So if this was a book, I'd be forced to keep reading.

Only one thing: who the heck is The Follower?
I mean, I was like "oh-oh we are entering The Faithful's territory, let's see what happens". But you say it's The Follower's domain. Err.... is he the leader of the Faithful? Where are the Faithful? Because I've been reading about them earlier, and I know Arjan suspects they're involved, so (read this as the old lady next door demanding the bank manager to come see her about her ten-dollars account) I don't know this Follower dude pooping out here! I want Arjan and Torre about to enter the Faithful's domain!
Sorry, we old ladies do that kind of thing.
And again: I don't know if you explain who The Follower is, because this is an excerpt. If you do explain, my sincere apologies, and I suggest you include that in the excerpt. If not, maybe you should consider saying something about The Follower before they reach the apartment.

The second chapter is simply brilliant. I loved it.

You give loads and loads of information in a quick-paced dialogue that flows just perfect. You describe the characters, their background, their reasons to be there, you expand the information about the setting. Everything through dialogue.
That's a hell of a skill you have.
All the things I just wrote about the narrtive bumps in chapter one are absent here. From these two, chapter 2 is far the best.

The overall impression is that you know your universe, you're not making it up as you go, and you handle the flow of information about it very well.
I didn't quite like chapter 2 being about something else, because I was expecting to see what happened to Torre and Arjan. But I completely forgot my pouting about it by the third line or so, and I enjoyed every little bit of it.

Now, there are a couple of bumps that throw off the attention. In narrative, there was that long explanation about the building of Babel.
But the serious one is grammar. There are hyphens missing, when you're using a couple of combined adjetives, combined nouns, or an adjective+noun combination as an adjective for the following noun. Example: "the top user experience designers" it should be "the top user-experience designers", because user+experience are working as a whole like an adjective to describe the noun designers--in this case, which kind of designers you're talking about. The effect on the reader is being forced to read it over to see what you're meaning.

However, it shows up mostly in dialogues. Most of the commas are missing. And hey, I know we don't speak like we punctuate, ok? But hey again, it's grammar rules, and there's nothing we can do about it.
Quick example, when Torre says: "So boss," he started etc. It's: "So --comma-- boss," he started etc. And there's no other way around it, whether we like it or not.
I personally hate being forced to add a comma when I start a sentence with a very coloquial "Well." Like: "Well then do it". We don't pause when we say that. However, writing it, I gotta write "Well, then do it."
And there's also some funny wording that slows down the reading.
i.e. when Arjan says: "But it isn't for lack of trust in you"
You have a different way to write the narrative parts and the dialogue lines, which is great, everybody should have it when writing from the third person. And you keep the dialogues in a very down-to-earth, every-day language.
So, wouldn't it be easier if Arjan says something like: "It's not that I don't trust you"?
I don't know, I'm here eating popcorn before my computer in my Jurassic cave, so of course it's just a comment.
But I did find that kind of wording like sort of distracting.

So let's finish recalling your questions:
"feedback regarding how well this communicates the story, the characters, the settings and the conversations in a believable and understandable way."
Yes to all.
You make your point. You know your story and you know your craft.
You communicate plot, characters and settings. And your dialogues are frigging great.
I only found those bumps, but all and all I really liked this, I'd love to read the full texts and of course I'd love to read how this story continues.

So thanks a lot for sharing. It made a great reading for my Sunday.
And feel free to drop by my portfolio for some healthy "takeback" on my items

Read you around!

Monica