"Pinkerton strutted through the school hallway..." I'm not sure "strut" is the best word choice here. This suggests he's proud of something, usually himself. But in this scene, he doesn't seem proud as much as frustrated, maybe even beaten down, which definitely isn't a strut.
Also, I have to say that the above paragraph is the first time I see a tiny hint of the Xarthin writing I know and love, but it's not even really there, either. I'm not sure if you were having an off time or if this item (especially the dialogue in the beginning) just doesn't lend itself to letting you shine or what, but it's just okay. Normally I am totally in love with your writing from the very first paragraph. This time, at least not yet, but let me keep reading. Maybe you need to rework the beginning. Maybe I just need to read further.
In the 2nd big paragraph, you say Professor Pinkerton "...kicked the air and snorted." First, that seems like something a kid or teen would do, not a full grown professor, though that's my opinion. Also, it's pretty cliche and definitely not something I'd expect from your writing. You definitely have better descriptions than that inside you. You also have "...had the principal not rallied to the bureacraut’s defense..." but misspelled "bureaucrat."
In the next paragraph you use the word "abstrusal." I assume you are just making fun of the administrator since that doesn't seem to be an actual derivative of that word. That was on purpose, right?
In the paragraph where he enters the class, you say, "Please be so kind to do your duty as class representative..." It's more common to say, "Please be so kind as to..." I saw it without "as" in some places, but less commonly
"Pinkerton gazed at the students flowing to their chairs. Just like bees after their queen he thought with a grin. Miss Vera Steiner had perfect grades, absolute command of everything he taught her, not to mention of the classmates she represented. There had never been a doubt in his heart that girl was the tip of a pilum eager to carve her way into the body of society." This is a little more of what I expect from you. Good job.
"A leader should never show weakness he thought, trying to reassert himself." This is from the next paragraph. Normally when you show thinking, you put it in italics. I'm not great at this type of thing, but I think it would be "A leader should never show weakness, he thought, trying to reassert himself." (The quotation marks wouldn't be in your version.)
“Wasn’t today the day of the oral exam, Professor?” Since class is just beginning, they'd probably ask this in present tense with "Isn't today..."
"The boy mouthed what seemed to Pinkerton a mixture between an answer and a plea for mercy." Hilarious. Good job!
""...Today Mr. Stukov will be examined” said the teacher..." There should be a comma after "examined."
"“Professor Pinkerton, what is the meaning of this?” asked Mrs. Steiner.
“Exactly what I said, Miss Steiner.”
“With all due respect, we find this highly irregular—”" I think part of what I don't like is that the speech seems kind of stilted and fake--like you are trying to make it too academic. I've been to college and folks don't talk like that. lol
"...the boy was not able to distinguish an Ode of Horace from a fart." I don't care for the word "fart" here. I feel like he'd use a more academic term since all his speech is so high. But that's just my opinion. Maybe that's what you were going for, but since it's from the professor's point of view, I'm not sure I buy it.
"...Mr. Stukov today has well earned an A+, with my compliments” said Pinkertoon..." There should be a comma after "compliments." Basically, if you are doing any kind of "said" stuff after speaking (or before), there should be a comma. And I'm not sure if you know this, but at least in American English, the comma ALWAYS goes inside the quotation marks. In British English, it varies, or so I hear, but I say in this case you should adapt the American way since it's easier.
"...eyes flashing with the rage of a Gorgon." As usual, I've used Google several times throughout reading your piece. lol Nice addition here, for sure.
"A lesson you will have to learn once you graduatd." Note the typo at the end there.
“And what kind of lesson would that be, Professor?” I'd like some sort of description of her as she's speaking here. Otherwise it seems like just a normal question, IMO.
"The teacher shrugged. “As I was saying, once you leave these hallowed halls you will enter the real world. You will get a job, probably in some company making soap, woodwork or whatever else our consumer society loves to consume. And no matter the amount of knowledge or wits you possess, you will no doubt end up taking orders day after day from a moronic boss who will be less intelligent, less skilled, less capable, less knowledgeable than any of you. And he, or she, or whatever else sexual identity this age of profligates is able to conceive, will receive all the credit for all your achievements and hard work, a higher paycheck, better benefits, a wider office and longer vacations. This is but a taste of what is bound to happen.”" Very interesting lesson here. Though I'm not sure about the sexual identity thing. I know where it's coming from and I get it, but it seems perhaps a bit out of place since there was no reference to anything like that before.
"Like a Centurion leading legionaries he thought with a smirk and a tinge of pride." Again, I'd use italics. "Like a Centurion leading legionaries, he thought with a smirk and a tinge of pride."
"“Vox Populi, Vox Dei” said Pinkerton, bursting into laughter." Several times you use Latin without translating. I'd suggest a translation so the reader can get the best benefit from the quote. Most folks are probably too lazy to google it.
Well, I'm not sure how I feel about this story except perhaps disappointed--Sorry. I mean, it wasn't bad. But it wasn't your typically awesome stuff. I'm not sure if you were off or what. It's an interesting concept, though. |