Wonderful piece. I enjoyed reading it quite a bit. You had great rhythm, but I did notice that you deviated from your structure on the 5th stanza. The first and fourth line rhymed instead of the second and fourth. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not, so I'll leave that for you to decide. Otherwise, great job!
Great poem, Dermit. The only suggestion I have is that you work on the last line of the middle stanza. It's fine the way it is, if you decide not too. For some reason, when I read it the first time, it knocked me out of the rhythm of the pice. On the second time through, however, it didn't cause a problem. So, it's up to you. Good job
This one was good, and sadly one I can relate to. The only thing I can suggest is that you try to reword some of the lines to give it a bit more flow. Some of the lines with more syllables made me stumble as I read it. However, that is only my opinion. Nice job
Poems don't have to be overly detailed to be good. Sometimes what you leave out can be more descriptive than anything you could have put on paper. This poem is a good example of that. There's enough detail to allow the reader to feel the emotion of it all, but enough is left out to let our minds fill in the gaps.
This was a very interesting tale, and sadly very familiar (I work at Target too). Despite completely understanding what you were writing about from first-hand experience, this was fun to read. The only thing I would suggest is that you seperate some of the longer sections into shorter paragraphs. The large bulks of text just seem daunting if you're scanning to see how long it is. Plus, it'll help readers keep their place a little easier. Thanks for posting it. It was a good read after work.
Very well done. You get the mood across nicely. I did notice a typo, if it was one. In the fourth stanza, you forgot to capitalize an 'I'. Otherwise, this was a good piece
I like this piece. It had a good sense of mood. For a first attempt at poetry, it wasn't bad at all. I only had two suggestions. The first may or may not be a typo, but shoudn't the title be "Death's Door" instead of "Deaths Door"? The second suggestion I had would be to shorten the length of each stanza. This will help you create rhythem in your piece. All you should have to do is slice each stanza in half. For example, the first lines would be like this:
Passing beneath moonlight clear,
I wandered far and near
And so on. Each line doesn't have to rhyme, I'm sure you know, but you get the idea. Keep on writing.
Very funny. I like your conversational flow. It's more like a journal entry (which I'm guessing it is) than a short story. If stuff like this happens to you all the time, you might have a long series on your hands if you decide to continue with regular installments. Nige job.
Excellent work. This was an extremely descriptive and introspective piece. I had started reading at a glance and could not pull myself away until the end. Admittedly, the emergence of the boy confused me a bit, but after living within the mind of a plant for the past few minutes, I really didn't care. You almost could have done without the appended section. The ending was beautifully bittersweet without it.
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