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1
1
Review of Childhood Trauma  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Marvin!

Funnily enough, I hit the random R&R, and this came up! Funny because you have my journal right now in the Circle Journals project, and still the universe seems to have felt that I needed to read this. And I have to say I'm very glad that this was brought to my attention.

It isn't the sort of the thing I can review in the traditional sense of the word - writing like this, just openly sharing your thoughts and experiences, shouldn't be criticized or technically addressed. However, what I would like to say, is that your experiences and your willingness to express yourself through writing in this manner is a very inspirational thing! Many people who struggle with the same pains and challenges that you have gone through could read this and feel uplifted. It would make them feel less alone, and from that perspective I call this a win. I'm sorry that you had to live through such difficulty, but it seems to have made you a strong and resilient person who can serve as an example for others who may not be feeling so strong in whatever they are currently going through. Trauma can heal

In conclusion, please keep writing like this; keep sharing yourself with the world and staying strong, keep being an inspiration to those who need to hear that they are not suffering alone. And always keep striving to better understand yourself - that is a journey we should all continually be on no matter how far we've come.

Thank you for sharing Marvin *Vine1*

Sincerely,
*Bird* The Huntress *Bird*
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2
2
Review of Nobody's Shoe  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


*Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg*

Hey there Jimminycritic ! I'm dropping in to read and review your piece for the "Invalid Item"  Personification Contest - thanks for sharing! I don't know about you but I had a lot of fun with this contest and I'm looking forward to digging into your offering, so here goes *Smile*

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* This story surprised me! I don't want to spoil it for anyone reading this review who might wish to read the piece themselves, but I will say that the quick unexpected turn of events at the end was not something I saw coming. It was fun to read something that started out with such a lighthearted feel, then suddenly realize what dark events are actually unfolding. Great job!

*Star* I enjoyed the existentialism you worked into the internal thoughts of the shoe. Who knew a simple running shoe could reflect so deeply on the purpose of its 'life' and the lives it has lived before. I also thought the idea of a shoe's "soul" being reborn in multiple lifetimes was really cool and unexpected.

*Star* Strangely, my sole mate has nothing to add. This was such a charming little play on words too, I giggled out loud when I read it. So delightful and so effortlessly incorporated!

*Star* First Person can be so difficult to write, but I think you made it look pretty easy here, and your personal style comes across very naturally in this story. I can tell that you have a great sense of humor, but the twist at the end was a trip to a slightly darker place and I very much enjoyed the ride!

*Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg*

Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

The blisters were really a small thing when considering what I most often protected the feet from!
*Check* This line feels a tiny bit clunky to me, for lack of a better word. It might just need to be rearranged a bit so it doesn't end with a preposition.

I’ve often wondered if another pair of shoes out there was me at this very same moment, but I think I would remember that if it were true. “That is a strange thought,” I say to myself. Strangely, my sole mate has nothing to add.
I wonder, a bit, if my host has the same issues and decide very quickly that their issues must be worse and somehow the thought brings me comfort. I let that thought go.
*Check* There was a lot of repetition in this section, which really distracted from how interesting the narrative itself is here. I've highlighted all the repeated words - I struggle myself with finding different ways to say the same/similar things; repetition can be such an easy trap to fall into for anyone! A simple rewrite could smooth this out.

Okay, I am lying. I care; I do care, but mostly for feet.
*Check* I feel like you only need to say this once: (e.g. - Okay, I'm lying. I do care, but mostly for feet.)

My built in softness gently caresses her foot as she pushes herself deep into my folds.
The yipping was defiantly getting closer now and I urge her to run faster.
*Check* built-inshould be hyphenated. And was this supposed to be 'definitely'? That would make the most sense in the context so I figured it was probably just a typo, which could be so easily overlooked since spellcheck wouldn't catch it *Smile*

The yipping was defiantly getting closer now and I urge her to run faster. Something in the yipping made my laces taught. What could they want? I could tell from the yipping that the shoes had regressed with their hosts.
*Check* This is another section with a lot of repetition of the same word. I'm not sure what word you could use as a substitute that would still express the same description of the sound... Perhaps a rewrite instead to condense the lines into something that has less need for the word itself? You would know better than I would what would work best here, I just wanted to bring it to your attention.

They don’t think, not like I do, but they sure look fine to me.
*Check* I feel like this should be set off by hyphens instead of commas, in my opinion.

*Check* My only other small note would be to be mindful of your use of tense. There are a few moments where it feels like borderline tense disagreement and gets a little confusing as to whether things are happening in the past of present. 1st person POV is often tricky like that, so it's just something to be aware of, though it was by no means glaring enough to detract from the overall enjoyment of this story.

*Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg* *Bulletg*

I had so much fun reading this, thank you again for sharing it! Your writing style has such a nice edge of humor to it, and this was an excellent adventure in personification indeed. Best of luck in the contest!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
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3
3
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. My goal here is to provide you with a thorough, honest, and encouraging critique that will hopefully be helpful to you. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


Hey ToucanTheRainwing ! I'm dropping in to leave you a review as one of our Newbies! You've been doing a great job in your classes so far - keep up the good work!

*Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird*

First, I will share with you what I liked about the piece:


*Vignette5* This is wonderfully creative! It's a good start to a fun, fantastical story and reading it made me smile. Fantasy can be tough to write, especially when you blend it with the real world, but this seemed like a genre that you're very comfortable with.

*Vignette5* Technically speaking, your writing is very sound with few mistakes. This may be a result of thorough editing or natural skill, but regardless it's impressive! You write with confidence and there is a casual but fun tone built into this that feels lighthearted.

“I... I don’t know,” she managed to croak with a shaky voice.
*Vignette5* This is an excellent use of descriptive words in narrative writing! The way you used the words croak and shaky here make it so that I can imagine precisely the way this young girl said that line of dialogue, which is always more immersive for your reader. I personally believe that a balanced use of creative descriptive language in any piece of writing, regardless of genre, really lends it so much more dimension and depth. Descriptive writing can always be a great way to "show" instead of "tell" the reader facets of your character's personality and/or state of mind. Great job!

*Vignette5* I am unfamiliar with the source material this fiction stems from, however after perusing several of the pieces from your portfolio I find the subjects and overall premise to be charming, whimsical, and fun! Reading your work has made me want to read more in this world setting, and that is no small thing. I can also feel your love for this particular source material, which I believe is the Wings of Fire book series by Tui T. Sutherland.

*Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird*

Now, a few observations that I wanted to relate to you:

*Bird* I feel strongly that the story should begin with The girl instead of A girl. "A girl" feels too non-specific and makes me pay less attention to who she is, what her history might be. The vagueness gives the impression that she might not be the main character, may not be the most important person in the scene, though the remainder of the piece seems to imply the opposite. You want to make sure your reader is invested in the right character from the start!

A door unlocked behind her and she whirled around, tensing and getting ready to run. The door opened and a portly woman probably around the age of fifty appeared in the frame.
*Bird* Be mindful of repetition - it can be especially glaring in shorter works, where there isn't as much space between uses for your reader to see it with fresh eyes. I also noticed that you began two consecutive paragraphs with "The girl -", again, careful of repetition. It can be difficult to consistently find new ways to start a sentence or begin a paragraph, but it's important for the overall quality of the piece that you keep changing it up.

*Bird* The general structure of this is very much in medias res - clearly something major and life-altering has already happened to our main character! This can be an excellent device for storytelling, but if you're not careful it can come across as incomplete or that some of the narrative is missing. You stated that this was a work in progress, so I trust that you plan on adding in some additional details and fleshing this out a bit so the story seems a little more connected.

*Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird*

You have great bones for fun and exciting fantasy story here and I look forward to seeing where you go with this. I very much enjoyed my visit to your portfolio, thank you for sharing your work and keep writing!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Huntress *Bird*
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4
4
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. My goal here is to provide you with a thorough, honest, and encouraging critique that will hopefully be helpful to you. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


Hey MaureenS ! The title (and description) of this poem grabbed my attention and I couldn't resist stopping by to read it and review it. Much like yourself, I am rather enamored of the moon in all her states, but most especially a full moon! So I immediately recognized a kindred spirit in you before I read single word of this.

*Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird*

First, I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Vignette5* My goodness did I love this delightful little poem! It sang to me, speaking directly to my own love for the light of the full moon. I have always felt so drawn to moonlight, enchanted by it and by the heavenly body that produces it, and I read all of those feelings reflected here in your words. It made me smile, remembering the many nights I have found myself gazing up at the moon and actually feeling it touch me, like one can feel sunlight touching them. This poem captures that sensation so effortlessly, as well as the simple joy of reveling in one of nature's greatest wonders.

Her light shone on the hills.
Her light cast shadows of the trees.
Her light danced and skipped on the sea,
bathing the swells and curls with
silvery light
*Vignette5* The imagery you invoke with these lines is so perfect, I can picture it just so in my mind, but superimposed over places that I love and know personally: the trees of my family's land, the sloping hills there where I grew up, the waves shining under the moonlight when I saw the ocean for the first time as a child. I think anyone reading this would find themselves reminiscing the same way, and that is such a beautiful effect of these seemingly simple lines, unintended or not.

The moon followed me home tonight.
“Can I keep her?” I whispered sleepily
*Vignette5* This is my favorite part! I adore the unique anthropomorphism used here, referring to the moon as if it were some perfect silk-furred cat that followed our narrator home in the dark. This is an especially interesting turn of phrase because the moon is referred to as 'her' and 'she' throughout the first part of the poem, giving the reader an implication of a more traditional type of anthropomorphism. But in this last line the impression is more animal, and sweetly so, with an air of innocence. This innocence is mirrored by the narrator's words and actions, as read in the phrase 'curled up, warm and sleepy,', which to my mind invokes visions of young children or young domestic animals when they are tired and drifting off gently to sleep without a care in the world. Truly wonderful!

*Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird*

Now, a few observations that I wanted to relate to you:

*Bird* This is very well written, I have nothing technical really to touch on and with this being poetry I cannot critique this for 'proper' punctuation and the like. The beauty of poetry is the freedom of its expression! There were only a few very minor stylistic suggestions that I think might improve the overall flow.

North, west, then turning south
she still followed me, staying above me
shining her light, hanging full and round in the sky.
*Bird* I would suggest swapping the underlined words with one another. Every time I read it, I read those two words switched so that it was 'still she' instead, because it feels like more of a flow with the way you've built the other lines in this part.

She followed me all the way home, watching,
seeing me safely inside
*Bird* I added a comma and the word 'seeing' to the front of the following line for the same purpose, that it feels like it flows better and draws out the syllables a bit more for a closer fit in the stanza overall. Without this addition the last line in this segment felt a bit abrupt, a little too chopped off for what is otherwise a very smooth rhythm leading up to it.

*Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird* *Vignette5* *Bird*

I enjoyed reading this so much, thank you for sharing it! Now excuse me while I go find some moonlight to drown in :)

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Huntress *Bird*
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5
5
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. My goal here is to provide you with a thorough, honest, and encouraging critique that will hopefully be helpful to you. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


Hey LazyWriter ! I am dropping in to give each of our Newbies a review before classes start up soon, just as a little welcome to our group :)

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star*  This is so very relatable - all writers know the struggle you speak of so personally here, and the feelings of inadequancy that inevitably follow artistic pursuits. Reading this made me recall many of those moments when I wondered what it was all for, why I was trying so hard when it often felt like I was getting nowhere. But it also reminded me of the passion and personal fulfillment that writing has always brought me, that it's always worth it.

*Star*  This line really touched me the most:
Tell me if I have any place in this writing world
Would anybody pick up the book of an Asian girl?
There's so much impact in just this short section, and you did wonderful job of capturing an emotion. It's layered too, including your ethnic heritage and how that influences your feelings as a writer. It's a unique personal perspective that lends more gravity to the poem.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*

Now, a few observations that I wanted to relate to you:

*Check* It is a bit on the 'dramatic' side, as you put it. It reads a bit more like a journal entry than a poem, however there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. It just sounds like such a personal expression of inner turmoil, some readers might shy away from reading something so bare and honest. I commend you for the openness and bravery it took share this.

I'm shriveled up inside
It's so difficult to find the energy to try hard
*Check* Technically speaking this poem is well-written, and since it's poetry I can't really critique it for 'proper' punctuation/sentence structure/grammar. There was only one small thing I noticed that I wanted to point out. The highlighted word in red in the line above feels out of place to me, and disrupts the flow of the piece as well as breaking up the loose rhyming scheme you have going. Simply removing the word would fix this though, in my opinion!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*

I very much enjoyed reading this piece - I know it isn't easy to share something so personal with the public, even in a place amongst your peers. Thank you for being courageous enough to do so! And remember, it is always worth it, and you will always have a place here where people will listen and help you. Great job and welcome to the group!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Huntress *Bird*
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6
6
Rated: E | (3.5)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. My goal here is to provide you with a thorough, honest, and encouraging critique that will hopefully be helpful to you. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*

Hey LazyWriter ! I'm dropping in to give each of our Newbies a review as little welcome to the group!

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star*  This is so very relatable - all writers know the struggle you speak of so personally here, and the feelings of inadequancy that inevitably follow artistic pursuits. Reading this made me recall many of those moments when I wondered what it was all for, why I was trying so hard when it often felt like I was getting nowhere. But it also reminded me of the passion and personal fulfillment that writing has always brought me, that it's always worth it.

*Star*  This line really touched me the most:
Tell me if I have any place in this writing world
Would anybody pick up the book of an Asian girl?
There's so much impact in just this short section, and you did wonderful job of capturing an emotion. It's layered too, including your ethnic heritage and how that influences your feelings as a writer. It's a unique personal perspective that lends more gravity to the poem.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*

Now, a few observations that I wanted to relate to you:

*Check* It is a bit on the 'dramatic' side, as you put it. It reads a bit more like a journal entry than a poem, however there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. It just sounds like such a personal expression of inner turmoil, some readers might shy away from reading something so bare and honest. I commend you for the openness and bravery it took share this.

I'm shriveled up inside
It's so difficult to find the energy to try hard
*Check* Grammatically speaking this is well written, and since it's poetry I can't really critique it for 'proper' punctuation/sentence structure. There was only one small thing I noticed that I wanted to point out. The highlighted word in red in the line above feels out of place to me, and disrupts the flow of the piece as well as breaking up the loose rhyming scheme you have going. Simply removing the word would fix this though!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*

I very much enjoyed reading this piece - I know it isn't easy to share something so personal with the public, even in a place amongst your peers. Thank you for being courageous enough to do so! And remember, it is always worth it, and you will always have a place here where people will listen and help you. Great job and welcome to the group!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Huntress *Bird*
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7
7
Review of Realization  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Whit Emerson ! Welcome to WdC! This is an amazing community of like-minded people who find passion and joy in the written word (whether they are producing it, consuming it, or both) and equally find joy in the sharing of this experience. It's a place that comes to mean so much to those who are a part of it, as a place they can truly be themselves without judgment and instead receive the support and encouragement of others like themselves but from all walks of life. I'm glad you found us here :)

This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. My goal here is to provide you with a thorough, honest, and encouraging critique that will hopefully be helpful to you. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


First, I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star*  It can be difficult to offer critique on a piece that is clearly so personal, as it defies the 'norms' that apply to structured writing. This is more like a glimpse into your heart as you offer it on the page, and truly, I was moved. I could feel your pain and disillusionment, I could recognize in your words many of my own misgivings about the current state of the world we live in. I found your thoughts to be both powerfully sad and powerfully insightful. Not all great revelations are happy ones, but through a better understand of ourselves and our reality we can come to terms with what living life really means. It's not always pretty, and often it hurts so damn much, but ultimately it is worth it. We find bright things worth holding onto through the storm, like the smile of the one we love. Like being fully and completely accepted by someone who sees who you truly are.

*Star*  You write with such passion, it comes through so clearly. That is not something that can be taught - hold onto that passion fiercely! Let it guide you and inspire you and you'll continue to create powerful pieces of verbal artistry as well as find a conduit for all the intense emotions that need somewhere to go. You're putting them on the page, and that has so much value.

*Star*  Technically speaking I can tell that either you have been writing for some time, or you are simply naturally talented. There were some turns of phrase in this piece that I found very striking:

*Bird* Those who have been through the most tragic pain smile the brightest because the world has shifted its view.
*Bird* The things people say in my dreams are the things people hide from me because of fear.
*Bird* We are left scrounging for tools that may not even be the right ones.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Now, a few observations that I wanted to relate to you:

*Check* I fully understand that this was written in a moment of intense emotion, that is is an outpouring of feeling that leaves no room for careful editing as-you-go, as you would with more 'formal' types of writing. Even knowing that, there are not many errors that need attention. A quick read-through on your part to scan for missed punctuation and misspelled words would solve nearly all of these. And here are just a few other more specific things I noticed:

The one who despite everything hurricaining is my comfort.
There is so much potential in this simple line, and I definitely feel it should be left in. A small bit of adjustment could make it read more clearly so your reader gets that great visual and the emotion that drives it. Suggestion: "The one who, despite everything spinning out of control, is my comfort." or "The one who, despite the hurricane, is my comfort."

Every time I think of letting go. There is a sign telling me to stay. How much longer of this torture?
Just a minor structural issue here - the first two sentences should be combined into one. The second sentence is a bit confusing, which I think is because of the language chosen. It feels like an incomplete thought, so a few added/amended words are an easy solution. Example: How much longer can I endure this torture?" or "When will this torture end?"

Love is dry in this world of material and everything shining. It needs to be brought back.
The first line here feels a little awkward when reading it, and a simple rewrite could ease that. Something like "Love is dry in this world of the material, where everything is shining (shiny?)." The second line just need a few words added in, which I have done in blue.

*Check* My only other suggestion for this piece would be to give it a bit more structure overall, like separating the related thoughts into paragraphs. Format can do a lot to lend weight and impact to a piece, and this is an easy way to also make your writing more "digestible" so to speak for even a casual reader who comes across it. You have such a fantastic point of view, you don't want your voice getting lost in the jumble.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*

Thank you for sharing this glimpse into your heart, it was an experience I appreciate greatly and I know it's never easy to lay your soul bare for the world to see. Reading your words made me pause to think, and made me relate to you in a way that felt profound. Your struggle is the struggle so many people suffer in silence - more of us should find our courage to speak it out loud, as you have here, so that we know we are not alone. Well done.

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Huntress *Bird*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
8
Review of Phineas  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. My goal here is to provide you with a thorough, honest, and encouraging critique that will hopefully be helpful to you. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Bird* *Bird* *Bird* *Bird* *Bird* *Bird* *Bird*

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* What a delightful surprise this read was! That may sound strange considering the subject matter, but I always enjoy a well-written and well-executed piece of fiction that can catch me off guard, and this accomplished that brilliantly. I truly did not expect that ending and I was genuinely (and pleasantly) surprised by it. A very clever fictional turn.

*Star* There was very little error in this that I could find - you clearly have a talent not just for intriguing narrative but for the technical aspects of writing as well. Your grammar is solid, your overall structure a perfect vehicle for the story therein. Poor technical skills can distract from what would otherwise be an excellent story, but this is obviously something you will never have to worry yourself with!

*Star* Phineas is the clear star and titular character of this short piece, but you really make him shine is just over 1200 words! That is not easy to do, I know. Building a believable character that your reader will care about in such a limited space for expression can be such a challenge, and I think you did a wonderful job. Not only does Phineas seem very real (and you managed this with only 5 lines of spoken dialogue from him!), but you made his point of view within the story real enough that your "grain of truth" is more believable as well. Well done!
*Bird* *Bird* *Bird* *Bird* *Bird* *Bird* *Bird*

Now, a few observations that I wanted to relate to you:

He reached in and took out the blue disc; it pulsated and glowed bright blue.
A voice that sounded much very like his mother’s whispered in his ear. “Change your name, it’s only ever brought you pain, use the only thing your father, Fred Billingsgate, ever gave to you."
*Check* The first part of this section is a bit repetitive with the double use of the word 'blue'. A simple change of the phrase 'bright blue' to 'brightly' could correct this, just a suggestion. I also added the word 'much' into the following line, to help it flow a bit better in my opinion. Commas can be such a pain! I struggle with them myself and I'm always looking for a second eye in my own work to help me spot where I have misused them or left them out. Here I would suggest the first comma (marked in red) should instead be a semicolon or hyphen for continuation of the thought without breaking it up too choppily. And I feel the second comma should be changed to a period to complete that thought before beginning the next line. Then start the next sentence fresh, "Use the only thing your father, Fred Billingsgate, ever gave you." (Added comma marked in green.)

The man stepped from the vehicle, his appearance that of someone ordinary.
*Check* Grammatically there is absolutely nothing wrong with this, and I like the imagery actually of someone perfectly ordinary climbing out into such admiration. It speaks of transformation while letting the reader know that this is a man who remains true to himself. I don't know if you had a word limit on this story that you were trying to stick to, but I believe this is a prime opportunity to expand a bit on the scene we are meant to imagine here. It could be a great place to add in some description that really puts the reader there. Also, rewriting the line to read a bit more smoothly could help with this - example: An ordinary man stepped out of the limousine , nothing exceptional about his appearance except that he was smiling.

“What’s up with you?” Fred sneered, “is that a black eye?”
*Check* For dialogue, though I know it feels counter-intuitive, the beginning of a new line of dialogue should be capitalized. I would consider ended 'Fred sneered.' with a period instead.

The sound of his father coming up the stairs, made him hold his breath. The heavy footsteps paused outside his bedroom, before moving on.
*Check* The commas are splicing your sentences and should be removed. I also added in a suggested word to keep this section from sounding too brief and adding a bit of drama with the specification but that is more a stylistic choice and entirely up to you of course.

Sitting next to the window, he rubbed a circle in the steamed up glass, cars sped past, horns blared, headlights on, even though it was not yet dark, and wondered what was to become of him.
*Check* I feel that this section would read much more smoothly if it were broken up into two complete sentences rather than one run-on, especially since there is some great imagery here that you don't want lost in the jumble. Consider breaking it up after 'glass', and starting a new sentence for the second part. Example: Sitting next to the window, he rubbed a circle in the steamed-up glass. Cars sped past with headlights on even though it was not yet dark, horns blared, and the young man wondered what was to become of him.

*Check* You might also consider adding in some narrative that better transitions/describes his mother's departure and the changes that come over Phineas as a result. The beginning has such high impact, when he is listening to his father beat his mother from the next room and it's no wonder she wanted to leave. But I found myself wondering what became of her. Why did she never make any attempt at all to come back into her son's life? To get him away from her brutish and abusive husband? What kind of mother leaves her child permanently in such a terrible situation. And if she was indeed the kind of person who would do such a terribly selfish thing, then I think as a reader I would like more detail on her personality to shed light on that fact.

*Bird* *Bird* *Bird* *Bird* *Bird* *Bird* *Bird*

Overall I very much enjoyed reading this, and I want to thank you for the opportunity to visit to your portfolio and get to know you a little better through it. You are a talented writer with an excellent eye for intriguing characters who immediately capture the attention of your reader, and if you have that then you have gold! All the other pieces will fall into place as you learn and grow. Well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Huntress *Bird*
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*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


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Greetings Nicki! I just wanted to stop by and give your challenge entry a read, then I just had to leave you my thoughts on it (this isn't a formal review!) because I found it so striking!

You have an intensely interesting character here who I think most people could relate to. I certainly found myself drawn to her, relating my own outlook on life to hers and comparing my childhood experience to hers. Also, the way that you wrote this character sketch, the style that you so effortlessly wove into it while simultaneously communicating the desired information about Piper (great name, by the way!), was inspired and inspiring. Excellent work Nic! You most definitely earned the immunity idol with this one, and I would LOVE to read a story with this character at its center!

Great job with the foreshadowing at the end there, too - that just made me want to read more and this wasn't even a story, technically ^_^

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura
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10
10
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


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Hello there little turtle, my fellow Rising Star and my Newbie (soon to be Alumni)! I am bringing this review to you as an M2M Review for April! There was a lot of fun reading to be had in your Portfolio, but settled on this one to review, for reasons to follow. I enjoyed my visit, and I hope you enjoy my feedback!

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* What I noticed first was the impressive level of technical skill that was clearly shown in your writing! I was sufficiently impressed by the wise arrangement of lines, correct punctuation, and the nice balance between the straightforward and the creative within in the piece.

*Star* You have a wonderful talent for making a well-written piece feel effortless, fun and easy to take in. Sometimes in a piece of writing that is executed technically well there is a feeling of it being 'over-edited'; in other words, worked over and picked apart so much that it no longer has the flow and ease of a singular, cohesive piece of writing. Technical excellence isn't everything in writing, and consciously or not you have a great sense for that.

*Star* My favorite part of this was the delightful humor! It was refreshing to read something that didn't take itself so terribly seriously, and I found myself chuckling out loud throughout. My fiance asked me what was so funny so I showed the story to him, and he thought it was hilarious! The fact that you can elicit an honest reaction of good humor from two completely different types of readers (and believe me, my fiance and myself are VERY different in that respect) speaks very highly of your skills as a writer. Humor, despite how easy you make it look, is something many writers struggle with getting a handle on... Like dialogue, it can feel forced and/or scripted if not penned carefully. But that isn't anything you have to worry about!

*Star* This is such an original, creative idea. I grew up watching and reading James Bond's adventures, as well as his many conquests of the fairer sex, and as a woman myself I wondered sometimes what happened to those satisfied femme fatales that he left behind. He was always in love with a new girl - but what about the last one? Not only did you answer this question in a brilliant and hilarious way, but you added a fantastic and memorable twist to it by making it so that she was 'trapped' in their scene, whether he was there with her or not. I thought it was a stroke of genius!

*Star* Your character development, of both the Bond Girl AND the absentee James, was fascinating and fun to be a part of, not to mention exactly what I hope it would be. And I didn't even realize it was what I wanted! If that isn't the sign of a talented writer, I don't know what it - you gave me what I wanted from this story before even I knew what that something was. Impressive! You gave such a real, vibrant personality to the girl and to James, a well-known character in both film and literature, but at no point did I think that you were trying to 'convince' me that your way was the better way to imagine these characters. I naturally came to that decision on my own through the sheer enjoyment I felt while reading this piece.

*Star* Your ending gets a big *Thumbsup*! Loved it.

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Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

*Check* There are no technical corrections I can make, or even any structural suggestions I can make - the execution of this piece was virtually flawless! So I thought I would just point out a few things I noticed that are more aesthetic observations than critiques, so I hope they are helpful. I am not accustomed to having so little I could say critically about a piece!

*Check* I caught a few instances of tense disagreement and confusion in the tense of the narrative that could potentially snag a reader's attention too, and you may want to just do a careful read-over of the piece to be sure that you have a consistent tense throughout, from beginning to end. Tense disagreement is one of my greatest faults in writing that I must constantly be actively watching out for in my work, so believe me, I know how tricky it can be to keep up with. Especially when you are writing a piece as unique as this one, where tense is possibly skewed because 'time' itself in this story is not exactly linear.

*Check* Several of the 'paragraphs' began with the word 'I', which is usually an issue for me in any writing. It wasn't such a big deal in this piece because of its style and because many of those 'paragraphs' were only one sentence or two, and being from her perspective it would make sense that people think in terms of 'I'. It is just something I noticed and that you might want to consider varying, although I didn't feel it detracted from the story in the least.

*Check* My only other critique would be details. I am a complete sucker for details because I feel that they bring a story to life, make it real for the reader, and make it memorable. Well, this piece was quite memorable because of its originality and sense of humor, but I imagine how much more impressed and moved I would have been if I had more details added into the experience. Such as, what is the Bond Girl wearing? What does SHE look like? One of the iconic things about Bond Girls is that they were sexy, beautiful, diverse women who were usually in the most current fashion of the moment. I don't know if you were under a word-count constraint for this, but it could only benefit from an injection of details!

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I was delighted with my visit to your Portfolio, Kilpik, and hope to make a return to it soon! You are unquestionably talented, a wonderful addition to this community. Keep up the great work, I look forward to reading more from you in the future! Fantastic job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
~ Laura
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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11
11
Review of Sparks  
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

Hello fellow Rising Star! This is a Member 2 Member Review - I hope your enjoy my feedback!


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First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* I must say, I am very impressed with your work! You have a clear knack for intense short fiction, which happens to be one of my favorite things to both read and write. At first I was not sure what to expect from this piece, but found myself quickly drawn into it and forgetting that I was reading this specifically to be critical of it. When I reached the end of the piece it was only then that I remembered my purpose, and happily went back to read it again. That is the sign of an excellently conceived and executed piece of work, when your reader becomes so lost in it that they can focus on nothing else while they are taking in those words.

*Star* Your characters were very well-developed and realistic, carrying this personal story on their shoulders with grace. I felt connected to both of them and invested in what happened to them, even with this story being so short. You crafted both with just enough detail and care that I believed them. Believable characters are notoriously difficult to create, but you made it seem so wonderfully effortless. Reese especially was the heart of this story, and I found myself very drawn to him. Wonderful work!

*Star* I loved the style with which you wrote this, especially the imagery you laced into it and the unusual way you chose to describe some things. I could see your personality in every line, the way you composed every phrase, and that is not a common occurrence. It can be a risk, because not all readers will 'get' it, but it is a risk worth taking for when it is successful because you set your work apart and give it a unique voice, making it memorable, powerful, and infinitely more interesting.

*Star* There was not much dialogue in this, but what there was, and the interaction between the characters, felt very natural and honest. That can be tricky to achieve, so I was very pleased to see it done so well here.

*Star* What a great idea for a story! It was creative and original, but refreshingly simplistic. Though I am not usually a fan of 'romantic' stories, this one really appealed to me, and I think that is largely because of how unique it was. It was not typical, expected 'romance', and this is such an interesting way to bring these two characters together. If more romances were written this way, I would be a huge fan of the genre!

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Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Reese scoffed.
*Check* I placed a comma here that was missing, which I believe was just a small oversight as this problem did not persist in your other dialogue.

He’d employed the idea of an explosion, in hope to illustrate his wilder side to Heather.
*Check* Your writing is truly exemplary, and finding anything to comment on for improvement was actually something of a challenge. There was only one actual error that I caught, and everything else is merely an aesthetic observation and suggestions for alternatives. These are intended to help you polish and refine what is already a fantastic and technically excellent story. For this first one, I got a little hung up on the highlighted phrase, thinking it sounded just slightly awkward. I might suggest rewording just that part very slightly, like this: 'He'd employed the idea of an explosion, with the hope of illustrating his wilder side to Heather.' or ', hoping to illustrate his wilder side to Hannah.'

Reese’s hands reached the temperature of the sun; his every inch of skin felt like it was impossibly constructed of electricity. His head hit the hard ground, and any vision fled to white.
*Check* Just a few suggestions for alternatives words here that I feel might add a little more drama and intensity to the tone of this moment. For 'constructed' I would suggest 'composed', because for me that word just seems more congruent with what you are describing. And instead of 'any' I would suggest 'all', as it seems a more appropriate word when talking about vision, which is usually an 'all or nothing' sense. Also it feels more finial, since he is in fact blacking out.

A bony grip shook at his shoulder. His charred eyelids bickered as he forced them away from one another. His mother looked down on his bandaged self, tears already cascading over her cheeks and her chin.

The whimpering woman cautiously approached the bed, and ran her shaky hands under his limb.
*Check* I pulled these two lines out because I caught a small inconsistency in the text. The first line here, which is the beginning paragraph in the second part of the story, places his mother at his bedside, close enough to put a hand on his shoulder and look down at him. Then in the next paragraph she has to cross the room to lift his arm for him, but at what point did she walk away? I read through this part several times to be sure I didn't miss some minute detail, but at no point does the text mention her moving away from him. I suppose the reader could assume that she moved and it simply wasn't mentioned, and not all readers would even catch it, but for those that would it might make them feel like you aren't thinking about the details. And I know that you, as such a clearly talented writer, understand the importance of details!

Where his beautifully decorated hand had been before he’d fallen into sleep, there now sat a red and black congregation of twisted flesh.
*Check* I was very moved by the vision this line gave me, it was powerful and striking, but something gave me pause. 'Beautifully decorated hand'? That gives me the idea that his hand was either tattooed or he wore a lot of jewelry, but no details like that are given either beforehand (no pun intended!) or at this point. This is important because if the reader knows what his hand looked like before, the contrast will be that much higher when his newly deformed hand is revealed, heightening the drama. It would be as simple as adding in a description of his hand somewhere in the beginning, which would be easy since you talk about the hands so much when they are trying to light the wick.

“Here, try mine,” he comforted, his eyes fixed expectantly on the young girl’s set.
*Check* What exactly is the word 'set' referring to here? I tried to puzzle it out by reading context clues and making some assumptions, but got nowhere I was sure of or comfortable with. I feel it is important for the reader to be clear here as to what he is looking at, especially since you make a point of saying that he is looking at it so intently. As is, there is too much room for misinterpretation.

She drew her arm out of her pocket, and threw them around his midsection.
*Check* A few more inconsistencies here that I noticed, and wanted to point out to you. First, it seemed a little unlikely to me that her 'arm' would be in her 'pocket'. Hands go in pockets, not usually arms unless you are talking about some incredibly unusual and avant garde clothing, which I don't believe was the case here. Then your subject was a single arm, but in the second half of the line you used the pronoun 'them', which implies a plural subject. These are minor things, but like I said, I am being nitpicky ^_~ I would suggest rewriting this sentence to take care of these, perhaps like this: 'She withdrew her hand from her pockets and threw her arms around his midsection.' or something similar.

*Check* One more thing I wanted to mention to you. I noticed that you used a lot of semicolons in your writing. I was surprised, and impressed, to see that you used them properly, which I can honestly say there are many writers who do not. However, you might consider changing up your use of punctuation - there are other options available, just to vary your sentence structures a bit and keep your reader on their toes. I just wanted to let you know that I noticed a tendency, in case you were not aware of it. But kudos on using semicolons at all! I see so many writers who shy away from them because they do not understand the rules of usage, so you should be very proud of yourself.

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Overall, you are a delightfully talented writer and I enjoyed reading your work a great deal! This wonderful story left me feeling as if I had been somewhere else, and few things can take me there. Despite the many suggestions I made, they were just and only that, suggestions - you could change absolutely nothing about this piece and it would still be just a striking. Excellent work!

Keep putting pen-to-paper - This has been a:
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BY
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12
12
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

Greetings fellow Rising Star! I am fulfilling your request for a review, and I hope you are pleased with my feedback.


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First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* I really enjoyed reading your work, and can say confidently that my interest in reading further was definitely piqued despite young adult fiction not usually being my preference. I do love a good fantasy story, though! This had the elements of that genre which make it so beloved and inspiring for its fans without feeling tired or cliched, which was very nice.

*Star* The opening was a good hook, drawing me in and holding my attention, ensuring that I would continue reading to the point where the plot picked up and I become truly invested in what was going on. This is such a vital aspect of writing any story, especially something that is going to be novel-length, because of course if your audience does not feel inclined to read past the first line you have lost them. I felt that you did a very good job of being mindful of this fact and exercising caution when putting your opening line together.

*Star* The technical execution in this was very strong, you clearly have a talent for the craft! I always have the utmost respect and appreciation for a writer who takes the time to edit their own work and be sure that there are limited mistakes within it - that is the way you get published! Attention to detail sets your work apart from other authors who would not demonstrate such diligence. Frankly, I had to read this multiple times to find anything to comment on for improvements!

*Star* I especially liked your imagery - I could easily envision what was going on. You gave me the setting and just the right setup for my imagination to take over and bring the scene to life. There were several fantastic instances of descriptive narrative worked into this that I want to take a moment to cite, because they were so striking:

In a small clearing in the middle of the woods, the trees seemed to breathe, fog swirling around their gnarled trunks as if they actually inhaled and exhaled.
This line, along with the opening sentence, truly established a tone for what followed, putting me in the right mood for what I was about to read. I love the whimsical personification of nature here!

Suddenly, in the middle of the clearing, a ball of light appeared, burning steadily brighter until it became a miniature sun.
'Miniature sun' is such a fantastic way to express what is happening, original and yet it feels classic - not too 'out there' for even the most casual reader to relate and enjoy the image.

The bowstring scraped her cheek slightly as she held it stretched as far back as it could go, the arrow nocked and ready to fly. She stopped moving, sighting down the length of the arrow as she tested the wind and gauged the arrow’s trajectory. Standing as still as stone, except for the slight trembling in the muscles of her arms from the strain of holding the bow; she watched the sayan dip its head towards the moss it was eating. She exhaled slowly and released the bowstring, holding her stance as the arrow raced toward the sayan.
This was my favorite part in the entire piece. I actually am a traditional longbow archer myself, so when I read your description of this moment, when she is about to take her shot, I felt my breath go still in my chest, my own fingers twitch in reflex, I was taking that shot along with her! Of course, in this day and age I do not hunt, but have been practicing target archery for nearly ten years now and love it very much. Because of this, and because of your wonderfully accurate and tactile description, I was fully immersed and connected to this moment in the story. It perfectly captured how that feels without trying too hard or being too verbose. Excellent work!

*Star* Your dialogue is very well-built and believable! That is one of the hardest things to make sound natural and not forced in fiction writing, but you have managed it very nicely. The exchange between the two fae in the first part was engaging, interesting. At no point did I think that the talking sounded stiff or scripted, which I see in many writers' works. Great job!

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Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

At the base of the biggest tree, an ancient slowan whose top seemed as if it broke through the clouds above, a mass of shadows coalesced slowly, taking on the appearance of human form.
*Check* In my humble opinion, I thought this line might flow better and sound slightly better if the two highlighted words were switched, so they read 'slowly coalesced' instead.

Verian chuckled again as he made his way across the clearing towards the shadow
Rai smiled, finally dropping her arms as she ran towards her kill.
*Check* I pulled two lines that are examples of this: This is a common mistake that you see in a lot of writers' work, and something that I saw in my own work after someone pointed it out to me! I didn't even realize it was incorrect at the time, which is what makes reviews by peers so valuable to an author's development. 'Toward' should never have an 's' on the end of it, and the same is true of words like 'forward' and 'backward'. This can be confusing, because similar words like 'onwards' are in fact appropriate. If you are ever in doubt of whether or not something is right, reach for your nearest dictionary. I always keep one close at hand!

Verian sighed, shaking his head, and then his form, too, suddenly dissolved, tiny motes of light dancing away until the clearing was empty once more.
*Check* I noticed that the word 'suddenly' was used a lot in 'Chapter One' - you want to be careful that you don't overuse phrases and words when constructing sentences, especially so close together since most readers will remember that they just read that word one paragraph ago.

Standing as still as stone, except for the slight trembling in the muscles of her arms from the strain of holding the bow; she watched the sayan dip its head towards the moss it was eating.
*Check* I enlarged and highlighted in red the semicolon here, which is not proper punctuation in this sentence. It should be replaced with a comma.

She bent down and swiftly tied the legs together. Once she did that, she unstrung her bow and tied it to the sayan’s body. She hoisted the whole thing onto her shoulders, grunting and staggering a bit under the weight of it. At 5’3, Rai was a small thing, but sturdily built. She had long black hair that curled madly around her face, so she usually braided it back and forgot about it. She was born and raised in a small cabin on the outskirt of Andea, a small village bordered by the Neverwood.
*Check* I highlighted the beginning of all these sentences which occur in succession. Notice that they all start with basically the same word, 'she'. This is an easy thing to overlook in your own work because you are too close to the writing, so I thought I would point it out for you. With your skill level you could easily find alternative ways to word these lines so as to eliminate the repetition.

*Check* This is more an observation than a criticism, and maybe is something you have not really thought about before. Though there is no definitive guide for what lengths constitute chapters and novels versus short stories and novellas, and so on, there is a commonly accepted minimum length that people expect when they are reading something. Despite how pleased I was with the content of this piece, the length concerned me. Your 'Chapter One' is very short, and I think most readers would be taken aback by this. My suggestion would be to rework your first chapter to instead be an Introduction or Prologue, then pick up 'Chapter One' where 'Chapter Two' currently begins. Other than this, I might suggest expanding on 'Chapter One' a great deal.

*Check* Just a small note, the word 'excerpt' is misspelled in the title of this item, but spelled correctly in the tagline, so probably just a typo but I wanted to point it out for you.

*Check* Though I thoroughly enjoyed reading this work, I found it could benefit from some added detailing. This could be easily added in through expanded narrative, much like in your opening paragraph, and even some direct description. You don't want too much direct description in a work of fiction, however, because most readers do not like their information spoon-fed to them, and you risk your characters sounding more like a play-by-play then a complex being with a personality. You definitely do not have that problem - you seem to have a good sense for not over-doing the description, but now you might want to consider venturing a little deeper into the territory you are slightly avoiding. Details are the magic that bring words on a page to blazing life for a reader, and will make your writing memorable!

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Overall, you have a very strong story here with great potential to be something that finds an audience and is successful. I would definitely read this! If you ever expand on it and would like feedback, let me know. I would be happy to read further and offer my thoughts on your work. Best of luck!

Keep putting pen-to-paper - This has been a:
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13
13
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


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I am reviewing this work as the Admissions Officer and Recruiter for the Paper Doll Gang, and have been enjoying my perusal of your Portfolio! You had a great deal of Writer's Cramp stories to read, which delighted me as I myself have participated in the Writer's Cramp many times (though it has been quite awhile for me!). I chose this piece because it was especially recommended by a friend of yours, and a friend of mine as well, who speaks very highly of you. I hope you are pleased with my review ^_^

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* The writing in this was very strong - you have a very good grasp of technique and the actual execution of good, skillful writing. I was particularly pleased to note that you do not shy away from complex sentence structures, but use them prudently to enhance the depth of the work instead of 'showing off' your skills. Too many complex sentences, even if done properly (and let's be frank, many writers have no idea how to write a complex sentence correctly), will over-complicate even the most interesting story. This can alienate a reader or make them lose their interest, which is the last thing you want to do! There is an art to using just the right balance of complex and simple sentences, which I feel you have a good sense for.

*Star* Your character development is very good, and I thought the persona in this were very believable, even relate to. Their interaction was authentic, nothing about this story striking me as unlikely, yet I was not bored by this 'mundane' setting and series of events.

*Star* The dialogue in this was very strong, which is quite an accomplishment. Even some incredibly seasoned writers struggle endlessly with penning believable, natural dialogue, which is understandable given the intricacies of social interaction. You made it seem effortless and their exchanges sounded quite normal - great job!

*Star* I loved the unexpected twist at the end! You made a point of building your reader toward the obvious conclusion, just to slap me with something completely different at the very last second. It always pleases me to read something that I cannot predict, and this accomplished that with an endearing charm. Very nicely done.

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Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

Normally she wouldn’t have minded going on a hike through the woods, but she had just fallen asleep when he had begun banging on her door, and her borrowed boots were too small.
*Check* There was a word missing here, which I added in for you (shown in green). Also, this was just an aesthetic observation, but I highlighted a phrase that I thought could be written differently. Since you already established the tense as past perfect earlier in the line by using 'had', it might make the line read more smoothly and still be correct to replace the highlighted phrase simply with 'began'.

When Jess held her hands out, trying to feel the mist, Peter mistook the action as her asking for the map. He handed her the map, which immediately fluttered away, left to be pounded by thousands of gallons of water at the bottom of the waterfall.
*Check* This is just minor repetition, but the caliber of your writing is such that I am going to be quite thorough with you, so you can make this even better! Having already written 'the map' just a few words before, I thought that in the second line here you could replace the highlighted section with 'it to her' or something similar, as there is no need to restate what he is handing her again so soon. You can trust your reader to keep up ^_^

Just as he opened his to ask her the question that would change both of their lives forever, thunder sounded up ahead, followed seconds later by pouring rain.
*Check* I believe there is a word missing between the two I have highlighted in blue here - probably 'mouth'.

Peter gulped nervously; this day was definitely not doing the way he had planned on it going.
*Check* This is only a minor typo I think, should be 'going'. The last bit of the line is unnecessary, and could easily be edited out to keep this streamlined and avoid repetitiveness.

A little while later they came across a dilapidated cabin, with a partly torn down chimney.
*Check* There is nothing wrong with this line aside from the comma (which needs to be removed), I just thought I might suggest a minor change that may improve how it reads. As is, just in my opinion, the phrase 'partly torn down chimney' is a little wordy, a little awkward, but substituting another word could ease it, and even add some extra impact. I would suggest changing 'partly' to 'partially' and 'torn down' to 'collapsed', so it would read: 'A little while later they came across a dilapidated cabin with a partially collapsed chimney.'

Peter strode over to the front porch, and loudly banged on the door.
“Hello? Is anyone home?” He called loudly.
Jess peered in one of the windows, and rolled her eyes. Peter was still banging on the door, getting louder and louder with each passing second.
*Check* This was the only instance in the entire piece when I was very distracting by anything, that being the repetition here. These lines occur one after another, and I have highlighted what caught my attention. The word 'banged' already implies that it was a loud action, so you don't need to say that there. You could leave the second 'loudly' in, easily, and consider an alternative way to state the third instance, 'louder and louder'. Something like ', his volume rising with each passing second.'

“Ask me what?” Jess said, her interest peaked.
*Check* Although not technically incorrect, in this context 'peaked' is not the best word to use, but this is an understandable and common mistake - I think the word you meant to use was 'piqued'.

*Check* One last note for you: I really liked this piece, and the writing was quite good, so I naturally formed high expectations from the author. I understand, of course, that you were working under a word count constraint, so this is definitely not a criticism. I thought you did very well considering this had to be within 1000 words, but the piece could benefit from more description. Meaning, small narrative hints at what the two characters look like, elaborated description of the setting... I personally revel in details so that I can visualize the scene with ease. They bring a story to life. Just something to consider if you ever wanted to expand on this story somewhat.

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Overall, I was very impressed with your work and very glad that I visited your Portfolio so that I could familiarize myself better with you and your style. You should be very proud of what you have accomplished in such a short time, since you joined WdC! You will be hearing from me soon, I think ^_~

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
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14
14
Review of Our little secret  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I am reviewing on behalf of The Paper Doll Gang! The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Candycaner* Happy Holidays! *Candycaner*


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First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* Wow, what a story! I just love a shocking ending, and this definitely delivered that! Your build up was smooth and flawless, so I truly did not expect that twist in the last few lines. As a writer and reader I usually find that I am good at predicting where a writer is going with the story, and I always enjoy it when I can't do that. Excellent!

*Star* Your characters were well-conceived and convincing enough, realistic in their emotions and how they come through to the reader. The wife, Shelly, especially was vivid and real. I felt her disgust and worry at her husband's infidelity, and her quick acceptance of the 'truth' too was unfortunately very true to most women. It added a nice dimension to the story.

*Star* I could have read many more pages pertaining to this story, if you drew out the details of what happened and who these characters were I would be right there along for the ride. You have a definite knack for storytelling.

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Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

Drumming her manicured nails across the table, she went over the mornings findings in her head while waiting for her husband Hector to wake.
*Check* I added in a comma. Also, stating his name again this soon after saying it in the same paragraph is not necessary and takes away from the fluidity of the line.

All the pictures on the wall were crocked and the fireplace gates were jammed inside the fire pit.
*Check* Slang like this is fine technically, but I wanted to point it out with the note that sometimes using obscure slang can alienate a reader who does not understand it and they will be put off from reading further. Not every reader will react in such a way, but that is a risk.

It just didn’t make any sense, He wasn’t the cheating type.
*Check* The comma here should be either a semi-colon or a hyphen, so it isn't splicing the sentence. Also, 'he' probably should not be capitalized here.

Rubbing the sleep out of his eyes, he grabbed a mug and draped an arm over his wife.
*Check* Added in a missing comma here.

Picking her memory, she tried to piece together the evidence.
*Check* Another placed comma.

She peeked at him as he soundly turned the paper over, she simply had to know.
*Check* I felt that this would read better as a separate sentence instead.

Hector walked out the door collectedly, drawing out his car keys, he opened the trunk to a pile of blood stained sheets.
*Check* This is another instance where I feel that the flow would be better if this were cut into a separate sentence here, and the comma moved to after 'keys' (shown in blue).

Dropping the purse in, he leans down and whisper's to the blonde hair spilling out the handmade body bag, “Did you hear that honey? It's our little secret."
*Check* First, I added in a missing comma and apostrophe (in blue) for you. Then we have a tense disagreement with 'leans', as the rest of the sentence is in past then this too should be in past tense, 'leaned'. By the same token, 'whispers' (no apostrophe, as it is not possessive) should be 'whispered'.

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Overall, I really enjoyed reading this story, especially the surprising and unexpected twist at the end. The minor technical problems were overshadowed by the dynamic content and characters, so I would consider that a success. You certainly can spin a good tale, and I look forward to reading more of your work! Good job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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15
15
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Candycaner* Happy Holidays *Candycaner*


*Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb*


First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* This is a really insightful account of what feels, to me, like a real event. It has the ring of truth, and the bare honesty of a journal entry rather than a short story. Such realism can only make this more memorable and gripping than obvious fiction, and I enjoyed that aspect a great deal. It was refreshing.

*Star* I can appreciate the straightforward, clean presentation of this moment, without melodrama or overreaction. This brings the reader very close and intimate with the narrator/main character, and suddenly this becomes an intensely personal experience even by-proxy.

*Star* The ending was nicely done, even though there was no real closure or conclusion it did not feel as if I were left hanging in open air. It brought the truth of the character and the situation to life for me, and made the read that much more intriguing, that I was not told exactly what happened. Sometimes things are better left unsaid, and left to the imagination to fill in the blanks.

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Here I would normally do a line-by-line critique, pointing out where I felt improvement was needed, but as this piece was so short and I feel that you would benefit from a full Edit Copy, so that is what I will do instead. My additions will be shown in blue, mistakes in the text shown in red, and suggestions shown in PopNotes - simply hover your mouse over the dotted line underneath a section to see my notes on it come up.

Edit Copy:

I check again. There is no mistaking it. My idle Facebook searches have brought me to this point and suddenly I am frozen with indecision. There she is in the middle of my screen, with platinum blonde hair and a seductive look. I check her profile - right age, right area, as if there was any doubt from that photo. She could only be the daughter of that slut. But there is something in the eyes, the cheekbones, that looks familiar. I realize they are mine. I knew they were not my mother’s but this is unnerving. Now what? In an instant I consider my position, I hold all the cards. I have total control - since I changed my name she could never find me. I get to choose if she discovers her sister today, next week or never.

My finger hovers above the ‘send message' button. I flash back to when I was 7 and I met her as a three year old for the first time. That was back when he came to see me. I remember the first time he came, cold pavement beneath my naked feet as in my nightie I had run to answer the door one Sunday morning, my mother still in bed. I recognized him from photos I had found covered in dust in the attic. Wordlessly I embraced him, clinging to his neck and inhaling the aroma of leather jacket, cigarette smoke, aftershave, and warmth. My father, my hero and, as I would repeatedly discover, my useless waste of tears. I remember meeting her, the perfect mousy blonde toddler. She chatted in toddler-ish and played with a small keyring in the shape of a mouse that my mother had given me, calling it ‘litta marse’ and shaking it to make the keys jangle while the adults smoked, conversed about quitting, and ignored us.

I look at the screen, horrified by the possibility, and consider the effects. How would something like this affect her? How would this affect me? Nothing good ever came from meddling with fate. I consider my own dear family and feel a pang of disloyalty to my sweet and wonderfully oblivious brother. Simply a child himself, he has never been told that his father is in fact my step- father, and he is not yet old enough to have worked it out. If I tell her, what then? We can’t ignore it; we would eventually have to meet and she would become my known sister. That would throw up all sorts of problems.

Perhaps not. I close the laptop, as I cannot quite bear to look at her anymore nor can I close the window in which I discovered her. I simply sit and wait, hoping that eventually something in my head will make sense and I will know what to do next.

So no PopNotes necessary in that, as most of your content was sound and flowed nicely. However, as I'm sure you noticed, there was definitely a trend of missing commas in sentences. Punctuational corrections were almost exclusively what I found myself making here, which means that your technical writing is quite good so your content and grammar is good, but you have a tendency toward overlooking proper punctuation. Part of growing as writers is becoming aware of our tendencies and actively correcting ourselves as we create, learning to self-edit. This is difficult, and that is where we can benefit from an outside party looking at our work and helping us to see where we need to be more vigilant.

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Overall, an piece well done and a very good read that made me feel a kinship with the narrator. And it made me think about what I myself would do in such a situation. There is never an easy answer, is there? Great job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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16
16
Review of Homer  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. My goal here is to provide you with a thorough, honest, and encouraging critique that will hopefully be helpful to you. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


*Candycaner* Happy Holidays *Candycaner*


*Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb*


First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* I really enjoying reading this piece in general - it had an eerie feeling of mystery and tension to it, like something terrible was going to happen any minute, only to end so mundanely. It was unexpected and intense, making me feel almost relieved when it was over and nothing more sinister than a sneeze came to pass.

*Star* The little boy was vibrant and realistic, acting just a little boy would while we came along for the ride. His walk-home antics seemed so innocent, and it was described with such detail and realistic imagery that I could see everything as it was happening. You also built in some false-lead foreshadowing that made my imagination run with what could possible be coming.

*Star* I loved the part with the trash cans. That bright red shoe, and the half-roll of toiler paper with the bright 'stain' implied a parallel of color and thus some very subtle macabre events that this boy was happily unaware of, simply going about his important business. A masterful balance of tension and intent.

*Star* The writing here was of a very high caliber, and the story was well-blended throughout so that it read smoothly and clearly. This allowed the characters and the complexities of tone to come through crystalline, and left me feeling very satisfied when I was finished reading it. There were very few mistakes for me to cover, but I'll do that best that I can.

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Now, a few observations that I wanted to relate to you:

He pulled out his iPhone and checked the time, thinking, I’m gonna be late gettin’ home and mom’s gonna scream at me.
*Check* Ok, there were two things about this line that I wanted to point out. The first was a missing comma, which I have placed here for you. The other is a possible issue of inconsistency. When I read the first paragraph I had already started to form a mental image of the boy, and the rest of the piece reflected that age-range I had imagined initially, but would a boy of that age have a device as expensive as an iPhone? That seemed incongruent with the tone of the piece, as far as the main character went, and thus made him slightly less realistic to my thinking. Just something you might want to consider.

The sack, apparently not believing it was a baseball, exploded in a shower of brown and black powder that scatted in all directions, including into Billy’s face.
*Check* I highlighted a typo here: 'scatted' should be 'scattered', and also added in a word (shown in blue) that I felt lent a little better flow and clarity to the line.

Billy could hear his moms’ friends in the dining room playing bridge.
*Check* This is a plural possessive, which indicates that he has more than one Mom - I doubt that is the case. This should be 'Mom's', singular possessive.

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Overall, I really like this piece, it was a stimulating and interesting read that kept me guessing. I would have thought that the seemingly anti-climatic ending would be a let-down, but actually I felt that it really suited the piece and was a nice unexpected anti-twist. Excellent job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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17
17
Review of Joker Reasoning  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. My goal here is to provide you with a thorough, honest, and encouraging critique that will hopefully be helpful to you. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Candycaner* Happy Holidays *Candycaner*


*Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb*


First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* I love the originality of the concept here, taking a well-known character and showing us an unexpected side of them. It's always interesting to think about the parts of a character that we don't always get to see, such as how they are in their everyday lives and how they are with loved ones. This gave me a lot to think about where the Joker's personality is concerned, and that is very interesting to this reader.

*Star* The subtle style of this piece makes for a clean, easily-visualized story wherein the way is clear for the reader to feel close the the main character. It did not feel cluttered or overdone, but well-balanced and smooth.

*Star* Your characters are vivid and real, even the sleeping woman who has no spoken lines has a visceral feel to her. That kind of dimension is difficult to achieve, and was the crown jewel of this piece. I especially loved the character of the Joker the way you portrayed him - he had such depth, it was impossible not to be touched, even knowing that he is a psychopath outside of that bedroom.

*Star* Though at first I thought that I might want the piece to be a bit longer, I found that the choice of brevity was a great one. I liked that this was just a peek into an intimate moment and not a drawn out exposé. It was a good choice.

*Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb* *Bulletb*


Now, a complete Edit Copy for you, using PopNotes. Simply hover your mouse over the underlined section for my specific notes on that part to come up. Words I have added into the text are in blue, corrected errors will be denoted in red:

The falling rain was swept by the wind in multiple directions. Though The lone figure perched on the window's ledge pays no heed to its violent thunderings. He stares transfixed by the young woman asleep inside. Purple-gloved hands carefully open the window and step into the room. After some moments, he crosses the room and over to the bed. Kneeling as silently as possible, he reaches out to move a lock of hair which obscures her face slightly, to caress her cheek and he can't help but wish he was different, that all things in their lives were different . For what could have been, what should have been, but will never be.

She shudders and its then he realizes he failed to close the window. With a sigh, and leaning down to place a chaste kiss to her lips, he straightens and watches her a few moments longer. Deciding that, even if only for awhile, tonight he's not "the joker", he's just a man. A man who needs his wife, her touch, her warmth and everything she is. He just needs a reason to touch her, a reason to be near her, anything will do as long as she will still have him, it'd kill him if she never wanted him again . A touch a soft as feathers over his face and through his hair breaks him out of his despairing reverie.

Grey-green and hazel eyes lock in a seemingly endless stare of everything and never. A soft touch of lips against his and tonight he's home, in her arms. Before he knows it, he's pulled to the bed there's moaning-whimpering, shaking-pleading, pushing-pulling, crying out-beackoning before finally surrendering to a few hours of beautiful-blissful exhaustion in her arms, in her body, before waking. No Batsy, no GCPD, no voices ringing continuously through his mind.

This is the way it could have been, should have been. Him and her always - never apart - if only things were different. If only is hard to say. Dressing quietly, he pins a joker's card and pure white lily to the headboard. With a final glance to the woman, who is asleep because of their actions, he's out the window and gone. He's "the Joker" again. He can only hope that she'll always wait for him and that no one ever knows the reason he doesnt have an obvious lover, because he has a wife. Most of all he hopes Batman never knows.

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I truly enjoyed this piece, and would love to read more insightful fiction surrounding the character of the Joker, which has always been one of my favorite comic book personae. Writing fanfiction involving characters I love has long been a passionate hobby of mine that I indulge on the side of my more serious-minded work, and I am always thrilled to find similar pursuits by fellow writers. Good job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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18
18
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (2.0)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. My goal here is to provide you with a thorough, honest, and encouraging critique that will hopefully be helpful to you. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Instead of my usual approach to reviewing, I am going to include an edit copy of this piece for your benefit, so that you can see clearly what I am referring to.

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* I thought that this has a lot of potential to be a thrilling piece about fear and courage, and one woman's experience. You have the foundation here for a great story, and I would like to see you put more time into it. It could be very interesting if given the right attention. Also I got glimpses of your style in this, and it too seemed very promising if properly applied.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


*Check* This had the feeling of a synopsis more than a complete piece of writing. I found myself wondering where the climax was, where the conclusion was, even where the definitive introduction to the piece was. It seemed I was plopped into the middle something that was already happening, and though en medias res can be an exciting method of delivering a story, it must be executed properly. This was lacking a defined plot, and the most glaring short-coming was probably the lack of conflict/resolution and the lack of detail. These are the basic components of storytelling, and they were absent here. I would suggest taking a hard look at this piece and expanding it a great deal if you continue to keep it posted. Below are mostly the technical corrections I made here, as there was not really any content to edit or make suggestions about.

The dashed blue lines are Popnotes - hover your mouse over the underlined sections to see my notes come up in a separate box. Additions to the text made by me are in GOLD, and corrections to existing text are in red.

EDIT COPY:

One sunny Saturday afternoon, I had let all of the other employees out of the door and locked it behind them. I felt safe on the second floor in the back office. We did not have cash in the office so we did not attract attention. I had walked back to the desk and suddenly , all of the lights and computer snapped off which a loud thunk . I pulled my flashlight from my purse , feeling my way in the dark to the main desk. Every phone line in the office had no service. Cautiously, I slid my foot down the linoleum stairs, guided by a wooden bannister down the spiral staircase.

I listened for squeaking, for I had heard a rumor obout rats in the basement. Not cute little mouse-type rats but mean cat-sized river rats... I rounded the last coil of the stairwell as the thunderstorm sounded from above . I put my hand out, feeling for the wall. It was then that I felt a cloth jacket under my hand and let out a loud shriek in the darkness. The owner stood before me in the dark... There had been a transformer blowout in downtown Nashville.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Some heavy rewriting, addition, and editing needs to happen to this piece, and I hope that you will consider doing this. I feel that the piece could be really intriguing and exciting if you gave it the right attention and time. Please do not be discouraged - this is intended to help you understand what you need to work on, and thus be able to improve this piece and improve your writing along with it. No matter what you decide to do with this piece, always write on!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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19
19
Review of Clarity  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This review is for "Gang's Monthly Review Board"  [13+]! The following is strictly my opinion. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. My goal here is to provide you with a thorough, honest, and encouraging critique that will hopefully be helpful to you. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!


*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


I don't write much poetry, only when I am struck by a lightning bolt of inspiration that I cannot ignore and cannot express through a short story. Some things can only truly be captured by poetry, I have found. However, I love to read poetry! And Haiku is one of my absolute favorite types. That was why I chose this particular piece to review here.

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* The stark clarity of the message in lines here is lovely, and makes absorbing it easy. The title and subject matter fits the tone of the piece perfectly, obviously, and I read it three times before I finally tore myself away to write the review.

*Star* I was transported, as I expect to be when I read good poetry, and found myself looking inward. Your piece compelled me to reflect on my own feelings about life and where it takes you, how it can get in the way of itself so often. This is exactly what excellent poetry should do, make its reader look deeper, ask questions, think. Wonderful job.

*Star* The word choice here was elegant and inspired, ideally suited to the form of Haiku. It had a quiet dignity that gave the message therein plenty of space to make itself known.

*Star* This was my favorite part:
A purposeful life
with a lucid perspective
entails clear vision.

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There was only one thing that I noticed, and wanted to share with you:

takes lot of efforts.
This is the last line, and I thought it faltered slightly in comparison to the rest of the piece. It isn't quite proper grammar, and it sounds very awkward which makes it very distracting. Because the rest of the piece was so lovely, this jumped out at me and was impossible to ignore. The final line of a poem is so important for the reader, just as the lingering note in a symphony. I would suggest rewriting this last line.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Overall, a beautiful Haiku that I truly enjoyed reading, and am so glad that you shared it so I had that opportunity. I look forward to reading more fantastic poetry, especially Haiku, from you. Great job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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20
20
Rated: E | (4.0)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Thank you for sharing your work, and giving me the opportunity to return the favor of reviewing! I enjoyed reading this, and look forward to reading the Chapter you also have posted right after I finish this.

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* The dark, haunting tone set by this Prologue reminded me of film noir, and I was very drawn to it.

*Star* I thought that the language you used was perfectly suited to the feeling of the piece, adding to its atmosphere and to the impact it had on me, the reader.

*Star* Though you didn't use anything specific, this was rife with fantastic imagery. The combination of poetic language, words, and tone created a visual that my imagination ran with. Sometimes a well-balanced piece of writing with no specifics can be more effective in evoking imagery than a piece of writing than gives the reader the exact scene to visualize. This was successful in that respect.

*Star* It was well written, with very few mistakes of errors that I noticed. Its flow and style was highly conducive to the experience, and it read very smoothly, with no glaring snags. Well done!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

*Check* As a Prologue this felt too brief, more like an Introduction. Could you expand on this some, perhaps, to make it seem more appropriate for its title? That, or possibly change the title away from 'Prologue'.

*Check* I wholly enjoyed the piece, and loved the nonspecific imagery! But for a Prologue it is very abstract and felt more like prose poetry than what is traditionally thought of as a Prologue. Generally Prologues are informative pieces of the story to come that may not be exactly related to the main plot but give an important insight into a situation, or a specific character. Despite my liking for it, I worry that as a Prologue it would not give the reader any special glimpse into what they are about to experience.

A half sensed movement, a stirring of a vast shadow, reminiscent of something seen out of the corner of one’s eye, ripples through the emptiness.
*Check* This sentence is slightly over-complex and confusing. I have this tendency in my own writing, and have to actively watch out for it. Usually in fiction writing shorter sentences tend to have more impact on a reader, and keep their interest longer. But i'm not suggesting all sentences be simple ones! This is merely an aesthetic observation - you should do what feels right for your style of writing, and try to keep in mind what works for a reader as well. Striking this balance is what forges memorable stories!

The echo of emotions sends infrasonic reverberations throughout the emptiness.
*Check* I have highlighted the issue here. Such a 'clinical' word does not seem to be in sync with the rest of the piece, and it stood out to me as such. Also, you run the risk of alienating your readers when using such an obscure word. Not to say that you should never use less common words in writing, actually I encourage and actively pursue that, but when trying to build a visual effect through words it might be better to stick with words that a reader can easily absorb, therefore be free to understand.

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Overall, a great piece! I definitely found myself intrigued by it, and I can't wait to read the next piece you have posted in relation to this. Good job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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21
21
Review of Halloween Meeting  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


This review is Last of Three in fulfillment of your winning bid on "Invalid Item"  ! Congratulations, and I hope this review is satisfactory. We appreciate your support of The Paper Doll Gang, and I am more than happy to reward it with these reviews of your work. I have included an Edit Copy of the work, in the endeavor to be as detailed as possible and so that you have the benefit of seeing exactly what I am referring to in my suggestive points.

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* Another story of great interest! I was immediately interested at the beginning, wondering just who she would be trying to summon? Excellent hook to start off with.

*Star* The characters were very vibrant, as I have found most characters in your other work to be as well. The theme running through your work is present here, though not as specifically referenced, and I liked the exchange between the 'ghost' and the girl. Very cool idea.

*Star* You could easily expand this into a story of intense intrigue - you have set up a very catching introduction to these characters, and the potential for even more meaningful interactions between them. I would love to read more!

*Star* Technically this had only a few mistakes, and it read smoothly. I had no trouble being drawn into the story, and held to the end of it. Your writing is well-organized and thoughtful, making your reader feel at ease.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Edit Copy:

November Second. El Dia de los Muertos, the Day of the Dead. Tonight is my only chance she thinks, as she walks down the path to the Somme River.
Bringing with her all the things she'll need for her summoning attempt. She's been fascinated with his life as a world war one legend since she was a little girl, and tonight, she'll take a chance to meet him and connect past and present, the living and the dead...

Finally she comes into the field on the hill near the Bray-Corbie road, just north of the village of Vaux-sur-Somme. The place where he made his final landing ninety-two years ago. Dropping to her knees a(space)little left of center in the field, she opens her bag of goods. She lays some old correspondence between him and her great-aunt Evelyn on the ground in front of her. Upon which she places a white sugar skull with his name (with his name where?), next she lights the seven red candles and sprinkles some dirt from his original grave. She begins to pray in earnest, just to meet the man who captured the world's attention and her great-aunt's heart. Minutes turn to what seems to eternity, and when she finally dares to look up because all but two of the candles have flickered out unexpectedly. Its done with Her nerves are on edge and heart beating fast, the faint tinge of hope rising in her throat.

It's worked(no period here) she thinks with some cautious excitement, and releases the breath she's been holding. There's a man standing before her, in regulation German world war one uniform. No, not just a man, but one man, Manfred von Richthofen. Also known as the Red Baron. She doesn't know what to do. For tense minutes her blue-green eyes meet crystal blue eyes. He wonders why she's here and where she's from. She looks strange to him, tall and lean and pale, almost sickly so. With long blonde and pink and brunette striped hair that curls slightly at the ends. Her hair reminds him of ice-cream.

Make-up covers her arms, neck and face, in vibrant hues of pinks, greens, and gray. They form the shape of flowers around the eyes with another flower surrounded by swirls and dots on her chin and cheeks and arms. There's also a crude cross and halo front and center on her forehead while u-shapes and stitches line her mouth. She seems so out of place. He wonders why she called him here, how it came to be that he's no longer in the after life.

"Evelyn?" He questions, his voice distant and tinged with something that she can't quite identify. "No. Not Evelyn. Just a...distant relative." He studies the girl beside him with a more critical eye as silence stretches further between them. She's not as beautiful as Evelyn he mused as she lays on the ground starring at the stars above, but he can see the resemblance. Death has changed him for the better he thinks, and so he'll humour her. It's better than the grave. And so he does. They laugh and they talk. Mostly him, answering question after question about his life and how death felt and everything between. She amuses him with her vibrance and animation, much like Evelyn once did.

And when the hours have finally come and passed, and the sun is rising, he can feel himself start to fade. With one last salute and promise of next year, and the year after that, he fades away. Away with the other's return to the other side after the veil has righted itself again. She wishes he could stay, but, then she muses what would she will have to look forward to next year?

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Overall, I enjoyed reading this immensely, and have enjoyed the opportunity to read your work in general. Your perspective is unique, and your writing style very original as well, making for what I feel is a talent for storytelling. Thank you for sharing your work here - it has been a pleasure! Write on!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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22
22
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


This review is Second of Three in fulfillment of your winning bid on "Invalid Item"  ! Congratulations, and I hope this review is satisfactory. We appreciate your support of The Paper Doll Gang, and I am more than happy to reward it with these reviews of your work. For this particular piece I will be including a complete Edit Copy of the text.

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* Having read your poem "November Dreary "  [E] first, this was very interesting for me, to get a more detailed look into the skull-faced woman. It is a very cool idea, and I like the continual theme throughout these pieces. I love her character, and want to see even more of her.

*Star* Again your imagery is spectacularly executed! I felt as if I myself were walking through a colorful, whirling Festival in the streets of some faraway exotic place. I love reading things that give me great visuals, and this is the sort of thing that makes a piece of writing memorable and impacting.

*Star* This is an intriguing take on a cultural celebration, highlighting an aspect of it and giving it even more of a supernatural angle that I personally find well within my tastes. Not to mention that it is well done and a teasing introduction to a story that I very much want to know more about.

*Star* Nice flow and formatting in this piece, with a good structure that is very conducive to a smooth read. It helped me to really connect with the story being told, and effortlessly visualize everything as your described it. Excellent job.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Edit Copy:

The Festival of the Dead preparations had only just begun. As she walked through the village streets treading softly. Hidden in the shadows and candle light.

All around her was life taking place, and with it came the sights and smells. Of the time of year when being a(space)part of the living world became slightly more than just a dream for the dead. A time of year when ghosts could be more than just forgotten names, or buried beneath the stones.There were the yells and taunts and the laughter of the children as they ran along the streets looking for the candy skull vendors, pinata makers and other folk artists. There were the women singing and making the pan de muertos and other sweet breads.The marigold vendors were setting up their carts full of flowers for the dead. Others were lighting candles for the dead.

She watched, un-noticed . Dressed in an old fashioned flamenco dress, her long brown and teal hair wrapped in an old fashioned bun with marigolds in her hair .

Her face was colored with white and bright colors, a skull design. A small crude cross and petal shapes that formed a halo was drawn on her forehead. Incandescent blue eyes were made more ominous than they already were by the dots and flower-shaped paint around her eyes . Her nose and lips were painted and lined in black, connecting in "u shapes" to form the teeth of her mask. More thin lines of black created the scars upon her lips. A spider's web was drawn on her chin and flowing swirls and petal shapes lined her cheeks in the most abstract way. Anyone passing by might mistake her for a performer of the Ghost Dances.

In her hand she held eight sweet candy skulls, each with a name written on the forehead. These were the souls she had come to collect, people who had at one point or another during their live's made a deal with Halloween's death messengers. and so The time of payment was now at hand. Yes, she would come to collect, and payment must be made.

As she stood waiting in the shadows for Halloween to begin she let her mind wander. She let her mind wander To the man drinking and playing his guitar (I would add something here about where he is playing: leaned against the nearby wall, or sitting in a chair outside a shop? Details are needed here) She could faintly make out the words(removed period - made this its own sentence) I wanted to grow old, just wanted to grow old. Don't leave me so cold, or buried beneath the stones. I just want to hold on.

She slunk further into the shadows as a group of children ran right past her, dressed in a diversity of skeletons, devils and other creatures of lore. yelling and singing "La calavera! Calavera! Do you have a name?", answering each other in rhym to the rhythm. Their voices and rhym fading further and further away until she could only hear the man and his guitar again. Whisper in my ear give me something to echo in my unknown future's ear! My dear. The end comes near. I'm here. But not much longer.

Checking her hour glass again, she realized grimly she had a full day and a half before the veil was thin enough to allow her to do more than dwell in the shadows on the outskirts of the land of the living. A world she no longer had any part of, no inheritence in anymore.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


This was a definite pleasure to read - it's a great opening to a story, and succeeds in capturing my attention then holding it. I want to know more about these souls she has come to collect, and how she will go about it. You have hooked the reader and compelled them to read further, giving them the gift of good story-telling along the way. Great job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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23
23
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.5)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


This review is First of Three in fulfillment of your winning bid on "Invalid Item"  ! Congratulations, and I hope this review is satisfactory. We appreciate your support of The Paper Doll Gang, and I am more than happy to reward it with these reviews of your work.

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* The tone of this was fantastically haunting, and raised the hair on the back of my neck. I am not usually so eerily stirred by poetry, but this was unique and dark, delightfully creepy.

*Star* Amazing imagery. It was subtle but artful, and I could easily visualize the skull-faced woman. I could imagine her standing, so strangely motionless, staring at me wordlessly, and it gave me a shiver. This is the kind of gothic-esque poetry that I love. Excellent allusion to the Day of the Dead celebrations, with referencing the flowers and sugar skulls, her dress. Wonderful!

*Star* A well-advised balance of cadence, word choice, technical execution, and flow made this particularly pleasurable to absorb. I loved the use of the word 'calavera', which I don't think i've ever seen used in an artistic medium this way but absolutely loved - it was the highlight of the piece for me.

*Star* There were no grammatical errors or any other mistakes that I could find - no typos either. I am always pleased to come across a piece that has been thoughtfully edited and carefully written.

*Star* This was my favorite section:
Upon the weathered sand she stood,
her face adorned in bright calavera finesse.
Patterns of haunting design marked her face,
dressed in colorful vintage flamenco dress.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

*Check* The format of this was slightly off-putting, only because I wasn't not sure of what rhythm I should be reading it with. I had to force a rhythm onto it, trying reading it a few different ways before I found what worked for it. More careful formatting and arrangement of the lines might ease that difficulty.

holding a marionette of stark white and nameless sugar skulls in one hand
and a group of bright red and orange marigolds and camillias in the other.
*Check* These two lines seemed overlong and detracted from the nice flow of the piece for me. I think breaking them from 2 lines into 4 would solve this problem. The first line being broken after 'white' and the second line being broken off after 'marigolds'. Also I crossed out one of the 'ands' that I think could easily be taken out.

*Check* I like the refrain of the second verse at the end of the poem - that was a great touch. But there was other repetition in the piece that I was not sure was deliberate, and was not so sure I liked. The words (in various conjugations and contexts) 'stood' and 'stare' were riddled throughout the lines, and after the third of fourth use I noticed, and was distracted by it. If it was intentional, then I might suggest making it more apparent through arrangement of the lines and parallel language.

Upon the sands she stood there staring,
*Check* This is the beginning of the third verse - the second verse also begins with the phrase 'Upon the weathered sand she stood", and I felt that although the repetition of the line itself doesn't bother me here, the word 'Upon' leading the line does. An alternative word, perhaps? So that the line still echoes that of the preceding verse, without the obvious repetition.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Overall, this was a really enjoyable read, and held my interest without a moment's hesitation. It is an excellent example of prose poetry with a deliciously dark and sinister theme. It achieves a haunting feeling without being obvious or overdone. Well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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24
24
Review of Named Heart  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: E | (4.0)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


This is a very emotionally loaded poem, with a lot of depth and personal feeling injected into its lines. I could feel that it came from a very intimate place for the author, and that bravery in pouring yourself onto a page is what makes a piece of writing suddenly become so much more.

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* The lack of rhyme-scheme was a perfect complement to the tone of this piece, and I think that if it had been written within a rhyming scheme the actual message of the line themselves would have been overshadowed.

*Star* There is a very subtle rhythm in the fall of the lines that made this easy to read and absorb, aesthetically pleasing in its construction even as its subject matter is of a decidedly more somber nature. A very nice balance has been achieved here.

*Star* I liked that it was not just another gushing, lamenting love poem - this had a substance and an edge to it that made it unique, and held my elusive interest. I can easily become bored with 'romantic' poetry, but I felt not even the slightest inkling of that here. Your word choices and writing style were just right for the poem's voice, and I found myself immediately drawn in, held to the end.

*Star* This was my favorite part:
I thought not to fall
For it could break me to death.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

For it'll only bring hurt.
*Check* I would avoid using contractions unless the tone of a piece was more casual and relaxed than this one's. For me, it detracted from the rhythm of the lines slightly, and I found myself reading them out, 'It will' and the same with the other four instances of this throughout the piece. It is my opinion that the emotional impact will be higher if you write out the words, drawn out the syllables of each line as you draw the reader in to the author's pain.

But, why do it hurts
*Check* This is not grammatically correct, but is very easy to fix. Simply changing it to 'But, why does it hurt' would maintain the same message, but be proper.

So, I chose to bear pain
With this heart containing your name.
*Check* I love these ending two lines together, it's a perfect finisher to the piece, but I felt that the second to last line would benefit from an added syllable or two so that it flows better with the final line. It could be something simple and unobtrusive like 'the' added on in front of 'pain', which would also make the 'pain' being referring seem more pointed and specific. This is only an aesthetic suggestion, of course.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Overall, I truly enjoyed reading this poem, and felt the weight of sadness experiencing by the author. Transference of emotion like that to your reader signifies, in my opinion, absolute success of a piece of writing. Well done!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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25
25
Review of Fairytale  
In affiliation with The Rockin' Reviewers  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The following review is strictly my opinion and it is my hope that this will be helpful to you. Please take what you need from it and disregard what you don't. If you have any questions about my comments here, please do not hesitate to ask. My door is always open!

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Initially looking at this was a shock, and I almost did not continue on to read this piece because of its physical appearance. I'm glad that I went ahead and read it anyway, however, as I was pleasantly surprised.

First I will share with you what I liked about the piece:

*Star* One of the first things I noticed about this was the stunning imagery. You used them effortlessly, with great timing and balance, and they contributed a great deal to the tone of the work. I could envision everything as it was happening, and so vividly. Here were my two favorite examples of this:
Skeletal arms of lightning smashed into the rain-soaked ground, sending clods of earth flying through the air and leaving smoking craters in the grass.
A finger of lighting slashed the solid blanket of cloud in half, revealing a blood red sun for a matter of seconds before the whirling masses caved in on themselves.

*Star* This was exceptionally well written, with a good mix of complex and simple sentence without too many problems in execution. It made for a very easy read, and an easy absorption of the story.

*Star* I found very few mistakes or errors, and want to commend you on exceptional writing skills, as well as evidently exceptional editing skills. This piece was a well-executed story.

*Star* Great original concept, and I was immediately drawn in by the characters especially, which seemed very realistic and intense. I liked the dynamic between the witch Saramia and her familiar Sark.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Now, a few observations that I wanted to share with you:

They passed through windows, the panes of glass breaking into myriad tiny pieces and hanging, suspended in the air for two skipped beats of a heart, before driving themselves into nearby wood, flesh or cloth.
*Check* I felt that you only needed one of these modifiers here, not two. Having both of them diminishes the imagery you have so artfully woven into the line. My suggestion would be to choose one or the other, whichever you feel strongest about.

Blood splashed across the toddler’s face and it began to wail, plucking at it's mother’s hair where she sprawled, slowly slicing into her arms with a knife she kept in the house to defend herself, trying to create a channel for the emotional agony to escape, as she watched her perfect life being torn apart before her eyes.
*Check* This sentence is far too long, and the action is lost within it. What would otherwise be an extremely impacting scene becomes a confused mass of words that the eyes skim over. I would suggest rewriting this and breaking it up into multiple sentence. I have a tendency towards complex sentences myself, and have to remind myself constantly when i'm writing that more often shorter sentences have more intensity for a reader.

“I tried to warn you,” the witch said, dropping a snake-like sky blue dragon, about the length of an arm, onto the floor beside her. He snorted a little flame onto her toes in irritation, rearing into a “S” shape on his hind legs to show his distaste for the wet ground.
“Oh, get on and finish the spell,” the Queen snapped,
*Check* At this point in the story I am suddenly confused - was there a missing transition here? Suddenly the story is not focusing on what is happening to the townspeople anymore, but on these two specific characters and it kind of comes out of nowhere. I would definitely suggest writing in a transition that explains the change in focus to avoid this confusion. From this part on to the end I was wondering how I ended up there, and it detracted from what was an exceptionally relayed story.

“I didn’t pay you for counselling.”
*Check* 'counseling' is spelled with only one 'l'

She placed the skull in the centre.
*Check* Because this is the first mention of the skull, and there is no further reference to it, 'the' seems too specific. It caught me off-guard. I would suggest replacing 'the' with 'a'.

She always loves being the individual one;
*Check* Everything else in this piece was in past tense, and the other parts of this sentence were also in past tense. So this too should be in past tense, 'loved'.

“Whatever happens you can’t let her take the necklace off, or the counter-spell will be reversed,” the witch was fabricating now, Saramia knew that in the wrong hands, the spirit-tomb could mean the end of Keranglia and everyone in it but she was not going to tell the Queen that either.
*Check* This is another instance of a sentence that is too long. There is a natural break after 'fabricating now', and the next sentence could stand on its own, eliminating the problem simply.

*Check* I noticed that you have a consistent tendency to leave out commas when using 'and' or 'but' as a conjunction in a sentence. This might be something you'll want to pay special attention to when editing your work.

*Check* The lack of formatting and the bright blue color of the text made this extremely difficult to read. I actually had to copy and paste it into my writing program just to read it, and found myself formatting it so that it wasn't so disorienting to look at. This is very off-putting for potential readers, and I believe you would garner more reviews and more attention for this great piece if you changed the color to something easier to see, and formatting it.

*Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet* *Bullet*


Overall, I really enjoyed this piece and feel that it has a lot of potential for expansion into a much longer story. I would love more detail on what exactly is going on, and who the characters are. Good job!

Keep putting pen-to-paper,
*Bird* The Dark Huntress *Bird*
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