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 |  This is my blog & my hope, writing daily will help me see my progress and log supporters. |
| WARNING...graphic content..physically, emotionally and spiritually. Since I was fourteen years old, I have been addicted to one drug or another. But in the last two decades, methamphetamine became my poison of choice. I quit smoking pot long ago and never really enjoyed or had a problem with alcohol or nicotine. It has only been in the last eight months that I was forced to introduce a new drug to my life...Benzodiazapam. The reason I began to use Valium was it was the only way I could escape the demons who arrived in a very real sense. I always knew meth was my demon, but I never thought that in a literal way. Then, around eight months ago, I began to experience hallucinations that seemed to me at the time (and now even more so), more than imagination. In darkness, these entities appeared...and if you can imagine I were standing in front of you right now in a darkened room, that was how real these people were to me. The only difference was I couldn't touch these beings, and when I tried, my hand would simply pass right through them like they weren't there (which someone from a medical background would shrug and say, "Well, Neil, that's because they aren't there and you are suffering from the symptoms of psychosis...Neil, it's all in your head"). For a while, I went with this because this 'reality' was a much safer and more comfortable thing to deal with rather than the alternative...that these beings were, and still are real. The doctors I presented to at emergency departments would look at me with little to no sympathy (after all, it was my choice to consume the drugs that were causing me so much anxiety and fear) and if I was lucky, would give me a few pills so I could finally get some sleep. Miraculously, after just a few hours of sleep, these entities would be nowhere to be seen...but this was to change over the following months. I decided to document these experiences "Angel"  so I had a journal. Just as researchers would collect data from the experiments they conducted, so in time they could, with some degree of confidence, come to a conclusion, that their peers could then try and replicate to either prove or disprove their results. Of course, my experiences are all too easily disregarded by the majority because I am, in every sense of the word, the principle of the experiment...the one who is affected by the drug, the sleep deprivation and likely brain damage I must have incurred during these days and nights abusing this drug methamphetamine. The disappointing thing for me was the way my 'diagnosis' was achieved...without so much as a physical examination. I mean, just because I have consumed meth, doesn't necessarily mean I don't have a brain tumour or some other underlying cause of these hallucinations. I was simply treated like a problem that wasn't worth their time and effort to look further into...let alone the obvious question to me...is what I am experiencing caused by psychosis alone? Or am I an easy target...a target that no one is going to believe? Even if, as I have done in my journal, told the entire truth of what I have experienced over the last eight months. If you take the time to read, Angel, you will see there are a lot of moments of doubt. Where I am, being completely honest, trying to convince myself that what I am experiencing is a mental illness...and I hope that if you do read it, you can see me trying to be as objective as I can be. Even now, I must still consider that these entities are the outcomes of years of drug abuse. But, and I ask this question in a rhetorical sense...do you believe in God or a higher power than us human beings? I think most people, or at least some, would have little doubt that there must be more to this life we live...this planet...a rocky watery world in the middle of a galaxy...a galaxy that is one of trillions. Lately, there has been more evidence of multiple dimensions. Professor Stephen Hawkins, one of the most brilliant theoretical physicists and minds the world has ever known, was absolutely sure of this...and more computations have been made since his tragic death that suggest that this as yet unproven, and yet compelling theory, is more likely than not. Or what about this theory...God was an alien from another dimension higher than the three or four dimensions we are aware of. And herein lies my question/quandary. If there IS a God (call Him what you will), there might also be demons (call them what you will). Good and evil exist in a very real sense here on Earth. So, why wouldn't the same apply to other dimensions (if there are higher dimensions)? I'm trying to be objective here. I'm not trying to explain why I believe I may be haunted/infected/troubled by beings who are in my head. In my experience, meth causes a degradation of morality in terms of a person's sexual tendencies and actions. So what I am saying here is that basically, I invited these beings into my life, without believing that this would happen...that it was simply a part of the sexual gratification that these thoughts I was having were just fantasies. I was a fool. Hindsight is a lot clearer now than when I was under the influence of a drug that has been, and still is, associated with the devil. Even now, many weeks after I last used meth, when I close my eyes and ask questions of them...questions that can only be answered by a yes or no answer because they have never spoken a single word to me, and only answer by a nod or shake of the head, or their eyes going up and down or side to side, still make perfect sense if they are, as they claim to be, demons. I don't need to verbalise the questions to get an answer, I simply have to think about it, and they answer...answers that ALWAYS fit into the theory that there is more to this than meets the eye...that lead me to believe that I am not simply suffering from a mental illness. At first, the entities were fun. When I used meth, I suddenly had all these new friends who were highly promiscuous with each other (although not with me because they were like ghosts and I couldn't touch them, even though this was all I wanted to do) But it didn't take long until these experiences became disturbing and scary. Once I had enough and wanted to sleep, this was when they would cause me issues and refuse to allow me to rest, let alone sleep. In the first few months, once I took Diazepam and got sleep, they disappeared, but a few weeks into a period of non-use, I was curious to see what would happen if I called her name. You can imagine my surprise and shock when one night I did exactly that and she appeared...just as clearly as if I was high. And so it remains today, only now I don't need to call to her, she is with me night and day and the Diazepam that once took her away from my field of vision when I closed my eyes or at night in the darkness, now she is always there...and she has been joined by another 'demon'. He is much more cruel than she is. The only solace is if I don't take meth, there is nothing they can do to harm me other than annoy me with visions that are easily evaded by looking away and/or taking Valium, which soon sends me to sleep. Of course, this raises a new problem...addiction to Valium is something I need to be cautious of, especially considering in Australia, I had to battle to get a prescription and in the end, had to present to an emergency ward in absolute dire straights of psychosis to get just a few pills, whereas here in Thailand, I can walk into any one of the thousands of pharmacies and be sold the medication over the counter without the need for a script. In the story, Angel, I never revealed how she and I would be intimate. It was embarrassing to me to admit, but today I realised that if I am to be completely honest about this experience, then this is something I need to face and tell anyone who bothers to read the story the truth. She would appear to me on the surface of a material...a doona or pillow. Her eyes, nose and mouth were there to be kissed and I did. Her species, or the spirit of the being she is, have sexual organs in their mouth, with very long tongues which they use to stimulate each other whilst kissing. With me, it was similar and I found ways of enhancing this experience by using my hands on the underside of the material to manipulate their sexual organs (which were, in time, very obvious to me). There was a smell of arousal that was there from the beginning. It was not dissimilar to the scent of human arousal, and each entity (and there were many) had its own particular scent. There were males and females. At first, I didn't realise this because they could switch in and out of the sexual interactions without me even realising...and in the end, I didn't care. I preferred the females because I am heterosexual (and they smelled so much nicer), and never really wanted to have sex with the males. However, as time went by, I could instantly distinguish the scent of a male from a female when they switched out. The male scent was much stronger and different. But, as I said, it would just happen, and whilst I was under the influence of meth (along with the idea that this whole experience might simply be a hallucination, and therefore, without consequence), the thought that I was having sexual relations with a male became just a normal part of the experience. The experiences themselves were very one-sided. It seemed to always be me providing the pleasure, but rarely receiving any. Then things took a turn when one night, I laid on my back and asked Angel to pleasure me. At first, there was little to no sensation, but then something strange happened. I couldn't feel any sensation, but I suddenly became highly aroused and my hardon grew as if someone was pleasuring me...this went on for some time before I actually had an orgasm. I admit that some of this was done by my own hand, but there were moments when I would stop, and I just knew something was going on that was both strange and erotic at the same time. Then one night I was in the shower and I closed my eyes. I began to masturbate and I saw Angel's eyes going down towards my genitals. I watched as she took me in her mouth and I swear, I had the most intense orgasm I have ever had in my life. Both of these experiences were whilst I was under the influence, but today, whilst I showered, I saw her again and she went down on me. I couldn't come because it didn't feel right...she's a demon and has nothing but bad intent for me...by her own admission. I stopped and began to dry myself. Then, as the towel covered my face, I saw her face (normally I only see her eyes, especially during the day, when there is too much light for her to appear in detail, but I saw her as clear as day). Music was playing and as I looked into her eyes, I asked her to dance. Her eyes nodded and we danced for quite some time. Then, she kissed me...not in a sexual way, but tenderly and with much feeling. I had to stop because I understand what she is doing. If she is real and is a demon, she must realise that she is losing me...that she needs to make herself more appealing and lure me back into her web. I will be completely honest here...she is very hard to resist. The truth is I would be better off going to Bangla Road or getting a freelance Thai girlfriend, than messing with this girl whose price will not be in Baht, but my soul. She is evil, that is a fact...and yet, I find her so hard to resist. And so the story, which I thought was over, is not over at all...not by a long shot. |
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