My True Soul

Alright, This first entry is probably just going to explain myself. I have another account on here. Maybe you know me, maybe you don't. That's the grand thing about the Internet. It gives you a shield. Until you decide to put down that shield and allow someone behind it. I'm really tired of not being able to completely speak my mind in fear that one of my non-truth knowing friends would read whatever it was and freak out. Which is very possible, I've saw it happen before. Of course, knowing my luck they'll figure out who I am anyway and read all this. Hehe. Eh, seriously, I have pretty good luck. I live in the southeastern United States!! Yay, haha! It sucks here sometimes, trust me. I'm 17 years old. I've known something was different about me since I was 13. I just didn't really put my thumb on it until I was 15. Maybe a little before then, but I went through a denial stage. Ya know how that is, well, if you've ever thought about your sexual orientation. So, I guess, this kinda covers the basics. Another reason why I'm creating this journal is because I'm so sick of not being able to talk about things that annoy me because they may relate to my friends and I don't want to hurt their feelings. I guess I am a pretty caring person. But sometimes, I need to release. This, I think, will be a great way. And I would definitely appreciate if you folks would comment if you see something you think I don't.

My friend and I are talking about Life, Love, Time, Feelings, and Sex. It's kinda weird in someways how the little things people say can affect you and make you think. Right now, I'm very much in love with Sarah. She is the dream that came true. I start thinking about us quite often. I really really want to be with her for the rest of my life. I can't think of anything better than coming home, hugging her, kissing her, spending my night curled up beside her watching tv or watching her read a book, then going to bed beside her. That alone would fulfill my life. There are other things I want, but none of those things make me feel a fourth as loved. Right now, we're about 2,000 miles apart and still another year to go before I even see Sarah in person. I go to a lot of weddings because of my job. I see these happy couples getting married and I always wonder if Sarah and I will be at that step one day. I see being with her forever, I think she does too, but this is something that only time will tell about. I don't like not knowing things... I hate waiting... but my friend said to not hate time. That, in about a split second, changed my thoughts. Because I knew I meant "I hate time" more than I should have. I should enjoy the time I have right now. I'm in love with the most wonderful girl who makes me feel completely loved for every aspect of who I am, which is honestly a first. I have several great friends, even if they don't know the truth about me... some of them. But several of them seem to honestly care about me. Which, after one of my friends hurting me so much, I have trouble believing or trusting other people. Well, more than just that friend, a few other people. And after seeing my family stab each other in the back... Trust is something that... well, I have problems with sometimes. I have really good grades. While they're not as good as several of my friends, they are still good. I have Parents who, while we may disagree, and they may really dislike some things about me and may not really know me, are good parents. They've done a good job raising me and helping me develop ways of thinking. I have a fairly good personality. People seem to like me. I like myself better now, not to sound arrogant. I'm not in love with myself by far. My looks have changed some as I recently discovered by looking at pictures of me from 5th-8th grade. While I was looking for some pictures to send Sarah. Btw, Sarah, hun, lol, you can see those pictures one day... but right now, I think I would die if you saw them. The "time" right now, is pretty damn good. Small little things come up, but I'm still finding myself. I will be for a while. And I'm trying to change things that aren't too great. But it's easier to change when you know you're loved even with those imperfections. So, I don't hate time. I don't hate waiting really. I sometimes get so caught up in not knowing what's going to happen during the most important time of my life however that I forget what I do have in this time of my life. I have a wonderful loving, caring, and beautiful girlfriend, several great friends who are there for me, parents that have helped me become a good person, the ability to change the things about myself i wish to, and the ability to learn. The things about sex were interesting. I realize there are somethings I need to tell my girlfriend. I'd prefer to talk to her on the phone about it. (If you are reading this, it's not bad, so don't worry) Lots of things that have came up tonight in a way. Just thankful for things that I do have. You know what though? I once again, was tearing up majorly at this last wedding. The bride was so adorable. She was saying her vows, she was so tearing up and choking back tears along with blinking them back. I could imagine being in her position, looking into Sarah's eyes, telling her the same words... guys, guess what? I'm going to be crying my eyes out. And one more thing that I thought about today... I now appreciate the short distance of something being only an hour away. =)

My friend Jake and I are going out later today to have lunch. He insists on paying for mine, told him I could get it. Guess that's a true gentleman for you. Most of my guy friends are pretty nice. It kinda cracked me up cause for me, it's weird for me to have a friend pay. But, fighting with him about who's gonna pay was funny. Getting me in practice for future dates with Sarah. I offered to take my friend Shorty out Thursday. Going out with Lily sometime. Shorty's really a good person to know, she listens when you need someone to, even if it's boring stuff. Lily cares about me more than I realized. I knew she cared. And my friend Ali showed how much she cared the other night. Made me feel really good to know... along with Jake. He stayed up just talking to me even though he was really tired. Sometimes, I just like talking to others cause I get so lonely feeling sometimes. I try to be a good friend back to those people, I hope I am. I could be a little better though. I have other friends, but, those 4 seem to be the ones that honestly care. Ali's the only one who doesn't know the truth about me. I hate to hide it from her, but I know she probably couldn't handle it. Anyways, I'm tired now. It's only 3:37 a.m. Haha, hopefully I can go to bed and have nice dreams while hugging my bear. Agh,I just fell asleep, it's definitely time to go. Goodnight all!