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I'm always confused or worrying about something, and here I let it all out. |
| Mortality is something that we don't often talk about...how fragile our lives really are. I've just been reading someone else's blog, and they mentioned this...so I thought I'd give my thoughts on it. It's my dream in life to affect people. I want to bring about positive change. If it turns out that this is through the counselling/therapy that I'm moving towards, or through whatever musical things come my way, I would be honoured. I want to change people's lives...I want to be remembered as someone who really cared about people and really wanted to make people's lives better. I've always tried to be there for people, always tried my best to be a good friend and listen to them...and yes, nearly every single one of them has taken advantage of that and spat in my face. I want to be remembered as someone who made you smile...I'm fully aware that some people find me boring at times...this is usually because I'm nervous around friends that I think are "cooler" than me, and therefore I talk drivel...which is stupid and hopefully I'll grow out of...but I want to make people's day a bit brighter. I want people to be able to talk to me about what's bothering them and feel better afterwards. I was talking to Martin today about his ex...I never really knew how they broke up, and I just wanted to know...I have to say that the degree he was still hurt by it shocked me at first...but if I'm brutally honest, I still get upset by what Robbie did to me sometimes. They're just memories I suppose, it doesn't mean I still have feelings for him; I don't. Martin really has been treated badly, he's had such a tough life so far...and I'm amazed that he's still such an incredible person. By now, I would have given up on people if I'd been hurt so many times. I'm truly lucky that he's mine...and thankful that I can make him happy, he deserves it... Today was amazing. Just one of those times together where we're lying on my bed on our sides, looking at eachother. When I look into his eyes, I see...well, I'm not quite sure what I see...but it's comforting. Everything just slows down, time doesn't mean anything anymore, and I forget about everything. I forget about everything that's ever hurt me, I forget about the bed beneath me, I forget about my family...and all there is, is hope and love and light. His face lights up a room. He just makes everything alright...it doesn't matter what's happened during the day, what's happened to me during my life...everything's ok when he's around. When we're lying together like that, I feel closer to him than I've felt to anyone. It's such an invigorating and yet calming feeling, absolute contentment and joy. It's like we're connected, like he can hear my thoughts, and I his. We don't need words when we're like this... I can't really explain it...but it's amazing. *sigh* |
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