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| I admit I need to be needed. I love when people come to me with their problems. It means they trust me and value my ability to listen and/or give advice. The flipside is I tend to get jealous and feel unwanted when they don’t. I know it’s not true. People can solve their own problems on their own or with others who better understand their plight. That doesn’t mean they no longer value me. There’s more to friendships than helping each other solve problems. Listing them all here would take to long. Besides, you already know them. Part of the reason I shied for so long away from making serious friendships is my attitude toward friendship in general. So desperate for friends during my childhood, I would follow anyone who gave me a smidgeon of attention like an abused puppy searching for any positive attention however small or remote. After a while I feared I turned into my father, an emotional vampire sucking the life out of those I held most dear. Better to be alone and friendless. Now that I’m making friends again, some of them close, those old fears have surfaced along with the twinges of jealousy when they turn to others instead of me. My instant reaction is to back away – the opposite of what my heart would rather do. I let people go, sometimes push them away instead of admitting my feelings. Sure, my friends may come to me, but I don’t return the favor. I’m terrified I’ll end up looking as needy as I honestly am, and end up losing their friendship because I’m “too much.” I don’t know if I’ll ever be brave enough to be all me around my friends, including my life difficulties, quirks, weaknesses, and insanities. I originally wrote this in my paper journal yesterday, expecting for God alone to know the words – at least until I’m dead. Then I decided if I am to be as open to my friends as they are to me – to be brave for once – I had to add it here for you to read. Not doing so I may lose my friends anyway, because in order for friendships to work, it requires 100% effort on my part as well as theirs. I have to show I trust them as much as they trust me. ========================================== Aside: The upside of writing about anything is it can sometimes spur other ideas. For instance, the title of this entry made me think of another drabble: "Beware a Vampire's Friend"  . I don't claim it's excellence since I wrote it late last night, but I kinda like it.Oh, we got something new! I just clicked on [Edit] to edit this entry and I see two new buttons below the edit box: Preview Entry and Spell Check. I noticed they're also available if you click on the [ Full Add Entry Form ]. I imagine I'm gonna use those a lot! |
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