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My thoughts, successes, and struggles; FYI, she doesn't know - I hope she notices :) |
| I have always wanted to be a writer but have always been too busy. Just like you, I have a demanding job along with a wife and three children and I take my family very seriously. When I add up all my obligations, I can honestly say that I can and should spend time writing as who needs sleep anyway. I even garnered a commitment from my beloved wife to spend time writing but I had to dangle a carrot of spending time with her first. She already knows how busy I am and feels she does not get enough quality time with me now, so for me to ask for writing time (in her mind, more time away from me - and she would be correct) would normally strike fear in her. But I let her know that I was writing something for her. That, for now, she could not read what I have written - possibly not until her birthday, in October. She agreed. A minor miracle and a glimpse into our relationship showing that on a minor level, she trusts me. So, I want to write. But, first and foremost in my life, I want to be a great husband and a great father. Then comes the idea. I could do both. God has been prodding me to love my wife as his son, Jesus Christ loved the church. This is a high standard indeed, as, if you remember, Jesus died for us (the church). Hopefully, I will finish this ninety day quest and not have to die for my wife. But what a way to go out; writing a journal about loving my wife and then dying for her - (as Alfalfa would say) very romantical. Most people, Christians and non-Christians alike, would say I should already be loving my wife this way, and I agree. The problem is that I love myself too much. Oh, I am slippery. I will do things for my wife such as wash the dishes, write her a poem, or even do the laundry (actually very therapeutic). But I do these things because I want something in return, such as ... positive affirmation. I am a sucker for words of affirmation and yes, I will admit that I also do these things for some physical touch. (The ladies already know why their man washes the dishes and the guys are in denial saying they do not have to wash the dishes to get....whatever). What I am talking about is a deeper level. Of course I love my wife and would help around the house. But why I am doing these things. Every single day, I realized I make decisions that are in my best interests. If they happen to help my wife also, great. I am going to try and actually put my wife interests before mine every day for ninety days. This is a very scary proposition and someone should start a poll to see if I actually continue to post. We are very selfish creatures. I am a Christian and other Christians should be scared that I am going to put my honest thoughts down on "paper" because my first inclination may not be so "Christian." People of other faiths or who do not believe at all, may look down at me for my initial thoughts of self preservation; thinking, and he calls himself a Christian. I understand that I cannot do this in my own ability. I am going to be praying for God's help and guidance in this. My selfish thoughts do not scare God and He is probably humored that I am finally listening, knowing I do not realize what I have gotten myself into. My friends would say that I am a little radical in the way I live my life, faithwise. I like that. This is just my next step on the journey. I have to say that I believe that God, my wife, (if she knew) and my kids (if they knew) are in support of me loving her to the best of my ability - even if it makes me look like a selfish buffoon along the way. I desire to love my wife to the highest level and it starts in the morning (she is currently asleep - goodnight). |
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