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| Sometimes I really wish life had a how to manual. I am completely lost and don't know how to get to the right track. Standing tall and having a bright smile on my face it seems as if I got it all figured out. Many tell me that they want to follow in my foot steps. Little do they know how scramble and untraceable that it would be. And any time people tell me how proud they are of me, it increases my anxiety. I don't want to let anyone down and say it to their faces that I am taking random steps and don't know where the next is going to be, let alone guide another soul. But I put on a smile and play along and try not to ruin this perfect picture they drew of me until I am left alone. Alone to think about it all. And all of it hurts. Not being able to talk about your insecurities, your fears, your needs and wants hurts. Pretending as if everything is alright hurts. How ever loud I am screaming inside it's not loud enough for others to hear. I should always put on the usual happy face and proceed because there are other things considered more important by society. There are things that you would be expected to do and accomplish while following a path considered right and without passing set boundaries. You would be forced to think as if you should be perfect and flawless. Other wise you would be considered weak and a disappointment. Just because I have all these responsibilities I should put first, prioritizing my mental health, my needs, my wants and taking time to figure my self out and think about my future seems like a luxury. And I have to pretend as if I am liking the journey even if it hurts, because I am scared of being considered weak. I am really afraid of letting down all those people who believed in me. I am afraid of getting lost in my mind and disappoint everyone. Sometimes I try telling my self that I am going to have plenty of time to do what's important for me once I am done with all these responsibilities I have at hand, but all these responsibilities seem to be never ending. Now I get to know that I was wrong all the time. I get to know everything I worried about and every thing that I worked hard for and gave it all mine even if i don't feel like doing wasn't worth it. I now know that I should have taken all those times for my self and try to figure out my problems, my needs, my talent, my passion, what is worth sacrificing one's self for and what is not, what could make me a better person and what could destroy me, what makes me happy and how I can make others happy without hurting my self. I just didn't. But it's not too late. I think there is still a little bit of light in me. And I know it will rise and get to a point to help me find my self and be happy. Now I am willing to take what ever time it takes to figure my self out, to get better and reach out for help when ever necessary. I now know that I should be willing to speak out about my fears, my problems and my insecurities without worrying about being judged. I get to know opening up can let you breath and can make you feel a lot easier. I also get to now that you could and should make people happy when you are happy and never at the expense of your own happiness. So I will be practicing all this and I believe I will find myself while doing so. You should too. |
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