Complex Numbers

Souperman

Entry #5 of 8 for "Journalistic Intentions"  [18+]

Don't cry because it's over, smile because the onion soup will taste great. -Max Kwoa

I suppose I could launch into a monologue that blasts the social expectation that men aren't supposed to cry. The pressure to conform to that stricture is still there, because we have yet to fully move beyond the whole patriarchal gender roles thing.

But you know, I'm not in the mood for social criticism right now. So instead I'll talk about how I finally learned to make French onion soup.

Cooking is another thing that men were traditionally not supposed to do. Well. Cooking at home, anyway, because that's not a paid job. It's always been quite alright for men to be restaurant cooks. This has to do with the perceived difference in value between "women's work" and "men's work," and...

Dammit. There I go again.

Anyway, fortunately, that particular taboo has been greatly eroded. Which is a good thing because if I were not allowed to cook, I'd be broke or dead from either eating out all the time or not eating at all. This is why single men don't live as long, on average.

Yeah, most of what I make is of the quick and easy variety. This is because I don't see much point in slaving over a hot stove for hours to make an elaborate meal for just me. Sometimes I'll make something and share it with my housemate, but mostly we do our own cooking.

But late last year, I got it in my head to make French onion soup because it was winter and I wanted some. Besides, everyone needed a pandemic hobby, right? It's a dish that takes a good bit of time, but there aren't that many ingredients and you can make a large batch to have leftovers.

It might surprise you that the principal ingredient in French onion soup is onions. Not French. And it takes beaucoup d'oignons. Er, I mean, a lot of onions. Oodles and oodles of them. And you gotta halve each one, and then slice each half into thin half-rings. While it's not as hazardous to the tear glands as completely chopping the annoying buggers, it still has the potential to aerosolize onion juice, which can lead to eye irritation.

There are a few ways around this hazard.

The first is to use white or red onions, not yellow onions. This, however, results in a less flavorful soup. Or, well, I think it does; I haven't tried it with anything but yellow, but in other recipes the other varieties just aren't as tangy.

The second is to have someone else cut the onions for you. This is out of the question for me, but it's always good to delegate. Just don't make your kids do it, or guaranteed you'll end up with bloody onions and them in the ER.

The third is to cut them under running water. This is a pain in the ass, and has the potential to make things more slippery -- see above about blood.

The fourth is cheating: wear goggles. That way the onion spray can't get to your eyeballs. Just remember not to touch your eyelids after you're done and have removed the goggles. Also remember to clean the goggles afterward.

Honestly? I don't do any of these things. Sometimes my eyes get a little irritated, yeah, but then I just wet a paper towel and wipe my eyelids with it.

Anyway, chopping all those damn onions is the most labor-intensive part of making French onion soup. The rest is mostly just caramelizing the onions, simmering them in broth and a few other secret ingredients, and, after topping each bowl with bread and cheese, making sure you don't broil the cheese so long it becomes charcoal. (I've always managed to get it right because I'm awesome).

I'm not going to provide the whole recipe. I found it online and so can you, and you might even find one that suits your taste better than the one I found. But I will note a few tips:

Experiment with the bread. I have had excellent results with challah, but that may be too chewy for some people. Traditionally, one uses baguette slices.

The optimum cheese combination is (in my own opinion of course) Gruyere mixed with a little bit of grated Parmesan. Sure, Parmesan isn't French, but who cares? Other than the French. Don't tell them, but all of their cuisine came from somewhere else too, just like almost everyone's.

Get a set of those purpose-made ceramic French onion soup bowls. It just doesn't work as well in a standard bowl. They're not all that expensive and you might even find some used.

In any case, the bread and cheese are not optional.

Wow. Normally after doing an entry like this I get hungry, but I don't have the three hours or so that it takes to do the recipe. Besides, I'm out of onions. So sad it makes me want to cry. But I won't, because I'm a guy.