Complex Numbers

Unbound

I don't have a horse in the race on this one, but I'm sharing it anyway in the interest of reducing nonfictional drama in the world.

Family estrangement: Why adults are cutting off their parents  
Polarised politics and a growing awareness of how difficult relationships can impact our mental health are fuelling family estrangement, say psychologists.

You'll pardon the British spelling, as the article is from the BBC.

It was a heated Skype conversation about race relations that led Scott to cut off all contact with his parents in 2019. His mother was angry he’d supported a civil rights activist on social media, he says; she said “a lot of really awful racist things”, while his seven-year-old son was in earshot.

Right away I can see someone arguing, "Isn't that just like cutting off your kid if you find out he's gay?" No. No, it is not. Gay isn't a choice. Being a racist is most definitely a choice. Besides, you have an obligation to your kids to at least raise them to adulthood. One could then argue that we also have obligations to our parents. I disagree, but I can see both sides of that argument. In my opinion, you have no obligation to be around anyone whose values are trash, family or otherwise.

Despite a lack of hard data, there is a growing perception among therapists, psychologists and sociologists that this kind of intentional parent-child ‘break-up’ is on the rise in western countries.

Good.

The survey showed more than one in four Americans reported being estranged from another relative. Similar research for British estrangement charity Stand Alone suggests the phenomenon affects one in five families in the UK, while academic researchers and therapists in Australia and Canada also say they’re witnessing a “silent epidemic” of family break-ups.

"Epidemic" is a loaded word, especially now. It implies that there's something wrong with the practice. While individual circumstances vary, sometimes you have to withdraw for your own mental health.

On social media, there’s been a boom in online support groups for adult children who’ve chosen to be estranged, including one Scott is involved in, which has thousands of members.

You have the freedom to choose your own family. I know this goes against the grain of long-standing tradition and maybe even some evolutionary drive, but I stand by this assertion.

One of the most common reasons for this is past or present abuse by the parent, whether emotional, verbal, physical or sexual.

And that's absolutely a valid reason.

Both experts believe at least part of the context for this is increased political and cultural polarisation in recent years. In the US, an Ipsos poll reported a rise in family rifts after the 2016 election, while research by academics at Stanford University in 2012 suggested a larger proportion of parents could be unhappy if their children married someone who supported a rival political party, which was far less true a decade earlier.

This is my shocked face.

“Not needing a family member for support or because you plan to inherit the family farm means that who we choose to spend time with is based more on our identities and aspirations for growth than survival or necessity,” he explains. “Today, nothing ties an adult child to a parent beyond that adult child’s desire to have that relationship.”

One of the questions often asked of the childfree is: "But who will take care of you when you're old?" Listen, bringing another life into the world, this world, the way it is now, is ethically questionable at best. If you're only (or mostly) doing it so someone will change your Depends when you're 90, well, I can't think of anything more self-centered.

And then they have the chutzpah to call us "selfish."

Of course, all of this also has an impact on the parents who have, often unwillingly, been cut out of their children’s – and potentially grandchildren’s – lives. “Most parents are made miserable by it,” says Coleman. As well as losing their own footing in the traditional family unit, they typically “describe profound feelings of loss, shame and regret”.

If you're racist, if you're abusive, if you support racist and abusive policies... you should feel bad.

But he’s unlikely to reconcile with his own parents, unless they recognise they’ve been racist. “The whole ‘blood is thicker than water’ - I mean, that's great if you have a cool family, but if you're saddled with toxic people, it's just not doable.”

There has been some argument about what "blood is thicker than water" really means (though not usually the kind of argument that results in cutting people out of your life). Usually, it's taken to mean that genetic family is more important than any other kind of relationship. If that's the interpretation, the saying never sat right with me, perhaps because I was an adopted child. My relationship with my parents -- the people who raised me -- was mostly fine, though with the same kinds of friction you see in any family. I don't give a shit about trying to find biological relatives, and all the movies and TV shows where people have this terrible urge to do that always piss me off. It always leads to more drama, which is great in a story, and a massive pain in the ass in real life.

Like I said, family is who you choose. You'll still have arguments, but as almost any parents of an adopted child will tell you, we make our own bonds.