The Whatever Files

Hogwarts

"meritbadgeousheartfeltus"

Mumbled Ron, waving his badly taped hand-me-down wand in a thinly veiled expression of poverty.

"You're saying it wrong." Snarked Hermoine, "it's MER-it-BADG-us-HARRT-felt-US"

"Are you sure it isn't 'mind-your-own-business-us' said Harry sotto voce to Ron.

Ron grinned."Yeah, that's more like it."

"Look," said Hermione, "if you are going to give a Merit Badge as part of Professor Schnujo is Late to Lannister 's Whatever Contest giveaway, then you might as well do it properly."

Harry and Ron exchanged glances.

"Hey Ron, this glance is cracked." Complained Harry.

"What I don't understand," began Ron, pointedly ignoring Harry's complaint.

"It's quite a lot." Quipped Harry.

"Is how sending a Heartfelt message with a Merit Badge helps defeat He-Who-Must -Not-Be-Named?"

"You mean Number 6?" Interjected Hermione.

"He's not a number, he's a free man, and you're avoiding the question." continued Ron, refusing to be derailed.

"It's obvious." Hermione.

"If it were obvious, I wouldn't have to ask." Ron countered, not unreasonably.

Harry glanced at Hermione.

"Uggh! Don't do that, it's cracked." Hermione wrinkled her nose in disgust.

"Bless you." Said Ron.

"What?"

"Sorry, I thought you sneezed."

Hermione glared at Ron.

"That's a nice glare Hermione" said Malfoy.

"Thank you Malfoy." Simpered Hermione, who had a bit of a crush on him.

Malfoy grinned, crawled from under the crush and sauntered off.

"So tell us how The Whatever Contest helps defeat Voldemort?" Said Harry, sensing that the advertisement was in danger of getting distracted again.


Hermione took a deep breath.

"If you give a Heartfelt Merit Badge to someone as part of the Whatever Contest, then Professor Schnujo is Late to Lannister will give you 15K, so you get 5K more gift points than you spent. Not only that, but Groundskeeper Adherennium Dr of Phoolishness will give you two merit badges, and possibly even say 'I should not have done that.'

The person getting the Merit Badge you send will feel happy about it, and you will feel happy about your free merit badges, and free Gift Points. Voldemort won't get any, and will feel sad."

"Sounds reasonable." Said Ron and Harry.