The Whatever Files

Jane Eyre

"Adhere-San, there are only two days left of The Whatever Contest. Do you need help with today's offering?"

"Actually Write-Write, I thought I'd do, you know."

"Uh! We discussed this Adhere-San, and I do not think it a good idea."

"I know, I know, but I have an idea about that too:"

PLEASE READ THIS IMPORTANT NOTE:

Due to her strong personal convictions, my Muse Write-Write' wishes it to be known that she has had NO PART in inspiring what follows, and indeed has advised AGAINST me writing it, and cannot endorse it.

"I think I go shopping Adhere-San, I cannot watch."

[Door closes]

[Pulls on one sparkly white glove]

'Cause this is JANE EYRE, Jane Eyre,
And it so much worse this second time,
because I'm gonna change the plot around girl.
JANE EYRE, (Ooh) Oh yeah,
You're fighting for the door
'Cause you don't want to hear more.'

...

[some short time later]

Write-Write has threatened to leave me if I ever do anything like that again!

Oh well, Eyre today, gone tomorrow.

No, that was just a joke, honestly....

Ow!

You only have a few more hours to suffer this. The Whatever Contest ends tomorrow (Thursday).
There is still time to send a heartfelt message, there are still (some) GP's left so that Schnujo is Late to Lannister can give you 15K Gift Points for a badge that costs 10K. I still have merit badges to give away. Two badges just for entering!

...

[Some further time later]

"Have you told them about your 'guest' writer yet Adhere-San?"

"Err! No, actually, I thought I'd surprise them."

"Is much better idea to explain about him BEFORE Contest officially starts Adhere-San."

"Alrighty, You're the boss."

[Write-Write smiles in a 'you'd better believe it' manner'.]

"During July, I shall be running and publicising The Sound & Vision Contest. To help me out with this I am drafting in the help of a very well known music journalist, Mr Mongomery Cherryblossom, of Budleigh Salterton.

Many of you will know that unlike the Pet Shop Boys, who went West from being Journalists to Musicians, Monty, as he prefers to be known had a one hit wonder in the 60's and was forced into music journalism as punishment.

The song, as I'm sure you're all aware could be considered the great grandmother of all schmaltzy novelty songs. Indeed The Pink Wafers in Grandma's Biscuit Tin is so sugary, that Weight Watchers campaigned to have it banned. Positively dripping with syrupy sentimentality it was a huge hit around the world, except Finland, where a heavy metal cover of the same song WAS a hit.

Monty issued the record under his childhood nickname 'Polish'. Wearing ultra shiny shoes 'Monty Polish's Tea Time Assortment' crumbled due to musical differences, and soon went their separate ways.

Monty has since written for Melody Maker, New Musical Express, and Rolling Stone. None of his articles for them have ever actually been published.

During July Monty will be helping me to spread the word about The Sound & Vision Contest, and possibly run a little side entertainment, 'Guess the Song'. More on that at a later date!"