Complex Numbers

Mincing Around

Looks like someone gave Cracked a makeover. The most obvious change is that their logo no longer resembles that of the second-rate Mad ripoff they started out as. Not changed: countdown lists.

    5 Words We Only Use Because the Old Ones Were Too Dirty  
People only started talking about light meat and dark meat because they were too embarrassed to talk about breasts and legs

Yeah, and now "light meat" and "dark meat" have sexual connotations, because humans can be assholes. (When I was a kid, they called it "white meat," which I suppose comes with its own dark connotations.)

A friend is getting married, and you open up their gift registry. You see a “Dutch oven” listed there, and you suppress a giggle.

No, I don't, because 1) All my friends are past the "gift registry" stage and 2) I don't find the dirty version amusing in the slightest.

Later, at the ceremony, you deliver the toast, and you mention your Dutch oven observation. This angers and confuses people, who have no idea what you’re talking about. You are expelled from the venue.

As some people here can attest, my wedding toasts are simultaneously funnier and more cringeworthy than that.

5 Light Meat and Dark Meat

Light meat and dark meat are two different kinds of flesh on a bird. Confusingly, these names have nothing at all to do with white meat and red meat — all poultry is white meat, but some is light while some is dark.

And yet, we manage to infer the intended meaning from context.

Dark meat is fattier than light meat and arguably tastier.

Not to me. You could say I'm a breast guy.

But today, “light meat” and “dark meat” also sound sexual, so let’s just say whatever’s easiest.

Like I said.

4 Rooster

If we’re talking chicken double entendres, we of course need to talk about cocks. The cock is the male chicken, otherwise known as a rooster.

Honestly, this one's so obvious, I feel like the author got lazy.

3 Missus

The title in front of your name may reveal your gender, marital status, profession or level of nobility. The most common one for men is Mr., while women have Mrs., Miss and Ms. “Mr.” is short for mister. “Miss” isn’t short for anything. “Ms.” is pronounced miz but doesn’t represent any word other than “Ms.” itself. As for “Mrs.,” that’s pronounced missus of course.

And don't get me started on how some women take serious offense at being called "ma'am." In the US, this seems to be a North vs. South thing, though it's unlikely to start another Civil War. No, we have other things that will cause that.

2 Canola Oil

A lot of our vegetable oil comes from a plant named Brassica napus. The common name for this plant is rapeseed, with the “rape” part deriving from Latin word for turnip.

I'm almost sure I've written about this before, but I'm not about to put "rape" into the search box to verify.

1 Rabbit

Rabbits used to be called “coneys.” You’ll know that if you’re a fan of Lord of the Rings, in which Sam assures us that cooking a rabbit in a stew is the “one way to eat a brace of coneys.” He pronounces the word “cone-y,” the same way we pronounce Coney Island today, but originally, this word was pronounced “cunny.”

In the 16th century, “coney” became a pet name for women. Meanwhile, people already had the Latin word cunnus for “vulva,” which also gave rise to such words as cunnilingus and...

...couldn't they find a way to do this without typing the next word?

(Look, there's no reason why I can't say "cunt" once in an entry, but the opportunity to make the "couldn't" pun was overwhelming to me.)

Anyway, this is similar to why we don't call cats "pussy" anymore, except to set up or follow through with jokes. For example, long ago, Zsa Zsa Gabors was on The Tonight Show, way back in its heyday when Johnny Carson hosted. She came in with a cat, which perched on her lap.

Gabor: "Would you like to pet my pussy?"

Carson: "I'd love to, but you'll have to remove that damn cat."

...well, actually, that never happened.  

But it's still funny.