Varying Shades of Gray - My Life

11-05-02

Well I did get to talk to BOH last night after I had written my entry. :D:D:D He is such an Angel and doesn't even realize it. Of coures, he'd tell you that he wasn't. :p But that's okay I know the truth. :D
I'm not going to the election party for the Governor's race. Though, I did go vote. I just don't feel like riding up to the state capital tonight. I have not felt well all day. :( My stomach is upset and has been bothering me. Oh well.
I just got home from the session with JMC and his psychiatrist. JMC was not doing well, today. He is having so many feelings of guilt. About everything. He thinks that if he was a better son, then his dad wouldn't have done that to him. He feels guilty for not telling his mom or anyone, any sooner. He feels guilty for keeping such a big secret from me and BOH. He feels like he lied to us, by not telling us what had happened.
He feels horrible and guilty for "not" being a virgin, like he had told everyone. He feels guilty for lying to everyone. The shrink tried to explain that it's not his fault that this happened. I told him also, that it's not his fault and he shouldn't feel gulity about it. JMC was so intent on sharing that "once in a lifetime experience" (his words) with someone special. I think one of the worst things he said today was, "I'm not worthy of having someone special. I'm not worthy of BOH, or you or anyone else. I am s**t"
When he said those words, the pain came back and flooded through me. The RAGE flooded back into me. Not so much for the act itself, this time. But for the feelings of guilt and worthlessness that JMC was feeling, because of it.

Sorry, that is all I am able to write, right now. I'm going to lay down for awhile and hope that I can get to feeling better, physically, at least. I hope you have a great evening.