A peek at the REAL Thumbster

The Good...the Bad...and the Ugly.

It's New Year's Eve...


and I'm feeling hollow. I very seldom get depressed...but I do feel hollow sometimes...just a shell going through the motions. It will pass. I'm too stubborn and optimistic to stay in this mood for too long.

I've got lots of unanswered emails I want to get to...I just want to get this out of the way first.

Since I've been writing...(late Febuary 2002)...and especially since keeping this journal...I find I'm doing quite a bit of navel gazing. Too much of anything is a bad thing...maybe I'm at that point now. Only with hindsight will I know for sure.

I believe things happen for a reason. Make that...I KNOW things happen for a reason. To me that's one of the laws of nature...cause and effect. Simple.

Even if nothings happens...there is a reason behind it.

When I hike in the woods all the "signs" are so plan for me to see. There is a reason for each and every thing being where it is...when it is. I can instantly spot something out of place in nature. It's those times that are the most memorable.

Much harder to figure out is..."The Random Chance Factor". There aren't any field guides or manuals to steer me in the right direction when it comes to The Random Chance Factor. That's those crossroads we must all constantly choose daily...or the chance meeting with strangers that forever after change our lives.

Everything happens for a reason...Fine...I believe that. The tricky part is...after considering the available reasons...hopefully making the proper choices afterwards.

I was very late in going to the gym last night. I got there about one hour before the place was due to close. Normally I'm already having a shower and getting ready to leave at that time.

There was a woman there last night that I couldn't take my eyes off of. Maybe she wasn't so special...(I admit I'm confused and not myself just lately)...but she seemed...visually...to be one of those magical creatures that I found stunning. That's only happened four times in my life. It's like I saw a unicorn or something. A very special event.

Each time that I've seen one of these lovely creatures it's taken me by surprise. Even my wife wasn't one. They are very rare indeed.

She was with a group...2 men and 3 women...so I'm not sure how they paired up.

Only once did I manage the courage to speak to one of these women. Not last night. I was in so much of a hurry that I had only partially shaved...only below my jawline. When I was working out 2+ hours a day I'd go unshaven like that fairly often...but I haven't gone out in public like that in sometime. There's a very fine line between being sexy and being scruffy...I wasn't feeling very confident...plus I'm coming down with a cold.

I don't expect to see her again...but it is going to make going to the gym a whole new experience. :)

Talking of wearing facial stubble...I know why I occasionally do that...(thanks to my navel gazing recently). As a boy...I chose Clint Eastwood as my role model. Kinda like how a bird imprints when it's young. It sees something and then thinks..."That's what I'm supposed to be!" I now realize that's what I've done with Clint.

Not Clint Eastwood the man...but his western Man With No Name character that he portrayed in his early westerns. I never wanted to be anything like his Dirty Harry character or other roles he's played.

When I now think about it...that was a terrible choice for a boy to make for his role model. Just off the top of my head..."The Crocodile Hunter"...Steve Irwin...better suits my personality...(except for going nose to nose with crocs and snakes.) I like his smile and joy for life. I didn't get that from Clint's gunslinger. What I did get was his clenched jawed approach to life...keep it all inside...me against the rest of the world attitude. That was a comfort though when I was the new kid in school and didn't know another soul. Clint taught me to be tough...but that also meant being distant, uncaring a lot of the time and riding off into the sunset quite often.

I wish I had of had The Crocodile Hunter as a role model back then.

Slowly...I'm peeling off my Clint mask and greeting the world with an Aussie grin.