trapped in a soap opera

ok its been a few days i know

Where to even start, so much has happened, but i've been in a shitty mood, so i havent felt like writing. Not been a good few days--i got a lot on my mind. Not only do i have a bunch of tests and shit this week, but my dad comes out with shit, so does mom, so does perk. Add to that that my mouth fuckin hurts--so my head has been hurtin for days, making me very cranky.

Ok I've been depressed as hell and in pain for about the last week or two, i have 2 canker sores in my mouth, and one is right at the back of my throat, so it hurts like hell--messin with the nerves that go to my eye and ear too so all that shit hurts. all because i swallowed a fuckin chip wrong. Got so much shit to do this week, cause of the 3 snow days, and i am not doin shit.

lets see--mom and i were talking the other day--she wants me to get back on my medicine--im tryin so hard to make it without it. she said she'd pay for it and i told her that without therapy it doesnt do that much good. well it does but as soon as you quit taking it the shit returns. so in essence it doesnt. she said shed pay for therapy too but not as often as i need it. anyway so been contemplating what to do about that.

Dad comes out the other day with a question "what was a defining point in your life?" i was kinda like i dont know so he told me this story about one of his--he had a little dog and his sister fucked with it and it barely bit her and his dad beat the shit out of it--after that he decided to never love something that much again so he wouldnt get hurt. then he asks again. i say i dont know that everything seems more like a series of events that i cant put my finger on the beginning of them. cant tell where i made any decisions really. anyway he goes on to say that he knows that a lot of the negative ones had to do with him. and he wanted to know about them so he could do whatever he could to make it right. where was this shit 23 years ago. yeah i forgive him for most of it i guess. but what good does that do im still going to be a fucked up individual because of it. that doesnt change. seems like it wouldnt do all that much good. i dont know details, but i guess i just want him to say hes sorry for all that shit--he never has. he told me he loved me and i about cried. it was one of those things like my relationship with ARthur. inside i guess i knew he loved me, and he did say it occasionally, but there is the saying that actions speak louder than words. They did. Ok i guess thats enough about that. ive just been thinkin about that alot since we are home alone together all week while mom is in st louis.

last of all Perk--he has decided that he is going to go into the Army after graduation. he just feels like he doesnt have any direction right now, and wants to do something for himself whatever that means. I am being an asshole about it he just doesn't know for several reasons--cause i want him to go. i am pretending to be supportive, which i am, but for selfish reasons. if he goes in the army then he'll have to lose that fuckin weight then he could be my perfect guy HA HA im so fuckin shallow. but it is not really that pretty of a sight to see him naked. it would be nice to actually be able to enjoy looking at him during sex. Also i like him but i need a lot of time and i think if he stayed around that we would end up doing something stupid too soon. I need to finish school first and shit before i get any other priorities, and if hes gone then well finish up about the same time. God im such and asshole. just reading what a shallow bitch i am makes me sick. fuck it im going to go smoke maybe i'll say more later.