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Suicidal Tumbleweeds

I've been in an odd mood lately. I know some things will be changing for me shortly. I think I've been hiding my head in the sand because of it...BTW...In the interest of stamping out falsehoods whenever I chance upon them...it's my understanding that ostriches don't hide their heads in the sand when danger threatens...but I find that a wonderful thought for someone to have come up with.

Anyways...

I live in a quiet little part of paradise with around 25,000 or so peaceful and generally well behaved souls within 15 miles as neighbors. Today I've heard of yet another suicide...the fourth...and all by hanging. This last person wasn't close to me although I used to play basketball with a relative of his on a regular basis. Once again we don't know the full story. I can't help but feel for those left behind. It's made many of us here sit up and take notice of one another.
Someone in my real life noticed I had become somewhat withdrawn and wanted to know if I was alright. I've reassured her. I think people that really want to kill themselves don't write or talk about it...they do it.

I think walking into deep water would be a good test if I felt like killing myself...seeing as I can swim. Overcoming the basic instinct to breath would be very hard. I'd have to be awfully unhappy not to fight to stay on the surface. I can't imagine feeling so low as to just give up and slip below. How about trying to commit suicide by holding your breath until you die? I can't see that as being possible.

I can however imagine feeling pain or feeling numb. I'm not afraid of death...not for myself. I think the real heros in this world are the ones who really want to live and yet risk it all for what they believe in. I want to get back to those days when I couldn't wait to jump out of bed and get busy. I know life isn't all fun and games...it's not meant to be. I want to start feeling again...really feeling...not just going through the motions.

I went all day yesterday without eating...I found it much easier this second time. I find it made me consider what exactly I do put in my mouth...I mean in an none erotic kinda way. I found I do eat a lot of "habit food"...certain times or places that I eat not because I'm hungry but because I'm in the habit of eating then. I really only thought about eating last evening...but I didn't rush to pig out this morning...maybe because I was all out of Smarties...(I buy them in 3 pound bags...I LOVE Smarties)

We were watching the hockey playoffs...I would much rather play a sport than watch it...and Mitchell said it must be hard for the camera guys to follow the puck all the time. I said it all depends on how happy he is. If he's pissed off for some reason he may just pan around the crowd...zooming in on whoever catches his fancy...or if he totally doesn't care he may spend a lot of his time with pointless shots of the ice, the boards or of the players on the bench spitting all over the place...talk about gross. I haven't a clue why hockey and baseball players think that's okay. I have never seen basketball players do that. Thank God spitting in public is not cool...unlike the 19th century when spittoons ...a receptacle for spit (usually in a public place)...how gross... were common place. What were they thinking? I pity the poor guy who's job it was to clean the things out. Yuck.

I've noticed that one of our local TV stations here must have at least one pissed off person working there. We'll see the start of something...16 minutes into it...only to go to something completely different without any warning whatsoever...to see the last 8 mintues or so of another program. I know they are really peeved off when they start frigging around messing up the commericals like what's been happening just lately. I'm glad I don't watch a lot of TV but this is the only channel I'll be able to see The Amazing Race on. I hope they get their act together soon as I am really looking forward to that show.

Today is the first day I've noticed mosquitoes around here. Two have been buzzing around me since I logged on. SCAT!!!!...Go on...SHOOOOO!!!! (that was supposed to be highlighted in bold letters but for some reason I can't make it work...heads will roll for this) Maybe the little devils have a death wish. Maybe they're suicidal Kamikaze mosquitoes. Little vampires. It's only the females that suck blood...the males suck nectar from flowers. That seems kinda wierd. Nature is chaulk bang full of wierd things...like male seahorses that give birth...(actually they let the females store the little ones in a special "pouch" until they're ready to be born)...or shellfish that start out life as males and switch to females later on...or vampire bats are the only mammal parasites...they use their tongues as straws to suck up blood after first making a small cut...the oldest and biggest living things on earht are trees...some bristlecone pines were already more than 2,500 years old when Jesus was born 2,003 years ago. I best shut up as I'm sure I'm boring most of you now.

I see where Terry has reconsidered and is staying here for awhile. I best email her now.

Gotta scoot.




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