Monkeys

A couple days worth.....

July 21, 2003, 10:35pm

I don’t know what to say. So much has happened in the last few days. In the last week, I have decided to move back to Missouri, or maybe Kansas, and then changed my mind, then back again and so forth. I have decided to move to Tonawanda, NY and then decided against it, and so forth. I have been in constant contact with Missouri and Kansas and with a few friends there who have tried to remain active, as much as they can, in my life here. I have talked to several people in NY, MO and KS. I have talked to people, and then felt I never had those conversations. I have cried at everything. I have laughed at nothing. Once again, I am not me. Not even close.

I talked to Joey who helped me to make some decisions. I have also talked to Ken, jodi, heather, aunt Gail, my sister Heather, and my friend Shannon. I have talked to Josh, Donna, Dave, and Sota. I have talked to God. I haven’t given up on Him. And yet I still don’t know what to do.

But, I want to share with you some of the things that my friends and a few choice family members have told me in the last week or so. Intentionally, I’m not posting names of who said what. That’s confidential.

“Only you know what you need. I can’t make this decision for you. If it was a mistake to move back, then you know it.”

“Maybe you just need to live somewhere in NY besides with your family. It isn’t the state that is making you miserable.”

“No matter what you decide, I will support you 100%, I’m always going to be there.”

“You need to come back down here. I can feel it. But even if you don’t, then I still love you.”

“Don’t go away again. You are too important to me to loose. Of course I want to see you happy. But I won’t like it if you leave. But I’ll still love you.”


Those quotes are a good representation of how my true friends here and there feel. I am lost. I really am. For those of you who have been there since the beginning, you know how hard it was for me to leave NY in the first place. And oh, it was tough. But those of you who were with me in MO my last few days….you know that it was harder for me to leave MO there than it was to leave here. But, if I leave here…as in Silver Creek, and move anywhere else, there is so much that I would be loosing. Even with everything that has been going on around here, my parents have said that they will make sure I get to and from a job. (By the way, I have a job interview tomorrow morning.) They have given me a place to live, no rent due. Only to pitch in a bit here and there, and give gas money for the vehicles if I get a job outside of town. But I don’t know if it is worth it. I thought so, but I am not so sure.

Oh, I just was going through things on my computer, and I found a couple of instant messages I saved while I was in Missouri. Here they are…..

“You are the glue that held my life together, you are the sunshine that kept me warm and happy, now that you are gone, it feels as though I am falling apart in a dark sad world. I miss you.” (NY’er)

“ we... as in frogger buhda woo and i are gonna Shangai Knights tomight at AMC, if you want to come... if i am not home when you call i had to run and do some stuff before hand... but we are all meeting at AMC at 8, so if you wanna go and i am not home that is what is going on .
i really hope you come ….. love you!!!” (MO)

“And so the countdown begins...30 hours until I see my beckie” (MO)

It is kind of funny, because you can see how fun things were. How loved I felt.




July 20, 2003

Okay, well, I had the job interview, not so sure how that is going to turn out. It is the job I need the most, because of the pay rate. But I don’t know…..

I am back out in Tonowanda with jodi and Ken. I was home for all of 30 hours maybe? And now I am back. I don’t know. I talked to Sarah today, and I talked to Jeremy briefly the other day- he is back…thanks for the prayers……

I need to figure this out. Please….someone….tell me what to do.