Personal Journal

Volume

My people abrasion is ended.
I’m just listening to Sarah McLachlan again, enjoying it.
I went home yesterday, smoked a little, and I cleaned house listening to the Indigo Girls. I’m in the mood for spiritual music. Thinking about all of the things that my soul feels through the course of my given days. I may not like the sound of the thoughts in my brain, but I do find so much comfort in the sounds I hear in my soul.
Was thinking about the Elves story, and how for me, the most intense part of the writing of it was when I was writing about the spiritual side.
I like to think about god, about the soul, about the definition of goodness, and how to manifest it in the world.
It’s a shame that Jean and I got in a big row last night.
It was surreal in a sense. I was probably just chemically altered enough to find riding emotional waves very enjoyable.
I’m not going to talk about it, though.
What does it mean that in my heart, I know that there is more goodness in me than there is her? I don’t believe she would do anything unkind without provocation, but I know she would do unkind things if provoked. I don’t think it affects our relationship, or at least very seldomly. But sometimes when I see some reaction in her that I know is not nice, I can’t help but wonder – why is she that way?
A person should never take joy in the suffering of anything. That being said, I know I’m capable of it myself. In my impassioned anger (which is not to be confused with my being passionate about something), I know that I am capable of turning my soul into a piercing weapon.
Over the years, having exercised my ability to transform in that way, what I’ve found is that hurting someone else hurts me more. I think this is the presence of god in us, “the holy spirit” perhaps is what the Catholics would call it (I was never really clear on the distinction between god and the holy spirit).
I tend to give passing credibility to the Buddhist concept of souls evolving through reincarnation with a goal to transcend. I’ve seen the difference in people’s souls. And I have no more explanation for why my internal moral regulatory functions the way they do than I have for explanations about why I like the color purple. But I know they exist.
I remember with my ex-wife, we were buying clothes for her son at Christmas, and we weren’t charged for an expensive winter coat by the clerk. We were walking out, and both of us looked at one another knowing we’d not been charged enough, and by a significant sum. In that moment of confusion, I found my soul speaking to me that it was not right to walk away without paying, especially for a Christmas present. Indeed, isn’t it curious that my soul spoke of a higher qualifier to the wrongness of the deed – that it was Christmas – as though it might have been unobjectionable to take the merchandise. Renee wanted to keep going, to not look back and not think about it.
In the grand scheme of these things, this isn’t any real revelation of the kind of human beings we are. It’s a statement about the volume of the voice of the conscience.
Mine has been particularly audible about many issues.
It’s a blessing and a curse, I suppose. Mostly a blessing, because we must strive to be good. I have a trusty assistant in that regard (which is not to assert that he’s not persuadable, or muteable)…
Just my thoughts on the matter…

My biggest apprehension concerning death is this:
What if we forever lose our individual identity when we die? What if we become a part of the great cosmic bliss without consciousness of what has transpired here in our life? What if this is all a waste of our time?

No, no, god is efficient. God will give us the time to reflect, learn, and grow.
I wonder if it’ll be like a study, the preliminary moments of the afterlife? Will we be shown films of things that puzzled us during life, given insight into the thoughts and feelings of others at each moment of the encounter? Wouldn’t that be fascinating?

All this serves to remind me that I have to fly in a few days, and sometimes I’m very afraid to fly… I’m wondering if I haven’t gotten through it by now. I guess we’ll see on the 19th…



It is never too late to be what you might have been. -- George Eliot
Courage to start and willingness to keep everlasting at it are the requisites for success. -- Alonzo Newton Benn