My True Soul

Cracked

And tonight just totally blew. Lily, Manda, BJ were all looking at stuff related to sex positions. Sometimes I feel so left out when it comes to stuff like that. I just don’t really give a damn about sex. I don’t want a relationship where that’s the only thing. Maybe I should stay single all my life. I don’t know.

My psychology stuff is still a mystery to me. I got all my other grades posted – all A’s. And then besides my psych stuff it says N/A but they also don’t have the absences…meh. I’m hoping they’re just behind. I’m so nervous about that. I don’t know. I shouldn’t worry about it…will figure it out.

I realized today that I let certain people walk all over me, whenever they want, and then… I never say anything, I never stop them. Normally cause there’s always someone else saying “you shouldn’t”. That it’s not a big deal. Right now, I feel like I’m falling apart. Better yet, I’m like a boat that’s leaking… I’m bailing out water as fast as possible but it’s just barely keepin’ me floating. I’m tired of a lot of things. And all I wanna do is sleep again.

I feel like giving up on a lot of things. I went out with Manda tonight, I didn’t enjoy that. I went out with Lily…whatever. She just uses me sometimes. Kat acted like she didn’t want me to come see her. Fetty called me at 11 here, midnight his time, so he could be the first to tell me happy birthday. Ali I miss, but, I was never too close to her. Sean called me and I decided I really didn’t wanna go with him. N that’s pretty much all of my friends in one way or another, isn’t it? Yah. Right now, I’ve got Fetty, Shorty, Jake. Brian, I hardly talk to.

I feel like ripping my skin open, bashing my head against something really hard, and just… all sorts of other things. I want… something, maybe some Nyquil.

Halee asked me to call her, I really didn’t wanna. And I got fussed at today cause I was “cruel” when speaking of Halee. N maybe it was. I don’t know. I can’t really help it if I don’t find her attractive at all.

Kim wrote back to something I sent her, it’s good to know she’s alright. But, I don’t think anything will be happening there at all. Whatever.

Sarah remembered my birthday, sent like 5 greeting cards n all. That made me feel better she did remember, but… in a way, it makes me feel… sad.

Skylar sent me this card; it was Green Day singing “Good Riddance” which happens to be my senior class’s song. The reason why she sent it is because it says “I hope you had the time of your life” n that was really cute. She’s a really sweet….I mean, really. She’s intelligent, mature, funny, cute, sweet, we like a lotta the same bands. She’s even like me and likes a few of Creed’s songs and not the rest. And we’ve got a lot of other things in common, some of our basic beliefs and views. *sighs* She wants to talk to me later today, I believe. So, of course, this won’t go anywhere, lol. I dig her too much already.

That’s the way it goes. The ones I really wanna give it a shot with, it seems there is always something that happens. Or whatever.

I’m going to go drink some Nyquil or something and sleep.

Happy Birthday! To me. I was 19 about… 4 hours ago… least in 30 minutes it will be 4 hours ago.